I pushed her to her breaking point and she cheated on me

[FloatingThroughLife]

I think she does feel down because nobody is on her side. She's lost most of her friends and nobody on my side of the family will talk to her, and even her family doesn't think she is making the right choice. She thinks that everyone is painting me in a perfect light and blaming her for the divorce, when in her mind, she only had the affair because of the state the marriage was in. I obviously don't buy into any of this because of how she has treated me, and I now see what kind of person she really is, and therefore I have no empathy for her medical ailments or what kind of pain she is going through, whether that be emotional or physical.

[FloatingThroughLife]

I packed up all our wedding photos and memorabilia yesterday and put them in a box. I removed my wedding ring. I am going to give away the stuffed animal she gave me to Goodwill.

 

I spoke with my wife about all this. I told her I was sorry that I was sending her mixed signals, and that I thought I was clear when we last spoke that the divorce is happening. She broke down and said that she feels like I'm 2 different men now. She said the FTL that she knows and loves would have given her a second chance, and this "other" one of me is being told what to say and do by other people (she meant my mother when she said this). The truth is, I finally grew up (thanks to the LS community!) and the man I am now is tired of her crap. I left the conversation after that to go take a shower.

 

While in the shower, she came in the bedroom and smashed a photo frame of my mother on the floor and yelled something like "that's who's responsible!" (I couldn't hear it well because I was rinsing shampoo out of my hair). I thought it was a gunshot--it scared the crap out of me! She also broke a bunch of other picture frames that I had placed where our wedding photos were. They were photos of both her and my family, so I'm not sure it was symbolic, but just pure rage.

 

I left without saying anything to her.

 

When I returned home, there was a photo of her and me on the bed with a note. The note basically said that she thought I could give her one more chance, that she prayed my mixed messages meant something (reconciliation), and that my mother talked me into divorce (she didn't). In her last sentence of the letter, she said I was to blame for the divorce and I threw it all away.

Edited September 3, 2017 by FloatingThroughLife

[BluesPower]

Wow, just WOW...

 

I just thought that my Ex was crazy, maybe it is all of them. She is managing to rewrite history in her alternate reality. It blows me away frankly.

 

In your case she is doing the same thing. It is not bad enough that she has been cheating on you. It is not even bad enough that you really have no idea how many men she has cheated on you will or for how long. Only what you have found out so far, and I assure you that is not all the information.

 

Yet you are the one responsible for the divorce. How silly of her to say that or think you would believe that.

 

You just keep moving forward. When you are done with her, I promise that you are going to feel so much better off.

 

You are going to have a great life...

[sandylee1]

Your wife is not accepting responsibility for her affair. It's not your mother's fault, although I wouldn't want my son to be married to her either.

 

She rather blame everyone else instead of accepting it's on her.

 

Smashing the pic of your mother was out of order...shows her lack of maturity really.

 

She knows deep down that she has herself to blame. Stay strong and don't cave.

[Marc878]

You have no one to R with.

 

Better stay on a hard 180 and move on. You should get a voice activated recorder. She's crazy and may try and file false accusations against you.

 

Do not trust her at this time.

 

Protect yourself

[just got it 55]

I packed up all our wedding photos and memorabilia yesterday and put them in a box. I removed my wedding ring. I am going to give away the stuffed animal she gave me to Goodwill.

 

I spoke with my wife about all this. I told her I was sorry that I was sending her mixed signals, and that I thought I was clear when we last spoke that the divorce is happening. She broke down and said that she feels like I'm 2 different men now. She said the FTL that she knows and loves would have given her a second chance, and this "other" one of me is being told what to say and do by other people (she meant my mother when she said this). The truth is, I finally grew up (thanks to the LS community!) and the man I am now is tired of her crap. I left the conversation after that to go take a shower.

 

While in the shower, she came in the bedroom and smashed a photo frame of my mother on the floor and yelled something like "that's who's responsible!" (I couldn't hear it well because I was rinsing shampoo out of my hair). I thought it was a gunshot--it scared the crap out of me! She also broke a bunch of other picture frames that I had placed where our wedding photos were. They were photos of both her and my family, so I'm not sure it was symbolic, but just pure rage.

 

I left without saying anything to her.

 

When I returned home, there was a photo of her and me on the bed with a note. The note basically said that she thought I could give her one more chance, that she prayed my mixed messages meant something (reconciliation), and that my mother talked me into divorce (she didn't). In her last sentence of the letter, she said I was to blame for the divorce and I threw it all away.

