What should i do!, trust & forgiveness!

[caring guy]

We've been having a rough patch & it hasn't been totally smooth over the last 18 months that we've been together, but always we've straightened it out ourselves. Things like when i've drank too much, sometimes beeen complacent, took for granted, felt emotionaly cold towards her & sometimes not shown respect, commitment. All i admit to, have learned from, but good times there's been & many, as we click so well, always laughing & enjoy lots of similar things.

 

Recently she wanted some space & rarely, she went out on a night out with her sister & a guy gave her attention, this was in a real low in the relationship. They met, had dinner, he went to hers, they kissed & it always makes me feel ill when i think of this, but he gave her lovebite & he wanted sex, but she told him she was with me & couldn't, as i was in her mind, even though she may have wanted, they have talked & sms each other as we do & i think they met in town for coffee too.

She admitted all this to me, but i did see an email left unattended that he'd sent her saying he'd enjoyed the meal!

 

I want her so bad, i'm looking after her house & pets as she's on holiday, we've talked on phone but realy need to face to face! She doesn't want to lose me, she feels he makes her feel special, he's 22 & she's 30 & she says he's commited to her & coincidentaly, all she likes, he likes, maybe a coinciidence, i dunno!!!

I've told her that Actions speak loudr than words & i want to show her, she feels if she gives me a 4 month trial, it may not work, but aint all relationships like that!

Trust between us both is needed, can i trust her out on town again & can she trust me with a chance to be more commited & affectionate (i do tell her i love her everyday & buy her flowers).

I'll see her next Friday, when she returns, can anyone give me advice as to how to win her back to my arms. Should i buy her roses, romance her, or will she see me as a mug. I think maybe i led her to this, so i take some blame, or should i?

Is what i did worse & do i deserve it!.

Advice please

CG

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'll see her next Friday, when she returns, can anyone give me advice as to how to win her back to my arms. Should i buy her roses, romance her, or will she see me as a mug. I think maybe i led her to this, so i take some blame, or should i?

 

The problem isn't what you can do to win her back into your arms. The problem is that for whatever reason, she wanted to cheat on you. As soon as whatever it is inside her that causes her to want to cheat on you is fixed, then you'll have a chance. Otherwise, you'll be stuck with a serial cheater.

 

Not even a truckload of roses or romance will make a cheater stop. Only they can do that, and they have to make a conscious decision to do so.

[caring guy]

The attention, making her feel special, comitment, showing we have a future, but romance is part of making her feel special, that i'd go to the trouble & make her feel worth it!

Thats that, all else is good, we click fine!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Thats that, all else is good, we click fine!

 

That's why she will fight to keep you in her life, even as she continues to cheat on you in the future.

 

The attention, making her feel special, comitment, showing we have a future, but romance is part of making her feel special

 

Romance away, but be aware that heaping romance onto a cheater won't make them stop cheating. She has something inside her that made her want to cheat on you, when she could have said 'no'. Figure out what it is that made her say 'yes' when she could have said 'no' and perhaps you could turn your attention to working on that, and the romance can come later.

[jmargel]

Caring Guy,

 

You are going about it the wrong way. She has already sought the attention of another man. Dousing her in romance and love will just have her getting attention from two different men. If she truly loves you and wants to work on this, she will end contact with this other man. However depending on how long you have emotionally strayed from her she may think your words have no meaning.

 

Just by showing her huge amounts of affection is not going to bring her back. You two have to really dig deep to get to the root of the problem. How long have you two been together? If you two are serious I would seek counseling.

[caring guy]

J margel, we've seen each othe 18 months, she says she wants to believe me, thats why i say Actions speak louder than words.

This is what she's been after & lacked in us, that she feels special & wanted, romanced!

She said that she never ever would look at another guy, but felt so low after a argument we had & i just said 'i don't care anymore', i did, i just say these things.

 

She had no intentions of cheating, but she told me that she felt so low & he made her feel so good, & i've been selfish admitadly in the relationship, she decided to try him out.

