Blanco Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 Forgot to mention that to a lot of guys, having their girlfriend/wife blow another guy is way worse than "merely" having sex with him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 If you tell your boyfriend, the next thing you need to do is stop listening to the idiot that you are calling your girlfriend. My guess is your friends were probably all egging you on in your flirting. If by some chance your. Boyfriend does not dump you, the next dumb decision you can make is to go out clubbing again with Therese same girlfriends. That will make him feel great 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 (edited) Thank you everyone for your advice and input. I've come to the realization that I have to tell my BF. It is not fair to him to keep this a secret... That being said...That being said, Yes, I like getting attention from men, and yes I occasionally flirt with other men, but that does not mean that I am looking for anything sexual. That night, everything happened so fast. No I did not want him to come into my room, no I didn't want to have sex with him. I told him as much. Yes, I may have flirted and led him on... I guess I'm a horrible person...but I didn't want anything more. Its just...when he told me to give him oral, I did it because I didn't think he was going to leave, I felt bad for leading him on.. I dunno... I dunno why I did it. Some of you have mentioned sexual assault.. While I did say no to intercourse, I guess I didn't say no to oral...even though I didn't want to. So ultimately it is my fault this happened to me. I'm having difficulty coping. I am very depressed and just bareley keeping it together when I'm with my BF. Im also terrified of going to the clinic. We've had sex several times since I returned and I would hate myself enough more If I gave him something.... I will tell him soon, he will be crushed, then he will leave me. I dreamt about marriage and kids and a family with this man.. now ive gone and messed it up. Im 22, I guess that still leaves me with enough time to find someone else who loves me... hopefully I don't mess that up too. Going forward, you need to develop better boundaries. In particular, you need to realize that situations such as these will come up again, and it is on you to say no. (Just as it would be on a man in a relationship to say no to another woman's advances.) I'm not justifying sexual assault by any means. But you still cheated. You needed to say no, to him going to your room and putting yourself in such a compromising position in the first place, and then as you didn't with him in your room, you still needed to say no to having sex with him. You didn't do any of these things. You said yes to both. Maybe it was out of guilt or whatever, but you still said yes. Going forward don't do this anymore. Meanwhile you need to tell your boyfriend what happened. The longer you wait the worse it will be. Edited June 19, 2017 by Imajerk17 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 Thank you everyone for your advice and input. I've come to the realization that I have to tell my BF. It is not fair to him to keep this a secret... That being said...That being said, Yes, I like getting attention from men, and yes I occasionally flirt with other men, but that does not mean that I am looking for anything sexual. You need to figure out why you need so much additional male attention when you are involved in a relationship. Maybe stay single and free until you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 Exactly. Look, as someone who's in a relationship, even letting this guy accompany you back to your room was a questionable thing to do. Unless you're completely naive, you understood why this guy was making such an offer. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
niji Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 (edited) How people manage to encourage this girl to pass it off as "sexual assault" is beyond me. It was peer pressure, sure, but it was not sexual assault. When my friends pressured me into drinking and I drank, that was me giving in to peer pressure, that wasn't them assaulting me. He put her hand on his penis. OK. Did he manage to inject a neuromuscular blocker into her arm to paralyze it? Was she able to move her arm to SLAP him instead of um, leaving it there, and then proceeded to give him oral sex? Did he hold a gun to her head and tell her to do it, otherwise her head will be blown by a Kalashnikov? I didn't see any of this in the post. - I have a boyfriend, so we can't have sex and you need to leave. - No, you led me on and now I need to get off. Now perform oral sex on me. - OK... This is sexual asault??? Imagine the exact scenario, but the gender is reversed. - I have a girlfriend, so we can't have sex and you need to leave. - No, you led me on and now I need to get off. Now insert your penis in my vagina. - OK... Would this also be sexual assault?? We all know alcohol impairs judgment, this much is correct. However, that does not mean a female can get drunk and pass anything she does while being drunk as "sexual assault". Did someone hold a gun to your head forcing alcohol down your throat? You drank BY CHOICE. You performed oral sex BY CHOICE. So while alcohol impaired your judgment, everything you did was YOUR CHOICE. And I commend you for accepting that you did it by choice. We cannot become better human beings by blaming others - we do by looking inward and see how we can improve upon our mistakes. As females, we achieve equal rights and respect from men by owning our action and viewing us as their equals, not pulling the "poor me" stunt every time we make a poor decision. There's nothing less empowering than blaming it on sexual assault every time you willingly engage in a sexual act with a male. In another thread, a female was having sex with her male friend while drunk, and a commenter said, "since she was drunk, her vagina fell