Why do we cling onto relationships even though you know you it is irreparable?

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I've been a long time lurker taking comfort in all the posts. I think this is an amazing site with amazing people.

 

Basic facts:

11 year relationship. Love of my love. He taught me how to love deeply.

No kids between him and I but I had 2 kids from prior marriage.

We've been engaged 5 years. I have been reluctant to marry due to being divorced before. He has also been divorced.

 

We had a deep love and connection when we first got together. Personality wise we were very similar and things really clicked. But that is where our similarities end. We are almost complete opposites in many respects. I am always late, he is always early. I am spontaneous, he HAS to plan. I am a saver, he spends and spends (though I did teach him to save a little). I am college educated with carreer and well paying job. He never went to college and holds "jobs". I am practical, he is emotional. Opposites attract. That was us and I always felt that we made each other stronger through our differences. It gave me the reason to push myself to accept him for who he was instead of trying to change him. This was very hard to do but I finally got to that "state of mind".

 

He on the other hand has decided that the differences were too much for him to handle, and told me he wanted to break up. I had seen the signs in the last year/six months. He was not his warm self but very cold and distant. So the break up was not that much of a surprise to my mind.

 

My heart however is just reeling from pain. I guess this has to do with being the dumpee as the breakup is forced upon you. You have not had the chance to detach.

 

I am on Day 5 post break up.

 

The first two days I was mostly numb. I was sad and had swirls of emotions but I was able to control them and not let them overflow. These two days I dwelled on not believing it was over. Hoping that he would change his mind and come back.

 

Day 3 was first day back to work. I was fine in the AM but as soon as I start driving to work, my emotions start to well up. I have to put a lot of effort into pushing them down so I am not bawling at work. Ugh! When I get home things are ok again. This day I am feeling hurt that he does not want me while also at times feeling that I might be happier without him in the end.

 

Day 4 same deal as day 3. Maybe a little worse.

 

Today Day 5 During all these days he is packing his stuff and moving it all out. It was traumatic to see more stuff go every day. I spoke to him on the phone to get more of an idea as to his state of mind. Whether he just needed some time or whether the door was closed. I did not get confirmation of one or the other. After some processing time I sent him a message to let him know we were done. There was no going back. The damage was done.

 

My practical mind knows that I will be happier without him. It was an unhealthy relationship for me. I did everything for "us" and had all the responsibility while he was completely unencumbered leaving him with lots of free time do as he wished and to complain about things. Don't get me wrong he was also a very kind and gentle soul. I loved him for the kind of person he was not what he could do for me.

 

BUT why oh why do I still hurt so much and wish that things did not get to this state? Why do I miss him so much? Why do I suffer when in reality I should be happy that my luck has turned? I just keep thinking about the dreams we shared and feel the loss of what could have been.

 

Do I let my emotions go and have a good cry? Or do I chalk it up and get numb until the feeling fade? What to do about these darn emotions?

[la74219]

I've been a long time lurker taking comfort in all the posts. I think this is an amazing site with amazing people.

 

Basic facts:

11 year relationship. Love of my love. He taught me how to love deeply.

No kids between him and I but I had 2 kids from prior marriage.

We've been engaged 5 years. I have been reluctant to marry due to being divorced before. He has also been divorced.

 

We had a deep love and connection when we first got together. Personality wise we were very similar and things really clicked. But that is where our similarities end. We are almost complete opposites in many respects. I am always late, he is always early. I am spontaneous, he HAS to plan. I am a saver, he spends and spends (though I did teach him to save a little). I am college educated with carreer and well paying job. He never went to college and holds "jobs". I am practical, he is emotional. Opposites attract. That was us and I always felt that we made each other stronger through our differences. It gave me the reason to push myself to accept him for who he was instead of trying to change him. This was very hard to do but I finally got to that "state of mind".

 

He on the other hand has decided that the differences were too much for him to handle, and told me he wanted to break up. I had seen the signs in the last year/six months. He was not his warm self but very cold and distant. So the break up was not that much of a surprise to my mind.

 

My heart however is just reeling from pain. I guess this has to do with being the dumpee as the breakup is forced upon you. You have not had the chance to detach.

