Why do we cling onto relationships even though you know you it is irreparable?

[la74219]

It has become hard to sleep again. I was thinking last night about how he really was not invested in the relationship for many years now. I thought we were just busy and would figure it out. This morning as I drove to work I started to get angry that he blames me for everything when in reality he should be looking at himself in the mirror. You get out of it what you put in. I tried my best. If he had problems it was his responsibility to let me know. I can't read his mind.

The anger really helped me feel that I deserve someone who wants to be with me as Lavender pointed out, and who can communicate. I had this momentary feeling that it was going to be ok.

 

But then by the afternoon the sadness was back again. I guess this is a process. I wish it went faster. I still miss him so much but now it really feels like it is over. I guess I am past the shock/denial stage and the reality of the end is hitting me really hard. The person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with is now just a stranger.

 

I really have to focus on the fact that it is over. There is 0 chance of reconciliation. It would be such an unhealthy relationship if I took him back. I'd be constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for the next time he withdrew with no warning. What a hell of a life that would be. If I keep repeating to myself that I can't want him back. Maybe eventually I will believe that I don't want him back.

 

Sigh, I'm right there with you. I know I'd feel the same way always looking over my shoulder wondering when it would happen again. The pain is so intense. I'm losing sleep as well, and I have so many other things that need my undivided attention right now. So difficult though. I, too, wish this process would move faster.

[Tone Loc]

That was sad to read. I might understand some of what you're feeling, just maybe.

 

Have you ever considered the possibility that there's something really important missing in your life and you're making the mistake of thinking that it's him? There's perhaps something else for you out there, something big. It certainly doesn't have to be a person or a relationship, it could be anything. It could be so many things but it doesn't have to be a person that you depend on for your happiness. You said it yourself, it wasn't a good relationship. So maybe him leaving you is for the best? He may have done you a favour, because you may not have been able to do the dumping yourself because of the love you have for him. That's natural, I understand how difficult it can be to remove yourself from a bad relationship because of the love that's holding you back.

 

Hang in there.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

That is it exactly. The objective side of me says he was never really that good of a partner. I got the sh*t end of the stick by having the stress of all the responsibility while he could play and do whatever he wanted.

 

But then the emotional side of me says that I love him and want only him, this side is not backed by any rational facts that I can think of.

I am just not able to control my emotions at the moment. I guess that is why there is NC. For each day that I make it through NC, another layer of the onion peels away. I just have to be patient and keep peeling due to the length of the relationship.

 

My biggest fear is that I am going to take him back. I know that it is an unhealthy relationship. I am going to keep posting updates as I know that the LS community will keep me honest.

 

Thank you for a call out that it is not a good relationship. I guess we all idealize our relationships in order to be happy while being in them. So it is more of a habit that makes us keep up on the ideas of how we thought it was, as opposed to how it really is.

 

Today I feel much better. I was not that sad. I had a day void of emotions. Sad, happy, anger, etc. Nothing. I am grateful to at least have some rest on the emotional front.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I can't believe it has been 3 weeks since BU. The first two weeks were definitely the most painful. Still lots of ups and downs and a general feeling of sadness and raw emotions at times, but I think I have passed this shock and denial stage. A future without him does not seem so unbearable.

 

I've come to terms with all the signs that I ignored. But when in a relationship, how the hell are we supposed to fix things with smoke signals? Just tell me in a serious way already!

 

So my conclusion is while we had good times, he really was not mature enough to be a life partner. I read on one of the posts a comment "How you are during bad times defines your character, not during the good times". I think this is what I have to concentrate on when letting go.

 

It has helped tremendously reading and re-reading the encouragement in the pinned NC-the Long Walk, and this post about exes and Breadcrumbs. They really help me a lot in the letting go process.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/337989-no-contact-nc-guide-long-walk-consolidated-discussion

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/620326-everything-you-need-know-about-exes-let-s-discuss

 

I have also had to realize that me holding on to him was really for my own selfish reasons of needing him to validate my self worth. I was not holding onto him because I wanted the best for him. If I really truly love him then I have to understand that he needs to make his own decisions, I can't make him love me. He has to give his love to me freely. Which now he has chosen not to, so it is time to pick up the pieces of me that have crumbled to the floor and move on.

