Feeling Insecure Lately

[alsudduth]

Lately I've been feeling very insecure. We are making our big move this weekend (YAY!!) That means my husband will be able to start looking for a job soon and hopefully relieve some stress I'm having over being the only one with an income having just bought a house. (I can manage the bills, but the lack of a second income is definitely having an affect on lifestyle)

 

Anyway, I keep having these super insecure thoughts anytime I think of my H getting a job. I keep telling myself he's going to find someone better than me as soon as he gets out there. I realize that this is my own insecurity to work on. I think it's exasperated because of the stress of planning a move while still working full time, being a full time mom to 2 kids (including 1 teenage daughter unhappy about moving!), dealing with the financial stress of being the only one with an income. All of it has left me with no energy or really much desire if I'm honest to go to the gym, workout or just get moving in addition to trying to manage a healthy diet. I try, but I struggle with diet in the first place, so adding stress the the mix just makes me feel like a lost cause at the moment.

 

I guess at the end of the day, I am feeling very unattractive, and maybe a little like when my H does get a job like he won't need me. My H is very into working out, and goes to the gym for a couple hours almost every day. He is content to just eat plain over baked chicken while drinking down a cup of egg whites. It makes me feel bad that he is doing all this exercise and I can barely get myself to go for a walk (I did yesterday at least so I could see a friend before we move)

 

It doesn't help that it's almost 118 degrees here, so being outside even to walk to the car and then drive somewhere is exhausting. We are moving to a place with better weather, so I imagine that I will have a much easier time wanting to be out and active again. I do best with doing some kind of sporting activity or walking....I have had lots of success losing weight and keeping weight off in the past, so I know I can do it again I just have to find my motivation.

 

How can I reign in the insecure thoughts in the meantime though? And how can I find that motivation among all the stress I've got going on right now? I don't want to push all my insecurities on my husband, because I know it's me and not him.

[Knix]

I think these worries you're having are very normal, but you just can't let them run your life. Has he ever done anything to make you feel like he would be unfaithful? If not, you're just creating a personal hell for yourself in your mind. You also have to let a person live their life,if he was a cheater you would be better off without him around. But if he's done nothing like that before, he's your husband and you have to trust him.

 

 

As far as the weight stuff goes, I'm with ya girl! Stress makes the idea of working out seem impossible. I'd rather pour a glass of white wine in this heat and watch real housewives but if you really want to get back into the gym, maybe try going early in the morning when it's still cool out. You could also tell your husband you want to go together and make it a way for you two to get closer. (They say working out together can release hormones that promote sexual desire).

 

With all the stress of moving and stuff too, I would suggest setting a night where you two don't think about moving and just go out on a date. It doesn't need to be anything crazy, just go out to dinner and walk around town or go to the beach on a Saturday.. remember moving and the stress of it is temporary but your relationship is important good luck! I hope I helped

[alsudduth]

I think these worries you're having are very normal, but you just can't let them run your life. Has he ever done anything to make you feel like he would be unfaithful? If not, you're just creating a personal hell for yourself in your mind. You also have to let a person live their life,if he was a cheater you would be better off without him around. But if he's done nothing like that before, he's your husband and you have to trust him.

 

 

As far as the weight stuff goes, I'm with ya girl! Stress makes the idea of working out seem impossible. I'd rather pour a glass of white wine in this heat and watch real housewives but if you really want to get back into the gym, maybe try going early in the morning when it's still cool out. You could also tell your husband you want to go together and make it a way for you two to get closer. (They say working out together can release hormones that promote sexual desire).

 

With all the stress of moving and stuff too, I would suggest setting a night where you two don't think about moving and just go out on a date. It doesn't need to be anything crazy, just go out to dinner and walk around town or go to the beach on a Saturday.. remember moving and the stress of it is temporary but your relationship is important good luck! I hope I helped

 

He actually has cheated on me, and asked for a divorce a few years ago. I then also had an affair, and now for the last year we have made a lot of progress on our relationship.

 

You did help with weight issue ideas...I can't go to the beach unfortunately since I don't live near one, but my new town has lots of forest trails, lakes for kayaking, etc

 

I'm sure it will pass, I just have to get through this time without beating myself up too much. it's so hard some days though.

[Knix]

He actually has cheated on me, and asked for a divorce a few years ago. I then also had an affair, and now for the last year we have made a lot of progress on our relationship.

 

You did help with weight issue ideas...I can't go to the beach unfortunately since I don't live near one, but my new town has lots of forest trails, lakes for kayaking, etc

 

I'm sure it will pass, I just have to get through this time without beating myself up too much. it's so hard some days though.

 

 

 

That information does change things a bit..

 

 

Did you cheat on him to get even? Sometimes relationships can heal after cheating but if after a year you are still worried that he will do it again, is that a real relationship? You don't trust him, and I don't blame you-- he cheated and then wanted a divorce. You say you're working on your relationship but if you're still feeling like this after a year, I don't think you should keep going on with this and suffering inside.

