He's vanished from our emotional affair

[Undercoverirish]

I've been getting close to a man from work, we work in different offices but as part of the same team (with some trips away together). I think for me, I seen the convenience of it - being away for a few days and the opportunity being there. I haven't been very happy in my marriage but not ready to make a decision on if I end it or not.

 

I could tell that he was falling for me, or at least it seemed like he was. I was only interested in becoming physical but then it changed and we seemed to be drawn to each other like magnets.

 

We came very close to getting physical, he's told me he liked me, explained that he'd pulled away on the contact because his wife thought we were having n affair (yet he hasn't stopped contact all together!). Hearing this freaked me out and I ran for the hills.

 

Following this, he blocked me on WhatsApp, and I got the silent treatment for about 3 weeks until

I confronted him about his attitude and WhatsApp. He said he was only interested in a professional relationship. I said the same... I thought perhaps he didn't mean it.

 

He kept opening my email and I thought ok, I'll stick my neck out and I'll let him know how scared and freaked out I was about his wife and how I basically was interested.

 

I thought he sent me some smoke signals in the following days (I may be wrong!!), and decided I'd try and organise a call. I've been left with a rather blunt message that he doesn't want anything other than a professional relationship with me and that I'm making it difficult.

 

I feel so embarrassed and angry and upset, and confused. And foolish, very foolish. I had thought he was so interested and I've been fantasising about being with this man and basically ****ting on my husband and our marriage. I'm so confused at why he's suddenly pulled away, pretending like there was nothing ever there in the first place.

 

This is so hard to get over. And it's only been going on a very short time and didn't get physical.

[aileD]

His wife found out and confronted him and he did what he should have done: Stop all contact with you and unite with his wife.

 

Work on your marriage or get a divorce. Don't have an affair. It gets messy

[RecentChange]

He came to his senses.

 

And I dare to say that you let your feet leave the ground - affairs are born from fantasies and escape. You feel loss because you were starting to dream about something that now will never be.

 

The thing is, that dream never would have been.... Even if he didn't pull away.

 

Honestly he did you a favor by ending things when he did.

 

Now you have to deal with your reality (and not dwell on the fantasy the possible affair created) - which is that your marriage is on the rocks - so much so that you allowed yourself to be lured by someone else and started dreaming of another life

 

So now that you have been plummeted back down to the ground, you have to figure out if your marriage is something worth saving, or if you need to start planning for the end.

 

Neither of which are pleasant, nor give you the feel good chemicals that interaction with the other man did.

 

And that's why it feels like such a shock.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I agree that he came to his senses. You should be thanking him.

[Birdies]

This guy did you both the worlds biggest favor. Time to stop focusing on your bruised ego because a married man wouldn't help you cheat on your husband with him, and focus on your marriage. Either work on fixing it, or do the right thing by your husband and tell him you don't want to be married anymore.

 

Having an affair is the absolute worst way to deal with marital problems. Trust me, been there done that, it's a horrible disaster for everybody. You should be thanking this guy for acting like a decent human being, not pouting.

[Undercoverirish]

I know everything you're all saying it right - and I already knew it before I posted here. Yet I still let myself get carried away.

 

Is an affair often the symptom of marrital problems?

 

I think I've really let myself get carried away. Me and my husband have been drifting further and further and I've deliberately continued to live a seperate life and have been enjoying going out more often with my friends. Even last night he was telling me how he can't even find the words to describe how much he feels for me and I lay next to him feeling a bit empty. I feel so ashamed - he's such a good man and deserves so much more.

 

I don't even know how to go about reparing things. Should I speak to my husband first or try and get my feelings together first before I have that conversation? My fear is right now that if someone held a gun to my head and asked me to make a decision to stay or leave, I'd leave. And my marriage isn't bad - but there's obviously something that isn't right.

 

I have a knot in the pit of my stomach about OM but I guess that will disappear in time.

[Undercoverirish]

He came to his senses.

 

And I dare to say that you let your feet leave the ground - affairs are born from fantasies and escape. You feel loss because you were starting to dream about something that now will never be.

 

The thing is, that dream never would have been....

 

And I know this is right. I've became so obsessive about it and it's so embarrassing. I've been getting on like a lovesick teenager, it's awful. I have to face this man at work and I don't quite know how yet. We don't work in the same office but we're part of the same team and are sometimes away (as part of a team) for a few nights. I keep wondering if he's told ha immediate friends/teammates about me pursuing him and the message he's had to send me. Even that shame is unbearable right now. How can I ever recover from that?

[freengreen]

Short term intense emtionall affair stopped abruptly... I know how it feels. It feels like taking a drug you were sure you would sniff.

