I pushed her to her breaking point and she cheated on me

[BluesPower]

How does she explain that... She is still seeing the OM?

 

I mean how does anyone have the nerve to call you a coward and still be screwing her OM. Sorry bud, but that is just bat sh** crazy.

 

Just like everyone else is saying, stay the course and divorce her.

 

I mean I have heard of some crazy things before, but to still be seeing her OM and give you a hard time, I just cannot wrap my head around that.

 

I really after what I have been through, I can wrap my head around a lot of stuff, but not that.

 

It would be worth it to ask the question of her, "How can you call me a coward and still be screwing your OM? You are acting like you want to get back together and you are still screwing your OM?"

 

I think you should ask her that question and see what she says. I will give you 50$ if you will.

 

Stay the course...

[Dark-Farmer]

How does she explain that... She is still seeing the OM?

 

 

I know it will tilt your hand, but the games pretty much done. I'd do this too.

She playing you still and I would want her to know that you know shes playing games still.

 

Tell her if she wanted to talk about you, her and your marriage she would be 100% in. Show/tell her your evidence and say you can't be all in if you stay at the OM's house and lie to me about it. Tell her she is 10% in at best so it's over. The window has shut, that you won't be plan B.

 

FTL Take some serous solace in knowing someone playing both sides like this can't be motivated to reconcile based on love alone. This is a financial/lifestyle change decision. And at this point there is no point in settling for that. You're well on your way don't swim 3/4's the way back across this ocean.

Edited September 26, 2017 by Dark-Farmer

[usa1ah]

She actually told me about the affair. I didn't know about it until she told me. I still don't really know why she told me and then continued it, but it is what it is.

 

Yes I told everyone about the affair after 2 months of playing the pick me game and realized it was stupid and pointless. We even told the kids we were getting a divorce.

 

I was also wondering if her AP broke up with her, but she's still going to see him, so I don't think so. It's all very strange to me, but I guess it's just her coming to the realization that she actually had it pretty good with me and she will have to work twice as hard now for an even worse living situation (she makes minimum wage).

 

I would reply in kind to the letter with a letter.

 

Be honest and to the point.

 

Yes I loved you but your actions have turned it to ash.

 

Why would I talk about anything when you are still seeing the other man. Your actions have made it clear there is nothing to talk about between us. If you wanted this marriage you would have never cheated.

 

If we need to talk about the welfare of the kids I am available anytime.

[merrmeade]

I'm so impressed with how far you've come, FTL, and have rarely seen a poster change so much. I'm also impressed with LS posters who nudged, poked and redirected, sticking with you from the beginning. It really works.

 

YOU CAME FROM THIS:

...Everything I've been reading over the last few days seems to place all blame on the cheater, but I deserved it. My wife is a good person.

 

...I took her for granted all these years, and she finally had enough. She found someone else to love her the way she deserves.

 

I have a nearly impossible task ahead of me--to be a man I have never been.

 

I think she'd be better off with this other man, and have full custody of the kids, and maybe I can see them every other weekend and a month or two in the summer.

 

I'm afraid the kids will hate her for ripping them from me and moving, but I think in the end it will be for the best.

 

I'm weak. I'm selfish. I don't deserve her. I just want her to be happy, even if it's not with me.

TO THIS:

I am not the same man that made the original post in this thread. I have changed, and my wife has noticed. She has told me how appreciative she is of how I've changed. I hate the title of this post.

 

...she has done nothing but talk. She shows no REAL regret for what she did, she keeps saying she wishes I would have changed years ago and supported her. She has no respect for me. She refuses to understand...

You got top-notch LS treatment that worked because you were open to it. You weren't exactly a quick study but you were definitely an extreme makeover - from completely devaluing yourself and extolling your partner's non-existent virtues to protecting yourself and seeing through her ploys. Good job and don't stop.

 

In the end, I hope you'll continue to value yourself first. Here's how another BS who wised up well and soon summarized what you have to do:

 

So

to all who are going through this Hell, let me tell you to always think about yourself first...keep your dignity...and don't fall into trap that it is your fault.