 

I am on Day 5 post break up.

 

The first two days I was mostly numb. I was sad and had swirls of emotions but I was able to control them and not let them overflow. These two days I dwelled on not believing it was over. Hoping that he would change his mind and come back.

 

Day 3 was first day back to work. I was fine in the AM but as soon as I start driving to work, my emotions start to well up. I have to put a lot of effort into pushing them down so I am not bawling at work. Ugh! When I get home things are ok again. This day I am feeling hurt that he does not want me while also at times feeling that I might be happier without him in the end.

 

Day 4 same deal as day 3. Maybe a little worse.

 

Today Day 5 During all these days he is packing his stuff and moving it all out. It was traumatic to see more stuff go every day. I spoke to him on the phone to get more of an idea as to his state of mind. Whether he just needed some time or whether the door was closed. I did not get confirmation of one or the other. After some processing time I sent him a message to let him know we were done. There was no going back. The damage was done.

 

My practical mind knows that I will be happier without him. It was an unhealthy relationship for me. I did everything for "us" and had all the responsibility while he was completely unencumbered leaving him with lots of free time do as he wished and to complain about things. Don't get me wrong he was also a very kind and gentle soul. I loved him for the kind of person he was not what he could do for me.

 

BUT why oh why do I still hurt so much and wish that things did not get to this state? Why do I miss him so much? Why do I suffer when in reality I should be happy that my luck has turned? I just keep thinking about the dreams we shared and feel the loss of what could have been.

 

Do I let my emotions go and have a good cry? Or do I chalk it up and get numb until the feeling fade? What to do about these darn emotions?

 

I am sorry you are going through this. I wish I had some advice, but I am going through something similar and just wanted you to know you are not alone. Hang in there..this too shall pass.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Thanks la74219. It is a comfort to know I am not alone.

I am sorry you are also struggling with this. Funny that our Join Dates are around the same time.

 

I just read in one of the posts that where we get caught is in dwelling on how the other person used to be. Not how they are now. I have to push myself to think about how he is now. He has become spoiled and selfish. I am not blameless. I enabled him to the point where he has become imbalanced in his expectations. I should be grateful that I have a capacity to feel pain at the loss of love. It shows me that I was able to love deeply.

[la74219]

I also struggle with the thought of how they used to be. That's been the biggest hurdle so far I believe. I can't seem to grasp that the person she is now...is different than who I fell for. I guess that's just life.

 

And yes I joined in 2013 haha! That was for another breakup. I survived that one so I know I'll survive this one. And you will too!

[marie25]

Your story really resonated with me and I feel so much empathy for what you are currently going through. I have experienced it to in the past.

 

I heard on LS once this great quote: "The future is important because you are going to spend the rest of your life there. The void in your life involves the past, and you spend too much time thinking about it. The more you think about today and tomorrow, the less value living in yesterday will have for you. Deep feelings aren't enough. There were too few positive actions and too many negative actions. Become the responsible agent for acting rightly beginning this moment, and none of that past nonsense and messiness matters."

 

So of course this person was talking about a slightly different situation, but I thought it was beautifully said nonetheless (I keep it on my laptop background as a screenshot hehe).

 

Point is: the old relationship had its beautiful moments, and your ex might be a great person (or at least might have been at one point) in the general sense. But you have tried your absolute best with him, and that's all that we can really do. Have a lot of self-compassion in this time. Understand that we all just make the best decisions we can and none of this is "your" or "his" fault. Don't beat yourself up about anything. I know that it's nearly inevitable, but try not to lose self-esteem and confidence - you are worthy of love again, of being desired, you have unique and beautiful traits that you bring to the table, etc. If it helps (and it always will), exercise! Work on mindfulness also - whether that is journaling for you, yoga, meditation, walks, etc. A lot of people talk about this on LS but once you actually start doing some of it, you see why.

 

Don't lose hope either. Don't fall into the "I will never love this deeply again" trap. You will. Also, learn to become comfortable with yourself again. This is basically new territory for you after 11 years!! Learn that being with yourself is all that you need. Try to be single for a bit and become comfortable with that before dating.