 

But trust me, it was the best thing that happened. For whatever reason he is gone, let him be. You pull it away too. If he comes back, dont bother taking him back.

[aileD]

is an affair often the symptom of marrital problems

 

 

Re-read that sentence again hon. Really?

 

You got attention from this guy. Your marriage has got into comfortable mode where the intense emotions have slowed or stopped and everyday life is boring

 

 

Spice things up with your H. If your marriage is otherwise good, this part can surely be fixed

[Friskyone4u]

I know everything you're all saying it right - and I already knew it before I posted here. Yet I still let myself get carried away.

 

Is an affair often the symptom of marrital problems?

 

I think I've really let myself get carried away. Me and my husband have been drifting further and further and I've deliberately continued to live a seperate life and have been enjoying going out more often with my friends. Even last night he was telling me how he can't even find the words to describe how much he feels for me and I lay next to him feeling a bit empty. I feel so ashamed - he's such a good man and deserves so much more.

 

I don't even know how to go about reparing things. Should I speak to my husband first or try and get my feelings together first before I have that conversation? My fear is right now that if someone held a gun to my head and asked me to make a decision to stay or leave, I'd leave. And my marriage isn't bad - but there's obviously something that isn't right.

 

I have a knot in the pit of my stomach about OM but I guess that will disappear in time.

 

What isn;'t right is that all your emotional energy has been on this OM and not on trying to fix your marriage. Sorry, but you do have to make the decision if you want to stay or leave. What you are wanting to do is cake eat.

 

If you want to give your marriage any chance tell your husband exactly what you posted here. If that does not get his attention then you better leave.

 

But telling him will also make it harder for you to restart your affair and I am guessing you want to keep that option open so you will cheat and get caught even though you think you will not and then the choice may not be yours.

 

And YES, what you are doing indicates trouble in your marriage . You should not need to ask that question.

[whichwayisup]

Is an affair often the symptom of marrital problems?

Most of all it's a symptom that something is broken inside of you. You chose to look elsewhere to solve your problems instead of being honest and communicating with your husband. You could have chosen to go to marriage counseling together, or even go on your own. But instead you made your marriage much worse by having an affair and allowing yourself to fall in love with another man.

I think I've really let myself get carried away. Me and my husband have been drifting further and further and I've deliberately continued to live a seperate life and have been enjoying going out more often with my friends. Even last night he was telling me how he can't even find the words to describe how much he feels for me and I lay next to him feeling a bit empty. I feel so ashamed - he's such a good man and deserves so much more.

 

He loves you yet you won't allow him to love you, you chose to go live life separately from him. You've emotionally detached from him and can't feel what you used to feel for him.

I don't even know how to go about reparing things. Should I speak to my husband first or try and get my feelings together first before I have that conversation? My fear is right now that if someone held a gun to my head and asked me to make a decision to stay or leave, I'd leave. And my marriage isn't bad - but there's obviously something that isn't right.

 

I have a knot in the pit of my stomach about OM but I guess that will disappear in time.

 

Be honest and come clean. Tell your husband that you let yourself develop feelings for another man. If you're going to reconnect and make an honest go of your marriage the truth has to come out.

 

Since the exMM's wife knows of his affair with you, it's only a matter of time before she contacts YOUR husband and lets him know what's been going on. Better for your H to hear it from you.

[Undercoverirish]

This might sound bizarre but I don't think I realised initially that there was a problem in my marriage. I think looking back, we've been coasting along and then all of a sudden I thought that having an affair would potentially be ok... some excitement, make things better at home.

 

All that's happened is that it's driven more of a wedge between me and hubby. I know that the the right thing to do is tell him, but that also has other implications.

 

The OM is in the same team with me at work and we (not often) but sometimes be away on overnight stays. Not just the two of us but as a team of 8. I don't want to make my work life any more difficult and I don't want him to be worried when I'm away that I'm going to cheat. Not just with this guy, but with anyone.

[Undercoverirish]

But telling him will also make it harder for you to restart your affair and I am guessing you want to keep that option open so you will cheat and get caught even though you think you will not and then the choice may not be yours.

 

I'm ashamed to admit that this is right. Part of me is still hoping - and I don't know why. WTF is wrong with me that I'd even entertain this.

[RecentChange]

Look, I was in a similar situation at one point.

 

I thought my marriage was just fine, no complaints.

 

Yet after 14 years of absolute faithfulness I found myself in a physical affair.

 

Was my marriage in bad shape at that time? Not really, but like you we had been drifting. Spending less time together, fallen into so much boring routine..... They say a relationship is a garden that needs tending. We had stopped tending to it.