 

 

You have to be honest with yourself, it's not about anyone else. If you can't trust him and every time he goes to the gym or drinks a glass of raw eggs you're worried he's doing it for someone else, you need to seriously consider if this is worth it. A lot of people sit through marriages like this, suffering and suffering without realizing that there are SOOOO many other people out in the world that won't cheat, won't make you second guess yourself, won't make you suffer inside. That's not why we're here on this earth, in my opinion. When it comes to finding a partner, it's not a scarcity issue, it's a sorting issue. If you could be with someone else tomorrow that you didn't have to worry about cheating or hurting you, would you do it? If the answer is yes, you may want to reconsider this relationship.

 

 

It sounds like you are also providing for the both of you at this point, so you would be okay financially (even better) if he were gone. You work and he works out? Not cool. Just because he cheated doesn't mean you need to become a cheater, I was in a similar situation. Being cheated on hurt so badly that I wanted to be on the other end, it still doesn't feel good, especially when you know you're better than that. So stay above it, and remember you don't HAVE to be in this situation. It's better to be alone than to be in bad company...

 

 

If you genuinely want to work on things with him, you have to stop worrying about whether or not he will cheat. If you can't do that, you're wasting your time and suffering unnecessarily.

[KimJ1234]

Unfortunately what he does is out of your control. The only things you can control are your actions.

I believe the most important things for you to do are:

Start exercising and eating healthy.

Speak to your husband about your worries.

Maintain your job and independence outside of the marriage.

 

If your relationship does go south it's important to be able to take care of yourself financially and physically.

 

Infidelity breads insecurities, I know. Take care of yourself first.

[Unforseen]

That's it really. Feeling insecure and worried? Spread it around! Well okay, not really, but actually kinda sorta. Given what you guys have been through it is very understandable that your H in a new job with new coworkers, some of whom are bound to be female, is making you nervous and insecure. Since you are probably still feeling many after effects of his A it is perfectly normal for you to feel this way. I am still working through many of those left over feelings myself with my wife's EAs. I'm worried that I'm not attractive enough or exciting enough or that I don't give her the attention she needs. Or in other words, a result of her betrayal is that I question my self worth and if I am "good enough" for her. Oh boy is that exciting. Am I good enough for the person that betrayed me...

 

It takes a lot of positive self talk and focus to turn that back around and remember that I'm not the one who did the betraying. I'm not the one that needs to be worried about being good enough. Which is not to say I get to let myself go and be a jerk, I just try to focus on being my authentic self.

 

As for you H, it might help to bring him in on the secret. Let him know your worries and insecurities and maybe, instead of waiting for him to figure out how to best help you (even though I know he is pretty intuitive about meeting your needs!) don't be afraid to about let him know you do need some reassuring. That you are feeling unattractive and some kind words and actions to the contrary would go a long way in helping you feel better.

 

I hope the move goes well and I hope you two are able to step back from the madness for a bit to just enjoy each other's company in your new town.

[understand50]

alsudduth,

 

Best thing is to talk this out with your husband. Keeping this to yourself is, in the end, destructive to your relationship. I know your story, and yes, you will always have these feeling, but the best way to overcome this is to talk it out if you can.

 

I wish you luck....

[alsudduth]

I talked with my H about what I've been feeling. I told him that I've been feeling pretty insecure lately and that I wasn't going to say anything initially, but that I'm trying this whole "communicate with your spouse" thing that seems to be working well for us...

 

I told him that I was feeling insecure that once he finds a job he will decide he doesn't need me anymore. (He of course said that's not true) I also told him that I worry that he will find someone better than me and he said that is something that could go both ways, and I told him he was right, but that I'm letting him know that I don't want that to happen, which was why I was communicating my concern to him.

 

I told him that I've been feeling unattractive lately and about feeling bad about not being able to get the motivation to do anything remotely resembling exercise, and that it's really been bothering me. We talked about how stress affects me, and he told me that once we get to our new home, he's sure I will be able to exercise and relieve some stress in a place that outdoor activities that I enjoy doing for exercise (sports, hiking, etc) will be more enjoyable without the extreme heat we face where we currently are.

 

We talked about how I feel overwhelmed when I have a lot of my plate, and how when I'm working on 1 task all I can think of is the other 20 I should be doing. I told him maybe I should just start delegating a certain amount of time to focus only on the 1 task at hand before moving on to the next. He said he would describe that as how he handles things like that....so I'm going to try that. He asked if there is anything I can do right now that I feel helps me relieve stress and I told him that I enjoy guided meditations, so he told me to do more of that, and take more breaks at work to stretch. He reminded me that we actually have a few sets of weights here that I can use to even just get a little workout in at home.

 

Then I told him that it was interesting that he handles stress like that, since his routine for doing house work is basically the opposite! He agreed that that was interesting, and we had a few laughs about how HIS method of doing chores is actually better.....(but not really lol) I told him a few years ago I would have argued that his way of doing chores is just plain wrong, but that today I'm just glad he puts in an effort.

