I pushed her to her breaking point and she cheated on me

[mikeylo]

Why would you want to be intimate with someone who is still going around with another guy?

 

First , you have mind images and second, he is STILL there. Give yourself a break.

 

You pushed her to breaking point but she still had a choice !

[wmacbride]

op,

 

I will say this once. YOU DID NOT CAUSE YOUR WIFE TO CHEAT! Stop blaming yourself for someone elses behavior, as you can't control what another adult does.

Your wife cheated because she wanted to, and you know this in your gut. This could be part of why you find it so hard to be intimate with her. Your heart is protecting itself.

 

Along with all of this, she refuses to break things off with her om. It's no wonder you don't want to be intimate with her. That's just plain gross.

 

I am not trying to be flip, and I know you are really hurting and trying to find your way. It does sound like you are working hard on yourself. Keep that up, but not for your wife. Do it for yourself and your children. Be the best dad you can be, and that investment will pay great rewards.

 

btw...see a lawyer asap. I'm not saying this because divorce is inevitable, but because the more knowledge you have, the better decisions you can make.

[sandylee1]

I'm not reading the back story yet, but she had a choice to leave you before having an affair.

 

No way would I tolerate her still being with her OM. I think it makes you look weak and she has no right expecting you to kiss her while she's not committed to the marriage.

[FloatingThroughLife]

Thank you, everyone, from the bottom of my heart. I realize I have not been a great partner, but that doesn't mean I deserve what she has put me through. She is still in contact with the OM and is being sneaky. I do not trust her. I think it's over. I am cutting off all physical contact with her and getting a lawyer to see what my options are. I absolutely hate the thought of losing her, but I fear that time already passed years ago.

 

I am not perfect, but neither is she. We both deserve happiness, even if it means we aren't together.

[BaileyB]

Thank you, everyone, from the bottom of my heart. I realize I have not been a great partner, but that doesn't mean I deserve what she has put me through. She is still in contact with the OM and is being sneaky. I do not trust her. I think it's over. I am cutting off all physical contact with her and getting a lawyer to see what my options are. I absolutely hate the thought of losing her, but I fear that time already passed years ago.

 

I am not perfect, but neither is she. We both deserve happiness, even if it means we aren't together.

 

Indeed. It doesn't seem like she has left you any other choice. It would seem that you have already lost her... Best wishes.

[Just a Guy]

Hi FTL, as BryanP is won't to say "If you don't respect yourself who will"! You can write that in stone. Your last post indicates that you have realized the truth of that statement and are starting to take action accordingly. I think you will do alright. Yes it is painful but you are ensuring that you will be freeing yourself of much pain in the future. Keep at it. Warm wishes.

[usa1ah]

This can not be said enough, you need to respect yourself first.

 

There will be better days that come. Also remember this.

 

Your wife has disconnected with you to the point that she can cheat on you. This has been going on for awhile. That is the reason for her behavior. It is going to look like she doesn't care and go along with the divorce. She can turn really mean towards you during this. Or it will wake her up to what she has done and stir up old feelings that she had when you first got together.

 

Be ready for both and don't give in to either. You are going to want to with the later. You have to wait it out. Those feelings that get stirred up might only be temporary and she will go back to what it is now.

 

Be ready, strong and most of all RESPECT YOURSELF.

[Marc878]

My original post is here if you want back story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/627189-i-pushed-her-her-breaking-point-she-cheated-me

 

The tl;dr is that I am a man-child and my wife got fed up and had an affair.

 

Over the last several weeks I have put things in overdrive. Video game playing is extremely rare, I am spending more constructive time with the kids (like teaching them how to do chores), and I am taking care of 90% of the housework while my wife recovers from a surgery.

 

So here is where we are now... She refuses to completely break it off with the OM, and she is still confused about what she wants (whether or not to divorce me). She has said some really nice things, like I am a good father and I don't deserve any of what she has put me through.

