I pushed her to her breaking point and she cheated on me

[Mr Blunt]

The gist of the conversation is that she still feels that she was a victim, she only cheated because of how I treated her in the marriage, that I am a liar and a coward, and that the divorce is 100% my choice and my responsibility.

 

She was at the OM's apartment for 6 hours today while the kids were in school and I was at work.

 

 

Your wife blames you for her betrayal, calls you a liar and a coward, disrespects you then goes to the OM’s apartment for 6 hours of comfort emotionally or sexually or both.

 

Floatingthroughlife

Your wife will totally destroy you unless you get all the help that you can for your emotional life. In addition, get professional legal guidance on your short range and long range plan to save you. Your wife is your 100% enemy and only the strong survive.

[oldbutcurious]

I'm here because I am lost and I don't know what else I can do to change her mind.

 

 

You can continue being the changed man. Help her recover faster by being caring and attentive.

 

WHo knows, until the divorce is final, if you still can win her back?

[merrmeade]

The gist of the conversation is that she still feels that she was a victim, she only cheated because of how I treated her in the marriage, that I am a liar and a coward, and that the divorce is 100% my choice and my responsibility.

 

She said that when she "broke up" with the OM, I should have told her I loved her and helped her through all the pain she was going through and been there for her, talked to her. I didn't do that (in her mind), and then a week later I said I wanted a divorce (because she went to see the OM 4 times since the "break up", but she doesn't know I know that).

 

She wants me to admit that I don't love her and I haven't loved her in a long time, and that is why we are getting a divorce. She said she doesn't want a divorce. I said I loved the woman I married, but you are not her anymore. She said she's not a different person and that I never even wanted to know anything about her all these years, I just saw her as a person that did everything for me and never got anything in return.

 

She said I'm wrong about so many things, and that I didn't want counseling and I didn't want to fix the marriage. I reminded her that I did say we should go to counseling but all her friends said it's a waste of time and money. Then she said she didn't feel it would help anyway.

 

She said I treated her like a child because I wanted access to her phone anytime I wanted it.

 

I told her she didn't make me feel safe or that I could trust her ever again, and she said that I didn't make HER feel safe either.

 

I then asked her again where she went the night I wrote her the letter (page 1 of this post). She said she would tell me but I needed to be truthful myself. She said that yes, I knew where she went (the OM's apartment, not a hotel). She said she cried all night and she didn't know what to do.

She said telling me about the affair was the hardest thing she's ever had to do and she doesn't even know why she told me.

 

I told her I can't do this anymore. I said I can't have her in my life as my wife. She is the mother to my children and nothing more. We're done. I said I never want to discuss anything but the kids and the divorce from now on.

 

She said "I don't know where you went."

 

She was at the OM's apartment for 6 hours today while the kids were in school and I was at work.

It totally stumps me why you wouldn't tell the cheating spouse in such a conversation that you know. What does it matter if you show your hand at this point? She has ZERO

credibility left. There is no way she could do worse or that you could possibly consider reconciling or doing ANY of the things she's asked you to do since she's so blatantly and disgustingly lied and then, to make it so much worse and irredeemable, she tried to put you on the defensive and blame things on your. It's shocking and embarrassing. Why don't you want to say that to her and see her face when you do?

 

It's the most damning evidence you could give her. It will shut her up and change the playing field. She will be outed and all her lying and manipulating shot down and exposed. It makes her look like a sociopath. Why wouldn't you want her to know that you knew she was lying when she said, x, y, z?

 

What on earth do you have to gain by continuing to monitor her. But mainly, what do you have to lose? I mean, so now you know she's not only still cheating on you but lied to your face about it and so other many things, acting victimized when and tried to make you feel sorry for her. Her own actions have condemned her. Don't you WANT her to know that you knew she was lying? Why let her continue plunging into this quagmire of her own making? What could she possibly do to come back from that?

So help me out here: Why not just let her have it with the truth at this juncture?

Edited September 30, 2017 by merrmeade

[S2B]

What did you do today to take back your life?

 

Did you move money to your name only? Did you close all her credit cards? Did you demand her to move today?

 

What actions have you taken to make it crystal clear to her that you are done with her bad behavior?

 

Life begins for you when you take charge of your future.

 

She gets no say whatsoever. She's forfeited any rights when she cheated - and confirmed it when she continued to cheat while blaming you.

