Conflicting Relationship Problem / Breakup

[onceborn]

My bf [25m] [i am f 26y] (5y relationship, 3y of them we lived together) kissed another girl 6months ago while drunk, he told me after the fact. And now he did it again with another girl, drunk again.

We were having some problems, I am very insecure and sometimes I get depressed, and he is insecure too. But we were working on that, trying to be happy together. And sometimes we were but others we would argue over nothing. Sometimes my fault, others him.

He recently was diagnosed (6months ago, before the first girl) with a back problem, and then with a heart condition that required surgery (he did the surgery this week, a few days after the second girl).

In a way I understand he was going through but 2 days before the surgery, he told me about the second kiss and wanted to me to broke up with him, or he broke up with me saying that I shouldn't visit him to the hospital, that he didn't deserve me. Still, I don't know if the kisses were really related to his health...

Anyway I am trying to accept the break up but I had to visit and see him on the hospital (I went everyday), because I just would feel good with myself if I didn't but also because I really wanted to see him.

He looked horrible not only because of the surgery but also because he was feeling bad for hurting me and saying that I didn't deserve him.

I can figure out what is happening, if he loves me? If he just feels guilty? If the kisses were because of fear for his conditions or because he saw it as an opportunity to break up with me?

The weird thing is that he did tried to use excuses that hurted me even more that the cheating, like I was very depressed and that was why he kissed the first girl, that he saw on her how I was in the beginning of our relationship; or that he felt trap and full of my problems; that he wasn't sure about us; and after he broke with me I got very low, crying, hurting myself a little bit and breaking things, and feeling very depressed, and even drinked a lot and he didn't care. And some part of me thinks that he probably only cared in the end because he felt guilty or something since I was always with him, helping in the exams and doctor appointments and with other problems with his family.

We did tried to talk again, but is hard (he can get emotional without the ECG alarms starting)... He says he loves me but that he doesn't deserve me. That I should be with someone else and he doesn't deserve forgiveness. But I want him to fight for me, to try at least to get me back.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Ps. I do have emotional problems but always being afraid of going to a psicologist. But now I have decided to go on my first psychological consult. At least this is the only thing good that I see in it, made me confront my own problems.

[MountainGirl111]

Your loyalty to him is admirable. But, this isn't a good time to try and address your relationship problems...right after heart surgery. And not a good time to look to him to somehow fight for you.

 

It's great you're going to address your own issues with a professional. That's probably the best thing you can do right now. Regardless of what the future holds for your relationship, you've got to take care of what needs taking care of within you and that will benefit you on down the road no matter what happens.

 

Remember he was drunk when he kissed those girls. And he feels bad about it, obviously. Does he "deserve" you? Well, right now, he feels he doesn't and there's not much you can do to make him feel more deserving. Just work on yourself. That's your best shot at happiness. Best wishes. I hope it works out well for you.

[preraph]

He doesn't understand what commitment means and isn't ready for commitment. He is just saying he's committed and then doing whatever he wants. It has nothing to do with his health. Now he knows you'll stay no matter how bad he treats you and how disrespectfully.

[smackie9]

When they have desires beyond the relationship, that means the interest in the relationship is on the decline. I think therapy will bring you much peace with yourself. Best thing you could ever do.

Edited June 17, 2017 by smackie9

[Space Ritual]

My bf [25m] [i am f 26y] (5y relationship, 3y of them we lived together) kissed another girl 6months ago while drunk, he told me after the fact. And now he did it again with another girl, drunk again.

 

OP,

 

I only had to read this to diagnose that your BF is a fool.

 

I agree with MountainGirl that while your Loyalty is admirable, I think it would be better placed on someone that was worthy of such loyalty.

 

That whole "I love you but don't deserve you" crap is just that...crap. What that really means is that he would like to NOT be the one to pull the plug in this relationship so he can justify in his own mind that he tried but you were the one that dumped him. It s quite self serving for him, but it is a path of least resistance that allows him to avoid examining his own behaviors, while he can continue to expand his boundaries and test you each and every time. It's not rocket science, it is just how common immaturity and poor coping skills work.

 

That being said, he is right about one thing. He does NOT deserve someone like you. You are far too kind to him. The best course of action for you right now would be to call his bluff and tell him that he is right.

 

And then say "yes I know you don't deserve me, when can you come and get your stuff at my house?"

 

Please refuse to accept such treatment from those who purport to love you.

[ExpatInItaly]

He feels guilty for hurting you because he knows he doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore. He knows you love him and want him and are devoted, but he also knows his heart isn't really with you any longer and he is worried about how you will handle this. It's not about his health issues; it's because he's not ready/able/willing to commit to just you.

 

After 2 incidents of disloyalty, it's time to call it a day.