So

...stay strong and years after your situation has been resolved, it is my hope that you will feel you stayed true to yourself and whatever the outcome, you feel peace in your [soul].

[Darren Steez]

but I guess it's just her coming to the realization that she actually had it pretty good with me and she will have to work twice as hard now for an even worse living situation (she makes minimum wage).

 

Wrong.

 

That letter was full of sh*t.

 

All the I'm hurting too, where is your love, don't say there is nothing to talk about blah blah, was she hurting when she was having the affair, carrying on in your face? Yes she had it pretty good with you because she can do this, write some schlock letter and illicit a response from you. Who knows what's going on with the OM, don't assume he's dumped her, maybe it's just he won't put up with her nonsense, she's seen that and is trying to come back to you or maybe she's seen you're moving on and the drug of playing men off each other has worn off because surely you moving on is the best scenerio for her right?

 

Stop trying to understand crazy, keep moving forward and if you're truly love's dream she'll bend over backwards for the next couple of years trying to win you back..my guess is if you don't yield after a couple of letters and "talks" she'll give up because you know..she's full of it.

[MJJean]

If you want my $0.02, her OM isn't all in and she's trying to solidify you as Plan B.

[merrmeade]

Also wanted to add that, though I think you've come far and have passed the point of danger in terms of your own vulnerability, I think you need to examine the dysfunctional psychology that you both were perpetuating. You had both gone so many years both of you in tandem, consistently agreeing that you were to blame for every problem in the relationship, lifestyle and family issue. That's what's in every post. With LS help you were able to see through the ridiculous fallacy of this point of view. But she is still unconsciously justifying her actions on the basis that, as I understand it, you had already ruined the marriage. Incredible.

 

It's time you stop beating yourself up for some nonexistent, exaggerated lack of responsibility. In fact, many of the things you criticize yourself for, to me, were attributes that made you probably nice, creative, fun for your children, and not necessarily incompatible with emotional maturity and productivity.

 

You were both so used to enabling the status quo – putting the blame for whatever misery, mistakes or losses befell the family on you - that you did the same thing regarding her affair. And she hasn't stopped. It's absurd. The last conversation you had was her continuing to make the problem about your marriage, not her affair. Every single thing you've reported that she said puts the problems, in her mind, of the marriage as the cause of everything and the problem. She's only occasionally slightly wavered from this. There is no change in her logic. She always comes from this position. The problem, aside from the faulty logic, is that she assumes you are still in that enabling mode yourself.

 

I think you need to communicate clearly to her in words to this effect, that you take no responsibility for her affair. Her affair is the reason you are separating. Period. No discussion or negotiation on that point. And since she has shown scant remorse or acknowledged 100% accountability on that Point, there can be no discussion, negotiation or correction of anything else in the relationship – because there is no more relationship. She has ruined that. Not you.

 

She can have no change of heart or thinking until that is understood.

Edited September 27, 2017 by merrmeade

[Marc878]

Cake eaters don't like having their cake taken away.

 

Poor muffin.

 

You've done well after a horrendous start.

 

You don't owe her ****.

[aliveagain]

Once you cross the line of indifference there really is no turning back. You will never have what you once had when you were blindly in love with her, you can't undo what she has so brutally done to you and indirectly to your children. She left her boyfriend of many years for you(can't remember if you knew that at the time), and after 22 years she left you for her new boyfriend. She's openly dating this man, she continued dating him knowing how much pain she was causing you, that wasn't enough to stop her. Now that you've decided divorcing her is less painful then sharing her with another man she wants you back. You will never get over what she did to you as your wife, perhaps after you divorce her you may see her differently. Infidelity has a way of showing you the real ugliness that we never saw before. Stay on the path you feel best on, it is now all about you. Your children will always be in your life, she's the one that is disposable. I think she just realized that.