 

She's to blame. She can have severe consequences.

 

Tell her OM that he can support her from here forward.

 

Your wife has some nerve.

 

Don't look back - only forward.

[afoolto no end]

I have just read your thread, I can't understand why you just don't tell her you know she is still seeing him and still lying about it.

It will stop her from all this poor me bs.......give yourself the peace

she is just trying to con you, she has absolutely no respect for you at all to continue this same conduct the same lies

[arobk]

It totally stumps me why you wouldn't tell the cheating spouse in such a conversation that you know. What does it matter if you show your hand at this point? She has ZERO

credibility left. There is no way she could do worse or that you could possibly consider reconciling or doing ANY of the things she's asked you to do since she's so blatantly and disgustingly lied and then, to make it so much worse and irredeemable, she tried to put you on the defensive and blame things on your. It's shocking and embarrassing. Why don't you want to say that to her and see her face when you do?

 

It's the most damning evidence you could give her. It will shut her up and change the playing field. She will be outed and all her lying and manipulating shot down and exposed. It makes her look like a sociopath. Why wouldn't you want her to know that you knew she was lying when she said, x, y, z?

 

What on earth do you have to gain by continuing to monitor her. But mainly, what do you have to lose? I mean, so now you know she's not only still cheating on you but lied to your face about it and so other many things, acting victimized when and tried to make you feel sorry for her. Her own actions have condemned her. Don't you WANT her to know that you knew she was lying? Why let her continue plunging into this quagmire of her own making? What could she possibly do to come back from that?

So help me out here: Why not just let her have it with the truth at this juncture?

 

 

Some people use the continued lying as proof that they are doing the right thing in leaving their WS. At least that is my guess.

[sandylee1]

I don't think you should have her at the party. I'd she wants she can arrange one with her family.

 

Maybe in years to come, but not now.

 

If my husband said I was not helping him after an affair ending... I'd tell him to take a long walk, on a short pier. Seriously...I dont know how you didn't tell her to f**k off.

[FloatingThroughLife]

You're at fault here. You knew better than to engage her but you did it anyway. Putting yourself under her control gets you what?

 

I know it was stupid. I was actually saying in my head how disappointed the LS community would be with me when I told them about what I was doing. I'm sorry I caved and talked to her. You are right as always. It got me nothing.

 

Let her go so she can be happy

 

This is really all I want now.

 

You'd better wake up. It sounds like you can't let go and think it'll all go away and she'll become who you thought she was.

 

You mean I can't let go of her? I do briefly think of that here and there, but I know in my heart that I could never live the rest of my life married to this woman. Not after all that she has done.

 

The only one keeping you in this mess is you.

 

You're right.

 

You can continue being the changed man. Help her recover faster by being caring and attentive.

 

WHo knows, until the divorce is final, if you still can win her back?

 

Thank you for the reply, but I am way beyond that now. I am really a different man from the one that originally started this thread. I do not want her back.

 

It totally stumps me why you wouldn't tell the cheating spouse in such a conversation that you know. What does it matter if you show your hand at this point? She has ZERO

credibility left. There is no way she could do worse or that you could possibly consider reconciling or doing ANY of the things she's asked you to do since she's so blatantly and disgustingly lied and then, to make it so much worse and irredeemable, she tried to put you on the defensive and blame things on your. It's shocking and embarrassing. Why don't you want to say that to her and see her face when you do?

 

It's the most damning evidence you could give her. It will shut her up and change the playing field. She will be outed and all her lying and manipulating shot down and exposed. It makes her look like a sociopath. Why wouldn't you want her to know that you knew she was lying when she said, x, y, z?

 

What on earth do you have to gain by continuing to monitor her. But mainly, what do you have to lose? I mean, so now you know she's not only still cheating on you but lied to your face about it and so other many things, acting victimized when and tried to make you feel sorry for her. Her own actions have condemned her. Don't you WANT her to know that you knew she was lying? Why let her continue plunging into this quagmire of her own making? What could she possibly do to come back from that?

So help me out here: Why not just let her have it with the truth at this juncture?

 

There are a few reasons that I'm not revealing what and how I know what I know.

 

1. I don't know what the legality is of what I'm doing and I am worried that she could use it against me.

2. Continuing to monitor her gives me insight into what else she might be scheming. If I know ahead of time, I can protect myself better.