 

Still a long way to go but it does get better.

The key is to focus on letting go and thinking about the the future without him/them in it.

 

But as I write this, there is an emptiness inside me. How do I fill the void?

Does the feeling of being empty/incomplete ever go away?

[BC1980]

But as I write this, there is an emptiness inside me. How do I fill the void?

Does the feeling of being empty/incomplete ever go away?

 

Well, the truth is that life is a series of ups and downs, and there are always going to be times when you feel lonely. Being in a relationship isn't a guarantee that you will never feel lonely, but I do think it helps a lot. I think that having that kind of emotional intimacy with another human being is an important part of life for the vast majority of us. Right now, you are acutely feeling the loss of that intimacy, and it hurts badly at first. You get used to it over time though. I have been single for 4 years, and I still feel lonely at times.

 

You can reconnect with friends and family to help fill the void. It's not the same, but it's better than isolating yourself. One thing I've learned in life is that many of the most intense feelings you can have about another human being are always temporary. Relationships are always temporary, and that's just life.

[fieldoflavender]

I think it's the vicious cycle of - "Could it have been? What if?"

 

And as you self improve, you think - if only I did this instead, then maybe....

 

But then you forget that you're single now and you're improving.

 

I think it's important to be objective and emotional at the same time. Sure, you miss them, but think to the actual problems in the relationship.

 

Could they REALLY be fixed?

 

I know there's definitely things I can fix for the future. But there are things that I can not or will not change - that if I had to change or if he felt I had to change, it wouldn't be worth it. When I ask myself these questions, I realize that - the chances of him making those changes to make it work - is pretty much slim or none - so why bother.

 

I've played this game too times a many but if everytime I am reaching the same conclusion - i.e. we can not change, then sometimes you have to call it incompatibility and move on. Or not worth it - whatever you want to call it.

 

Love can move mountains - but is your love with this other person this? And if you truly feel this way about the other person, the other question is - do they want to be with you? If it's true love - unconditional love - they have to be happy too. And part of loving someone is giving up if it's the best for them or the two of you. It takes two to make a relationship work. And you have to both love and put the work in.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

BC1980,

 

As each day passes I guess the void gets smaller and smaller. I have definitely isolated myself completely while in this relationship. So now I am forced to make new friends. I am an introvert so prefer to limit my contact with people, but I know it is important to find balance and get myself out there.

 

I have always felt that relationships were temporary but this one I felt so close and such an intense connection at first, and the sudden 180 on his part, it just hits you in the guts and knocks you down. I don't think he did it on purpose. It was his way of dealing with stress. I think I have recovered from the shock. Thanks for the reminder that relationships are temporary. Others have said so as well. People change. That is life.

 

Fieldoflavender,

I think the first 2-3 weeks I drove myself mad with the what could have been's. The mirror was shattered and I was trying to put all the pieces back together. All I did was cut my hands and bled everywhere.

I am now realizing that even if we could glue the mirror back together it will never be like it was before it shattered.

 

I can only see the mistakes I made and make sure I don't make them again in the next relationship.

 

With time, comes objectivity and I can see now that he is stuck in the blaming mud. He blames me for everything so that he does not have to take responsibility for his actions. I will not accept that kind of behavior.

So yes you are right. It takes two and he has shown me that he does not want to put in the work.

[fieldoflavender]

Taped mirrors can work - if the two people really want to put work into looking at the good parts despite the cracks. And over time, you can ignore them as you build stronger love.

 

But only on the condition that both sides really want it and the love is there besides everything else. And in most relationships, it's a wake up call that it's ultimately not worth it.

 

Lots of people don't want to take responsibility for their actions. It's easier to focus on the bad actions of other people than looking within yourself and asking why.

 

And yes, the best thing is not to take it to the next relationship.

