My friends BF is cheating on her, how do I tell her?

[justasmalltowngirl]

Hi.

I recently split up with my boyfriend about 3 months ago but he has still been in contact with me. The reason being is he told me ALOT about his best friend cheating on his girlfriend and he's afraid I am going to tell her!! I was best friends with his girlfriend for many years and we ended up going on separate paths. We rekindled our friendship due to our boyfriends being best friends. We became really close and done a lot of activities together ( just the two of us and even as a 4)!! He's already cheated on her numerous times and she gave him one last chance. Now the question is do I tell her that her boyfriend is cheating on her?? I'm afraid she may think I'm doing it out of spite as my relationship has just ended. The only reason I haven't previously told her was because my then boyfriend said he would not speak to me ever again. Another reason being she may not believe me and still stick with him when I know it's not true. I don't want to fall out with her or upset her but I think that's another thing that may happen too. My ex BF showed me messages and fake accounts that his friend was using to provoke girls and I also have screen shots of this so proving it to her won't be a problem. Another reason being is my ex boyfriend cheated on me and this is the reason why we split up. She done a lot for me through this breakup period and helped to find any more evidence for me off her significant other to see if my ex BF actually was cheating. I feel like I owe it too her but is it too late to tell her now?

[d0nnivain]

Get together with her in person. Be as gentle as you can but basically say something like

 

I didn't tell you before because [fill in the name of your EX] begged me not to. As you know he & I are history. I'd wanna know if it were me. Sorry to tell you this but based on stuff [your EX-

BF

] said & showed me, [her

BF

's name] has been cheating on you for a while. I'

m

sorry I didn't tell you sooner. Do with the info what you will but please don't kill the messenger

 

She might think it's sour grapes because of your recent BU

[Space Ritual]

You just do it.

 

Initially it may not be taken well, but that is not up to you. Your conscience is clear if you tell her and are prepared to provide proof of it.

 

Again, she may not take it well, or take it the wrong way, but down the road she may thank you for being honest with her. If you read around these subforums you will discover that time and again, people could have been spared a boatload of heartache if others who had knowledge of nefarious activities by a Spouse or Significant Other would have shared that info. There are plenty of people here that would have given their right arm to have been armed with such knowledge before they had their life nuked. Myself included.

 

People these days seem to be risk averse dealing with these type of issues, but being risk averse will only come back to haunt you if this girl has to figure it out by herself.

[kgcolonel]

Might consider the: If your BF were cheating, would you want to know?....Let her, both answer the question and come to her own conclusion. If she has questions, answer them as best as you can.

[preraph]

If you have evidence, show it to her. If she helped you before, tell her you are reciprocating. Don't be shocked if she still stays with him, though. Some women will and she's done it before.

[kgcolonel]

If you have evidence, show it to her. If she helped you before, tell her you are reciprocating. Don't be shocked if she still stays with him, though. Some women will and she's done it before.

 

Many times when shown evidence they will misplace the blame and blame the messenger, so be prepared for that as well.

[Space Ritual]

Many times when shown evidence they will misplace the blame and blame the messenger, so be prepared for that as well.

 

 

Of course they do in many instances. Usually the news is not met with a Laurel and Hearty Handshake...lol

 

 

But after OP informs her friend, what she does with the info is out of OP's hands at that point. As I have said before, maybe down the line she will be thanked, maybe she will be ostracized but that is entirely on the recipient of the news. IF they choose to do nothing, and the info proves to be accurate, then at least OP can move forward with a clear conscience.

 

In my case, which was an extreme case, many people knew I was being betrayed, especially those close to me, but said nothing. And I only discovered how much of an open secret it was years after the fact. You can imagine how much that added to my feelings of betrayal. The same people who said how sad they were for me while I sat in stir for 4 years only to get out and find out they knew all along. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

[SammySammy]

If she's giving him "one more chance", then it appears she already knows he cheats. And she's still with him.

 

Going to her with some "he said, she said" stuff will only get you embroiled in their mess. I'd extricate myself from all of these people and move on with my life.

[Davey L]

If you've not actually seen them at it, what you have is hearsay rather than fact. Bear that in mind when you speak to your friend, as indeed you must speak to her.

A friend told me about my wife and I have been forever grateful to him for telling me and for how he told me. He let me know he had seen her with another guy and that they had seemed very friendly, that obviously if I knew about it then it was OK, and none of his business, but that if I didn't know about it then he felt I ought to know. He did that privately and as far as I know never said anything to anybody else, and he never brought the matter up again or tried to tell me what to do.

His approach meant that I could avoid any embarrassment or shame, I assured him that I was aware(I wasn't) but thanks for the tip and that I would keep an eye on them (I did).

I would suggest a similar approach and just quietly let her know that you had heard some rumours about xyz from your ex, that you thought she should know. Apologise for not letting her know sooner.

I would then suggest leaving it at that and not bring it up again unless she wants to discuss it further.