3. As arobk said, it helps me solidify the fact that I am making the right choice.

4. Since I still have to co-parent with her for at least the next 6 years, I don't want her to have anything like this to hold over me. She's very good at keeping the upperhand. I am slowly gaining more strength and confidence from you all, but she still gets the better of me sometimes, like the other night with the conversation she got me into.

 

What did you do today to take back your life?

 

Did you move money to your name only? Did you close all her credit cards? Did you demand her to move today?

 

What actions have you taken to make it crystal clear to her that you are done with her bad behavior?

 

Life begins for you when you take charge of your future.

 

She gets no say whatsoever. She's forfeited any rights when she cheated - and confirmed it when she continued to cheat while blaming you.

 

She's to blame. She can have severe consequences.

 

Tell her OM that he can support her from here forward.

 

Your wife has some nerve.

 

Don't look back - only forward.

 

I am working on it. In our state everything is community property, even credit cards that are in her name only. So moving money around doesn't really matter much. One thing that I know I need to do is go back to the lawyer, which I plan on doing soon.

 

I have just read your thread, I can't understand why you just don't tell her you know she is still seeing him and still lying about it.

It will stop her from all this poor me bs.......give yourself the peace

she is just trying to con you, she has absolutely no respect for you at all to continue this same conduct the same lies

 

I don't think it matters at this point. I can see through her crap now, and I don't believe a word she says.

 

I don't think you should have her at the party. I'd she wants she can arrange one with her family.

 

Maybe in years to come, but not now.

 

If my husband said I was not helping him after an affair ending... I'd tell him to take a long walk, on a short pier. Seriously...I dont know how you didn't tell her to f**k off.

 

I almost did, but I refrained. My wife is a narcissist and I'm trying to be a gray rock. The Gray Rock Method of Dealing With Psychopaths ?

 

I realize I was doing a terrible impression of a gray rock by having the conversation at all, and Marc called me out on it. I'll try harder.

 

After our conversation, my wife sent me an email with her "last words" to me. She said she was sorry about a hundred times for everything. I won't post the whole thing here, but I'll say that there are some redeeming things in the email. It doesn't change anything because they are still just words, but it does at least seem sincere.

 

I am going to continue the 180 and protect myself as best I can until everything is finalized. I want to thank you all again for your continued support and guidance. It really means a lot.

[road]

never ever reveal your sources to a ww

[Clay]

The more you detach the clearer your going to see her for who she really is. The easier it will be to say the truth without showing emotion. My xW told me I was the coldest person she had ever met. She just could not believe I could just one day shut it all off and file for divorce so quickly. What she failed to see I suffered for ten years with her. It was never over night. It took years to really see her for who she was and still is.

 

 

I think your also right that you need to stay calm when you talk to her and not let yourself get sucked into pushing her affair in her face. There is really no point to it right now and you want to look your best when you go to into this divorce. I don't know what your plan is on custody but if It was me I would make it clear I either wanted 50/50 or full custody. I wouldn't settle for less.

 

Stay strong. She will get hers. She might not recognize it when it comes but it will come.

 

C

[Keats]

Self accountability will save this.

 

Not proving to her that you have changed. As it is not a sincere change.

 

Ignoring her for years was wrong.

 

Being defensive for years was wrong.

 

These are perfect ways to reduce a persons self worth, neglect them emotionally, and show them that you probably only value them when they arepositve for your benefits and needs .

 

You can't beome the perfect man overnight without addressing the past.

 

I will say women will live with any kind of flawed man but not one that can't talk to her or at least meet her half way.

 

She didn't end it well by having an affair.

[Just a Guy]

Hi FTL, I think there is a lot of substance in what Keats has had to say. It is easy now to completely treat your wife as a devil but the fact is that your initial posts did indicate an immaturity in your behaviour and attitude spread over years. I think communication between you two had broken down completely and from your end you did not help to restore status quo. In saying this I do not for a moment consider that your wife was blameless. She contributed equally to the breakdown of communications. As the more mature person at the time of getting married it was probably more incumbent on her to exercise good judgement and view things from an informed point of view. Maybe she failed there. Also, there is no forgiving her decision to cheat on you. Apparently, her affair was meant to be an exit affair but her AP seems to have let her down by not committing to her now that he knows you are divorcing her. So she is left clutching at straws.

