I pushed her to her breaking point and she cheated on me

[FloatingThroughLife]

She just sent me this text...

 

I need to talk to you about things tonight. I have errands to run and want to spend a little time with my dad too. But I want to have a conversation about us. About our future. Not the past. Not the house. We need to talk tonight because kids will be home & then the trip. I don't want to go away without settling some things. I want to have something & someone to come home to.

 

I don't know what this means and now I'm freaking out.

[QuietDan]

Can you help me understand why I shouldn't just tell everyone? Isn't this the only way I can show that I am the victim in this, and the only way that she might actually stop having the affair?

Not the right play for your situstion...

You need to recalibrate your thinking.

Stop playing the weak victim.

It ain't working for you. Poor me, pity, guilt, and drama queen is going to be a major turn off. There is a good chance you will end up loosing what little respect she may have left for you. The other man will look a lot more attractive.

She screwed up. If she wants another chance at saving the relationship, she better get her act together in a hurry and start to prove to you starting today that she can prove to you she deserves another chance. If she isn't willing to do whatever it takes to prove to you she really does love you, let her know it's over, time to pack up, have her move to a different room, file for divorce, show her you are a grown man and you won't tolerate her behavior.

Be respectful, be in control, be strong, act like a man...

[Marc878]

She just sent me this text...

 

I need to talk to you about things tonight. I have errands to run and want to spend a little time with my dad too. But I want to have a conversation about us. About our future. Not the past. Not the house. We need to talk tonight because kids will be home & then the trip. I don't want to go away without settling some things. I want to have something & someone to come home to.

 

I don't know what this means and now I'm freaking out.

 

Sounds like she wants to make sure she still has control over you. Keeping her plan in place.

 

If you were smart you would stay on the 180 and not meet but you won't.

 

When wool you stop being a puppet on a string.

 

Actions not words

[Birdies]

She just sent me this text...

 

I need to talk to you about things tonight. I have errands to run and want to spend a little time with my dad too. But I want to have a conversation about us. About our future. Not the past. Not the house. We need to talk tonight because kids will be home & then the trip. I don't want to go away without settling some things. I want to have something & someone to come home to.

 

I don't know what this means and now I'm freaking out.

 

It sounds like she wants to pin you down on being around waiting for her when she gets back from this trip. How kind of her to fit in a little time around her errands and dad visiting to deign to talk to you about your whole life that she totally fcked up! *sarcasm font*

 

Here what to do. Tell her "I'd love to but I'm otherwise occupied tonight. We will have to talk another time." Then make something up - a social event (leave for a couple hours and go anywhere else), work thing (type away on your computer), etc. Just don't be someone who comes hither whenever she calls! This is a PERFECT chance to implement the 180. She doesn't get to cheat and also be the one who calls all the shots - right??

 

Btw I was a WW too. I can see so clearly how selfish and controlling your wife is. You need to stand up to her and have a backbone or she will never see you as anything but a sap that she can walk all over.

[Superchicken]

.......

 

I don't know what this means and now I'm freaking out.

 

Dude, you need to do a Wesley Snipes, Blade attitude to her.

Stay calm, straight faced, and full eye contact at all times.

OK, well Wesley wore dark sunny's, but still, eye contact.

Stay in control, and never flinch.

Again, if your not happy with what she says, or haven't heard what you need to hear, end the conversation short, and go for a walk. Just up and leave.

 

 

You really need to scare her into realizing your a man, and someone who needs your questions answered.

 

 

Ted.

[FloatingThroughLife]

I would like to extend my sincere thanks to everyone who has commented on my thread and helped me realize how I've been a doormat and have not been getting any respect from my wife. You have also made me realize that I have a lot of growing to do myself.

 

I ended up talking to my wife last night.

 

She apologized to me for what she has put me through. She told me I didn't deserve any of it. She says she doesn't know why she allowed it to happen, but she knows it was wrong. She said that she will end her affair and recommit to our marriage.

 

I told her that I had no trust in anything she says or does right now and didn't know if I could believe that she will truly end her affair. I told her that she has betrayed me and hurt me in the worst possible way you can hurt someone you supposedly "love." I told her that if reconciliation were to ever happen, she would need to truly apologize to me, not just say "I'm sorry" and think that's good enough. She needs to show me that she can work on the marriage together.

 

I am still skeptical but I am hopeful that she is telling the truth.

 

I have ordered the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and will be reading it all next week while my wife is out of town with my daughter.

