I dumped her, and now I have so many questions.

[Kjrrg]

I made a thread here before but was in no place to make any decisions at that time. Now that I am farther removed from the A I was involved in, I think I need to start figuring some things out.

 

Ex GF and I were together for a decade. Never fought, always got along great, no real sexual passion but I never saw myself leaving her. But then I met xMW at work. Ex GF and I had agreed on an "open relationship" some years back because of her lack of libido. I never really pursued anyone in relation to this sex only "agreement" until xMW. But what xMW and I had turned into more than just sex. I honestly thought she would end up leaving her H, and that is the only reason I was okay with what we were doing, because we were "long lost lovers" yadda yadda. That turned into a trainwreck that you can read on the other man/woman forum.

 

Anyway, the fact that I had developed such strong feelings for xMW, for whatever reason, it just didn't feel like I was doing right by my ex GF despite being "open". I left her, but we have remained friends despite how badly I hurt her.

 

In the weeks since my split with xMW, I have been getting over her more and more with a few minor setbacks here and there. Ex GF and I have continued to hang out, in fact we did so about six days in a row while I've been sick. I have helped her with chores around her house (when I was still healthy), because she feels overwhelmed and very depressed most of the time. She was like this even back when we were together. Since our split she has been getting things in order around the house and with her mental and physical health the best she can, but does have her setbacks, especially when her depression kicks in hard.

 

I'm trying to get to the point. Since I have slowly been getting over xMW, I have been thinking hard about why I did what I did to my ex GF. Did I really throw our relationship away over MY libido? Or did I make the right decision at the time?

 

I honestly thought with how much we have been hanging out and talking lately that maybe we were on the slow road to relationship recovery. I thought maybe this was leading somewhere. I was willing to see where it all went without forcing anything. But today she went into a dark place with her depression, told me she can't wait to die, that she is worthless unlovable trash and everybody she has ever been with just sticks their dick in her and drops her on her ass. She said it took me a while to do the same thing, but I eventually did. She basically guilt tripped the hell out of me, deservedly or not, and it sort of blindsided me because of how well we have been getting along lately. I stopped replying to her after that barrage and haven't spoken to her since.

 

I'm really not sure what to do. We agreed to someday talk about our relationship again, but hadn't gotten there yet, especially with me being sick. I was trying to see where things went naturally without overthinking it. But after today's onslaught my brain is going nuts again.

 

I know I shouldn't just go back to her out of guilt, but should I go back because that's what I'm SUPPOSED to do after mistakenly thinking that I was going to end up with xMW? I know going back would make her so happy and that is all that I want for her right now. I suppose I would be happy as well (perhaps due to the return of the status quo because hey, the idea of dating again is terrifying and also again because I know it would make her happy) but I would also be kind of bored, I think. Right back into the same ol' routine. I want to experience what I did with xMW again, and I'm not sure I'll ever have that passion with my ex GF because we never really did in the first place. I know A relationships are different than regular relationships, but still. Ex GF and I NEVER had anything like that.

 

There are so many questions I can't even articulate right now. I know I am scared to be alone. I know I just want my ex to be happy. I know I feel absolutely horrible about what I did to her. I don't know if I made the right decision in leaving. I don't know if going back would be an even worse idea. I don't know if I am not being fair to her by trying to be friends even though, again, we had been getting along great. I just don't know what to do. Maybe it hasn't been long enough for me to make a decision, but I am at my wits end with how I'm supposed to help her. I just want her to be okay, even if it has to be at my own expense. I'm sitting here sick as a dog still dealing with my own issues with xMW but all I want to do is make sure that my ex will be okay. I don't know if she will be.

Edited June 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Knix]

You should never go back into a relationship with someone out of guilt, or because you think there are no better options.

 

 

If she doesn't have the same libido as you, that's a big indicator that its not a good match. There are a LOT of people out there, just move on. Especially if she has depression and is telling you all those things. Suggest to her that she get some help, maybe let one of her friends or her family members know what she is saying to you, and then stop connection. When I read what you wrote, it sounded like she was trying to make you feel sorry for her and go back to her... not healthy.

 

 

Also not healthy to be with xMW (ex married woman?). Go find a single young healthy girl with a high sex drive. Online dating is the new rage. you can find everything nowadays. You don't need to choose or feel guilty about the past, move forward and look for something better.

[healing light]

Since our split she has been getting things in order around the house

 

she went into a dark place with her depression, told me she can't wait to die

 

Even before you mentioned that second line, I was wondering if she was getting things in order around her house because she has a suicide plan.

 

I don't think she's in a position to offer a healthy relationship to anyone--so I would not date her if I were you (because I think eventually you'll end up in the same situation with another A or looking for a way out when you do meet someone who is compatible with you), but I also would not meet the expression of her desire to die with silence, either.

 

I would at least reply back that while you are still under the weather, you hope that she feels better and you prefer the world with her in it. Tell her that you did not just see her as a place to stick your dick in and ask her to consider the guidance of a professional because you know you're not the only one who values her life.

 

Sometimes when people are depressed and say things like that it can come from a true desire to die in the moment and it's a call for love or help. To know that someone cares. If the woman was important to you, I wouldn't take the chance of silence being your last words, especially if she is unusually putting her house in order and doing things that she wouldn't normally do.

[Kjrrg]

Well, she has been getting things in order because that's just what she needs to do. We both needed to when living where we did but didn't do a very good job. Since our breakup she has been doing these things and doing well, but sometimes her depression gets the better of her. I have been there for her throughout but the other night was jarring because I thought maybe we were working toward being something more again. Now I just don't know. I did message her today though, and she replied. She seems okay for the moment.

[Sweetfish]

Whats really F#$@ed up is for a decade or the time you (not her) decided for your own gain you wanted an open relationship you've exploited your exgf mental unstability for a quick lay.

 

Just to maintain the relationship. she allowed you to have sex with other women and you still left her and in this thread your more concern about your guilt and not her depression, mental health, nor the low blow to her ego to not even stay. We are not talking about now... im saying you didnt make a move in this thought until you were alone and thats screwed up and now you can reflect.

 

Some people pray for such loyality in a partner and you dumped her like a bad habit.

 

If guilt is your biggest concern... please do her a favor and leave her alone and you also need to be alone.

 

If you cannot love your ex for who she is..... you need to leave her and let her discover new ways to learn about her self as so do you.

[Kjrrg]

Alright. Can I ask for this thread to be removed? I know what I need to do.

 

Thank you for your replies.