 

I think one cannot always look at things especially where relationships are concerned and that too, a fairly longish relationship, through a black and white filter. A lot of history has been generated and that cannot be wished away. To me it seems your wife is now floundering in a situation of her own creation. Whatever she had in mind has not worked out for her and she is now at her wits end seeing everything that she once held dear being destroyed inexorably. I guess it must be horrible and frightening to be in her position.

 

Having said all this and also evaluating your own behaviour, I would suggest that you could maybe offer your wife a lifeline or should I call it a hope line by offering her a possible chance in the future, to get back together, if, and only if, she meets the preconditions which you specify. One of these conditions would be that she undergo intensive IC subsequent to your divorce to establish why she allowed herself to cheat. You can also specify other character flaws that you are aware of, which you would want to see eradicated or minimized. You said somewhere that you think she still loves you in some twisted way. Well she should work on reigniting that spark so that it becomes a bright flame all over again. The saying goes "The proof of the pudding is in the eating". If, after she has worked on herself, she still thinks of you as her North Star then she should have no hesitation in wooing you with all her heart and soul. Tell her that if she meets all these conditions she may win you back especially if she is ardent enough in her efforts. I guess I am bucking the trend here but what I am in fact suggesting is a completely new relationship to be forged between two fresh individuals who only look like their old selves. This assumes that you too, will attend intensive IC to rectify the flaws within you. I would think that is only fair. Warm wishes.

[BluesPower]

Hi FTL, I think there is a lot of substance in what Keats has had to say. It is easy now to completely treat your wife as a devil but the fact is that your initial posts did indicate an immaturity in your behaviour and attitude spread over years. I think communication between you two had broken down completely and from your end you did not help to restore status quo. In saying this I do not for a moment consider that your wife was blameless. She contributed equally to the breakdown of communications. As the more mature person at the time of getting married it was probably more incumbent on her to exercise good judgement and view things from an informed point of view. Maybe she failed there. Also, there is no forgiving her decision to cheat on you. Apparently, her affair was meant to be an exit affair but her AP seems to have let her down by not committing to her now that he knows you are divorcing her. So she is left clutching at straws.

 

I think one cannot always look at things especially where relationships are concerned and that too, a fairly longish relationship, through a black and white filter. A lot of history has been generated and that cannot be wished away. To me it seems your wife is now floundering in a situation of her own creation. Whatever she had in mind has not worked out for her and she is now at her wits end seeing everything that she once held dear being destroyed inexorably. I guess it must be horrible and frightening to be in her position.

 

Having said all this and also evaluating your own behaviour, I would suggest that you could maybe offer your wife a lifeline or should I call it a hope line by offering her a possible chance in the future, to get back together, if, and only if, she meets the preconditions which you specify. One of these conditions would be that she undergo intensive IC subsequent to your divorce to establish why she allowed herself to cheat. You can also specify other character flaws that you are aware of, which you would want to see eradicated or minimized. You said somewhere that you think she still loves you in some twisted way. Well she should work on reigniting that spark so that it becomes a bright flame all over again. The saying goes "The proof of the pudding is in the eating". If, after she has worked on herself, she still thinks of you as her North Star then she should have no hesitation in wooing you with all her heart and soul. Tell her that if she meets all these conditions she may win you back especially if she is ardent enough in her efforts. I guess I am bucking the trend here but what I am in fact suggesting is a completely new relationship to be forged between two fresh individuals who only look like their old selves. This assumes that you too, will attend intensive IC to rectify the flaws within you. I would think that is only fair. Warm wishes.

 

I usually agree with most of what JAG says... but not this time.

 

She has screwed him over many times. Even when they had the talk she blamed him. This is not a woman that is worthy of taking back under any circumstances for any reason.

 

FTL needs to dust her off his boots and never look back...