 

OP sorry you are here

 

Just tell her you don't want the blame for the D but will gladly take the credit

 

Glad you came to a decision that is right for you

 

55

[FloatingThroughLife]

She called me tonight and said we still need to talk about "things." I said there's nothing to talk about except the kids and selling the house. She kept pressing and pressing saying she would eventually corner me so I would talk to her. I'm doing the 180 still but she's making it so difficult. She thinks there's a marriage to save still while she has been staying the night at the OM's apartment the last 2 nights (said she was staying at her girlfriend's, yeah right). I didn't say anything other than there's nothing to discuss except the kids and the house. She hung up and then sent me a text calling me a coward. I'm so livid right now.

[whichwayisup]

She called me tonight and said we still need to talk about "things." I said there's nothing to talk about except the kids and selling the house. She kept pressing and pressing saying she would eventually corner me so I would talk to her. I'm doing the 180 still but she's making it so difficult. She thinks there's a marriage to save still while she has been staying the night at the OM's apartment the last 2 nights (said she was staying at her girlfriend's, yeah right). I didn't say anything other than there's nothing to discuss except the kids and the house. She hung up and then sent me a text calling me a coward. I'm so livid right now.

 

Don't react to her games. Ignore her rudeness and selfishness. Focus on being the best father to your kids and helping them through this difficult time rather than blasting her (though she totally deserves it!!)

[road]

She called me tonight and said we still need to talk about "things." I said there's nothing to talk about except the kids and selling the house. She kept pressing and pressing saying she would eventually corner me so I would talk to her. I'm doing the 180 still but she's making it so difficult. She thinks there's a marriage to save still while she has been staying the night at the OM's apartment the last 2 nights (said she was staying at her girlfriend's, yeah right). I didn't say anything other than there's nothing to discuss except the kids and the house. She hung up and then sent me a text calling me a coward. I'm so livid right now.

 

How do you know where she is staying at night?

[FloatingThroughLife]

How do you know where she is staying at night?

 

Via GPS on her phone.

[sandylee1]

Problem solved then. I'm sure she doesn't want to be married to someone she considers to be a coward.

 

I suggest when you have the kids with you, block her.

[road]

Via GPS on her phone.

 

Smart man.

 

Stay smart, do not tell how you know.

[Dark-Farmer]

Wow I'm totally dumbfounded by her actions. How can she possibly think she has a chance to repair anything with one foot out the door and in OM's house!?!?

 

She can't ride the fence ready to bail into plan B if you don't reconcile.

 

She doesn't understand what reconciliation looks like. It must be a 100% commitment. That sort of means not sleeping with the OM

 

Not that it matters it seems you are committed to ending the marriage, and rightfully so. She seem to have more regret on how it panned out to terribly for her than anything else.

[FloatingThroughLife]

I have been taking stuff that is 100% mine out of the house into storage. She woke me up in the middle of the night last night asking me where some of the CDs were, because some of them were hers. I know for a fact that all the ones I took I bought before I met her. Now she says she has a list of things she wants to discuss with me tonight about the kids and "things." I feel physically ill and I am dreading going home tonight. I can't stand looking at her, being in her presence, talking to her. I just want her out of my life ASAP and it's impossible since we have to co-parent. I hate this feeling.

[Marc878]

I have been taking stuff that is 100% mine out of the house into storage. She woke me up in the middle of the night last night asking me where some of the CDs were, because some of them were hers. I know for a fact that all the ones I took I bought before I met her. Now she says she has a list of things she wants to discuss with me tonight about the kids and "things." I feel physically ill and I am dreading going home tonight. I can't stand looking at her, being in her presence, talking to her. I just want her out of my life ASAP and it's impossible since we have to co-parent. I hate this feeling.

 

Nope, you can coparent by texts and email. Pickups/drop offs should be a 5 minute exercise with minimu contact. Never answer a phone call direct. Ignore anything not kid, business or D related.

 

It'll be awkward at first but it'll become normal.

 

The only one who can keep you in limbo is yourself.

[kgcolonel]

I have been taking stuff that is 100% mine out of the house into storage. She woke me up in the middle of the night last night asking me where some of the CDs were, because some of them were hers. I know for a fact that all the ones I took I bought before I met her. Now she says she has a list of things she wants to discuss with me tonight about the kids and "things." I feel physically ill and I am dreading going home tonight. I can't stand looking at her, being in her presence, talking to her. I just want her out of my life ASAP and it's impossible since we have to co-parent. I hate this feeling.