 

I have apologized for everything I have done, yet I have received no apologies for anything he did that was hurtful to me. But alas it is what it is. That should be a clear sign. In my opinion, I would apologize even if I wasn't together with the person - because if we're wrong, we should be strong enough to apologize. Not to be back with them, but because it's the right thing to do.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I had an interesting thing happen today.

 

I was going about my business keeping busy when I suddenly started to think about all the what ifs again, and then the pain started to come back to what was lost and my desperation to get him back. It was a really awful episode, like a runaway train. I could not control the emotions once they started, a domino effect was taking place. I seriously thought I was going to have a panic attack!

 

But then I told myself to snap the *#@% out of it. And started to think about all the things I should be thankful for. My life after all is in such a good place compared to any other time in my life.

My youngest just graduated college. Yay! done with that. He got great scholarships and I am not burdened with a lot of debt. I have a well paying job at a small company (was in corporate which I hated) where they really appreciate my contribution to their success. I really like going to work.

All of my extended family are healthy and successful etc.

 

I just thought of all, and I mean all... everything.. that I should be thankful for and those thoughts replaced the negative thoughts and helped me put it into perspective again that it is only a relationship. I can get another one if I wanted. It is not irreplaceable, like losing a limb or having cancer etc.

 

So now i have reached that point where I am really starting to accept that it is done. And maybe a tool to maintain this feeling.

I think every day when I wake up I will think about all the good things in my life that are not dependent on the relationship. It will help me to start the day in a more balanced state.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

The last few weeks have felt like an eternity. This last week I have been feeling better. During work I would be fine in the morning but when 1 pm rolled around, I would start to get emotional and anxious again. I'd spend the rest of the afternoon looking at the clock to when I could rush home.

 

I am realizing that no matter what I have to let him go. He has to want to be with me or it would be a terribly unhappy relationship. I think we both love each other a lot, but we are just too different. Compatibility seems to be a real issue.

Or maybe it is more priorities. We were more compatible when he had priorities that lined up with mine. Now he just wants to play all the time and do his own thing.

 

I am also looking for advice on books about emotional attachment and how to let go.

 

I also really need some advice on how to get my life back.

While in the relationship I gave up on all of the things I enjoyed and stopped keeping contact with friends. I now literally have no friends to talk to or do things with.

My children are grown and do come around now and then so I am not totally alone, and i have dogs. My extended family live 8 hrs away.

 

I am also very much an introvert so I have to push myself to get out and do things.

How do I go about making new friends?

How do I start hobbies if I really don't have much motivation in doing things? I don't even know what I like anymore.

[la74219]

Lonelyplanetmoon,

 

I'd like to suggest volunteering. There are a lot of organizations that could use the extra hand. It'll keep you busy, and you'll definitely meet some new people!

 

Hang in there, there's always a brighter light at the end of the tunnel

[whatnot]

The last few weeks have felt like an eternity. This last week I have been feeling better. During work I would be fine in the morning but when 1 pm rolled around, I would start to get emotional and anxious again. I'd spend the rest of the afternoon looking at the clock to when I could rush home.

 

I am realizing that no matter what I have to let him go. He has to want to be with me or it would be a terribly unhappy relationship. I think we both love each other a lot, but we are just too different. Compatibility seems to be a real issue.

Or maybe it is more priorities. We were more compatible when he had priorities that lined up with mine. Now he just wants to play all the time and do his own thing.

 

I am also looking for advice on books about emotional attachment and how to let go.

 

I also really need some advice on how to get my life back.

While in the relationship I gave up on all of the things I enjoyed and stopped keeping contact with friends. I now literally have no friends to talk to or do things with.

My children are grown and do come around now and then so I am not totally alone, and i have dogs. My extended family live 8 hrs away.

 

I am also very much an introvert so I have to push myself to get out and do things.

How do I go about making new friends?

How do I start hobbies if I really don't have much motivation in doing things? I don't even know what I like anymore.

 

Well...I just spent 30 mins writing what would have surely have answered all of your questions... gotten you over all of your pain...and given you the new life you seek. However....it's with much loss to us both (surely more mine than yours), that I completely erased it with one errant stroke of the keyboard.