 

I eventually got busted. Mine was a physical instead of emotional affair so it was easy to go no contact and start working on my marriage.

 

Others here will say you have to tell your husband about the other man. I don't know if you do, but you do have to have some hard talks.

 

Personally I could see telling him how you feel like you are drifting away from him and it scares you. That you are feeling a way you don't want to feel.

 

Spend some time thinking about your husband when you two first got together. What drew you to him. Think of ways to rekindle seeing him through those eyes again.

 

Make an effort to start having fun and building new memories together.

 

If you still love him, and are willing to put in the work I bet the clock can be turned back.

 

If you can't see him through those same loving eyes that you once had for him..... Then I think you know where you are going.

[whichwayisup]

This might sound bizarre but I don't think I realised initially that there was a problem in my marriage. I think looking back, we've been coasting along and then all of a sudden I thought that having an affair would potentially be ok... some excitement, make things better at home.

You're not owning what you've done. The tough love you may get here, take it in and start working on yourself. Why would you think it would be okay to cheat and have an affair? To hurt and betray your husband, go against your vows? Why did you choose to look elsewhere instead of communicating with your husband and putting energy into him instead of the OM? These are things you need to work out and figure out, with the help of marriage counseling.

How would cheating make your marriage better? If anything, it made you happier.

All that's happened is that it's driven more of a wedge between me and hubby. I know that the the right thing to do is tell him, but that also has other implications.

Yes and those implications are called consequences, it's part of the fallout of having an affair. If it means quitting your job or transferring to another department so you do not work directly with exMM at all (meaning no over night trips away anymore) then do just that. TO prove to your husband that you can be trustworthy again.

 

The OM is in the same team with me at work and we (not often) but sometimes be away on overnight stays. Not just the two of us but as a team of 8. I don't want to make my work life any more difficult and I don't want him to be worried when I'm away that I'm going to cheat. Not just with this guy, but with anyone.

 

Again, part of your consequence of having an affair. You created this situation by having one with someone you work with.

[whichwayisup]

I'm ashamed to admit that this is right. Part of me is still hoping - and I don't know why. WTF is wrong with me that I'd even entertain this.

 

Hoping what? That you'd get caught or start up the affair again?

 

You did the first step by asking for help on here. The next step is doing marriage counseling on your own and in time, with your husband (use the same person for individual counseling and couples counseling) this way you can get strong enough to confess it all to your H.

[Undercoverirish]

Hoping what? That you'd get caught or start up the affair again?

 

Start it up again ?

 

I feel like I'm obsessed.

[BaileyB]

Start it up again

 

I feel like I'm obsessed.

 

It's clear that he came to his senses and did the right thing by pulling back and honouring his wife and his marriage.

 

When you are going to come to your senses? This is self destructive.

[whichwayisup]

Start it up again ?

 

I feel like I'm obsessed.

 

Try this. The pain you're feeling now magnify that 1000 times and imagine your husband's pain. Turning his world upside down, losing that blind faith and trust he has in you. Imagine looking into his eyes and seeing the pain that you've inflicted upon him.

 

Please get some counseling. Would you consider going?

[SoleMate]

I recommend these books:

 

His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley

 

Feeling Good Together by David Burns

 

The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum

 

They'll give you the info you need to make your marriage more fulfilling (or perhaps decide to end it). Good luck!

[Undercoverirish]

Try this. The pain you're feeling now magnify that 1000 times and imagine your husband's pain. Turning his world upside down, losing that blind faith and trust he has in you. Imagine looking into his eyes and seeing the pain that you've inflicted upon him.

 

Please get some counseling. Would you consider going?

 

I know, and all for a cheap thrill! I would definitely consider counselling. I will look into it straight away. I've thought before that I could benefit from counselling on a personal level.

[Darren Steez]

Now imagine if you put half the energy you put into this into either working on your marriage or ending it, you'd have a result by now.

[Bufo]

No easy solution or even emotional support offered here. Instead it is practical

 

1. Can you see where you might become the object of a restraining order unless you engage in 100% No Contact?

 

2. Can you see yourself called to HR and being interrogated by those people whose only interest is protecting the company?

 

3. Can you imagine arriving home after a tough day at work only to have your H begin a conversation " Betrayed Wife calls me today and sent me some very interesting emails and texts. We need to talk about divorce right now".

 

4. Can you imagine yourself explaining to your mother or sister why your H filed for divorce or why you aren't living together now.

 

5. Can you imagine your married girlfriends learning that you are what used to be called A home wrecker? Think it's possible that you would be suddenly put in the category of potential enemy?