 

OM has her and you are getting breadcrumbs

 

Deep down I really just want to forget the whole thing and convince her that she should be with me. The problem is, I know she doesn't respect me since she didn't do any of the things I asked (break it off with the OM, get an STD test, show me her phone/social accounts, etc.). Every time I think about kissing her, I can't get it out of my head that her lips were on the OM's mouth and she still can't tell me with 100% certainty she wants to stay with me, and it is killing me.

 

Your behavior is enabling her. Cake eaters love weakness

 

Last night I was kissing her goodnight, and I really wanted to give her a longing, lustful kiss, but when I leaned in, I couldn't do it. I gave her a quick peck and left the room. Next thing I know, she's crying. I asked why, and she said she thought I would kiss her in a more passionate way and it really hurt that I didn't. I told her that I wanted to, but every time I think about kissing her, touching her, being loving and caring toward her, I think about her and the OM and I can't get past it. I told her to put herself in my shoes and see how she felt. She seemed to understand, but who knows.

 

Why are you even around her at this time? She stepped out of the marriage. Playing the pick me dance and trying to nice her back always pushes them farther away

 

So now I really don't know what to do... Do I just buckle down and try to swoon her, no matter how much it hurts me? Make her try and fall in love with me again? Or do I just wait for her to come to me? I told her I wouldn't be going anywhere and I will support her in whatever way she needs, but this is so hard.

 

Your actions say "I'm ok with whatever you and your boyfriend want to do with me? Really?

[Whoknew30]

op,

 

I will say this once. YOU DID NOT CAUSE YOUR WIFE TO CHEAT! Stop blaming yourself for someone elses behavior, as you can't control what another adult does.

Your wife cheated because she wanted to, and you know this in your gut. This could be part of why you find it so hard to be intimate with her. Your heart is protecting itself.

 

Along with all of this, she refuses to break things off with her om. It's no wonder you don't want to be intimate with her. That's just plain gross.

 

I am not trying to be flip, and I know you are really hurting and trying to find your way. It does sound like you are working hard on yourself. Keep that up, but not for your wife. Do it for yourself and your children. Be the best dad you can be, and that investment will pay great rewards.

 

btw...see a lawyer asap. I'm not saying this because divorce is inevitable, but because the more knowledge you have, the better decisions you can make.

 

 

Sometimes a WS has been pushed to the limit of not caring about their marriage anymore by their BS...now is it a healthy way to handle a unhappy marriage, absolutely not but in some marriages a BS has to own the break down of the marriage. Which he's doing & that's not a bad thing! Actually it's refreshing to finally read a BS that understands he has been very much part of the problem. Affairs are the symptom of a bigger issues going on.

 

OP...it's awesome for reconciliation that you're owning that the break down of the marriage is partly your fault but that doesn't mean you should be treated like a doormat...she needs to respect you & right now she doesn't. Be the man you want her to respect. You need to tell her "as long as your still seeing this man, we're going to have to start separation proceedings". Only two things can happen, she stops & you two can work towards reconciliation or it's over...either way you won't be stuck in limbo anymore & you can gain your respect back, if not to her at least to yourself. Good luck

[Superchicken]

Well, at least I know where to wipe my feet now.

 

 

Your wife is still cheating, and doesn't want to give it up.

 

 

Honestly, I don't see why others are giving you advice, because you haven't taken it the first time.

So, I'm outa here !.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[FloatingThroughLife]

I came across a great article dealing with a similar situation as yours. Although it’s told from the point of view of the wife, I think you may find it very insightful. If you’d like me to send a link, feel free to PM me. In the meantime, keep fighting for her. I’ll be praying for you.

 

I would like the link but it seems like PMs are only available if you have a subscription?

[Mrs. John Adams]

pm is available to members who have been here a month and have 50 posts or by buying a subscription.

[Jersey born raised]

Wait I thought you did things like scouts and athletics? Yes you need to own your own issues and one poster directed you to several articles on the art of being manly. Did you read them?