 

Good luck

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Thank you marie25 for taking the time to read my post and offer your advice and perspective. I love that you talk about the future because if I am truthful to myself, the future I want is vastly different than the future he wants. Had we stayed together I would have been the one to give up on my dreams to settle for his. I want to travel and enjoy the world. He has barely left the town he was born in and while likes to get out, he gets really stressed out traveling far and gets really nasty about everything, thus souring the whole mood and point of traveling! So yes I am taking your advise whole heartedly and thinking as much as I can about my future. Trying to envision what is that future that I want that will be fulfilling to me.

 

I have not been able to sleep since this started. I just lay there empty.

This morning I thought about why such the emptiness and I have some thoughts I would like to share.

 

While in a relationship, you invest in the relationship by molding your emotions and needs around your partner. You get in the "habit" (aka addiction) of taking emotional ques from your partner. If they feel sad, you feel sad. If they feel happy you feel happy. If they don't like something, you don't like something, or if you do, somehow you like it less etc.

As the dumpee, in one instant the person is gone and the emotional ques just disappears. This leads one to feel "lost". They don't know what to feel because they have relied on the other person for those ques for so long.

 

The dumper on the other hand, has had time to detach from the relationship by getting those emotional ques from somebody else or many somebody else's. That is why they are so distant and seem so uncaring.

 

That is where I am today. I feel lost and empty but I know these feelings will pass when I learn to make my emotions my own again. But it is so hard to go cold turkey! They are my feelings and I cannot control them. I have to let them sweep through so that I can get over them.

 

I used to excercise and be active. It is hard to get back into it but I know that I always felt so good when I kept up on it. That was the other difference. I always took care of myself and kept fit. I did want someone who was similar to me in that regard, and he was not. There is so much to look forward to. Trying to keep my chin up.

[d0nnivain]

BUT why oh why do I still hurt so much and wish that things did not get to this state? Why do I miss him so much? Why do I suffer when in reality I should be happy that my luck has turned? I just keep thinking about the dreams we shared and feel the loss of what could have been.

 

Do I let my emotions go and have a good cry? Or do I chalk it up and get numb until the feeling fade? What to do about these darn emotions?

 

Of course you let yourself have a good cry. Tears are cathartic. Take the weekend & wallow even, if you want to. You just can't wallow forever but right now in the acute phase, have at it. If you are afraid of how it will effect your kids, pack them off to grandma's or at least a sleepover at their friends' houses.

 

The end of a significant relationship like the 11 year one you had is like a death. It is the death of your relationship. It's perfectly fine to mourn.

 

I ended a relationship about as long as yours, no engagement though, & cried in the shower for about a year. I knew I couldn't go back but it was sad. I also knew it would get better eventually & it did. Time really does heal all wounds.

 

Hang in there. Keep posting here.

[sarahssarah]

Hey you are not alone!

Separated from husband of 5 years and together for 10 years.

He suddenly left me to live life with someone else and has lied to me since the start.

 

I feel your pain and the confusion. It's like you know that life would be fine without them. You see the negatives of the relationship but we still cling to it like they are Gods on earth.

 

I am 2 months into this and it's extremely hard because it has gone back and forth between us a few times now. But it does and has gotten easier

 

At first I was crying and depressed every single day. I literally could not go to work because I was so deep in despair. Now I can smile and feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel if he's not here. It feels hard and ALMOST unbearable at times but it gets a tiny bit better with every day that passes.

Take it hour by hour or min by min. whatever you have to do.

 

Some days I still cry a little bit.. maybe 5 minutes .. but it is way better than laying in bed for 24 hours straight.. starving myself and feeling like I would rather die.

 

You will get through this. Keep moving forward and I truly believe that time does heal wounds eventually.

[Chilli]

l like that quote about thinking about the future because that;s where your gonna be spending most of your time, so true.

lt scares the hell out of me though right now so maybe l might put that one on hold for awhile.

 

people act like you can just flick a switch because the relationship had problems or this or that , but it doesn't work like that.

 

lt was probably better that we were divorced too and it was probably better that l've only just split up with gf now too , but that doesn't make it any easier though.

gf and l gave me new hope after the divorce but it was much much more than just that. lt was about us , her and the one in a million person she was, her personality and ways and habits, sense of humor her looks her body all the thoughts and ways and things we had in common.