Of course, this is a male point of view and I know that women think differently in ways I have never fully understood - however I really appreciated the way my friend handled it with my situation.

[JS84]

Unless you have concrete evidence I wouldn't say anything. If you do have irrefutable evidence make sure that you have it on hand when you do tell her.

 

I don't think there's any good way to tell her, just sit her down in a private setting and do so.

[justasmalltowngirl]

Might consider the: If your BF were cheating, would you want to know?....Let her, both answer the question and come to her own conclusion. If she has questions, answer them as best as you can.

 

Thanks for this advice but I've already tried to ask her - we'll sort of, she doesn't think he is cheating on her and assumes all his friends are bad and he's innocent, although she's never outright said it herself mutual friends have said she would 100% end the relationship this time round if she found anything else out about her boyfriend.

[justasmalltowngirl]

How did you feel once your friend told you about your wife doing so?

I'm quite worried that she'll think I'm a bad friend for doing so - especially as I've kept it in for a longer time than I should of. Thanks so much for your advice I really appreciate a mans point of view.

[amaysngrace]

Maybe your exBF is setting you up so you ruin your newly rekindled friendship.

 

Personally I'd let it go because she already knows he cheats and she seems to be okay with it.

[Purepony]

Why do you have to tell her I mean it has nothing to do with you why not just stay out of it?

 

To me it does sound like your sour about your relationship breaking up because there's no obligation for you to tell her or any real reason I understand your friends but their relationship is their relationship

[justasmalltowngirl]

I've wanted to tell her for sometime, but was threatened by my ex boyfriend not to do so.

I feel obliged to atleast tell her something as my loyalties lie with her and she helped me through my breakup.

[Bastile]

A lot depends on the sort of relationship you have with your mate.

 

Some people are naturally useless, and your telling them that they are being disrespected in this way will fall on deaf ears. Or worse, you'll end up being made out to be the bad guy, and perhaps her partner ends up hating you.

 

So, I'd judge carefully what kind of person they are. I have a friend myself that is getting exploited and about to get dumped harshly by his girl, and no way am I or anyone else sticking our noses into that. Because despite his better qualities, he will cling to her until the bitter end, and will block out anyone telling him sense.

 

Some people you just have to leave to it, and manage them in such a way that their problems don't effect you too much. I'd actually say this is the case more often than not.

[elaine567]

As you have "proof" then you need to share what you have with her and let her make up her own mind.

She is your friend and so you cannot just sit back and let her bf make a fool out of her. She already knows the score with him, this is not the first time he has cheated, so it will not be a total shock to her.

 

Do not go all judgemental on her or go on some rant about her POS bf. Just tell her you have something to show her and give her time to process it and make up her own mind about what she wants to do about it.

If she asks, give her your honest opinion but if she doesn't ask do not volunteer anything.

It is up to her whether she wants to forgive him again, so just be on her side whatever she decides.

 

I think some "messengers" tend to go in guns a-blazing and they have already decided the course of action, so give the person no room for manoeuvre, they back the message receiver into a corner.

The only thing the message receiver can then do, if they disagree with that "obvious" course of action, is to "kill" the messenger.

[Purepony]

Your loyalty is to be a good friend not a snitch !

[LoverofWrestling]

Just be honest with her - pure and simple.

[smackie9]

Why hasn't anyone not seen what it truly going on here? The ex BF is setting up his friend to get dumped by his GF so they can be both single together again. He is using the OP to do it for him.

 

OP stop talking to your ex...cut him off and remove yourself from this group all together. You shouldn't be involved in any of this. Your relationship ended 3 months ago....just move on already.

 

OP you are being used! Your ex is a jerk. Don't fall for his tactics.

[road]

Why hasn't anyone not seen what it truly going on here? The ex BF is setting up his friend to get dumped by his GF so they can be both single together again. He is using the OP to do it for him.

 

OP stop talking to your ex...cut him off and remove yourself from this group all together. You shouldn't be involved in any of this. Your relationship ended 3 months ago....just move on already.

 

OP you are being used! Your ex is a jerk. Don't fall for his tactics.

 

Smackie, is very wise.

[justasmalltowngirl]

Why hasn't anyone not seen what it truly going on here? The ex BF is setting up his friend to get dumped by his GF so they can be both single together again. He is using the OP to do it for him.

 

OP stop talking to your ex...cut him off and remove yourself from this group all together. You shouldn't be involved in any of this. Your relationship ended 3 months ago....just move on already.

 

OP you are being used! Your ex is a jerk. Don't fall for his tactics.

 

He told me some time ago before we split up around this time last year to exact.

[Popsicle]

If she's giving him "one more chance", then it appears she already knows he cheats. And she's still with him.

 

Going to her with some "he said, she said" stuff will only get you embroiled in their mess. I'd extricate myself from all of these people and move on with my life.

 

This.

 

Popsicle

[smackie9]

He told me some time ago before we split up around this time last year to exact.

This is a year ago.....it's time to just move on then.

[misspalmy]

the messager always get the blame, i wouldnt say anything