[dreamingoftigers]

I packed up all our wedding photos and memorabilia yesterday and put them in a box. I removed my wedding ring. I am going to give away the stuffed animal she gave me to Goodwill.

 

I spoke with my wife about all this. I told her I was sorry that I was sending her mixed signals, and that I thought I was clear when we last spoke that the divorce is happening. She broke down and said that she feels like I'm 2 different men now. She said the FTL that she knows and loves would have given her a second chance, and this "other" one of me is being told what to say and do by other people (she meant my mother when she said this). The truth is, I finally grew up (thanks to the LS community!) and the man I am now is tired of her crap. I left the conversation after that to go take a shower.

 

While in the shower, she came in the bedroom and smashed a photo frame of my mother on the floor and yelled something like "that's who's responsible!" (I couldn't hear it well because I was rinsing shampoo out of my hair). I thought it was a gunshot--it scared the crap out of me! She also broke a bunch of other picture frames that I had placed where our wedding photos were. They were photos of both her and my family, so I'm not sure it was symbolic, but just pure rage.

 

I left without saying anything to her.

 

When I returned home, there was a photo of her and me on the bed with a note. The note basically said that she thought I could give her one more chance, that she prayed my mixed messages meant something (reconciliation), and that my mother talked me into divorce (she didn't). In her last sentence of the letter, she said I was to blame for the divorce and I threw it all away.

 

It's just all about her and what she wants.

 

Even if it's "not about you" she could have at least not cheated to protect her children from the fallout. Very selfish and not very reflective.

[S2B]

That's her downfall - she just thought you would overlook her cheating and give her more chances.

 

So she's not sorry she cheated - she's only sorry she got caught and now has consequences. Good for you staying strong!

 

She doesn't deserve more chances given her attitude/mindset.

[Clay]

I think to me cheaters have had there fill of "LOOK HOW WONDERFUL I AM". She has just spend the last several months of two men fighting for her and filling her head with how great she is and how they want her. Your now showing her that not only is she loosing control she is having a hard time understanding why you no longer think she isn't that great anymore. In her mind she thinks what she did wasn't that big of a deal. I think this is why your seeing regret. If she was really feeling remorse she would see what she is doing to you and end her affair on her own. She would see the AP as someone who helped her destroy her family. You would see it really sink into her what she has done. Its not to say you wouldn't still see some selfish behavior but you would see her putting you ahead of herself and her needs. She would be going out of her way to make things right. Self reflection is a huge part of a remorseful cheater.

 

I think you are right to continue along with the path of divorce. You suffered far to much in my mind. I think if anything you could have her read this. Its been posted a few times already on others thread but it still is a really great read. You should print it off and give it to her. I didn't write this.

 

 

I know this post is not going to sit well with most WS here but in my opinion there seems to be a lot of difficulty understanding the pain the BS goes through after an affair is discovered. I know the WS is dealing with a lot of intense emotions such as guilt, shame, remorse, regret. But there seems to be a definite disconnect that I thought I'd address. While I am not the most intelligent or articulate person here on TAM I thought I’d try to describe the way my wife and I have come to understand the difference and how we related it to each other.

 

A person who has an affair does indeed have to deal with a lot of pain in the aftermath. They have to reevaluate their own identity and who they really are and their willingness to cause so much suffering to their loved ones. The statements “it’s just not in me to cheat” and “I could never do that” are in direct conflict with their actions. They have to come to the painful conclusion that they indeed are not the absolute good person they thought they were. They have to realize that there was something in them that allowed them to be selfish and cruel to the person or people they most cherished. And the scariest part is that they have to realize that since they’ve done it once they can do it again. Those self examinations are extremely difficult but necessary if the WS wants to become the person they always thought they already were and hope to actually become.