Yet we were different too , a bit like you and your ex. and that caused a lot of sh@t. yet we were also a one in a million identical.

but she also had very big personality issues too on the bad side and that also caused some really serious sh@t .

these were big things that made a fut ure look pretty well impossible .

 

but l still think about her pretty well every waking minute .

There is no switch and it's all the feelings and reasons you were together in the first place that we miss so much and the loss , that make it all so hard.

Edited June 15, 2017 by Chilli

[marie25]

I know, it is SO tough, and really there is no getting around this phase of sadness/pain. All you can do it do your best to become a better person from this. With enough time, you will start to cultivate hope again for your life, and especially your love life, and you'll once again have a beautiful array of options and choices set before you that is YOURS completely to choose. 11 years is a long time - I am sure that you have changed a lot as a person and likely your needs and desires you used to have when you first dated your ex have likely changed - now you have an exciting opportunity to find someone who likes traveling, who would like to go on a fitness journey with you, etc.

 

Nonetheless, I understand that thinking about dating others is probably enough to make your stomach sick at this point - and it likely will for a little while and that's ok. Don't rush things. Just try cultivating some of the hope for the future :-)

 

Also, don't beat yourself up if you break NC. I did it too (many times haha), and the shame+guilt doesn't help anyone and it just makes you more vulnerable. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself, and just move forward and regain NC.

 

LS believes that no one can really give you closure, only yourself, and I agree with that for the most part. But hey, if YOU think that sending that last message will give YOU more closure, then send it. Make everything you do all about YOUR wellbeing. Breakups make us obsess over someone else (i.e. our ex) - stalk their social media, constantly think of them, become super emotional with the mere thought of memories involving them, etc. What you should start focusing on if yourself. That's why exercise is pretty helpful - it jumpstarts you into making choices that benefit only you and no one else. But there are many ways to do this, and ultimately the most important is your mind.

 

Sending my love xx

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Of course you let yourself have a good cry. Tears are cathartic. Take the weekend & wallow even, if you want to. You just can't wallow forever but right now in the acute phase, have at it. If you are afraid of how it will effect your kids, pack them off to grandma's or at least a sleepover at their friends' houses.

 

How long does this acute phase last? I have never been the dumpee before. Seems like 2 weeks if the average mark? The thought of 2 more weeks of this is enough to make me want to cry. I am going to give myself a good wallowing this weekend. Come Monday I am going to work to think less and less about the things that make me sad and more about the future. I have plans. I just have to work at taking him out of those plans.

 

I was able to sleep a little last night but woke up feeling like the emotions have moved into my body. My body felt like a ton of bricks! I am keeping busy during the day so it is not too bad. The mornings seem to be the worst.

 

Thank you sarah and chilli for replies. It really makes a huge difference to me to not feel alone in this. I am what you would consider an extreme introvert. I don't have much interest in socializing or having friends except for a very select few who I have known for a long time. I made my partner my world. Kids have been out of the house for a few years so it was just us. But at least I have my dogs .

[d0nnivain]

The acute phase lasts as long as it lasts. I always tried to give myself a deadline for how long I would give in to it. 2 weeks sounds reasonable. You do need to grieve. It's part of the healing process. But healing isn't measured on a calendar.

 

 

Hang in there.

 

 

I played a game with myself last time. I said, OK I'm not gonna cry for 15 minutes. When I mastered that I said OK, no crying for 30 minutes, then an hour, then a half day, then a whole day. I never made it to a week because by then I'd "forget" to cry meaning, real healing had occurred.

[marie25]

I agree with everyone here that healing is independent of time and is different for everyone. Thus, don't worry too much about how long you take. Just wanted to quickly say that you mentioned that thinking of two more weeks is enough to make you want to cry - so I suggest to not think of the future in that regard so much, and take things day by day. Just say "look, I just have to get through this day. What can I do today to make me feel better today? What self care will I do tonight after work, for instance, to help me cope? A TV show, a good run, a spa night?" Think about the now, I remember at the beginning it was much too difficult to start thinking about months and years of NC and so I found is much better to take the day-by-day approach.