 

I told him I feel bad that he's doing all this work to be buff and (in my opinion super hot ) and that it's bothering me that I'm not doing the same for him. (and for me) I know I can get there though soon enough.

 

I'm sure until I see progress from myself I'll still feel the insecurity, but better than I did before, and I'm glad I talked to him about it. For those who aren't super familiar with my story, my husband gas lighted me originally into believing it was my own insecurities that had me questioning whether something was wrong in our marriage 4 years ago, when in reality he was planning to leave me for another woman.....which is why it's hard to talk to him when I am feeling insecure - BUT I'm glad I did today. It makes me realize we are growing.

[understand50]

I talked with my H about what I've been feeling. I told him that I've been feeling pretty insecure lately and that I wasn't going to say anything initially, but that I'm trying this whole "communicate with your spouse" thing that seems to be working well for us...

 

I told him that I was feeling insecure that once he finds a job he will decide he doesn't need me anymore. (He of course said that's not true) I also told him that I worry that he will find someone better than me and he said that is something that could go both ways, and I told him he was right, but that I'm letting him know that I don't want that to happen, which was why I was communicating my concern to him.

 

I told him that I've been feeling unattractive lately and about feeling bad about not being able to get the motivation to do anything remotely resembling exercise, and that it's really been bothering me. We talked about how stress affects me, and he told me that once we get to our new home, he's sure I will be able to exercise and relieve some stress in a place that outdoor activities that I enjoy doing for exercise (sports, hiking, etc) will be more enjoyable without the extreme heat we face where we currently are.

 

We talked about how I feel overwhelmed when I have a lot of my plate, and how when I'm working on 1 task all I can think of is the other 20 I should be doing. I told him maybe I should just start delegating a certain amount of time to focus only on the 1 task at hand before moving on to the next. He said he would describe that as how he handles things like that....so I'm going to try that. He asked if there is anything I can do right now that I feel helps me relieve stress and I told him that I enjoy guided meditations, so he told me to do more of that, and take more breaks at work to stretch. He reminded me that we actually have a few sets of weights here that I can use to even just get a little workout in at home.

 

Then I told him that it was interesting that he handles stress like that, since his routine for doing house work is basically the opposite! He agreed that that was interesting, and we had a few laughs about how HIS method of doing chores is actually better.....(but not really lol) I told him a few years ago I would have argued that his way of doing chores is just plain wrong, but that today I'm just glad he puts in an effort.

 

I told him I feel bad that he's doing all this work to be buff and (in my opinion super hot ) and that it's bothering me that I'm not doing the same for him. (and for me) I know I can get there though soon enough.

 

I'm sure until I see progress from myself I'll still feel the insecurity, but better than I did before, and I'm glad I talked to him about it. For those who aren't super familiar with my story, my husband gas lighted me originally into believing it was my own insecurities that had me questioning whether something was wrong in our marriage 4 years ago, when in reality he was planning to leave me for another woman.....which is why it's hard to talk to him when I am feeling insecure - BUT I'm glad I did today. It makes me realize we are growing.

 

Good for you. Did it make you feel better?

[alsudduth]

Good for you. Did it make you feel better?

 

It did The biggest thing was that he remembered what type of physical activities keep me most motivated to work out, instead of usual - "just go to the gym and do the same workout I do" response.

 

That alone made me feel better. Like he cares enough to finally understand that HIS solutions for him are not necessarily right for ME. And learning to talk to me in a way that shows he is realizing that I know what is right for me, I just need his support to execute sometimes makes me feel really good.

[Knix]

For those who aren't super familiar with my story, my husband gas lighted me originally into believing it was my own insecurities that had me questioning whether something was wrong in our marriage 4 years ago, when in reality he was planning to leave me for another woman.....which is why it's hard to talk to him when I am feeling insecure - BUT I'm glad I did today. It makes me realize we are growing.

 

He GASLIGHTED you? That is really BAD!!!! I realize that you talked to him and I'm glad you're feeling better, but it makes sense as to why you're always worried that he's cheating behind your back. Someone that has the capacity to cheat on you and then also make you feel crazy for questioning it doesn't have LOVE for you. It's no wonder you're always worried he's being unfaithful... he can pretend that everything is okay when he's secretly cheating. I'm really sorry you're going through this.. but I hope you do some deep thinking about this stuff. It's not your fault that you feel worried. You're not crazy.

[Mrs. John Adams]

It did The biggest thing was that he remembered what type of physical activities keep me most motivated to work out, instead of usual - "just go to the gym and do the same workout I do" response.

 

That alone made me feel better. Like he cares enough to finally understand that HIS solutions for him are not necessarily right for ME. And learning to talk to me in a way that shows he is realizing that I know what is right for me, I just need his support to execute sometimes makes me feel really good.

 

I truly am happy you feel better....it is encouraging when we do things right.