 

Here is where it gets hard for as much difficulty the WS has to go through they truly cannot comprehend the pain and anguish the BS has to endure. I want you to understand and remember two words. These are two very important words and it will help you to understand what your spouse is probably feeling even if they can’t express it. When they discovered your affair…YOU DIED! Let me say it again…YOU DIED! The person that your husband/wife married is gone forever. Think about a time when you lost someone really close to you. A father, mother, sister, brother, son, daughter, or spouse. Think of the grief that you had to deal with. That is the same grief that your spouse has to deal with each and every day. Every day that they wake up after D-Day you die again and they feel it again and it's just as intense. The feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, yes…anger (why did you leave me?) Can you even imagine the pain that he/she is going through? Probably not. Because you are the one that had died and they are the one that is left to pick up the pieces of a shattered life that was taken from. They are the ones that are left to deal with the loss of a loved one.

 

But here is the sick part. You are still here; but you aren’t! You are a doppelganger, a clone, an evil twin. You are the one that killed your spouse’s cherished love. You took the love of his/her life away forever violently and without mercy. You stabbed them, mutilated them, burned them and ultimately buried them. You are the monster that has torn up a family. You are the monster that has committed such a senseless heinous act. You are a murderer! And here's the part that most WS miss. You were aware of your actions. You stalked your husband/wife's spouse. You planned how to do it. You conspired with another murderer (the OM/OW) and you finally struck without warning and without honor. The BS was left in shock and dismay watching their cherished lover, friend, partner, confidant bleed to death in the street. They felt hopeless and helpless as the person they loved most in the world was taken from them. Their world...you...died that day.

 

And you want the grieving person to forgive you. Love you. Stay with you. Think about that for a minute. You, the pod person, the evil clone, the look alike murderer that destroyed the one person in life that your spouse cherished beyond all time and space want the sorrow filled, grief stricken, angry and injured beyond belief person to LOVE YOU? They had this involuntarily inflicted upon them. They had no choice. Only pain. And now you want them to choose to love you. Can you imagine going up to the person that murdered your loved one and choosing to love them?

 

Now you have a little glimpse into the psyche of your betrayed spouse. You also know why I always tell people that the old marriage is dead and the couple must learn to love each other as new…if they can. It is also why I recommend the betrayed spouse read “Just Let Them Go” even if they want to reconcile. Because you truly have to let the cheating spouse go in order to learn to hopefully love the new version of your husband/wife. It’s hard and it’s painful and it can only be done if the WS does everything to make the BS fall in love with them again.

[merrmeade]

I think to me cheaters have had there fill of "LOOK HOW WONDERFUL I AM". She has just spend the last several months of two men fighting for her and filling her head with how great she is and how they want her. Your now showing her that not only is she loosing control she is having a hard time understanding why you no longer think she isn't that great anymore. In her mind she thinks what she did wasn't that big of a deal. I think this is why your seeing regret. If she was really feeling remorse she would see what she is doing to you and end her affair on her own. She would see the AP as someone who helped her destroy her family. You would see it really sink into her what she has done. Its not to say you wouldn't still see some selfish behavior but you would see her putting you ahead of herself and her needs. She would be going out of her way to make things right. Self reflection is a huge part of a remorseful cheater.

 

I think you are right to continue along with the path of divorce. You suffered far to much in my mind. I think if anything you could have her read this. Its been posted a few times already on others thread but it still is a really great read. You should print it off and give it to her. I didn't write this.

 

 

Where did that quote come from? Man, really hits the nail on the head.

[Steve51]

Too many people blame themselves for their partner's cheating. I think it is because they do not want to believe that their partner just chose someone over them. I studied Psychology with an emphasis on marriage and relationships before coming to my senses and switching to the then new major of Computer Science that has given a very good living without having to deal with people's problems all day long.

 

The cheater will try one of two things. The first is to deny it if there is no hard evidence. I once attended a class on marriage and relationships and one of the lectures was a Psychologist who spoke about being caught cheating. He said that sometimes the cheater who was caught in the act will keep on denying it and over time their spouse, who fears divorce, will start to question what he saw. Maybe she did happen to fall on his penis as she said.