 

Less anxiety and more gratitude that you did your goal - added one more day to nc :-)

[Chilli]

Yeah , l certainly wasn't suggesting the future right now l was more thinking of my sitch now.

When my marriage broke up it was 2 yrs before l could think much past dragging myself out of bed to make some money to pay the bills.

l think bills saved my ass actually , how's that for fkd. The curse of modern living actually saved my hide. But if not for them l wouldn't have gotten out for sure. Cept for when my daughter was coming anyways.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I survived another day. Yay!

 

I am definitely going to give myself downtime this weekend but starting Monday I have decided that I am going to start figuring out a routine. I will write down what I need to do each day if I have to just so that I make myself do those things.

 

Yesterday (took day off work) I had to run an early errand and the short contact I had with other people and getting out made a huge difference to my mood.

So, for my routine, I may just incorporate a regular outing first thing on the weekends just to get out.

 

Also yesterday I had a one second twinge of hopefulness about my future without him. It was an emotion that came and passed. It felt really peaceful.

This gave me some encouragement that the process is working, if only for a split second.

 

I just miss him so much. At times I want him back so bad that I am willing to give up all my dreams and follow his. But I know this is crazy thinking. I would never be happy doing that.

In the end I have to realize that he is the one that is broken. I can't fix him or us. He has to want to fix us as much as I do in order for it to work. I can tell his heart is just not in it. He just turned 40 so I am wondering if it is a mid life crisis? I don't know.

 

Hope you are all having a "good" day today.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I feel as though I have reached a turning point.

I was able to sleep last night and this morning, though I had some emotional moments, it did not define me.

 

The gut wrenching turmoil has passed. The emotional dependency has lessened.

 

My mind is now the only one troubled. I wonder if I should give it another try if he does come back. I think constantly about how broken things are. I feel so uncertain about us making it, whereas before I had not question. I am angry that he has introduced this uncertainly. I fear that there is no way back to "us".

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I did a bad thing. I broke LC last evening and called him to talk to him. I was not pleading but did talk about our communication issues. Checking to see if the door was still a little open. He left me (what others here call) breadcrumbs as to be expected. He still needs time. But we are broken up.

After the call I felt like dirt. Last night I could not sleep again. I was not in terrible turmoil like the first few days but it definitely made my head spin.

 

Anyway today has been wild swings up and down from wanting him so badly one minute when fantasizing about how good we "could" be for each other. And then the next minute feeling the dread of the opposite "reality" of us trying again and him still blaming me for his unhappiness while I grovelled for his love. My mind won't stop even as I kept busy today.

 

I think I am slowly getting to the point of understanding that while we had a great love for each other. He has a problem with our relationship. Those problems are all owned by him. I can't fix his problems for him. I wish he was mature enough to talk to me instead of letting it all build up. But again I cannot control his actions. I just need to find myself again so I can properly control my own actions.

 

I am so sad. The thought of being with somebody other than him makes me sick.

[BC1980]

I did a bad thing. I broke LC last evening and called him to talk to him. I was not pleading but did talk about our communication issues. Checking to see if the door was still a little open. He left me (what others here call) breadcrumbs as to be expected. He still needs time. But we are broken up.

After the call I felt like dirt. Last night I could not sleep again. I was not in terrible turmoil like the first few days but it definitely made my head spin.

Anyway today has been wild swings up and down from wanting him so badly one minute when fantasizing about how good we "could" be for each other. And then the next minute feeling the dread of the opposite "reality" of us trying again and him still blaming me for his unhappiness while I grovelled for his love. My mind won't stop even as I kept busy today.

 

I think I am slowly getting to the point of understanding that while we had a great love for each other. He has a problem with our relationship. Those problems are all owned by him. I can't fix his problems for him. I wish he was mature enough to talk to me instead of letting it all build up. But again I cannot control his actions. I just need to find myself again so I can properly control my own actions.

 

I am so sad. The thought of being with somebody other than him makes me sick.

