I pushed her to her breaking point and she cheated on me

[road]

I switched my direct deposit into a separate bank account last Friday. My wife noticed today when she was paying bills. She's super pissed. Should I have told her beforehand? I told her to give me a list of what bills need to be paid and I will pay them, but she's demanding I pay them with her tonight. She's saying I created a mess and she's not playing games. She's asking what else I am hiding. I'm scared about how tonight is going to go.

 

Stay calm dealing with the WW. She is trying

to make it hard for you to go through with the

divorce.

[Marc878]

You need to look at her as not your problem anymore.

 

After what she is and done why are you afraid of her.

 

Cut your codependency and move forward.

[Marc878]

I switched my direct deposit into a separate bank account last Friday. My wife noticed today when she was paying bills. She's super pissed. Should I have told her beforehand? I told her to give me a list of what bills need to be paid and I will pay them, but she's demanding I pay them with her tonight. She's saying I created a mess and she's not playing games. She's asking what else I am hiding. I'm scared about how tonight is going to go.

 

It's what you should have done. You have to protect yourself.

 

Why in the hell does it matter what she thinks?

[usa1ah]

I switched my direct deposit into a separate bank account last Friday. My wife noticed today when she was paying bills. She's super pissed. Should I have told her beforehand? I told her to give me a list of what bills need to be paid and I will pay them, but she's demanding I pay them with her tonight. She's saying I created a mess and she's not playing games. She's asking what else I am hiding. I'm scared about how tonight is going to go.

 

Why!

 

She can rant and rave all she wants. She is screwing someone else. Tell her that you are preventing your money from being used by her for the affair she is having.

[FloatingThroughLife]

I'm not worried what she thinks, I'm worried about what she will do... I will try to remain calm and not say much, but hold my ground.

[FloatingThroughLife]

When I got home she wasn't here. She's at the OM's apartment. She called me on the phone and said she will talk to me tomorrow. She asked if I could "talk like an adult." I said I am an adult. She asked if I thought she was going to withdrawal all our money and go on a shopping spree. I said I don't know, all I know is I can't trust you. She said what else are you hiding from me? I said I wasn't hiding anything, and I'm not the one that broke our marriage vows. She said that yes, I did break some. I don't really know what she means by that.

 

She also reiterated for the n-th time that "This whole situation isn't what you think it is, but you won't talk to me about anything, and you don't know what's going on." How can she still be in denial about what is going on? What could she possibly say that I don't already know? It makes no sense.

 

I guess she's going to start getting really nasty really quick around here.

Edited October 19, 2017 by FloatingThroughLife

[road]

When I got home she wasn't here. She's at the OM's apartment. She called me on the phone and said she will talk to me tomorrow. She asked if I could "talk like an adult." I said I am an adult. She asked if I thought she was going to withdrawal all our money and go on a shopping spree. I said I don't know, all I know is I can't trust you. She said what else are you hiding from me? I said I wasn't hiding anything, and I'm not the one that broke our marriage vows. She said that yes, I did break some. I don't really know what she means by that.

 

She also reiterated for the n-th time that "This whole situation isn't what you think it is, but you won't talk to me about anything, and you don't know what's going on." How can she still be in denial about what is going on? What could she possibly say that I don't already know? It makes no sense.

 

I guess she's going to start getting really nasty really quick around here.

 

Why are you playing games?

 

Why are you not calling her out on why she

is spending the night with the OM?

 

Telling WW that you know she is spending the

night with the OM is not telling her how you know.

 

WW is always blaming you for ending the marriage.

Tell her she has ended the marriage by not going

NC with the OM.

 

Tell her.

[aliveagain]

 

I am a man-child. I fully admit that I am weak, and I hate responsibility.

 

You need to confront her regarding her other man, you need to end this, getting out of infidelity should be your priority. Your in a war, two of them panning against you, a man-child is the wrong persona to send into battle, level the playing field and lawyer up. It is time to end the charade.

[Clay]

She has no right to direct access to your money. If you are and were the sole provider in the relationship you do need to pay the bills. Talk to your lawyer about a separation agreement while the divorce is pending. Get it in writing that she is responsible for her own well being. You don't need her to show you the bills. You can contact all those companies and start getting a change of address. Have them sent to a PO box. Also if you changed or opened an account for your direct deposit make sure this is in a different bank as in company from the ones you previously used. Explain to them your going through a divorce. They can make sure that if she tries to gain access to your money she will have to go through you and the courts.

 

I would start taking any thing valuable to you out of the house and putting it in a storage shed. Your right she will get more aggressive. You also need to start carrying a var on you at all times. Don't engage in her in any discussion about your financial obligations until you talked about it with your lawyer. If she tries to press you just say please give me the bills you have received to so I can pay them. If she presses you for money then walk away. Don't engage.