 

The only way you can get past infidelity is if the cheater takes full responsibility for their actions. Without that, there is little hope. I do not think you can find one professional that will say that cheating is a good response to a problem. Even though the problems are usually made up on the spot. Look, I cheated fessed up and next year we are married for 45 wonderful years. I did luck out a little as my wife learned she is bi and loved a woman that we both knew for most of our life. We shared her for 30 years. It was wonderful so no regrets. We are once again monogamous. We worked it out but I took responsibility and instead of my wife cheating on me to satisfy her need fro women, she set us up with one we already loved as a friend. We did not blame each other for our actions. That will never resolve anything. Think about it. Do you really want a woman who will cheat on you to solve marital problems?

[Clay]

Where did that quote come from? Man, really hits the nail on the head.

 

I found it on another site about 3 years ago. I have another one that is really great too. I think I personally side with this one more than the other one. I guess there is that part of me that doesn't believe in giving a cheater a second chance. To many times in my life I was burned by it.

 

Just Let Them Go

 

The end result?

 

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

 

That is the end result.

 

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

 

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

 

Nothing else works better or quicker.

 

Let them go.

 

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

 

Wouldn't that be true love?

 

If you really loved your spouse,

and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,

wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

 

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

 

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

 

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

 

But cheating, no excuses.

 

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

 

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

 

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

 

And for your last point,

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

 

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

 

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

 

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

 

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

 

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

 

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

 

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

[Mr Blunt]

FloatingThroughLife,

Your wife will demonstrate great emotions that are an indication that she is trying to salvage her life that she has willfully damaged to a great degree. When you get through all the emotions you will see that she is concerned about HERSELF 100% and not about you!

 

She has replaced you with the OM but she is hoping to manipulate you so that she can get relief for HERSELF! She expressed all her emotions to you then still goes back to the OM and gets in bed with him. Your wife has severely damaged herself and is only capable of putting her selfish interests ahead of everyone else. She is not capable of love at this time.

 

FloatingThroughLife, now that you have grown some cajones and a backbone, aren’t you glad that you no longer think like a worthless door mat?

 

Quote by FloatingThroughLife

I'm weak. I'm selfish. I don't deserve her. I just want her to be happy, even if it's not with me.

[Veronica73]

If you want to see how serious she is about all of it, ask her for a crazy settlement in the divorce and tell he after the divorce you will think about seeing her again. That will give you an indication of where she is at.

 

So this is a complete thread hijack... but I’m very curious as to what you mean by this. I don’t understand it. So, sorry OP. But I am in a...somewhat similar situation... Except there was no cheating involved, at least on my part.

[BluesPower]

Originally Posted by BluesPower

If you want to see how serious she is about all of it, ask her for a crazy settlement in the divorce and tell he after the divorce you will think about seeing her again. That will give you an indication of where she is at.

 

So this is a complete thread hijack... but I’m very curious as to what you mean by this. I don’t understand it. So, sorry OP. But I am in a...somewhat similar situation... Except there was no cheating involved, at least on my part.

 

If a cheating spouse actually wanted to reconcile no matter what, the BS can ask for a really good settlement in the divorce, way better than a regular settlement.

 

If that spouse is really remorseful, which this one is not, they might agree to it, in order to have a chance at getting back with their spouse whom they "Love".

 

They would actually sacrifice their well being for their BS to prove they are remorseful.

 

Then after the divorce you can ghost them or you can watch them and see what they do and how hard they try and get back with you.

 

But the answer to the request tells you where they really are though...

[Veronica73]

 

 

 

If a cheating spouse actually wanted to reconcile no matter what, the BS can ask for a really good settlement in the divorce, way better than a regular settlement.

 

If that spouse is really remorseful, which this one is not, they might agree to it, in order to have a chance at getting back with their spouse whom they "Love".

 

They would actually sacrifice their well being for their BS to prove they are remorseful.

 

Then after the divorce you can ghost them or you can watch them and see what they do and how hard they try and get back with you.