 

If ever such enlightenment should ever see the light of day again...

 

....in the mean time....

 

The pain you feel...is real...very real. And it's felt...by others....just keep doing what you are doing...

[whatnot]

The last few weeks have felt like an eternity. This last week I have been feeling better. During work I would be fine in the morning but when 1 pm rolled around, I would start to get emotional and anxious again. I'd spend the rest of the afternoon looking at the clock to when I could rush home.

 

I am realizing that no matter what I have to let him go. He has to want to be with me or it would be a terribly unhappy relationship. I think we both love each other a lot, but we are just too different. Compatibility seems to be a real issue.

Or maybe it is more priorities. We were more compatible when he had priorities that lined up with mine. Now he just wants to play all the time and do his own thing.

 

I am also looking for advice on books about emotional attachment and how to let go.

 

I also really need some advice on how to get my life back.

While in the relationship I gave up on all of the things I enjoyed and stopped keeping contact with friends. I now literally have no friends to talk to or do things with.

My children are grown and do come around now and then so I am not totally alone, and i have dogs. My extended family live 8 hrs away.

 

I am also very much an introvert so I have to push myself to get out and do things.

How do I go about making new friends?

How do I start hobbies if I really don't have much motivation in doing things? I don't even know what I like anymore.

 

My father died in 1992. He had gone into the hospital for open heart surgery. The day he was to be discharged....we (his children and my mom) were all there to help to get him home. A few hours before discharge....he had an aneurism. They could not save him and he passed away.

 

After the debrief by the surgeon who had tried to save his life...it was time to leave the place. It was then that the first inclination that life would never be the same again...came when someone (I don't remember who) said...."We need to get his clothes and belongings before we leave". I knew then, this wasn't Kansas any longer.

 

Once outside the hospital....the feeling of it not being a hospital any longer...but rather...just another building....is still with me to this day. A hospital is a place where people are that we know and/or love. That place held no such person for me any longer. It became just a building to me, like any other.

 

During the drive home....it struck me...."How could these people in their cars continue to drive as if nothing were different? How strange it is that life is continuing on...as if nothing has changed. How could life be going on as if it were just any other ordinary day? Doesn't anyone on earth know that my life, as I've known it, will never be the same?"

 

In the what...25 years since his death....life is different, certainly....and will be until the day I die. But...I say all of that ... to say this....

 

When someone dies in your family (maybe you've experienced this, I do not know)....it doesn't become real automatically. It takes time. Intellectually...it's difficult to wrap one's head around. Emotionally...just numb. Denial is was a friend of mine in those days. It allowed me to take as much of it as I was capable of taking .... as I was able to. Even after the funeral....and a year, two years.....five years later....there would come a "wave of reality" that it was really true. this went on for maybe 15 years...it could still be like...."Wow....this is real". then the "reality check" would pass...

 

as time goes on...those "reality checks" became further and further apart...then when one would come...I became familiar with what was happening....as I had experienced them before. Now...It's just a truth of my life .... my father isn't anyone I have seen in over 2 decades. And I miss him....now....sometimes....more than I ever did. But in some ways....I feel closer to him than I did when he was living. sigh...ok....I say *that* to say this to you moon.....

 

Breaking up with a long term love....is the same thing....only different. (I'm not in love with that cliche'....but if the shoe fits...).

 

Breaking up with a long time love is has been *for me* a "more real" experience. It's also a more emotional experience. And that brings me to my point....

 

Those emotions....you feel....are...for lack of a better way of putting it (I'm not good at this so please bear with me)....but those emotions are "backed up". Sure...we feel them...on different levels....at different times...and we get *some* breaks from them from time to time...and we tell ourselves we are "getting better"....(and we are)....but....the wounds I feel from you are very very real. And the wound is deep.