[FloatingThroughLife]

I know what my faults were in the marriage before the affair. I can understand them as clear as day now. You guys made me realize them all in the first few posts of this thread. I wasn't a great husband. Maybe there is no excuse for it, or maybe there is. I truly believe my wife is a narcissist and she has been gaslighting me for the last 16 years--grooming me to be her puppet and do with as she pleases. I don't even know if she ever truly loved me the way a wife should. I was too young and naive to know better and just accepted it as reality. I've read the following article quite a few times now, and it's like they are telling me the story of my life for the last 16 years: narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/

 

As the years went on, I did everything I could to please my wife. Most vacations were spent going to see her family. Her friends became my friends. Her family really liked me and I did everything I could to show them I was a loving husband that supported his wife. We bought a house together. We had children together. I was so caught up in pleasing her and raising the family, that my own needs became inconsequential. I went above and beyond to provide for my kids, and I didn't see my wife doing the same--other than cleaning which I mentioned in my original post, and I didn't think that was important in the grand scheme of raising a family.

 

I stopped seeing my friends because every time I asked my wife if I could go out, an argument ensued. She felt I wasn't earning enough at work and pressured me to get raises, and resented the fact that I didn't try to earn a promotion. My salary is on par with my position and our health benefits are the best of any company out there, and I didn't want the added pressure of a higher position that I didn't feel qualified for. This is her gaslighting taking its toll on me--I lack self confidence at my job even though my performance reviews are always stellar. Maybe that's imposter syndrome, maybe that's my wife's constant badgering, or maybe both. I don't know. All I know is that I felt so unloved and so unwanted, like nothing I cared about or wanted from my wife mattered to her in the slightest, and nothing I ever did was good enough for her, so I closed myself off from her. I stopped helping around the house. I stopped going above and beyond with volunteer work for the kids. I stopped asking for sex just to see how long it would take until she wanted it. Sorry to be crude, but when I stopped asking for bj's, it went a full year. When I brought it up after a year, she was pissed that I kept track, and still resents me for doing that. Maybe this is all part of my old Mr. Nice Guy thing where I expected things in return. I've learned from the No More Mr. Nice Guy book that relationships shouldn't work like that, and I see my fault in that, but it still hurts that someone who supposedly loves you takes no initiative to actually SHOW that they love you in the ways you want.

 

I don't see how I could ever take her back at this point. I know that she is planning on asking me to take her back with a huge list of promises she will keep if I do. I've seen the list on her phone. I've also seen the dick pics she was sent last night and how she told the OM what she would do to him and his dick in explicit detail. She's scared that her life is about to change in a big way and she's trying to claw her way back to me so she can have her cake and eat it too. I can't see it any other way.

[BluesPower]

I know what my faults were in the marriage before the affair. I can understand them as clear as day now. You guys made me realize them all in the first few posts of this thread. I wasn't a great husband. Maybe there is no excuse for it, or maybe there is. I truly believe my wife is a narcissist and she has been gaslighting me for the last 16 years--grooming me to be her puppet and do with as she pleases. I don't even know if she ever truly loved me the way a wife should. I was too young and naive to know better and just accepted it as reality. I've read the following article quite a few times now, and it's like they are telling me the story of my life for the last 16 years: narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/

 

As the years went on, I did everything I could to please my wife. Most vacations were spent going to see her family. Her friends became my friends. Her family really liked me and I did everything I could to show them I was a loving husband that supported his wife. We bought a house together. We had children together. I was so caught up in pleasing her and raising the family, that my own needs became inconsequential. I went above and beyond to provide for my kids, and I didn't see my wife doing the same--other than cleaning which I mentioned in my original post, and I didn't think that was important in the grand scheme of raising a family.

 

I stopped seeing my friends because every time I asked my wife if I could go out, an argument ensued. She felt I wasn't earning enough at work and pressured me to get raises, and resented the fact that I didn't try to earn a promotion. My salary is on par with my position and our health benefits are the best of any company out there, and I didn't want the added pressure of a higher position that I didn't feel qualified for. This is her gaslighting taking its toll on me--I lack self confidence at my job even though my performance reviews are always stellar. Maybe that's imposter syndrome, maybe that's my wife's constant badgering, or maybe both. I don't know. All I know is that I felt so unloved and so unwanted, like nothing I cared about or wanted from my wife mattered to her in the slightest, and nothing I ever did was good enough for her, so I closed myself off from her. I stopped helping around the house. I stopped going above and beyond with volunteer work for the kids. I stopped asking for sex just to see how long it would take until she wanted it. Sorry to be crude, but when I stopped asking for bj's, it went a full year. When I brought it up after a year, she was pissed that I kept track, and still resents me for doing that. Maybe this is all part of my old Mr. Nice Guy thing where I expected things in return. I've learned from the No More Mr. Nice Guy book that relationships shouldn't work like that, and I see my fault in that, but it still hurts that someone who supposedly loves you takes no initiative to actually SHOW that they love you in the ways you want.