 

Once you have a separation agreement from your lawyer give it to her and tell her if she needs you can have your lawyer send it to her lawyer. Once again never act aggressive. Always stay calm and leave at the first site of any argument. She will say horrible things. She is a horrible person that does not want to take responsibility for herself. Her affair will always be your fault in her eyes. Her believes are not yours. Her way of thinking is not your problem. If she says something horrible reply " I am sorry you feel that way. Perhaps it is better that we go through attorneys or a mediator so we can feel we are both being treated fairly and walk away."

 

Stay strong your on the right path.

[Marc878]

You can't cut contact you'll just stay lost.

 

The only one that can keep you where you are is you

[merrmeade]

 

I am a man-child. I fully admit that I am weak, and I hate responsibility.

 

You need to confront her regarding her other man, you need to end this, getting out of infidelity should be your priority. Your in a war, two of them panning against you, a man-child is the wrong persona to send into battle, level the playing field and lawyer up. It is time to end the charade.

No, just no. Not the male taunting tactic again. It's mean and ineffective. It assumes he can just suddenly man up and stand up to her. Have you noticed he has a hard time with that??? So how the hell is challenging and ridiculing him LIKE SHE DOES going to help?

 

Granted I stopped reading this some time ago after he was told it's time to confront and still he didn't confront her. I mentioned, probably some others, that it's weird to keep monitoring her visits to OM but still pretend you don't know. Meanwhile she pretends she's not doing anything wrong and, not only keeps you on the defensive, but demeans gaslights and generally bullies you. You have all this evidence and you still are afraid of her. Now it's not just me and a few others but EVERYONE telling you that ALL the cards are in your deck, you have nothing to fear, you should play your cards already. And still you hesitate with the excuse that she'll do something vague.

 

I don't know who can give the confidence and value dation to believe that you ARE worth it and owe it to yourself to man up to her. But i do believe that throwing your words back in your face is just more of the kind of ridicule that she uses to keep you down. You are going to work at this and get stronger. Don't be discouraged by negatives

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I am coming around to the belief that the OP is keeping his options open about getting back with his wife. Either that or he is physically afraid of her and wants the house sold and the shares in it divided equitably before he confronts her. There can be no other reason for him hiding the fact that he knows she is still seeing the OM, from her. It is true that once he does that she is going to bare her fangs and come after him with all guns blazing. Maybe he is scared for the right reasons. Only time will tell.

[road]

No, just no. Not the male taunting tactic again. It's mean and ineffective. It assumes he can just suddenly man up and stand up to her. Have you noticed he has a hard time with that??? So how the hell is challenging and ridiculing him LIKE SHE DOES going to help?

 

 

Why?

 

It works for his WW on him?

[Just a Guy]

Hi road, your quote is that of Merrmeade and not aliveagain. I think you got it mixed up. Warm wishes.

[aliveagain]

One thing I have learned from being on this and other sites is people who are truly remorseful tell the truth when confronted, broken people who fake remorse keep secrets. Your wife is fake and you need to deal with her as you would any other creep that threatens your family. She doesn't deserve your kindness.Your healing won't start until you take yourself out of infidelity. I know how hard it is to be in your position but believe me when I tell you, it will get better once you take the necessary steps.

[merrmeade]

 

Why?

 

It works for his WW on him?

-and THAT is exactly why you don´t do it. It´s not helping him get any better. Just keeps him having this knee-jerk reaction to the same cruel banter. It´s unmanly as an argument and as an act. Like using fear and threats to make a child obey. And as any elementary teacher will tell you. It doesn´t work as well as teaching what you DO want.

[merrmeade]

One thing I have learned from being on this and other sites is people who are truly remorseful tell the truth when confronted, broken people who fake remorse keep secrets. Your wife is fake and you need to deal with her as you would any other creep that threatens your family. She doesn't deserve your kindness.Your healing won't start until you take yourself out of infidelity. I know how hard it is to be in your position but believe me when I tell you, it will get better once you take the necessary steps.

True thing. But you can have both¨-- Tell the truth about the main thing when confronted but keep the how far for how long details secret.

[merrmeade]

Hi road, your quote is that of Merrmeade and not aliveagain. I think you got it mixed up. Warm wishes.

Un uh. Ask road. He used my quote to ask - albeit sarcastically - why not ¨taunt¨since it works for his wife. I got it but over-explained again anyway. The point is for OP that he should do it for himself not reactively imo..

[road]

Hi road, your quote is that of Merrmeade and not aliveagain. I think you got it mixed up. Warm wishes.

 

You are correct. Somehow the double quote caused

me to make an error in shortening the post.

[FloatingThroughLife]

Yes, I am definitely scared of her. She has always known the exact right things to say to steer a conversation in her favor. I do not possess this skill and every time I talk to her, I flail to find the right words to say and she always finds a way to turn them against me and I get flustered and upset.