 

Breaking NC usually makes you feel worse on the back end. It really just reminds you that you aren't with that person. It doesn't solve anything or help you move forward. It's normal for the thought of him being with someone else to upset you. At this point, that is completely normal. Talking to him is going to continue the cycle of turmoil.

[GeekLover]

Breaking NC usually makes you feel worse on the back end. It really just reminds you that you aren't with that person. It doesn't solve anything or help you move forward. It's normal for the thought of him being with someone else to upset you. At this point, that is completely normal. Talking to him is going to continue the cycle of turmoil.

 

Yep. Best thing to do is fold and call it a day.

 

It's taken me awhile to see this too. Eventually you'll be on this side of the fence where you dish out this kind of advice instead of looking for answers.

 

See you on the other side, OP!! Hugs!!

[whatnot]

Do I let my emotions go and have a good cry? Or do I chalk it up and get numb until the feeling fade? What to do about these darn emotions?

deleted..... Edited June 25, 2017 by whatnot
fear it wouldn't be helpful

[BC1980]

Yep. Best thing to do is fold and call it a day.

 

It's taken me awhile to see this too. Eventually you'll be on this side of the fence where you dish out this kind of advice instead of looking for answers.

 

See you on the other side, OP!! Hugs!!

 

I like that analogy. The longer you stay in contact, the more time you waste. You're just spinning your wheels and going nowhere.

[fieldoflavender]

I think because we don't like to admit defeat. We like to fix things and the more you invest, like if you stand in line for a long time, even if another line is shorter, you feel like you already invested this time, you should keep waiting, but then the store closed and you waited for nothing.

 

At some point you need to cut your losses and learn life lessons and move on. And your self improvements will be better for someone who actually cares to be with you through them and not just looking for a perfect you.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Thank you all for your advice. I knew I was going to suffer for it but just could not help myself. I think it did help in a way because it made me see just how little he cares for me now. I think I reached rock bottom as far as hope for the relationship. I am still in pain but it is really interesting that at times I felt worse after thinking about getting him back than I did when thinking about being done with the relationship.

 

Today I am in a bad state. Lots of ups and downs.

It is definitely true about breaking NC. It just sends you falling backwards.

I was somewhat OK before breaking it. Seems like it takes a week to recover from each instance of contact.

 

I did have a thought today that was positive. At some point I told myself to think of life as a journey. I've just lost a travel partner. There are many other travelers and I can find another.

 

I guess we are just very habitual creatures. Breaking the habit is hard after 11 years and all that emotional investment.

 

Fieldoflavender, I really like your point about someone who cares to be with me. That is really the key. In order for a relationship to be healthy they should want to be with you. I have to remind myself I deserve and want a healthy relationship. I should not settle for a broken relationship just because it is habit.

 

I just ordered the book the Power of Now. Hopefully that will help snap me out of it.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

It has become hard to sleep again. I was thinking last night about how he really was not invested in the relationship for many years now. I thought we were just busy and would figure it out. This morning as I drove to work I started to get angry that he blames me for everything when in reality he should be looking at himself in the mirror. You get out of it what you put in. I tried my best. If he had problems it was his responsibility to let me know. I can't read his mind.

The anger really helped me feel that I deserve someone who wants to be with me as Lavender pointed out, and who can communicate. I had this momentary feeling that it was going to be ok.

 

But then by the afternoon the sadness was back again. I guess this is a process. I wish it went faster. I still miss him so much but now it really feels like it is over. I guess I am past the shock/denial stage and the reality of the end is hitting me really hard. The person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with is now just a stranger.

 

I really have to focus on the fact that it is over. There is 0 chance of reconciliation. It would be such an unhealthy relationship if I took him back. I'd be constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for the next time he withdrew with no warning. What a hell of a life that would be. If I keep repeating to myself that I can't want him back. Maybe eventually I will believe that I don't want him back.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Yep. Best thing to do is fold and call it a day.

 

It's taken me awhile to see this too. Eventually you'll be on this side of the fence where you dish out this kind of advice instead of looking for answers.

 

See you on the other side, OP!! Hugs!!

 

 

Can't wait until I get to the other side!

Why would we ever want to get into relationships if they are this painful? WHY????????

I don't know what is worse, childbirth or breaking up with someone you gave your heart to.