 

Telll her to put it to paper that She lost the right to your presence when she made the decisions that she made. You can handle anything needed through email and text as (for your best interest) it will be good to get it in writing whatever she has to say.

[BluesPower]

Telll her to put it to paper that She lost the right to your presence when she made the decisions that she made. You can handle anything needed through email and text as (for your best interest) it will be good to get it in writing whatever she has to say.

 

KGC is right...

 

Do it by phone. You don't really have to see her about anything.

 

There is no need to have a face to face with her. Let her talk through her lawyer if necessary.

 

YOU do not owe her one once of consideration about anything. She tore the family apart through her own doing. She deserves nothing from you...

[FloatingThroughLife]

We saw a realtor today and got the ball rolling on selling the house. He speculated we could have it sold and have to be out by early November. My wife broke down, saying she wanted one last Christmas in the house. Then she went further, saying she wishes we could just start over, that she thought about just crawling into bed with me one night and hugging me, that she wishes none of this happened.

 

Meanwhile, I was elated. The faster the house sells, the better. I can't wait to get away from this woman.

 

I think reality is sinking in for her that life is about to get really, really terrible and her AP isn't all that and a bag of chips after all. She's going to have to work twice as hard and have far less than what she had when we were together.

 

For a split second, I almost told her that we could have started over if she had done all the right things in June. Then I realized that it didn't matter, so I kept my mouth shut.

[BluesPower]

I am proud of you...

 

I know that you were mixed up in the beginning, but you are just really starting to understand. Kudos.

 

The thing is that they always, most not all, but they always start to realize what they have done when it is far too late.

 

But you know what, the did not stop to think or have any appreciation for you when they were cheating and laughing behind your back with lover boy.

 

No, it was all good before they got caught.

 

My STBXW, had the audacity to tell one of my ex GF's that she still loved me with all her heart. Gag me with a spoon.

 

First of all, don't say that, you never loved me to start with, you stole 26 years of my life, and don't talk to my ex GF's, I mean that is just really weird.

 

She misses the fact that she has to work for a living now, and she won't have me to depend on, it has nothing to do with love at all...

 

You keep being you, you are doing a good job...

[FloatingThroughLife]

BluesPower, your last post is really hitting the mark right now. I came home last night to my wife crying. All she said was "Please talk to me." I said there was nothing to talk about and left the room. Later she asked if I would read something since I won't talk, and I agreed. She wrote the following:

 

Look past the pain and hatred and talk to me.

I know you're shutting me out because you're hurting, but I'm hurting too.

Don't say there's nothing to talk about.

Don't say it's too late.

Don't say you don't care about me.

Why aren't you crying? How can you sleep soundly at night? Did you really not love me for years?

I'm trying to reach out to you but I'm not good at it.

I've been a coward, but you're a coward for not talking to me.

 

I didn't say a word after reading it so she left and went to the guest bedroom for the night.

 

I just don't get it. Why couldn't she do what I asked when I actually wanted to reconcile in June? Why did she continue the affair after telling me about it? Why does she continue to lie to me, even as recently as 2 days ago? Why can't she make me feel safe or like I can trust her?

 

Is what she is doing normal? Is this another one of her manipulation tactics or is she actually reaching out to me?

 

Not that any of it matters anyway. I can't be with her anymore. I will never trust her again. I know she doesn't respect me, and maybe in her twisted mind she really does love me, but I don't know how you can do this to someone you love. This is all just really frustrating to me.

[BluesPower]

BluesPower, your last post is really hitting the mark right now. I came home last night to my wife crying. All she said was "Please talk to me." I said there was nothing to talk about and left the room. Later she asked if I would read something since I won't talk, and I agreed. She wrote the following:

 

Look past the pain and hatred and talk to me.

I know you're shutting me out because you're hurting, but I'm hurting too.

Don't say there's nothing to talk about.

Don't say it's too late.

Don't say you don't care about me.

Why aren't you crying? How can you sleep soundly at night? Did you really not love me for years?

I'm trying to reach out to you but I'm not good at it.

I've been a coward, but you're a coward for not talking to me.

 

I didn't say a word after reading it so she left and went to the guest bedroom for the night.

 

I just don't get it. Why couldn't she do what I asked when I actually wanted to reconcile in June? Why did she continue the affair after telling me about it? Why does she continue to lie to me, even as recently as 2 days ago? Why can't she make me feel safe or like I can trust her?

 

Is what she is doing normal? Is this another one of her manipulation tactics or is she actually reaching out to me?

