Getting divorced

[Deepremorse5]

How to cope during the divorce process ? I did something horrible and my husband filed for divorce. Even though I don't want to get divorced, things are beyond my control atm. It's hitting me hard. It's just so hard when you are still in love with your spouse. Since I have hurt him and he wants divorce, I have stopped all the begging and crying part. He says he has moved on. My head has accepted everything as it was my fault, it's just my stupid heart which is not ready to let things go. I need some help from forums members to learn about coping during this divorce process and after that.

 

Yes, I have a therapist but still need insight from others.

 

We have already gone through the first hearing and going through a mandatory 6 months reconciliation period. We have sporadic contact as he refuses to engage with me unless necessary.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I don't know of your beliefs but it was my faith in God, prayer and reading the Bible that got me through and has ever since.It really strengthened me and gave me such hope. There is a text in Isaiah 54 that says God will be your husband when your husband leaves you. He truly has done that for me in so many ways. He also put strong Christian friends around me. There is a text that says God puts the lonely in families. Believe it's in Psalms. God can/will get you through with flying colors if you put your trust in Him.

[d0nnivain]

You say "you did something horrible" and that caused the divorce. Perhaps think about what you did, why you did it & why in a relationship you will never do it again.

[preraph]

Meanwhile, don't let your guilt stop you from getting an attorney during the divorce for an equitable settlement.

[d0nnivain]

You cheated. What did you think was going to happen?

 

I'm sorry you are in pain but you need to figure out why you did what you did & going forward in your life to your next relationship how you will prevent yourself from being unfaithful again.

 

Hang in there.

[Deepremorse5]

Meanwhile, don't let your guilt stop you from getting an attorney during the divorce for an equitable settlement.

 

He has concrete proof of my affair. If he would have used it at court, the process takes one day and no settlement offered. Also not to mention social stigma attached to infidelity in my culture. But he filed under mutual consent which takes more than 6 months to be over. For his generosity I asked him I didn't want anything from him but he has been quite generous in his offer for divorce settlement. I got more than I deserve.

[Michelle ma Belle]

There is no magic pill for getting over heartbreak no matter who was at fault. Only time and thoughtful reflection will help ease some of the pain although it may never completely disappear. Having a therapist will certainly help your mental and emotional well being and acceptance of what you've done to your husband, your marriage and to yourself.

 

He's made a decision and has moved on. I can totally understand and respect his decision since that is what I did in my own marriage although the circumstances were very different. Once we come to that point of no return, there is nothing anyone can do to change our minds. Some of us have zero tolerance no matter how much we may still love our partners.

 

Good luck.

[mikeylo]

Time and no contact with him. He is doing the right thing by contacting only when absolutely necessary.

 

It will take a long time though.You have a lot of guilt but it is what it is.

[Deepremorse5]

Time and no contact with him. He is doing the right thing by contacting only when absolutely necessary.

 

It will take a long time though.You have a lot of guilt but it is what it is.

 

I am trying but it's so difficult. Now I fear he has met another woman. He will forget me soon.

[SevenCity]

I am trying but it's so difficult. Now I fear he has met another woman. He will forget me soon.

 

Were you thinking of him when you had your affair? This statement seems selfish like your cheating.

 

You have to realize that you didn't love him - if you did you would not have cheated on him. As upsetting as it is you have to deal with the consequences of your actions and learn from it.

 

If anything you should be happy for him that he is able to move on with his life.

[Cephalopod]

Only time can fix your broken heart.

 

But you can take active steps to fix YOU. Get into counseling and find out why your boundaries were so weak, and why you gave yourself permission to cheat and destroy your marriage. Work on your spiritual life.

 

Be proactive in building yourself up in ways that do not require approval or validation from other people...especially men.

[Cephalopod]

I am trying but it's so difficult. Now I fear he has met another woman. He will forget me soon.

 

He won't forget you. He will look back at your marriage with regret, but he won't forget you or what you did to him.

[Clay]

Sadly some people don't know you already took a serious beating in the other forum on this web site. It is going to take time to let go. The best advice another person has already gave. Go no contact as much as you can. The only way to really let go is to not interact with him at all. I am glad to hear you are in counseling. Its going to take time. Just like has already been stated its best to figure out why you did what you did so you never repeat those horrible choices again.

 

Keep in mind this is not the end for you. This is just another start in a new life for you. This is your chance to rebuild you. Stick close to family and good friends. They can help you through this.

 

C

[preraph]

He has concrete proof of my affair. If he would have used it at court, the process takes one day and no settlement offered. Also not to mention social stigma attached to infidelity in my culture. But he filed under mutual consent which takes more than 6 months to be over. For his generosity I asked him I didn't want anything from him but he has been quite generous in his offer for divorce settlement. I got more than I deserve.

 

I don't know where you live, but most places in the US, cheating has no bearing on settlement? Why? Because men made the laws. This is why I said to talk to an attorney. Cheating is not considered in settlement anyplace I know of. It may be considered about child custody if there was an unsafe environment.

[Deepremorse5]

Sadly some people don't know you already took a serious beating in the other forum on this web site. It is going to take time to let go. The best advice another person has already gave. Go no contact as much as you can. The only way to really let go is to not interact with him at all. I am glad to hear you are in counseling. Its going to take time. Just like has already been stated its best to figure out why you did what you did so you never repeat those horrible choices again.

 

Keep in mind this is not the end for you. This is just another start in a new life for you. This is your chance to rebuild you. Stick close to family and good friends. They can help you through this.

 

C

 

NC is very hard. I am trying but sometimes my feelings overwhelm me and I end up doing something stupid.

[Deepremorse5]

I don't know where you live, but most places in the US, cheating has no bearing on settlement? Why? Because men made the laws. This is why I said to talk to an attorney. Cheating is not considered in settlement anyplace I know of. It may be considered about child custody if there was an unsafe environment.

 

I am not from USA. I am from India. Here under mutual consent divorce, all assets will be shared. My husband makes good money. We have significant income disparity. He took care of all expenses. I also work but I never really contributed for the assets we share. Under mutual consent, he has to pay me alimony/one time settlement. I am not going to take his hard earned money.

[BetrayedH]

I think perhaps another poster was correct when they said to focus on him, rather than yourself.

 

Stop thinking about how you are losing him, etc.. Start thinking about what is best for him. And if he has discovered another woman and is able to peacefully move on with his life, then be happy for him. Meant gently, your actions before were selfish, right? Then perhaps this is part of your growth beyond that selfish way of thinking.

 

Stop thinking, "Woe is me." You had your time when it was all about you. So now, focus on what is best for him. He clearly wants to detach from his wayward wife and move on. So help him do that. And embrace it.

 

And then be proud of the actions you take over the next six months and beyond to rediscover and recreate yourself.

[Deepremorse5]

I think perhaps another poster was correct when they said to focus on him, rather than yourself.

 

Stop thinking about how you are losing him, etc.. Start thinking about what is best for him. And if he has discovered another woman and is able to peacefully move on with his life, then be happy for him. Meant gently, your actions before were selfish, right? Then perhaps this is part of your growth beyond that selfish way of thinking.

 

Stop thinking, "Woe is me." You had your time when it was all about you. So now, focus on what is best for him. He clearly wants to detach from his wayward wife and move on. So help him do that. And embrace it.

 

And then be proud of the actions you take over the next six months and beyond to rediscover and recreate yourself.

 

He asked for divorce, I have agreed to that unconditionally. I have stopped begging him too. Not sure how I can help his recovery beyond that.

[charliegirl816]

Unfortunately, the consequences of an affair can be long lasting. What you're experiencing will pass with time, and staying in therapy will help you as you move forward.