 

Take advantage of his refusal to communicate with you on anything but a professional basis. It will be far easier for H to accept this short term EA voluntarily confessed than to accept it uncovered or a PA later on.

[Southern Sun]

This might sound bizarre but I don't think I realised initially that there was a problem in my marriage. I think looking back, we've been coasting along and then all of a sudden I thought that having an affair would potentially be ok... some excitement, make things better at home.

 

All that's happened is that it's driven more of a wedge between me and hubby. I know that the the right thing to do is tell him, but that also has other implications.

 

The OM is in the same team with me at work and we (not often) but sometimes be away on overnight stays. Not just the two of us but as a team of 8. I don't want to make my work life any more difficult and I don't want him to be worried when I'm away that I'm going to cheat. Not just with this guy, but with anyone.

 

I am actually really glad you wrote this, because this was EXACTLY how I felt before my affair. I remember telling my xMM this! And guess what happened? I ended up in a 2 and 1/2 year long (off and on) physical AND emotional affair with him. When I said my M was perfectly fine, even happy.

 

What the what???

 

Yes, I think upon retrospect, there were issues in my marriage. But I did not go looking for an affair because of issues. I was coasting along, doing fine. I think the issues allowed me to lower my boundaries, however. Those built-up resentments, the problems we had continued to rug-sweep, those were the things I ended up turning to xMM to resolve. Can you fall for someone when you aren't looking for it? Yep, if you let your guard down.

 

And then, what a mess you've created!!!

 

Is a desire to have an affair a symptom of a problem in the M? Sometimes, it can be. It can be a red flag that you've grown apart; that there are issues you need to turn to each other to address; it can also be as basic as you enjoyed getting your ego stroked by a new person. Think about what you said above. Your marriage was fine. Being reminded that mine was fine is actually helpful to me at the moment. You create distance with an affair.

 

Your potential AP really did have his head screwed on straight by turning you down. Be grateful that it stopped where it did. Put your ego aside for a minute and think about all the people he respected by saying no, including you.

[jenkins95]

I am actually really glad you wrote this, because this was EXACTLY how I felt before my affair. I remember telling my xMM this! And guess what happened? I ended up in a 2 and 1/2 year long (off and on) physical AND emotional affair with him. When I said my M was perfectly fine, even happy.

 

What the what???

 

Yes, I think upon retrospect, there were issues in my marriage. But I did not go looking for an affair because of issues. I was coasting along, doing fine. I think the issues allowed me to lower my boundaries, however. Those built-up resentments, the problems we had continued to rug-sweep, those were the things I ended up turning to xMM to resolve. Can you fall for someone when you aren't looking for it? Yep, if you let your guard down.

 

And then, what a mess you've created!!!

 

Is a desire to have an affair a symptom of a problem in the M? Sometimes, it can be. It can be a red flag that you've grown apart; that there are issues you need to turn to each other to address; it can also be as basic as you enjoyed getting your ego stroked by a new person. Think about what you said above. Your marriage was fine. Being reminded that mine was fine is actually helpful to me at the moment. You create distance with an affair.

 

Your potential AP really did have his head screwed on straight by turning you down. Be grateful that it stopped where it did. Put your ego aside for a minute and think about all the people he respected by saying no, including you.

 

SS, just as undercoverish's post spoke to you, your response to it spoke to me! My marriage was in the best state it had been for years just before my A. I'd actually been depressed before that due to some issues that I perceived as incompatibilities in my marriage. I'd got past that and was happy. So happy that I started to do things that I didn't have the mental space for when I was depressed..... Going out wth friends, joining sports clubs, taking some new classes. Life was sweet. But I was very vulnerable and I didn't realise it - my new found happiness made me child like. I wanted to catch up on the life, fun and happiness I'd been missing out on while depressed, and when a beautiful young woman started taking an interest in me...... well, the rest is history.

 

This undid all the good work, devastated everyone and put that distance back between my wife and I plus interest, and now with the baggage of an affair which haunts us. I said I was depressed before, but that is almost insignificant compared to the pain and devastation unleashed due to my affair. I'm so furious with myself that, having got myself out of depression and to a happy place with a great marriage, I abused my new found happiness in the worst possible way.

 

Undercoverish. Everyone is saying it and I will add myself to that list. Honestly, hurtful though it may seem in the short term and a blow to your ego, the MM pulling back is a huge huge favour to you. Walk away and put 100% your marriage. If it doesn't work out, you can walk away with dignity knowing you tried. Don't let it all blow up by having an affair.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

Edited June 19, 2017 by jenkins95