Don’t devalue yourself by attempting to devalue your partner.

[xenawarriorprincess]

I often hear woman say “I’m the only one that will tolerate him, so he’d better straighten up”, when referring to their husbands, boyfriends, etc. This is troubling because by trying to devalue their partner in suggesting that they are the only woman out there who is willing to deal with them, they are devaluing themselves.

 

If it’s true that there is no one else who will tolerate their man, then these wives are saying “my man has no other options, so I’m his only choice”, which of course means that the “loser” husband didn’t choose his wife/girlfriend based on her worth as a woman (her beauty, intelligence, humor, or overall character), he chose her because she was his last resort because there are (according to her) no other women willing to tolerate him. She is also devaluing herself by admitting openly that she makes poor choices in life because only a person who makes bad choices would chose a “loser” for a husband.

 

I know my worth and my value as a woman. I am attractive, intelligent, funny, kind, a good cook, etc. I know that I have a lot to offer to any man; I am a catch! I also know my husband’s worth. He is handsome, intelligent, witty, hard-working, good in bed, and he takes care of me. Those are all traits that any woman would want in a man, and so I know that he has options, and that is a good thing because I know that he looked at me and appreciated me for my what I am worth and he valued me and he chose me among all the others to share his life with because he knew and honored my value as a woman; I am no one’s last resort. I also know that I am a woman who makes good decisions because I chose a man with good traits.

 

See when you devalue your partner, you are really just devaluing yourself by saying “he has no other options because he is a loser and I am literally his only choice which makes me a last resort for him, and I make poor decisions because I chose a loser to spend my life with.

 

Don’t devalue yourself by attempting to devalue your partner.

[Unforseen]

This is an excellent point and I'm kind of curious what the inspiration for this line of thinking was, if you don't mind sharing.

 

Additionally I'd like to add that these kind of thoughts and statements can be habit forming. It may start out as something to say to excuse bad behavior or even in jest to try to be funny, but it can be habit forming. Thinking degrading and devaluing things like this often enough and it will eventually lead to believing it and acting on it. Following your heart is a bit of a lie. One needs to lead their heart. Leading it with this kind of negativity then becomes somewhat of a self fulfilling prophecy.

[mercy]

See when you devalue your partner, you are really just devaluing yourself by saying “he has no other options because he is a loser and I am literally his only choice which makes me a last resort for him, and I make poor decisions because I chose a loser to spend my life with.

 

Don’t devalue yourself by attempting to devalue your partner.

 

Preach it sista! Treat a person like that and you'll lose them. Then where will you be but alone.

 

I believe there are thousands of women that would love to have my man, he's just that good.

 

When we're out with friends they'll ask, is he really this good at home too, he's ten times better at home, I say.

 

I just love, respect and adore him!

[xenawarriorprincess]

This is an excellent point and I'm kind of curious what the inspiration for this line of thinking was, if you don't mind sharing.

 

Additionally I'd like to add that these kind of thoughts and statements can be habit forming. It may start out as something to say to excuse bad behavior or even in jest to try to be funny, but it can be habit forming. Thinking degrading and devaluing things like this often enough and it will eventually lead to believing it and acting on it. Following your heart is a bit of a lie. One needs to lead their heart. Leading it with this kind of negativity then becomes somewhat of a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

Well Unforseen, I have heard many women say things like this over the years a hundred times ,my co-workers, family members, friends, etc. But one day I got to thinking…..We live in the U.S.A so there’s no arranged marriages here (maybe 0.01% for those who have immigrated), so that means you and you alone chose that guy who is so (according to her) dreadfully awful; which made me think, what does that say about her? A woman who would willingly choose a terrible guy is a woman who chooses poorly, and a woman who would choose a man who has no others options must not value her worth because if he has no options than his ability to choose a woman of value is diminished. We often look outward and focus on the negative things our spouses do or say, but we should really start looking inward to address our own faults. You can only change yourself not your spouse, so if he’s a looser, than maybe you should work on yourself and begin to choose wisely.

[BettyDraper]

I try to have compassion for women who make statements like that.

 

They must be at their wits end and struggling with low self esteem, which may have been reinforced by being treated poorly by their husbands. It's quite common for people to start a relationship as great partners and then slowly start taking their other halves for granted. Maybe the women who say that nobody would tolerate their hubbies were treated well at first and then their men changed? I don't know...just throwing out ideas here.

 

For the most part, my husband is a decent catch. He has his faults like anyone else but he is generally a good hubby. We have both become far better people since falling in love with each other.

[Chardonnay Renée]

I've heard this phrase used many times. My take on it is that it's used to describe a spouse whose behaviour would be unbecoming to anyone outside of the relationship. For example: you wouldn't behave a certain way if you wanted to court somebody new.

 

I would be very surprised if any person said it in the context of unwittingly devaluing themselves. I think most know what they mean when they say it as it's most commonly used as a throwaway line out of frustration.

 

I certainly know that sometimes when my husband is being a real prick, none of my girlfriends would put up with his behaviour. By admitting as much, I hardly feel as though I'm devaluing myself. In fact, empathsing with how my friends would see a scenario helps me better understand where I sit in the context of it all.

 

I think we'd all be lying if we didn't admit that on the odd occasion our spouse has behaved so poorly that many of our friends or even strangers would wonder what we were doing with them.

 

Sometimes I think that most of my friends wouldn't put up with my husband. He can be a real PITA sometimes. But then, I think whether I'd want to be with any of their husbands based on what I'd have to put up with.

 

Bzzzt! While my hubby is far from perfect, and many women wouldn't or couldn't put up with him - in my case it's better the devil you know.

[Woggle]

It's the same with men who always complain about being in the doghouse or that they are henpecked. If that is the case then why are you with her and why do you let her boss you around like that? Actually if their stood their ground and didn't bend to her every whim she would probably be more attracted. Some people men and women like to be martyrs and enjoy it. The women described by the OP in many cases like getting together with their friends and man bashing and their husbands are the easiest targets just like guys seem to have a contest to see who is the most whipped. I have more interesting hobbies myself.