 

Your wife cannot take YOUR children out of state without your permission. Do not allow it!

 

Own what is your's to own and clean up your side of the street, not her's.

 

Oh, that "I thought so until you read me your letter". Lie, big lie she wants to be able to always blame you, not yourself.

[FloatingThroughLife]

I don't know why I did this, but I did some investigation on her last night. She has been going to a friend's house many times a week for the last several months. I thought it was to vent to her friends about me. I decided to look up the work schedule of the OM and found he works nights starting at 11 pm. I did a stake out of the friend's place around 10:30, and sure enough, her and the OM leave the apartment together and she took him to work. I was secretly hoping she broke it off with him to try to work things out with me, but now that I saw it with my own eyes, I don't think I could ever take her back. I am hurt beyond words and just so furious.

[Just a Guy]

Good for you FTL! Now you know exactly what your wife has been up to. Time for you to act. Warm regards.

[aliveagain]

It is now time for the man child to grow up and take control of his life. Don't expect much help from her, she's gone so give her what she wants, talk to a lawyer and file. Read up on the 180 and implement it immediately. Remove her things from your bedroom and place them in another room, you can't nice her back, you can't make her love you and you can't control her, what you can do is take yourself out of infidelity. Find a way to co parent with as little interaction between you as possible. Change your banking, make her affair her financial responsibility. The chances her relationship with him will work out are slim to none. That's not your problem anymore. You didn't push her into the other man's arms, she chose to do that all on her own. You are the only one committed to your marriage, she's already building a nest with O/M, help her pack.

[Marc878]

I don't know why I did this, but I did some investigation on her last night. She has been going to a friend's house many times a week for the last several months. I thought it was to vent to her friends about me. I decided to look up the work schedule of the OM and found he works nights starting at 11 pm. I did a stake out of the friend's place around 10:30, and sure enough, her and the OM leave the apartment together and she took him to work. I was secretly hoping she broke it off with him to try to work things out with me, but now that I saw it with my own eyes, I don't think I could ever take her back. I am hurt beyond words and just so furious.

 

This shouldn't surprise you. What did you think was going on? It's a sexual affair and you are doing the "pick me dance".

 

Full exposure without warning and file. All you've done is talk. No actions whatsoever.

 

Your denial has kept you where you are. No marriage can be worked on or survive an active affair.

 

Continue your current path of talking but not taking action and you'll get more of what you've been getting.

 

Apply the full 180!!!! Immediately

 

No engagement. Text or email only, kids or business, keep that shirt and civil.

 

Wake up!!!!!!!

[Chi townD]

Well, now you know. I think that it's time for you to talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. You need to document how often she's leave you and the kids to go to this guys apartment.

 

DO NOT tell her you are seeing a lawyer, just go and talk to a few. If you are decided on a divorce, do not tell her that she is being served, just let her get served. DO not give her any opportunity to prepare. Catch her off guard. Get her back on her heels.

 

And you need to be the best father you can be to those kids because they are going to need at least one parent. Because once you serve her, a couple of things could happen. Either she'll get hit with a dose of reality and want to work things out, or she'll go bat sh*t crazy and think that the divorce papers automatically make her single and she'll just use the home as a locker room to come home and change and then take off to be with the OM.

[Imajerk17]

I don't know why I did this, but I did some investigation on her last night. She has been going to a friend's house many times a week for the last several months. I thought it was to vent to her friends about me. I decided to look up the work schedule of the OM and found he works nights starting at 11 pm. I did a stake out of the friend's place around 10:30, and sure enough, her and the OM leave the apartment together and she took him to work. I was secretly hoping she broke it off with him to try to work things out with me, but now that I saw it with my own eyes, I don't think I could ever take her back. I am hurt beyond words and just so furious.

 

Time to start filing. (Actually the time to start filing was a while ago but better late than never.)

 

She may be sorry, she may feel bad for what she is doing, she might even feel horrible for the pain you are going through and say that you don't deserve this, but right now she just pities you. She isn't attracted to you, she doesn't honour you, she hardly even respects you, and doing the Pick Me Dance will only make it worse.