 

I don't see how I could ever take her back at this point. I know that she is planning on asking me to take her back with a huge list of promises she will keep if I do. I've seen the list on her phone. I've also seen the dick pics she was sent last night and how she told the OM what she would do to him and his dick in explicit detail. She's scared that her life is about to change in a big way and she's trying to claw her way back to me so she can have her cake and eat it too. I can't see it any other way.

 

I just could not be prouder of you... Rarely does a man, who was such a doormat start to become a "real man" as quickly as you have turned yourself around.

 

FTL, man, keep moving forward and please lose this woman from your life.

 

Brother, I cannot tell you how many wonderful women there are out there in the world.

 

You will find someone that really loves you. I just know it...

 

Please take a picture of her face when she finds out that you know every thing she is doing and that everything she is saying is complete BS.

 

You stay the course, never take her back...

[Clay]

Stop reading her text or monitoring her at all. If you do this your only looking to cause yourself more pain. You already made your decision clear to her. She will continue to play her games regardless of what you do. You could offer to reconcile right now on the spot and she would just go underground with her affair. You already know the truth.

 

Don't read any notes or letters she gives to you. If she places them in your way just move them. Show her your not interested in anything she says. Plan a time to discuss the divorce. Have a list of all assets at that time and list of accounts. Try to offer a reasonable division of assets and money. If it goes to court and she fights it a judge will ask why she refused. It will get messy for her quickly. My exW played this game when it came for her paying her child support. My xW was read the riot act over her responsibilities.

 

The more you show her your serious about divorce the better prepared you need to be for things to go sour. I would get a couple of vars. Keep one on you at all times. If she starts any kind of a serious argument with you get your child and leave. Don't allow yourself to be shown as a violent person.

 

To often women have abused the laws and court system to punish the victim.

 

To follow up with Blues post. There is a lot of truth it is very rare a person who allowed themselves to be a doormat turned it around so you should be proud of yourself. Your not out of the woods yet so keep working hard to protect yourself and your future.

 

C

[Mr Blunt]

By FloatingThroughLife

After our conversation, my wife sent me an email with her "last words" to me. She said she was sorry about a hundred times for everything. I won't post the whole thing here, but I'll say that there are some redeeming things in the email. It doesn't change anything because they are still just words, but it does at least seem sincere.

 

I am going to continue the 180 and protect myself as best I can until everything is finalized.

 

FTL,

You are no longer acting like a door mat, CONGRADULATIONS!!

 

 

You are wiser and taking ACTIONS (180 and protect myself) that will result in you becoming more self-sufficient and self-confident. You are moving away from weakness and away from FloatingThoughLife.

[merrmeade]

I hear through your words, FTL, the hope that she might be sincerely remorseful at some point, but I think everyone is telling you it would be way TOO SOON to give her that pass now.

 

I have always had that question, however: When do you decide they really deserve a second chance? All I know is that I did it ALL WRONG and suffered for it because I forgave too soon. It's a good question though...

[Marc878]

You would never be anything but a plan B Checkbook to her.

 

You nor anyone else has to settle for anything

[road]

I hear through your words, FTL, the hope that she might be sincerely remorseful at some point, but I think everyone is telling you it would be way TOO SOON to give her that pass now.

 

I have always had that question, however: When do you decide they really deserve a second chance? All I know is that I did it ALL WRONG and suffered for it because I forgave too soon. It's a good question though...

 

Yes, tell her she needs six months of IC, be transparent,

live life as an open book, before you will even talk about

recovery.

[Just a Guy]

Hi FTL, reading your last post was an eye opener much like having an AHA moment. You have revealed a perspective which was not as clearly evident in your previous posts. It is as if you were withholding the harsh truth from the rest of us folks to protect whatever little dignity and grace remained with your wife. In view of this post I must admit that I was probably completely off track in my last post and the opinions and suggestions I made there are completely untenable. The picture of your wife that now emerges is that of a calculating wicked witch, if such creatures ever really existed. The sooner you can erase her from your memory the better for your sanity and well being. She is a deeply flawed personality and sadly, she does not recognize that. I wonder what your ages are presently? My guess is that you ate around 38 or 39 and she is around 45. That would put her bang in the menopausal bandwidth which, in terms of libido and sexiness puts her in an ever downward spiral. I think this may be one of the reasons she is desperately trying to claw her way back to you.