 

But the answer to the request tells you where they really are though...

 

Okay. Gotcha. Thank you for explaining.

[FloatingThroughLife]

My wife roped me into a conversation last night. It started out discussing my son's birthday party. She said she didn't think it was fair if my whole family planned something and she wasn't invited. Some nerve... I told her I'd be open to having a party with just us. Then things went in a different direction...

 

She wanted her questions answered from the other night. I said there was nothing to talk about. She pressed on. I caved and started talking. I'd love to post our entire conversation, but I'm afraid I'm boring you all to tears at this point, and a lot of it is rehashing the same things over and over.

 

The gist of the conversation is that she still feels that she was a victim, she only cheated because of how I treated her in the marriage, that I am a liar and a coward, and that the divorce is 100% my choice and my responsibility.

 

She said that when she "broke up" with the OM, I should have told her I loved her and helped her through all the pain she was going through and been there for her, talked to her. I didn't do that (in her mind), and then a week later I said I wanted a divorce (because she went to see the OM 4 times since the "break up", but she doesn't know I know that).

 

She wants me to admit that I don't love her and I haven't loved her in a long time, and that is why we are getting a divorce. She said she doesn't want a divorce. I said I loved the woman I married, but you are not her anymore. She said she's not a different person and that I never even wanted to know anything about her all these years, I just saw her as a person that did everything for me and never got anything in return.

 

She said I'm wrong about so many things, and that I didn't want counseling and I didn't want to fix the marriage. I reminded her that I did say we should go to counseling but all her friends said it's a waste of time and money. Then she said she didn't feel it would help anyway.

 

She said I treated her like a child because I wanted access to her phone anytime I wanted it.

 

I told her she didn't make me feel safe or that I could trust her ever again, and she said that I didn't make HER feel safe either.

 

I then asked her again where she went the night I wrote her the letter (page 1 of this post). She said she would tell me but I needed to be truthful myself. She said that yes, I knew where she went (the OM's apartment, not a hotel). She said she cried all night and she didn't know what to do.

 

She said telling me about the affair was the hardest thing she's ever had to do and she doesn't even know why she told me.

 

I told her I can't do this anymore. I said I can't have her in my life as my wife. She is the mother to my children and nothing more. We're done. I said I never want to discuss anything but the kids and the divorce from now on.

 

She said "I don't know where you went."

 

She was at the OM's apartment for 6 hours today while the kids were in school and I was at work.

[S2B]

Seriously? She's totally narcissistic! A blatant liar.

 

Do not plan ANY parties with her. Do not have any conversations with her.

 

Move all money into your name immediately and close all her credit cards!

 

Have her move now!

 

She did this and you need to protect yourself now.

 

Hurry!!!

 

 

She's had too much time to plot and plan and you will suffer from that.

 

Get busy! Call those credit card companies now and move money when the bank opens tomorrow morning!

 

Get the locks changed on the house too! If she wants to be there tell her fine - you will make every minute of her being in the home miserable!

 

Get her out of your life - she is a toxic liar who will use you as long you keep allowing it. Stop allowing ANY communication with her. It's a waste of your time.

Edited September 29, 2017 by S2B

[BluesPower]

My wife roped me into a conversation last night. It started out discussing my son's birthday party. She said she didn't think it was fair if my whole family planned something and she wasn't invited. Some nerve... I told her I'd be open to having a party with just us. Then things went in a different direction...

 

She wanted her questions answered from the other night. I said there was nothing to talk about. She pressed on. I caved and started talking. I'd love to post our entire conversation, but I'm afraid I'm boring you all to tears at this point, and a lot of it is rehashing the same things over and over.

 

The gist of the conversation is that she still feels that she was a victim, she only cheated because of how I treated her in the marriage, that I am a liar and a coward, and that the divorce is 100% my choice and my responsibility.

 

She said that when she "broke up" with the OM, I should have told her I loved her and helped her through all the pain she was going through and been there for her, talked to her. I didn't do that (in her mind), and then a week later I said I wanted a divorce (because she went to see the OM 4 times since the "break up", but she doesn't know I know that).