 

I will learn how to grow up and be a man. I will probably need help from you all with more tough love. I don't even know if anyone in this community will support my decision to take her back after everything that has happened, but I hope that you can respect that it is my decision and help me with my own issues regardless.

 

Thank you.

[Superchicken]

Good on you.

You don't conquer the world in one hit.

Place your battles well, and attack at full strength.

 

 

Don't ever surrender, however, a calculated retreat is allowed.

 

 

In the end, its your life and your decision. We all have these choices to make, and yours is to try again.

You are better than most of us people (That leave and never return).

So, you need to make sure she realizes this, and for now she wont.

 

 

In the end, have your 7th fleet out at all times, and patrol the waters for sharks !.

 

 

Good luck..

 

 

Ted.

[angel.eyes]

I'm glad the two of you have finally made a decision.

 

As part of that, you need to have her commit to:

• Removing the OP from her life. I forget whether they work together, but if they do, she needs to find a new job
  
• Whoever the friend was who was her alibi/cover/apartment provider has to be removed from her life. No more contact with her. She was sabotaging your marriage by facilitating the affair.
  
• You need full transparency from your wife (her whereabouts, her communications with others, her activities)
  
• Marriage counseling
  

 

Basically, she has to show via her actions that she means what she says when she claims she wants to work on her marriage. If she refuses, then it's just more empty words and nothing has changed.

 

I really do hope she is sincere, but only time and her choices will tell.

 

Too many people are quick to run away from their marriage. It won't be easy, but couples who genuinely recommit to their marriages after infidelity often say that their marriage became stronger than it had been before the betrayal. Just understand that it will be a long, hard, tough road.

 

I'm rooting for you.

 

I would like to extend my sincere thanks to everyone who has commented on my thread and helped me realize how I've been a doormat and have not been getting any respect from my wife. You have also made me realize that I have a lot of growing to do myself.

 

I ended up talking to my wife last night.

 

She apologized to me for what she has put me through. She told me I didn't deserve any of it. She says she doesn't know why she allowed it to happen, but she knows it was wrong. She said that she will end her affair and recommit to our marriage.

 

I told her that I had no trust in anything she says or does right now and didn't know if I could believe that she will truly end her affair. I told her that she has betrayed me and hurt me in the worst possible way you can hurt someone you supposedly "love." I told her that if reconciliation were to ever happen, she would need to truly apologize to me, not just say "I'm sorry" and think that's good enough. She needs to show me that she can work on the marriage together.

 

I am still skeptical but I am hopeful that she is telling the truth.

 

I have ordered the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and will be reading it all next week while my wife is out of town with my daughter.

 

I will learn how to grow up and be a man. I will probably need help from you all with more tough love. I don't even know if anyone in this community will support my decision to take her back after everything that has happened, but I hope that you can respect that it is my decision and help me with my own issues regardless.

 

Thank you.

[Marc878]

I would like to extend my sincere thanks to everyone who has commented on my thread and helped me realize how I've been a doormat and have not been getting any respect from my wife. You have also made me realize that I have a lot of growing to do myself.

 

I ended up talking to my wife last night.

 

She apologized to me for what she has put me through. She told me I didn't deserve any of it. She says she doesn't know why she allowed it to happen, but she knows it was wrong. She said that she will end her affair and recommit to our marriage.

 

I told her that I had no trust in anything she says or does right now and didn't know if I could believe that she will truly end her affair. I told her that she has betrayed me and hurt me in the worst possible way you can hurt someone you supposedly "love." I told her that if reconciliation were to ever happen, she would need to truly apologize to me, not just say "I'm sorry" and think that's good enough. She needs to show me that she can work on the marriage together.

 

I am still skeptical but I am hopeful that she is telling the truth.

 

I have ordered the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and will be reading it all next week while my wife is out of town with my daughter.

 

I will learn how to grow up and be a man. I will probably need help from you all with more tough love. I don't even know if anyone in this community will support my decision to take her back after everything that has happened, but I hope that you can respect that it is my decision and help me with my own issues regardless.

 

Thank you.

 

it's a free PDF download

 

Her words are meaningless. Her actions will tell you what you need to know.

 

Never be a doormat. That'll just put you in worse shape.

[Marc878]

So did she admit to a full affair? If you don't have the truth it's a meaningless gesture.

 

For her

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

[FloatingThroughLife]

So did she admit to a full affair? If you don't have the truth it's a meaningless gesture.