 

Also, maybe it's once a cheater always a cheater. Isn't that how she got with you in the first place, cheating on a long-term boyfriend at the time? Maybe she doesn't feel so bad after all and cheating is just the way she exits relationships.

Edited July 10, 2017 by Imajerk17

[FloatingThroughLife]

The kids are with grandma all week. I told her after work I'm going to see a movie alone, something I have never once done in my life. She asked why she wasn't invited. I just said "You wouldn't like it" (in retrospect I should have said I want to be alone, but whatever). She also asked if I wanted to "talk" this week. I said I don't know (should have said No). She's pretty livid. I sent her a text and said it hurts too much to be around her so she won't see me much while kids are gone all week. Hopefully that's doing the 180 the right way. I'm new to this and still feeling absolute betrayal and emotionally drained today.

 

I bet she's driving to OM's right this moment...

Edited July 10, 2017 by FloatingThroughLife

[usa1ah]

The kids are with grandma all week. I told her after work I'm going to see a movie alone, something I have never once done in my life. She asked why she wasn't invited. I just said "You wouldn't like it" (in retrospect I should have said I want to be alone, but whatever). She also asked if I wanted to "talk" this week. I said I don't know (should have said No). She's pretty livid. I sent her a text and said it hurts too much to be around her so she won't see me much while kids are gone all week. Hopefully that's doing the 180 the right way. I'm new to this and still feeling absolute betrayal and emotionally drained today.

 

I bet she's driving to OM's right this moment...

 

Just tell her that you want nothing to do with her any more.

That you know she is with the OM and she has made her choice.

Tell her she could have at least divorce you first before she started another man. Tell her the only time the two of you need to talk is about the kids other then that she can off.

 

Then stop talking to her except about the kids.

[kgcolonel]

Just tell her that you want nothing to do with her any more.

That you know she is with the OM and she has made her choice.

Tell her she could have at least divorce you first before she started another man. Tell her the only time the two of you need to talk is about the kids other then that she can off.

 

Then stop talking to her except about the kids.

 

I agree with this....I would tell her that you hope the OM is what she's looking for. You know she's been going to see him and that was the last straw....good luck and have a good time......

[Marc878]

The kids are with grandma all week. I told her after work I'm going to see a movie alone, something I have never once done in my life. She asked why she wasn't invited. I just said "You wouldn't like it" (in retrospect I should have said I want to be alone, but whatever). She also asked if I wanted to "talk" this week. I said I don't know (should have said No). She's pretty livid. I sent her a text and said it hurts too much to be around her so she won't see me much while kids are gone all week. Hopefully that's doing the 180 the right way. I'm new to this and still feeling absolute betrayal and emotionally drained today.

 

I bet she's driving to OM's right this moment...

 

Probably and you are still keeping yourself in limbo hell. Pining away for her gets you what?

 

If it's not kid related you shouldn't be communicating at all.

 

At this time you are doing yourself more harm than she is but you continue to do nothing. You need to get some help for your codependentcy.

[Mr Blunt]

Originally Posted by FloatingThroughLife

I think she'd be better off with this other man, and have full custody of the kids, and maybe I can see them every other weekend and a month or two in the summer

 

I'm weak. I'm selfish. I don't deserve her. I just want her to be happy, even if it's not with me.

 

I know she doesn't respect me since she didn't do any of the things I asked (break it off with the OM, get an STD test, show me her phone/social accounts, etc.).

 

For goodness sake man… get some professional help and any other help so that you can start having a lot more self-esteem!!!

 

I know that you are a man-child but you are heading towards 40 years old and the world is not going to change. You are going to have to get yourself in a much better shape as you have no respect for yourself. Start changing so that you can feel good about yourself because you are either going to become a total door mat and will be of no use to yourself or your children or you are going to use this crises to make changes for yourself and get better so you can have a much better life…In this situation you cannot just stand still and do nothing if you want to get better…STOP telling yourself and us that you are selfish and weak because that does nothing but put you down more…Get your AZZ in motion and make a plan to get stronger and then DO IT!!!!!!.....It comes down to get stronger or be a pitiful dish rag; no other choices are available for you.