 

I can only share my experience. I have no lines. I have no silver bullet here. But for me... (just over one year out from a break up that I never thought possible)...I still think of the relationship and her daily. However...it has now gotten much more abstract. A life without her isn't something I fear...it's something I do. My ruminations about the "what if's" are alive and strong....with a difference however. Now...it's more like me ruminating over something that is not real anymore. Until....just the other day....when I was at the mountains (by myself...I'm a loner...maybe somewhat like yourself...and my life was my relationship as well)....and in the mountains...while sitting by a rushing brook...I saw us...in my imagination....we were playing on those rocks in the river. And the more I watched us playing together.....the more sad....grief stricken...I became. At that point...all I wanted to do was to run....from those feelings. I could not bear to feel those feelings...."Why be here if I'm just going to feel this badly?" "I'll just go home where my life is my own again....and these feelings will be more manageable .... and I may not even feel them at all once I get there!" So....I begin the ride home....and immediately...it stuck me like a ton of bricks...."Even going to my safe place isn't going to protect me from these feelings". And with that realization....the feelings of grief overtook me. It was as if....at that moment in time...had no where to hide. And the reality came. And I did not know...going into that reality of feelings....if I could come out of the other side or not. I was terrified of them. what would become of *me* if I stepped into these emotions? (which I had no choice but to do). "Would I ever know who I am again? what would happen to me?

 

well...I say **that** to say this....(I'm sorry to have to report! (smile)....

 

There was no epithany...no carthartic moment. It was my feelings catching up to me. My real feelings.

 

An eleven year relationship...with your awareness....is going to take .... a couple of years. one man's opinon.....

[BG1]

I feel your pain OP. You will manage to go thru this. It's wise from your part to think whats the best way for you and try to look inside you instead of trying to change everything outside you.

 

I posted something a while ago that may help you, here is a link to the post:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/623784-getting-over-break-up-manual

 

This is a starting point, think that will take time must mostly personal work and there will be setbacks. I'm in my 4th month of NC and some days still hard.

 

I'm happy to discuss any of the points in the manual with you if you have any questions.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

whatnot,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thread and to type out such a heartfelt response.

I read it and cried. It did give me some relief after I let it out.

Some days are good, I feel normal. Some days are just blah. But I guess we have those types of days regardless.

 

Your building analogy has me thinking about how I view my ex now. He is a complete stranger to me. The person who I knew was gone in an instant. He is now just another "building". One of many many "buildings".

 

And your point about time. I am just going through the motions at this point. Pushing myself to do things I don't want to do but should. I am surprised at how much better I feel after 30 days so at least I know it will get easier. But damn those triggers. I guess the pressure builds up and ya just have to blow every so often to get it out of your system.

 

I can't imagine what it is like to lose a parent. So sorry you had to lose him so young.

As for your BU, you say you never thought it could happen. Same here. But why is that? Did we have blinders on and were foolish to think that the other could be depended on?

Or did we forget that all relationships are temporary?

 

I am trying to figure out this puzzle as now i am not sure how to go about future relationships. Or if I even want another Serious LT relationship.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

BG1,

Thanks for the tips!

You mean I should not rush out and sell all my belongings, house, and move?

LOL.

This was my first reaction....

No big decisions. Got it.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Lonelyplanetmoon,

 

I'd like to suggest volunteering. There are a lot of organizations that could use the extra hand. It'll keep you busy, and you'll definitely meet some new people!

 

Hang in there, there's always a brighter light at the end of the tunnel

 

Thanks! I have always wanted to volunteer. I am definitely going to get out and do this.

[fieldoflavender]

Mine certainly wasn't as long as your relationships have been and I can not even imagine - but the pain often parallels even in those short time periods when we gave our heart away and thought someone could be depended on and especially if they had shown they could be depended during hard and trying times.

 

And that gives you the false impression that maybe anything would be okay. But it's not.

 

Allow yourself to be proud of EVERY single little victory. Because to me, these little victories are important. I went to a social event and it was difficult - but I could not text him or expect him to be there for me. And I keep doing more and more things alone with the lack of expectation that he could ever be there for me again.