 

Not that any of it matters anyway. I can't be with her anymore. I will never trust her again. I know she doesn't respect me, and maybe in her twisted mind she really does love me, but I don't know how you can do this to someone you love. This is all just really frustrating to me.

 

Yes it is normal in a way...

 

So I guess the other man dumped her once it got complicated, Is that correct?

 

If that is correct or because you have exposed the affair and she is feeling the heat. And you have exposed the affair, Correct?????

 

So she is realizing what a moron she was, and what she is fixing to lose. It actually has nothing to do with you except that you provided it to her.

 

So since the OM is probably out of the picture, she is back to plan B, or in other words you.

 

You stay the course that you are on. She does not love you and I am not sure she ever did. I gave 26 years of my life to a woman like her, and brother it is not worth it.

 

If you want to see how serious she is about all of it, ask her for a crazy settlement in the divorce and tell he after the divorce you will think about seeing her again. That will give you an indication of where she is at.

 

And lets not forget how much and how long she disrespected you and how she could have cared less when you found out about the affair.

 

Do you think she has really changed her mind about you and how much she loves you now??? I think not.

 

Further, as an aside note. For grown men, getting women is like shooting fish is a barrel these days. You have no idea how limited the market in for good, responsible, men with good earning power.

 

It is really unfair, but the is the way that it is. I am just loving life in a way that I did not know existed.

 

You stay the course, ignore her...

[FloatingThroughLife]

She actually told me about the affair. I didn't know about it until she told me. I still don't really know why she told me and then continued it, but it is what it is.

 

Yes I told everyone about the affair after 2 months of playing the pick me game and realized it was stupid and pointless. We even told the kids we were getting a divorce.

 

I was also wondering if her AP broke up with her, but she's still going to see him, so I don't think so. It's all very strange to me, but I guess it's just her coming to the realization that she actually had it pretty good with me and she will have to work twice as hard now for an even worse living situation (she makes minimum wage).

[Just a Guy]

Hi FTL, once it's all over, done and dusted you can write her a letter or an email and let her know when was the moment you decided that you were done with her. Tell her that till June of this year you had kept a door/ window open for reconciliation but she had slapped you in the face and dumped you for the OM. After that the window of opportunity had closed forever and you had put her out of your mind forever. All her subsequent efforts at getting you to acknowledge her were water on duck's back and a complete waste of your ( and her ) time. Tell her that in any future relationship she should apply the lessons learnt with you in a positive way. Wish her well and tell her this will be the last time she would hear from you. Warm wishes.

[sandylee1]

Amazing how she's turned this into you not loving her.

 

People don't realise what they've got till it's gone.

 

The 180 is so great it moving forward.

 

Keep up the good work.

[Birdies]

BluesPower, your last post is really hitting the mark right now. I came home last night to my wife crying. All she said was "Please talk to me." I said there was nothing to talk about and left the room. Later she asked if I would read something since I won't talk, and I agreed. She wrote the following:

 

Look past the pain and hatred and talk to me.

I know you're shutting me out because you're hurting, but I'm hurting too.

Don't say there's nothing to talk about.

Don't say it's too late.

Don't say you don't care about me.

Why aren't you crying? How can you sleep soundly at night? Did you really not love me for years?

I'm trying to reach out to you but I'm not good at it.

I've been a coward, but you're a coward for not talking to me.

 

I didn't say a word after reading it so she left and went to the guest bedroom for the night.

 

I just don't get it. Why couldn't she do what I asked when I actually wanted to reconcile in June? Why did she continue the affair after telling me about it? Why does she continue to lie to me, even as recently as 2 days ago? Why can't she make me feel safe or like I can trust her?

 

Is what she is doing normal? Is this another one of her manipulation tactics or is she actually reaching out to me?

 

Not that any of it matters anyway. I can't be with her anymore. I will never trust her again. I know she doesn't respect me, and maybe in her twisted mind she really does love me, but I don't know how you can do this to someone you love. This is all just really frustrating to me.

 

I'm sorry buddy. She is FINALLY realizing everything she threw away, and how much she hurt you, and that it's too late to do anything about it. And instead of accepting that it's her fault, she's lashing out at you for it. It is really, really low of her to call YOU a coward. However, for what it's worth, I would guess that this is all coming from a genuine place of pain and guilt on her part. But it does demonstrate that she's not capable of taking on enough blame and responsibility for you to even consider reconciling.

 

Anyway, for what it's worth as a former WW, I think you're doing the right thing. Stay removed and keep going with the 180. She will eventually get over her pity party without your help, and hopefully this suffering will teach her a valuable lesson.