 

I know that you are so very co-dependent on your betraying wife but just know that she is very detrimental to you becoming better. You have shown that you will compromise your self-respect in order to try and hold on (beg?) to a woman that will betray you and her children so that her ego and sexual feeling can get a spike. This is not the first time she has cheated.

 

You are a lot more valuable than you think. You are faithful and a good father and that alone makes you a valuable man!!

[merrmeade]

This has been the most frustrating thread to read because of your completely muddled perceptions that you are to blame for everything. Even look at the title.

 

I even wondered if you were a troll at one point! I thought nobody is that consistently self-deprecating and accepting of such entitlement and abuse. Think about it a minute: The night you wrote her the letter and, for once, actually got mad, she left irate and fed up. What? And when she came back you accepted her right to put all of the blame on you. And now you know that all the time she was lying and maybe even went to the OM's house that night.

 

So two main things stand out for me:

 

1- You're not to blame, and she's not the victim.

I haven't read your other thread and I'

m

not going to. I've heard more than enough of the notion that SHE can blame you and you accept it. You did plenty of things right.

 

2- Sounds to me like YOU are the more important parent for your kids.

Having fun with your kids and seeing them happy is doing something right. Ignoring them and being a martyr to housework is not

. You played with them. You took them to extracurriculars. You do not give the reason why she did not spend quality time with them except for her compulsiveness to clean. What's important for kids besides clean houses? - spending time with them, showing that they are important by taking them to activities and generally joining them in their world lmeans you will be the one who makes an impact on them and are part of their emotional development.

... We got married and now have two children that make me smile every day.

You show them how important they are to you by giving them your time.

 

The early years of their development were incredibly challenging. It took a lot of commitment from both of us, as any parent would know. I felt like I gave it my all, and so did she.

 

When the kids got older, I felt like I was doing all the kid stuff, and she was doing all the house stuff. I felt like she cared more about having a clean floor than going to our kid's scout meetings or choir practice.

and I agree with you!

This continued for a long time. She never had time for anything. She went to work, then she came home and did house work. There was never any time for fun.

and why was that a reflection only on you? Why did she think it was OK to do housework and not spend time with her kids? She's the one that made the choice not to join them in play during their childhood, which is when you have the most influence on them.

 

I'm not saying that it was OK to spend 16 hours on Saturday doing video games. It's obvious you should've been out, but why did she think she had no choice? Why did she think the housework was more important? And why did she had to be the one to solve the problem of getting it done?

 

yes, and again I agree with you. And your reaction then This was never a problem until the kids were old enough to start doing "fun" things that they could appreciate, like scouts, choir, video games, board games, whatever.

 

This was a point of contention between my wife and I for a long time. I resented her for choosing the house upkeep over us.

Damn straight

 

She found someone else to love her the way she deserves.

Why is it ALWAYS your fault?

 

I think she'd be better off with this other man, and have full custody of the kids, and maybe I can see them every other weekend and a month or two in the summer. She should move back across the country where she has family support. She hates that she is away from her family,

This was more "all about me" from her. Why should she have custody?

 

I'm afraid the kids will hate her for ripping them from me and moving,

This is really the ultimate displacement of feelings. Now let me get this straight: You are worried that they will hate her for not being with you. I don't see why it has to be explained how backwards and fkd up this thinking is

 

... but I think in the end it will be for the best. It will destroy me--seeing pictures of my kids with a new dad, a new family, and a new life that doesn't have me in it.

 

You said, "She has already told me she would do a better job raising the kids on her own." And you agree? Maybe you didn't show it but it looks to me like she abdicated that position a long time ago.

Edited July 11, 2017 by merrmeade