over onto his penis, and they had sex by accident. They were both drunk so it was sexual assault, he raped her and she raped him". The overwhelming sarcasm made me laugh, but it's so true. Yes, you need to tell him. You're young and have time to learn healthy boundaries. Flirting with the opposite sex, in most circumstances, is the straight road to disaster. The only people that I can imagine can do it while remaining faithful to their spouse are those with years of sexual and relationship experience. Not for a girl in her early twenties. This sounds like sexual assault to me. You were drunk, said no, asked him to leave, and he pressured you into the act. You were left in tears. Now I know that next time I'm involved in a poor decision, just cry afterwards. It'll solve the problem and I'll automatically be a victim. Please be fair to real sexual assault victims. This girl flirted with the guy the whole day and led him to her room for goodness sake. You could argue the whole day about how even if a female does all these things, it does not give a man the right to have sex with her, and that's true. But he sure can have the expectation of it. Now, he did a little pressuring, and she gave in to it. There was no threat or violence involved as far as we could see. What makes it sexual assault then? Edited June 19, 2017 by niji 6 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 I'm going to lose my vagina hat and feminist card for this but... No, you were not assaulted. You cheated. You made poor choices, had no boundaries, and cheated. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 Now, he did a little pressuring, and she gave in to it. There was no threat or violence involved as far as we could see. What makes it sexual assault then? From my perspective, I guess I consider it sexual assault because, if the way she tells the story is true, I think she really WOULD have been raped if she'd firmly said no and pushed him away. Maybe she felt that, too, and it's why she gave him a BJ....it's the sense I got from reading the story. Maybe we can at least agree that sexual assault occurs on a continuum. I consider myself to have been raped once because on a first date with someone I had zero recollection of the act and think I was drugged. I didn't find out until 2 weeks later when he told me we'd had sex that night and he thought that I was "playing dumb" the next morning when I asked him what happened and he said nothing.....I never saw him again after that because I felt so violated, but I was drinking that night, willingly on a date with him and even stayed over so I didn't have to drive home intoxicated. I did NOT consent to sex though, but some would say it was not assault because I was "leading him on" (that, and I don't remember it). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 To get out of such a situation: Excuse yourself to freshen up....Lock yourself in the bathroom with your phone, then through the door tell him to leave and that you are calling the police. If he doesn't leave call 911 to have him removed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 Please tell him before you have sex with him again. Tell him that you gave away what he thought was special between the two of you. It is not so special anymore. but you do need to tell him so he can get tested for stds. That would really be cruel to cheat on him, lie to him, by not telling him that you are not a safe sexual partner and to give him stds. How would you feel if while you were gone, he had an A and gave you stds? Wouldn't that make you angry? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trailwolf Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 im sure glad your not my girlfriend ! Link to post Share on other sites
tough love Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 Please tell him before you have sex with him again. Tell him that you gave away what he thought was special between the two of you. It is not so special anymore. but you do need to tell him so he can get tested for stds. That would really be cruel to cheat on him, lie to him, by not telling him that you are not a safe sexual partner and to give him stds. How would you feel if while you were gone, he had an A and gave you stds? Wouldn't that make you angry? Very well put IMHO! Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 From my perspective, I guess I consider it sexual assault because, if the way she tells the story is true, I think she really WOULD have been raped if she'd firmly said no and pushed him away. Maybe she felt that, too, and it's why she gave him a BJ....it's the sense I got from reading the story. Maybe we can at least agree that sexual assault occurs on a continuum. I consider myself to have been raped once because on a first date with someone I had zero recollection of the act and think I was drugged. I didn't find out until 2 weeks later when he told me we'd had sex that night and he thought that I was "playing dumb" the next morning when I asked him what happened and he said nothing.....I never saw him again after that because I felt so violated, but I was drinking that night, willingly on a date with him and even stayed over so I didn't have to drive home intoxicated. I did NOT consent to sex though, but some would say it was not assault because I was "leading him on" (that, and I don't remember it). 1. The law does not look at "what might have happened if." 2. being drugged is completely different than "He said I led him on and maybe he was right so I gave him oral sex" Look, I'm a survivor of assault. I get it. But this was not assault. This was poor boundaries combined with a jerk. It's unfortunate, but it's not an excuse for cheating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 1. The law does not look at "what might have happened if." 2. being drugged is completely different than "He said I led him on and maybe he was right so I gave him oral sex" Look, I'm a survivor of assault. I get it. But this was not assault. This was poor boundaries combined with a jerk. It's unfortunate, but it's not an excuse for cheating. Oh I'm not saying it's an excuse for her behavior at all. My point was just that BOTH things could have been happening here. Legally speaking, she'd obviously have no grounds for criminal prosecution. Still, I think there was at the very LEAST some severe intimidation going on here if what she says happened did, and that is still not right on the part of the male in this story. Just my opinion . Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 My point of view....OP is rehearsing her story to the public to see if this version could pass for forgiveness. Playing the victim, only taking accountability for the flirting, making like she had no choice, etc. What probably happened....had too much fun, got too intoxicated and before she knows it, it's happening, and wakes up the next day naked....once the fog lifted it was clear she let things get out of hand. Hey I have been there....once. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 Thank you everyone for your advice and input. I've come to the realization that I have to tell my BF. It is not fair to him to keep this a secret... That being said...That being said, Yes, I like getting attention from men, and yes I occasionally flirt with other men, but that does not mean that I am looking for anything sexual. That night, everything happened so fast. No I did not want him to come into my room, no I didn't want to have sex with him. I told him as much. Yes, I may have flirted and led him on... I guess I'm a horrible person...but I didn't want anything more. Its just...when he told me to give him oral, I did it because I didn't think he was going to leave, I felt bad for leading him on.. I dunno... I dunno why I did it. Some of you have mentioned sexual assault.. While I did say no to intercourse, I guess I didn't say no to oral...even though I didn't want to. So ultimately it is my fault this happened to me. I'm having difficulty coping. I am very depressed and just bareley keeping it together when I'm with my BF. Im also terrified of going to the clinic. We've had sex several times since I returned and I would hate myself enough more If I gave him something.... I will tell him soon, he will be crushed, then he will leave me. I dreamt about marriage and kids and a family with this man.. now ive gone and messed it up. Im 22, I guess that still leaves me with enough time to find someone else who loves me... hopefully I don't mess that up too. OP, You are not a horrible person. You are a human who just did a bad thing. Even though many here at LS, especially myself have a "Burn The Witches" mentality toward infidelity, I don't think what you did qualifies as being a "Horrible Person". Stalin and Pol Pot were examples of a "Horrible Person". You do not fall into that category. What i think the best piece of advice any of us can give you going forward is that you actually have a chance to have some iota of redemption by being honest with your boyfriend right now. I know you are scared, but you need to let go of the outcome. This is just a situation that if you continue to attempt to control the outcome, it will eat you up inside and it will come out much worse than you can ever imagine. Read around here in these subforums, on threads where someone has a big secret and they get advice to not tell...more often than not it comes out anyway. And in those instances where it does usually it comes out at the most inopportune time and adds a lot of needless drama and heartache. In doing so, even if this current relationship goes tits up, you have now had an experience that was upsetting to you enough that you will always remember it. Thus, you may think twice in the future about putting yourself in such a position. This actually is a pretty teachable moment for you in that you need to assume that when you go to Vegas, or anywhere else for a girl's weekend, you can have a good time and not feel like you need or flirt or seek attention. This is also a teachable moment for you in that knowing now how you feel on top of the unintended consequences for your actions by exposing your boyfriend to an STD, you can learn from this moment forward that it is hard, but very possible to lead an honest life. Just remember that you are not a horrible person, you are simply human. And we screw up a lot, but it is only when we learn from our screwups that we can grow as a safe person to be around. Good Luck 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Bastile Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 My point of view....OP is rehearsing her story to the public to see if this version could pass for forgiveness. Playing the victim, only taking accountability for the flirting, making like she had no choice, etc. I was thinking the exact same thing. This is seeing how much she can push it, and how much she can get away with before going to the boyfriend. What probably happened....had too much fun, got too intoxicated and before she knows it, it's happening, and wakes up the next day naked....once the fog lifted it was clear she let things get out of hand. Hey I have been there....once. It's quite simple really. She either welcomed the approach, is leaving things out, and is complicit (the judgement which I would veer towards, because I wasn't born yesterday). Or, she is so unbelievably naive to the workings of the world that you can't trust her to maintain her boundaries by herself for a day without giving someone oral sex. Not someone you can take seriously as a partner either way. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 you need to work on your boundaries for the next BF. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 (edited) If your not mature enough to be faithful what makes you think your mature enough to be in a committed relationship? I hate seeing those Vegas commercials, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." Bullsh*t, stuff like this is life changing. If your stupid enough to flirt and allow a strange man into your hotel room, well, you know the rest because look at your life now. There is only one right way to fix this and that's by being honest. Tell him the truth now, the longer it takes to confess the less the confession will mean. Find yourself an independent counsellor, find out why you need validation from so many men otherwise no relationship will ever be good enough for you. The key thing in a committed relationship is trust, you each are secure with the knowledge that even though you are not there your partner has your back. Oral Sex is "Sex" and you could have stopped this from happening a hundred times but didn't, your choice, you own it. Stop with the girl getaways. Tell him the truth and work on yourself, your respect for boundaries suck, no pun intended. Edited June 21, 2017 by aliveagain Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 You may try to use "alcohol" as an excuse, however, this man did not force himself on you. He did, perhaps, attempt to coerce you but that is not forcing. Drunk or not, you willingly gave him oral sex. Your problem is not only alcohol, you have very poor boundary establishment/enforcement issues. My best friend tells me to keep this a secret because if he found out it would ruin any potential future we have. -- Your friend is wrong. What you will be doing is building a future built on sand . . . the guilt will come out in ways you don't even realize and will erode the relationship over time. I didn't really cheat because it wasn't real sex -- Is this guy related to Bill Clinton????? Paleeze. If you put your mouth on someone's genitals who isn't your committed partner, you are breaking the bond of intimacy. I'm sorry, but everything you're feeling is deserved and you need to sit with that an experience all of it. Then you need to consider your boyfriend and consider the possibility that you are bringing an STD to him. He deserves to know if he's at risk for anything. Accepting ownership for one's actions and accepting the consequences for them is the beginning of the road to learning from those mistakes and feeling that pain should prevent you from ever doing something like that again. Mature adults, make mistakes and then they own them, process them, learn from them and become better people with insight and forethought for consequences and how what they do can affect others. But, this is not a "mistake" unless you tripped on something and accidentally fell on his penis with your mouth. You can kid yourself and try to fool others by doing what lot's of women do when they do something they know is wrong and spin the situation to blame the man and alcohol when you talk to your boyfriend. But, if you want even the remote possibility of re-building that relationship, you need to tell him what you did, without any excuses and ask for his forgiveness but be prepared to let him go. You need to apologize, acknowledge how this hurts him and take steps to demonstrate your sincerity, starting with, not drinking alcohol so that you do not set yourself up for failure. my soulmate -- I very seriously doubt that you're souls are so well bonded if you are even entertaining the attention of other men. To me this suggests that there is something wrong in your relationship anyway. Which is something you really need to evaluate for yourself and him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lericenciel Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 Well, cheating is subjective. If your bf went to Vegas and a girl asked him to use his mouth to make her cum and he did, if he got himself into the same situation, would you tolerate it? If I was your BF my first question would be, "is this woman reliable?" "Can I depend on this person?" "Can I trust this person when my back is turned?" Somehow, it is much worse that you didn't want to cheat but you still did it. You couldn't handle yourself. Don't tell your BF. Use this as a learning experience. Make some lifestyle changes. It's time to grow up, don't you think? Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 Well, cheating is subjective. If your bf went to Vegas and a girl asked him to use his mouth to make her cum and he did, if he got himself into the same situation, would you tolerate it? If I was your BF my first question would be, "is this woman reliable?" "Can I depend on this person?" "Can I trust this person when my back is turned?" Somehow, it is much worse that you didn't want to cheat but you still did it. You couldn't handle yourself. Don't tell your BF. Use this as a learning experience. Make some lifestyle changes. It's time to grow up, don't you think? Growing up means you do not lie to your BF with something as important as this. IF she has GROWN UP she will just break up with her BF or tell him the truth then let him decide what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
lericenciel Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 Yea, they'll definitely break up because of this if she tells him. I don't know if that's what both parties want. Link to post Share on other sites
Superchicken Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 Well, after this second "Slamming" she got, I don't see her coming back. She obviously needed confirmation that she didn't do anything really wrong. But, to many smarties here.. Oh yeah, and maybe a couple of bastards... I still cant get the "Fell into the room". Yet you need to put a key inside the lock, then rotate the handle, then walk in, then close the door, then, then then.. Duh !. Ted. Link to post Share on other sites
funraiser Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 This was a hit and run... she will not confess and for one side I think she is doing what is correct... what we don't know doesn't hurt us... Link to post Share on other sites
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