 

For her

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

She did not. I know we cannot begin to reconcile unless she tells me everything, and she hasn't done that yet. I don't know if or when she will, but I'm going to have my defensive walls sky high until she does, and I am of the mindset right now that she is not remorseful at all.

 

I have the upperhand at the moment and it will be easy for me to see whether or not she continues the lies after she claims to have broken it off with the OM.

 

Her words to me were sincere about reconciliation, but her actions have been anything but.

 

I'm tired of being a doormat.

[angel.eyes]

I'm curious. How do you have the upper hand?

[FloatingThroughLife]

I have access to her phone and she doesn't know.

[Marc878]

If you lower your boundaries or back of the 180 now you'll lose.

 

Better be fully awake to where you are at this time.

[Marc878]

Remember if they have any contact at all the affair will continue.

 

A man would not have another in his marriage.

 

You don't listen much but the best way to end an affair is exposure. You are so affraid of pushing her away that you can't see she's already gone.

 

Better wake up!!!!

[FloatingThroughLife]

Remember if they have any contact at all the affair will continue.

 

A man would not have another in his marriage.

 

You don't listen much but the best way to end an affair is exposure. You are so affraid of pushing her away that you can't see she's already gone.

 

Better wake up!!!!

 

I asked about exposure and was told it was a bad idea in my situation. I have told my mother and father and one co-worker I trust but that is all. She told me she will break it off with him, but only time will tell.

 

I know that she loves him and I know that she is going to find it difficult to break it off, but she said she will. I will ask her point blank when she is breaking it off, and if there is contact after that, I'll have my true answer of whether or not she is committed to this marriage.

[Marc878]

I asked about exposure and was told it was a bad idea in my situation. I have told my mother and father and one co-worker I trust but that is all. She told me she will break it off with him, but only time will tell.

 

I know that she loves him and I know that she is going to find it difficult to break it off, but she said she will. I will ask her point blank when she is breaking it off, and if there is contact after that, I'll have my true answer of whether or not she is committed to this marriage.

 

My friend all cheaters lie, hide and deny. She hasn't told you the truth yet has she? If the affair doesn't end what do you have to lose with exposure unless you just file?

[QuietDan]

I asked about exposure and was told it was a bad idea in my situation. I have told my mother and father and one co-worker I trust but that is all. She told me she will break it off with him, but only time will tell.

 

I know that she loves him and I know that she is going to find it difficult to break it off, but she said she will. I will ask her point blank when she is breaking it off, and if there is contact after that, I'll have my true answer of whether or not she is committed to this marriage.

You already have your answer, but you aren't there yet. No matter what, you will still find a way to hope and believe,.... You will tell yourself, just maybe... The goal post will move,... A new line in the sand will be drawn... You will say... If she steps over this new line,... You will draw a new line...

Untill she leaves you for the other man... Or... Maybe this one... Maybe the next man....

[Jersey born raised]

Don't forget to focus on working on yourself. There is a poster here who wrote this about her husband whose exWW. I suggest you do the same

 

 

 

Why improve yourself by the new wife of a BS*

 

As a side note I always find it very interesting when a person is hammering their ex mate so hard for cheating and refuses to accept any responsibility for anything that might have been wrong in the marriage.

 

My husband's exwife cheated on him and left him for the OM. She was pregnant by OM before the divorce was final. When I met him he admitted he knew he'd done things in the marriage which left it vulnerable to an affair.*

 

He didn't condone her affair but he accepted responsibility for his part in the demise of their marriage. That was something I had to respect. He worked on himself, in therapy, while they were separated and divorcing. When she wouldn't go to MC, he went alone, and I have reaped the benefit from that counseling. *

 

___________________________________________________________

[FloatingThroughLife]

I do take some of the blame. I'm no longer the pity party or martyr that I was in my original post, but I do accept that I have faults that caused us to be unhappy and for her to find something that our marriage lacked (or I lacked personally).

 

Yes I'm still weak but I am improving myself in ways that are necessary for independence, but that will also help the marriage if we do reconcile.

 

She told me she felt unloved. I said the same thing. We just didn't communicate our needs well. I'm hoping this affair will change that and we can reconcile, but I am not stupid. I can easily see whether or not she will change when she tells me she has implemented no contact. It's just a waiting game to see if I can put my heart back in this marriage or not. Right now it is not and I'm protecting myself. I'm going to be a team and do my duties to the house and kids as a husband and father should, but I am not going to be intimate with my wife or believe anything she says until I can see it for myself.

