Left an abusive marriage..why am I having second thoughts?..

[medmotive]

I've been with my ex for over 9 years and only married for 2. The relationship was amazing the first 3 years and I was as happy as I could be even though he was very jealous I didn't think much of it and thought it was cute when I was young (not so much now).

 

But year 4 is when it started to go downhill. He started to comment about my weight and what I ate even though I was the exact same weight as when I met him. Nothing had changed my lifestyle had never changed but all of the sudden I didn't seem to be good enough for him. We still worked out and took walks together, I could understand if I had gained a significant amount of weight but for nothing to change struck me as strange. He began to refuse to sleep with me until he saw my weight go down and it broke me almost to the point of making myself sick for him because it was an everyday battle with... But then he would turn around and call me beautiful and that I was perfect the way I was. It made no sense besides dragging down my self esteem.

 

It went on like this until I wasn't even the same person anymore..I was more depressed then I had been in my entire life and even needing medication. But I loved him and convinced myself he only wanted to see me healthy. But the criticism kept coming and it was a very slow process to where I began to feel isolated and alone. He didn't like any of my friends and started to dislike my family and little by little I was alone and had no one to turn to but him.

 

There had been multiple times to where he had talked to other women, destroyed my things because he got angry, and cussed and belittled me when we had fights and I didn't agree with what he was saying...so why do I miss him so much? Why would anyone want to go back to that?

 

I made the choice to leave after the last few months became physically violent..I began to stand up for myself and say that this was not okay and I didn't want to be talked to like crap but it just made him angrier. It's hard to imagine but I do still love him and think I always will. There are days were I feel like I can handle everything and days like today where I wonder if I made a mistake by leaving. it's hard to imagine letting anyone else in and I'm afraid to..I wonder if I will ever find the one considering I thought he was my one.

 

So if anyone has any advice I would truly appreciate it..I have a hard time talking to my friends or family about any of this..they say I should be happy I'm out and that he's out of my life and there no reason for me to feel sad and that I'm just being silly...when I feel like inside my heart is in pieces.

Edited June 16, 2017 by medmotive
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[bluefeather]

hi..

 

This is too complex for me to answer, especially at this hour - I'd bet it has something to do with psychology. But I wanted to chime in to say that you are deserving of love. It's a bright and warm and giving kind of love that does not hurt you. And you can give that love to yourself by letting go of any second thought of going back into an abusive relationship.

 

Take care.

[mikeylo]

Time and complete no contact. These two will take you to a point of being happy , just like your friends and family are saying. It will happen. You need lots of self care and love.

 

You don't mention kids. In either case, count your blessings because your life could have turned worse if you still stayed with him.

 

Are you divorced now , filed or just separated?

[Roseline]

Hi Medmotive, your feelings are completely normal. There is so much research on this exact topic. The psychology of abuse wires people's brains in such a way that it is actually so much harder to break out of it and stay out of it than it is to end a relationship that was not abusive. This may sound illogical, but it actually isn't. It takes the average abuse victim 7-10 attempts to leave, including periods of separation, before actually leaving for good. This is because the impulse to go back is not unlike a drug addiction. Read into trauma bonding/ stockholme syndrome. The brain unconsciously develops a deep bond with the abuser, it's actually a very healthy and normal psychological mechanism that helps people survive real or perceived captivity. Don't even bother talking about it to people who will tell you you are being silly. You've been through serious trauma, and most people have no clue what that means and what it does to a person. You've also been systematically broken down and made to question your own perceptions of reality (gaslighting), so now you are seeking validation from outside sources, but when someone tells you that you are being silly it is completely invalidating and actually perpetuates the abuse dynamic, which often continues after the break up. Even if you've gone no-contact, he's basically trained you to constantly question yourself and to feel like you need him. I wish I could say that it's an easy process, but leaving is really just the beginning, and healing hurts. Just know that you did the right thing, your feelings are valid, feeling an intense need to go back to your abuser is perfectly normal and it's actually what most abuse-victims experience, and that you will heal from this. Many blessings to you.

[BaileyB]

Dear girl, have you had any counselling? If the answer is no, perhaps you should contact a women's shelter and see if there is someone who could meet with you - just for an hour. It may really help you to understand all these complicated feelings that you are having. It is important to understand and to learn, because you don't want to enter another abusive relationship in the future. You want, and you deserve, to have a healthy, loving relationship...

 

That said, as you struggle to understand how you are feeling, know that you made the right decision. Your marriage was clearly abusive and you are a strong woman to Leave your abusive partner and end the relationship. I admire your strength and your courage. You are definitely better off without this man in your life... even though sometimes it still may not feel like it.

[isolatedgothic]

Your heart is in pieces. This is a true statement. The dream that you had of a happy family life with him, of him being "your person," of him being your one and only partner, is shattered. Your head knows the truth and can accept it, but your heart hasn't caught up yet.

 

When I left my abusive marriage, I struggled for a long time. Finally, a good friend explained it to me this way: When a barn is on fire, a horse has to be led out of the barn blindfolded. The horse will fight against being led out. This is the only home he knows. This is where he feels safe. Never mind that it's on fire and he will ultimately lose his life in that barn. He wants nothing more than to return to the barn. This is why his face must be covered and he be led out - so he doesn't return to the burning barn.

 

I think in many ways, you are like the horse who wants to return to the only home she has known. It's hard for your heart to understand that the barn is on fire and is not your safe haven anymore. You just have to allow someone to help lead you to safety. Find a team of support - counselors, someone mentioned the local abuse shelter, read online articles supporting your decision, talk to trusted people. Take their hand and get out of that burning barn. Just like the horse.