She told me she won't end it with me when we see each other, she loves me & has told me she will see him in a public place & explain the situation, but she will be open & tell me when she does it.

I mean does she expect me to be working at healing the relationship & her seeing him.

I say we both have to trust as we've both done wrong!, she says my probs & whats happened between us over the year, like i said in my initial post, & what she's done are the same. She can't expect to be seeing the 2 of us at once to see who she wants. She knows my comitment & love, she knows how well we get on & doesn't want to olose that, but i'm not playing 2nd fiddle.

 

Should i call her bluff & say it's him or me, but i don't wanna lose her.

I know i've given her reason to look elsewhere, but she should have finished it 1st!

[TMCM]

Originally posted by caring guy Should i call her bluff & say it's him or me, but i don't wanna lose her. I know i've given her reason to look elsewhere, but she should have finished it 1st!

 

Ultimatums are worthless unless the person issuing them is committed to implementing them, no matter what the cost. If you are not then the only thing you will gain is the loss of your credibility which will end any fear she might have of losing you and free her to continue her relationship with the OM [other man].

 

You may have helped create the environment where her affair became possible but she is solely responsible for making the choice to betray you. Don't let her try to justify her actions and blame you for them. Respectfully remind her that not every woman in a similar situation, and with a tempting opportunity, chooses to betray her H. Also remind her that she is not a child but a grown woman with free will and solely responsible for her decisions.

 

Just like you have to earn her trust so that she can feel emotionally safe in opening her heart to you, so must she earn your trust in proving that she will no longer betray you. That can only happen if BOTH of you:

 

1. Agree of her not having anymore contact with the OM ever again. This one is non-negotiable for there is NO hope for your marriage if this is not first implemented.

 

2. Agree to become mutually accountable to one another regarding your times and whereabouts. This is not a sign of submission but a freely conscious decision to show each other your committment to one another.

 

3. Agree to keep no secrets from one another and that includes agreeing to give each other access to phone records, email passwords, etc. This is a sign that neither has anything to hide from the other and builds peace of mind for BOTH.

 

4. Agree to avoid individual decisions without the agreement and at the expense of the other. This is a sign of consideration for each other's feelings and strengthens the relationship further.

 

There are of course more but faithfully implementing these 4 trust builders will go a long way in showing that actions are truly louder than words.

 

 

 

TMCM

[westernxer]

The two of you will never make it over the hump if she keeps humping the other guy.

 

You both need counseling, otherwise the two of you are history.

[caring guy]

Hi

We have spoke on phone & i have spoke of trust!, i feel i'll be oppressive if i start asking her this & that about where we are etc, & she feel s the same if i'm in the house & drinking for etc!, bit of difference eh!

TMCM your right with your 4 rules.

She says 'we' are in a rocky relationship, whereas they are friends, but he wants a relationship, so i said i would go with her to see him when she decides to tell him the situation, she snapped back by saying if i did that i'd become aggressive with him, i said i wouldn't as you were the one to encourage him, he wasn't to know they were a couple! .

See, she has said we will spend time together on her return & that she will not end the relationship then!, as she loves me, & wants to believe i'll be more to her liking with my faults.

 

Yes, she decided to cheat, but she thinks that what she has done, she'd need to do for the same amount of time as the probs i've given her, like is that total bull or is it just me!

I also analize into things said too much, if she calls me baby & sweetheart & says that she misses me & can't wait to see me, i take that as we'll be ok. But then she says she'l see him to explain stuff! & will be open with me & tell me! & when i said we had a 'productive' chat on the phone, i'll mention it & she'll say i analize too much, i'm just in limbo & hate it.

Like she expects me to allow her to see him & me, but she loves me & don't wanna lose me!, i guess i should implament this ultimatum, asap!

 

Does the push & pull thing work, i leave alone & they come to me, i push & they move further away, was just wondering, as i =t can blow up in your face if they think your backing off & they think, great, he's leaving me alone!