 

And even if someone was there for me in the future, it's important to never let go of who you are for yourself. And it will be hard(er) each time a break-up happens, but we get stronger.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Mine certainly wasn't as long as your relationships have been and I can not even imagine - but the pain often parallels even in those short time periods when we gave our heart away and thought someone could be depended on and especially if they had shown they could be depended during hard and trying times.

 

And that gives you the false impression that maybe anything would be okay. But it's not.

 

Allow yourself to be proud of EVERY single little victory. Because to me, these little victories are important. I went to a social event and it was difficult - but I could not text him or expect him to be there for me. And I keep doing more and more things alone with the lack of expectation that he could ever be there for me again.

 

And even if someone was there for me in the future, it's important to never let go of who you are for yourself. And it will be hard(er) each time a break-up happens, but we get stronger.

 

I am feeling better every day. Thanks for the encouragement, little victories.

Part of me feels damaged as now I just don't know how I can trust in someone again. And this puzzle of not losing yourself in a relationship. Maybe if I found someone I was more compatible with, I wouldn't have to give up so much a part of myself (not that I am anywhere near being ready to look again)? So many thoughts...

[fieldoflavender]

We can trust again. I don't think the message to take away from this is that people should not be trusted. We just have to be critical but yet objective and think about things more carefully and not just with emotions.

 

It will take time, but not everyone will treat us as we have treated and we will also learn to treat others better too.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I just counted weeks and it appears that it has been 5 weeks since BU. These have been the slowest days / weeks, I have ever experienced. Time is just dragging on.

Though my feelings of fear, sadness, loss, and anxiety are not as intense as the first few weeks, they are still there. I know they will probably be here for a while until I reach over it stage.

 

I did have day where I sprialed and was so, so low. I think I was really struggling with acceptance that day. And as I processed the feelings, I kind of hit rock bottom. Once I hit bottom, I don't know it was amazing. The feelings of loss disappeared suddenly and I had a few hours of feeling really good and hopeful about my life. Perhaps that is what it feels like when you reach acceptance. I don't know.

 

Since then each day has been back to up and down. Though each day does get better.

 

I am slowly starting to accept that the relationship was not as high in compatability as it should have been and am focusing on that as my learning experience. I am slowly starting to feel that perhaps there is someone out there who is a better match for me.

 

I am at a the point where I have to process the loss of my Ex as a death.

The truth is the person and the love he gave me is gone - disappeared/dead.

The person that he is now is a stranger and not a stranger who I want to know.

 

 

Every day, you just have to have hope that whatever happens, happens for a reason.

 

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

 

My needs are definitely different today at 45 years old than they were when I was in my 30's. I am focusing on myself to figure out what I want out of the short life I have left.

[la74219]

Short life?! 45 is still young!! Get out there and live a long and happy life!

[lonelyplanetmoon]

LOL I don't know I feel pretty old sometimes. My energy level is nowhere near in my 20's and 30's.

But I did also stop excercising for a number of years and so was often tired after work and on the weekends.

I was also trying to deal with some financial stress in my life.

Since this BU, I have started running and being active. It has made a huge difference in my mood and has improved my energy level.

[Chilli]

Admittedly , l still have clinging problems with mine because the good was just so damn good and there was so much of it , right across , not just in one area of us.

Basically we had everything l could ever dream of and then some, we weren't just anyone , she wasn't just anyone.

So even though we also had some issues that just could not be over come , that's still why for me.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Chilli,

That is pretty much where I am at too. Even though we had our "life" issues (aka responsibilities etc), our personal and emotional relationship was very close.

Neither one of us was ever mean to the other and overall we had a lot of love between us.

 

When I started this post, I was in a place of seeing all of our differences. But through internal self discovery, I have found is that I/we stopped doing things for the other out of love. We got too focused on your own needs, hence the differences became an issue.

 

I know now that we both need to keep working on the relationship by giving to the other. He has contacted me and has said he is working on himself and he is working on coming back. I am committed to being proactive in making it work. No idea where things will go.

 

Do you think your ex will come back and want to try again? If she did, would you take her back?