 

Having said this, I think you have much to look forward to as a single recently divorced man. I guess you yourself would like to attend IC to help you get over this breakdown in your marriage and also to address some of your own issues. I think the more important matter is that before plunging into another relationship that you carry out due diligence to ensure you do not get entrapped in another unhappy marriage. You should go out and enjoy your singlemanship and not be in a hurry to get into anything serious. As Blues says there are plenty of hood ladies out there who would cherish and value the sterling qualities that you would bring to the table and he should know! While it is understandable that you do not want to have anything to do with your stbx wife, in the interests of good co parenting, you will have to learn how to be cordial with her going forward. Warm wishes

[FloatingThroughLife]

You are right on the money with our ages.

 

What I said about my wife is pure speculation. She hasn't ever been to a counselor (despite me asking her to go for years) and that is not an official designation. It is just what I truly believe she is. I asked my mom for an unbiased opinion (I know, by nature it will be biased) but she feels my assessment is correct. Even mutual friends of my wife and I have said that they have tried to talk and reason with my wife for years about not allowing the kids to do chores because they would just do it wrong, and even before the affair they tried to talk her out of her "funk" and to come talk to me first before doing anything she would regret.

 

I know that my posts are going to be biased, but I am trying to be unbiased with all of you to get the best possible advice I can get. I feel like I have shared what my faults were, and I feel like I have taken ownership of them and worked on them a lot the last few months. The LS community has been my saving grace and I just can't thank you all enough. I feel like a changed man and I can't wait to start a new life for myself and my kids without my wife in it (as much as possible anyway, I know co-parenting will require some contact).

 

As for dating, I am definitely not ready and not even thinking about that right now. I don't see myself getting involved with another woman for a very long time, probably years. Maybe never again. I really don't know. I have a lot of soul searching to do for myself now.

Edited October 5, 2017 by FloatingThroughLife

[FloatingThroughLife]

I asked my counselor yesterday if she thinks my wife is a narcissist and if I have been gaslighted throughout our marriage. Obviously she can't really know unless she sees my wife for many sessions 1 on 1, but the few times she has seen my wife, the things that my daughter has said to her, and the things I have said, she feels that my wife is not sophisticated enough to gaslight me, and that it's more likely she has borderline personality disorder and a very low sense of self worth.

 

She thinks that there was probably some trauma in my wife's childhood and she never really matured emotionally from it. My wife did say something that I still remember on DDay--she said "He asked me things that you never bothered to, and never wanted to know." I'm assuming this is my wife saying I never really asked much about her past. I do know that her father abandoned the family, and she did have problems with bullying in middle and high school and boyfriends that took advantage of her.

 

It's true that I never really dove deep into talking about my wife's past. I don't really know why, other than I have never been much of a talker.

 

I don't think any of this is going to change my mind about the divorce, but I wanted to share this because it sounds like the assessment of my wife's behavior was wrong. I do wonder--if my wife had gotten the therapy she needed all these years I asked her to go, would we be in a very different place right now? Would we have had a happy marriage? I will never know.

[BluesPower]

Think about this... Whether you counselor is correct or not. Whether she is BPD or NPD, it really does not matter.

 

She is a grown woman, and she chose to cheat on you and your marriage and your family. She did that.

 

She could have said she needed help, she could have filed for divorce, she could have done a lot of things, but she chose to have an affair and disrespect you in the most horrendous way that she could.

 

What is more, all the while that she is acting like she wants to reconcile the marriage, she puts all the blame for HER affair on you in every possible way.

 

And let's not forget that she is still sleeping with her boy friend when she is not blowing smoke up your butt.

 

So whether she is BPD or NPD does it really matter? I don't think that it does.

[Mr Blunt]

FLT,

Take actions that will benefit YOU!..Your wife has proven that she is not going to help you but is still making free will choices to damage your life.

 

You have already made the decision to put her out of your life so force yourself to stop thinking about her and keep your distance from her. Save yourself as she and nobody else is going to.