 

She wants me to admit that I don't love her and I haven't loved her in a long time, and that is why we are getting a divorce. She said she doesn't want a divorce. I said I loved the woman I married, but you are not her anymore. She said she's not a different person and that I never even wanted to know anything about her all these years, I just saw her as a person that did everything for me and never got anything in return.

 

She said I'm wrong about so many things, and that I didn't want counseling and I didn't want to fix the marriage. I reminded her that I did say we should go to counseling but all her friends said it's a waste of time and money. Then she said she didn't feel it would help anyway.

 

She said I treated her like a child because I wanted access to her phone anytime I wanted it.

 

I told her she didn't make me feel safe or that I could trust her ever again, and she said that I didn't make HER feel safe either.

 

I then asked her again where she went the night I wrote her the letter (page 1 of this post). She said she would tell me but I needed to be truthful myself. She said that yes, I knew where she went (the OM's apartment, not a hotel). She said she cried all night and she didn't know what to do.

 

She said telling me about the affair was the hardest thing she's ever had to do and she doesn't even know why she told me.

 

I told her I can't do this anymore. I said I can't have her in my life as my wife. She is the mother to my children and nothing more. We're done. I said I never want to discuss anything but the kids and the divorce from now on.

 

She said "I don't know where you went."

 

She was at the OM's apartment for 6 hours today while the kids were in school and I was at work.

 

Wow, just wow...

 

I don't know of another WS that has gone through such great gyrations to blame the Betrayed Spouse.

 

My brother, wow, there is no was that she will/would have/ever will be worth the trouble of reasoning with her.

 

She is still in total denial about everything she has done.

 

She is a complete nut job.

 

FTL, understand this, when you find a new, kind, loving woman, that actually loves you, your life will change to a degree that you never knew existed.

 

Stay the course, get free of this woman...

[dreamingoftigers]

Wow, just wow...

 

I don't know of another WS that has gone through such great gyrations to blame the Betrayed Spouse.

 

My brother, wow, there is no was that she will/would have/ever will be worth the trouble of reasoning with her.

 

She is still in total denial about everything she has done.

 

She is a complete nut job.

 

FTL, understand this, when you find a new, kind, loving woman, that actually loves you, your life will change to a degree that you never knew existed.

 

Stay the course, get free of this woman...

 

She's completely incapable of taking responsibility for her own choices.

 

As if you should have helped her grieve a breakup that she didn't even have. What a joke.

 

What entitlement.

[usa1ah]

My wife roped me into a conversation last night. It started out discussing my son's birthday party. She said she didn't think it was fair if my whole family planned something and she wasn't invited. Some nerve... I told her I'd be open to having a party with just us. Then things went in a different direction...

 

She wanted her questions answered from the other night. I said there was nothing to talk about. She pressed on. I caved and started talking. I'd love to post our entire conversation, but I'm afraid I'm boring you all to tears at this point, and a lot of it is rehashing the same things over and over.

 

The gist of the conversation is that she still feels that she was a victim, she only cheated because of how I treated her in the marriage, that I am a liar and a coward, and that the divorce is 100% my choice and my responsibility.

 

She said that when she "broke up" with the OM, I should have told her I loved her and helped her through all the pain she was going through and been there for her, talked to her. I didn't do that (in her mind), and then a week later I said I wanted a divorce (because she went to see the OM 4 times since the "break up", but she doesn't know I know that).

 

She wants me to admit that I don't love her and I haven't loved her in a long time, and that is why we are getting a divorce. She said she doesn't want a divorce. I said I loved the woman I married, but you are not her anymore. She said she's not a different person and that I never even wanted to know anything about her all these years, I just saw her as a person that did everything for me and never got anything in return.

 

She said I'm wrong about so many things, and that I didn't want counseling and I didn't want to fix the marriage. I reminded her that I did say we should go to counseling but all her friends said it's a waste of time and money. Then she said she didn't feel it would help anyway.