[Jersey born raised]

STAY IN THE HOUSE NO MATTER WHAT !!!

 

Study the custody laws in your state. Most states first priority is Best Interest of the Child. Stability is important. Try to find a way to buy her out of the house. Keeping the child in the same school and social network is huge plus. Focus on participating in social events with your children.

 

Clean the house and if the kids are old enough encourage them to help. Prepare meals, and have the kids help you. No more dinner bell show up and eat. These type of things are life skills they need to posses as adults.

 

Develop a child care plan to use as a single parent. Guys don't get how important this is. Single mothers do it. Yes it is hard, the stress they carry is immense. Yet they do it.

 

Be Well

[Marc878]

I do take some of the blame. I'm no longer the pity party or martyr that I was in my original post, but I do accept that I have faults that caused us to be unhappy and for her to find something that our marriage lacked (or I lacked personally).

 

Yes I'm still weak but I am improving myself in ways that are necessary for independence, but that will also help the marriage if we do reconcile.

 

She told me she felt unloved. I said the same thing. We just didn't communicate our needs well. I'm hoping this affair will change that and we can reconcile, but I am not stupid. I can easily see whether or not she will change when she tells me she has implemented no contact. It's just a waiting game to see if I can put my heart back in this marriage or not. Right now it is not and I'm protecting myself. I'm going to be a team and do my duties to the house and kids as a husband and father should, but I am not going to be intimate with my wife or believe anything she says until I can see it for myself.

 

Did you cheat on her?

 

See the difference?

[FloatingThroughLife]

STAY IN THE HOUSE NO MATTER WHAT !!!

 

Study the custody laws in your state. Most states first priority is Best Interest of the Child. Stability is important. Try to find a way to buy her out of the house. Keeping the child in the same school and social network is huge plus. Focus on participating in social events with your children.

 

Clean the house and if the kids are old enough encourage them to help. Prepare meals, and have the kids help you. No more dinner bell show up and eat. These type of things are life skills they need to posses as adults.

 

Develop a child care plan to use as a single parent. Guys don't get how important this is. Single mothers do it. Yes it is hard, the stress they carry is immense. Yet they do it.

 

Be Well

 

I have no plans to leave the house. I am going to keep doing what I've been doing and focusing on myself and the kids. She needs to break it off with the OM before I will give her any more of my time. If she does, and she actually commits to no contact, then I can begin the reconciliation--not before then though.

 

Did you cheat on her?

 

See the difference?

 

Yes, absolutely.

[Chi townD]

I do take some of the blame. I'm no longer the pity party or martyr that I was in my original post, but I do accept that I have faults that caused us to be unhappy and for her to find something that our marriage lacked (or I lacked personally).

 

Yes I'm still weak but I am improving myself in ways that are necessary for independence, but that will also help the marriage if we do reconcile.

 

She told me she felt unloved. I said the same thing. We just didn't communicate our needs well. I'm hoping this affair will change that and we can reconcile, but I am not stupid. I can easily see whether or not she will change when she tells me she has implemented no contact. It's just a waiting game to see if I can put my heart back in this marriage or not. Right now it is not and I'm protecting myself. I'm going to be a team and do my duties to the house and kids as a husband and father should, but I am not going to be intimate with my wife or believe anything she says until I can see it for myself.

 

Dude, continue to do the 180. I just got this feeling that her an her affair partner either got into a fight or he's putting her on the back burner. From what you wrote, it sounds like she wasn't really remorseful with her apology and her idea of conciliation is that you just need to go back to the way things were.

 

No dude, you need to realize that she was in the drivers seat when she decided to cheat. That was her choice, that was her decision and that was her behind the wheel. I mean, it even sounded like she was dictating how conversations are going to take place with her. That you will not talk about the past....blah....blah.... She needs to start to realize that YOU are in the drivers seat as far as where this marriage goes. And she's got to realize that there is a strong chance you may kick her to the curb. To me, it just doesn't feel that she's worried at all. That she's going to get everything she wants.

 

So, I would still do a 180 on her.

[FloatingThroughLife]

I think you, Chi townD, and QuietDan are right. She says she's sorry but I still don't think she's the least bit remorseful. I think she only told me about the affair because she wanted a clean conscience. I am going to continue the 180 as best as I can and wait to see what happens. I continue wafting back and forth every day between sorrow, anger, resentment, and love for her. It's very difficult to keep my emotions in check.