 

I am afraid that if I get nasty with her by holding my ground, she's going to get nasty right back, and fight for full custody of the kids, and be able to sway the judge on her side because she is so good at manipulating conversations in her favor.

 

One other thing I'm really confused about is that you guys tell me to do the 180 and don't talk to her about anything but the kids, and let her go be with the OM and be happy, not let it bother me, but then you tell me to confront her about the infidelity. Really all I want now is to move and get the divorce over with and get her out of my day to day life, because every day I have to see her or talk to her just makes me sick.

[S2B]

Then see an attorney to see what your rights are.

 

When you file for divorce request to have the kids at least 50% of the time. Agree on a strict set schedule so your interaction with the exW is minimized.

[Just a Guy]

Hi FTL, if you face a problem in verbal communication with her then just use e-mail as a mode of conveying any and everything that you have/want to convey to her. You can let her know that she has been carrying on her affair all this while and still pretending that she is staying on her own or with a friend or whatever. Tell her you have proof that every time she spoke to you she was at the OM's house. Do not tell her how you know. She knows she was there and that is all that matters. Tell her you are done with her lies and manipulations once and for all and you want your life back. Tell her this will be the last meaningful communication from you to her and she does not have to reply. Tell her you are moving on and so should she.

 

After this e-mail, if she calls or confronts you give her monosyllabic answers unless it is about your kids. I would suggest that even for your kids you communicate via e-mail. I do hope you have a lawyer for anything that may have a bearing on your divorce or related problems. For any communication about divorce and custody, let your lawyer do the talking. Warm wishes.

[JS84]

As long as you don't reveal how you know, I think it's fine to let her know that you've known the entire time she's full of **** if that's what you want to do. At this point in your situation I don't think it matters. It might shut her up a bit or it might make her behavior a bit worse. Who really knows. Whether you let her know or not is entirely up to you.

 

I personally think you should just keep it to yourself for the time being. Any potential reward from telling her to me isn't really worth risking a reliable source of information. You might get some emotional satisfaction by taking some of the wind out of her sails but it won't last long. And yes part of the 180 means not talking about the affair, emotionally charged topics, etc.

 

But like I said, at this point I don't think it matters too much one way or the other. Your wife is bat**** crazy regardless.

[FloatingThroughLife]

My wife wrote the OM a letter. I am absolutely, positively, without a doubt, PLAN B. I have included some choice excerpts below. I wish I could say I am surprised by what she said to him, but instead it just makes me feel like a worthless piece of garbage. It makes me realize just how little I have meant to her all these years and that hurts even more than her lying and betrayal.

 

People have told me I need to let go and let God show me the way. But God hasn't given me the answers. I still have to make choices. Sometimes I think he shows me signs, like the time when I left your place after making love, and saw that beautiful rainbow.

 

I made the choice to follow my heart when we started seeing each other. My brain kept saying "What the hell are you doing???" But my heart took over. It didn't say anything, it just felt. It overwhelmed me. You and your love for me entered my heart, my soul, and my body. I don't have any regrets about you.

 

My love for you is so ****ing intense!!! I hate to use that word but can't define it with another! Of all the years I've been with FTL I've loved him with my heart but I love you in the deepest depths of my soul!!! The passion is beyond reality! When we make love I feel we are truly one soul! I've never felt that way about anyone ever!!!!

[40somethingGuy]

My wife wrote the OM a letter. I am absolutely, positively, without a doubt, PLAN B. I have included some choice excerpts below. I wish I could say I am surprised by what she said to him, but instead it just makes me feel like a worthless piece of garbage. It makes me realize just how little I have meant to her all these years and that hurts even more than her lying and betrayal.

 

People have told me I need to let go and let God show me the way. But God hasn't given me the answers. I still have to make choices. Sometimes I think he shows me signs, like the time when I left your place after making love, and saw that beautiful rainbow.

 

I made the choice to follow my heart when we started seeing each other. My brain kept saying "What the hell are you doing???" But my heart took over. It didn't say anything, it just felt. It overwhelmed me. You and your love for me entered my heart, my soul, and my body. I don't have any regrets about you.

 

My love for you is so ****ing intense!!! I hate to use that word but can't define it with another! Of all the years I've been with FTL I've loved him with my heart but I love you in the deepest depths of my soul!!! The passion is beyond reality! When we make love I feel we are truly one soul! I've never felt that way about anyone ever!!!!

 

How did you get ahold of this letter? I must say that it was hard for me to read and I feel for you. But it is telling of her character and how her kids even don't matter compared to this guy. But someday she will come to see that he isn't all that- his shyte stinks and will have annoying habits. Hopefully the kids will see what SHE did and YOU were the one that stuck by them. All for some crazy feeling that will simmer. She threw her family away. I know you feel like garbage but really her actions show where the garbage lies.