 

She said I treated her like a child because I wanted access to her phone anytime I wanted it.

 

I told her she didn't make me feel safe or that I could trust her ever again, and she said that I didn't make HER feel safe either.

 

I then asked her again where she went the night I wrote her the letter (page 1 of this post). She said she would tell me but I needed to be truthful myself. She said that yes, I knew where she went (the OM's apartment, not a hotel). She said she cried all night and she didn't know what to do.

 

She said telling me about the affair was the hardest thing she's ever had to do and she doesn't even know why she told me.

 

I told her I can't do this anymore. I said I can't have her in my life as my wife. She is the mother to my children and nothing more. We're done. I said I never want to discuss anything but the kids and the divorce from now on.

 

She said "I don't know where you went."

 

She was at the OM's apartment for 6 hours today while the kids were in school and I was at work.

 

You should let her know she needs to move out if she is going to keep seeing the OM like she did today. That at least she could refrain from seeing him until she finds an apartment or the divorce is finalized.

[Marc878]

My wife roped me into a conversation last night. It started out discussing my son's birthday party. She said she didn't think it was fair if my whole family planned something and she wasn't invited. Some nerve... I told her I'd be open to having a party with just us. Then things went in a different direction...

 

You're at fault here. You knew better than to engage her but you did it anyway. Putting yourself under her control gets you what?

 

She wanted her questions answered from the other night. I said there was nothing to talk about. She pressed on. I caved and started talking. I'd love to post our entire conversation, but I'm afraid I'm boring you all to tears at this point, and a lot of it is rehashing the same things over and over.

 

She's a cake eater and wants her cake back. Hard 180

 

The gist of the conversation is that she still feels that she was a victim, she only cheated because of how I treated her in the marriage, that I am a liar and a coward, and that the divorce is 100% my choice and my responsibility.

 

Weakness will ruin the rest of your life.

 

She said that when she "broke up" with the OM, I should have told her I loved her and helped her through all the pain she was going through and been there for her, talked to her. I didn't do that (in her mind), and then a week later I said I wanted a divorce (because she went to see the OM 4 times since the "break up", but she doesn't know I know that).

 

Poor snowflake. She cheats and you didn't help her through her sex withdrawal from her other man?

 

She wants me to admit that I don't love her and I haven't loved her in a long time, and that is why we are getting a divorce. She said she doesn't want a divorce. I said I loved the woman I married, but you are not her anymore. She said she's not a different person and that I never even wanted to know anything about her all these years, I just saw her as a person that did everything for me and never got anything in return.

 

This is all any engagement will get you. Only more drama.

 

She said I'm wrong about so many things, and that I didn't want counseling and I didn't want to fix the marriage. I reminded her that I did say we should go to counseling but all her friends said it's a waste of time and money. Then she said she didn't feel it would help anyway.

 

Let her go so she can be happy

 

She said I treated her like a child because I wanted access to her phone anytime I wanted it.

 

I told her she didn't make me feel safe or that I could trust her ever again, and she said that I didn't make HER feel safe either.

 

I then asked her again where she went the night I wrote her the letter (page 1 of this post). She said she would tell me but I needed to be truthful myself. She said that yes, I knew where she went (the OM's apartment, not a hotel). She said she cried all night and she didn't know what to do.

 

BS, I bet other man gave her some comfort

She said telling me about the affair was the hardest thing she's ever had to do and she doesn't even know why she told me.

 

I told her I can't do this anymore. I said I can't have her in my life as my wife. She is the mother to my children and nothing more. We're done. I said I never want to discuss anything but the kids and the divorce from now on.

 

She said "I don't know where you went."

 

She was at the OM's apartment for 6 hours today while the kids were in school and I was at work.

 

You'd better wake up. It sounds like you can't let go and think it'll all go away and she'll become who you thought she was.

 

The only one keeping you in this mess is you.