I pushed her to her breaking point and she cheated on me

[Cullenbohannon]

Your STBX? behavior is very strange. Based on her letter, she is with the love of her life, making passionate love daily and is divorcing her husband. Why isn't she ecstatic? Why are the lovebirds not making plans for the future?

 

Perhaps she sent that letter and the response was less than spectacular.

 

Then she sent the make up text to you, asking you to be patient with your response. Instead, you immediately replied "I dont think so" and a complete breakdown ensued.

 

Another, less than spectacular response. Reality rears its ugly head.

 

When a monkey swings from one branch to another, (s)he release the vine once safe on the other. Your wife released the vine and the one she latched on to broke.

 

Now, the mad scramble for the original vine.

 

Expect some very interesting "changes in circumstances" in the near future.

[whichwayisup]

First off, get your kids away from this situation. they do not need to see their mother having a break down like this! Ship them off to your parents place or a trusted friend/neighbours house.

 

Get your wife assessed. She is either pulling a fast one on your for attention/ aka manipulation or she truly is ill and needs professional help fast. fact that her work called and told someone to come pick her up just shows how messed up she is. DO NOT believe a word she is saying when she says she's fine.

[Marc878]

You can't leave it alone. So you'll continue to linger on.

[road]

She came out of the closet (literally--I do not mean she is gay!) at about 1:40 am after which I was finally able to get a little sleep. I was in a panic when I posted last so I didn't get a chance to say why this (probably) happened.

 

My wife sent me a text yesterday saying that she wanted to go to marriage counseling. She asked me not to reply to her because she was getting ready for work and "can't handle it" if I reply. I told her that I was sorry but I had to reply. I told her that she and the OM are in love with each other and she should go be with him so she can be happy. I told her she wouldn't be happy if she stayed with me and she knows it. I asked her to let me go.

 

She didn't say anything else and then all this stuff I said in my last post went down a few hours later.

 

 

If FTL, would tell his WW that he will not go to MC is

 

BECAUSE SHE IS STILL SEEING THE OM.

 

Your refusal to tell WW that the divorce is on because

she has not stopped banging the OM. Everyone knows that

seeing a MC during an active affair is a waste of time and

money.

[wmacbride]

op,

if she keeps this up, get your kids out as soon as you can. Children shouldn't be dragged into something like this.

[usa1ah]

This evening, someone from my wife's work called me and said someone needed to come and pick her up. They didn't say why but stressed it was important. My father agreed to do it, but when he got there, she said she was fine and not to worry (though she was crying in her car at the time).

 

She did drive herself home early and has now locked herself in the master closet. It's a keyed lock because we keep medicine in there away from the kids so I have no way of getting in other than removing the door hinges or breaking it down.

 

The kids and I tried to get her to answer by banging on the door repeatedly, and after about 5 minutes she finally answered "Leave me alone." The kids are freaked out. I don't know if she's suicidal or not. I don't think she is, and I pray to God I'm not wrong.

 

EDIT: I said in a loud voice "The kids are worried about you. I am leaving the room but please open the door and talk to them." She let my son in and afterward I asked if she's okay and he said that she told him "You don't need to worry about me, daddy is the one that should be worried." Well I am, sooo, mission accomplished? I was seconds away from calling 911. I think she's having a nervous breakdown. I've never dealt with anything like this my entire life. What the hell is she doing?!

 

I think the OM kicked her to the curb after the letter she sent to him.

[usa1ah]

She came out of the closet (literally--I do not mean she is gay!) at about 1:40 am after which I was finally able to get a little sleep. I was in a panic when I posted last so I didn't get a chance to say why this (probably) happened.

 

My wife sent me a text yesterday saying that she wanted to go to marriage counseling. She asked me not to reply to her because she was getting ready for work and "can't handle it" if I reply. I told her that I was sorry but I had to reply. I told her that she and the OM are in love with each other and she should go be with him so she can be happy. I told her she wouldn't be happy if she stayed with me and she knows it. I asked her to let me go.

 

She didn't say anything else and then all this stuff I said in my last post went down a few hours later.

 

The other man broke it off I think.

 

Do not cave in if this is the truth. She is not in love with you. She might not have anywhere to go now. The only safe harbor is your home if I am right.

[afoolto no end]

I strongly suggest you tell your ww that you know she is still seeing the OM, and that she isn't being honest about anything. Give her the dates and times.

That you can't ever trust her now after all she has done and continued to do.

She needs to accept the truth of what she is doing, not telling her you know keeps her in that Lala land that she can have you back after she has her fun, or worse yet still keeps him on the side.

She can't move forward until she knows the truth of what you know.

Tell her you ask her to stop seeing him and she lied about it all, the chance is over.

She needs to understand she can't lie anymore to anyone about what she is doing.

I agree allowing this is hurting your kids. Believe me when I say she is spinning this to be all your fault in your kids eyes. The truth needs to be told.

What can she possibly say then, what excuse could she possibly use.

This is not your fault and she is trying to make you take the blame.

You don't have to explain how you know just that you do know the truth.

She knows when she was there with the OM. She will lie about it but she will know you know the truth.

It's the classic story where the OM really didn't sign up to keep his OW, just wanted the fun of the sex.

Don't kid yourself if he was willing she would be gone.

[road]

I strongly suggest you tell your ww that you know she is still seeing the OM, and that she isn't being honest about anything. Give her the dates and times.

That you can't ever trust her now after all she has done and continued to do.

She needs to accept the truth of what she is doing, not telling her you know keeps her in that Lala land that she can have you back after she has her fun, or worse yet still keeps him on the side.

She can't move forward until she knows the truth of what you know.

Tell her you ask her to stop seeing him and she lied about it all, the chance is over.

She needs to understand she can't lie anymore to anyone about what she is doing.

I agree allowing this is hurting your kids. Believe me when I say she is spinning this to be all your fault in your kids eyes. The truth needs to be told.

What can she possibly say then, what excuse could she possibly use.

This is not your fault and she is trying to make you take the blame.

You don't have to explain how you know just that you do know the truth.

She knows when she was there with the OM. She will lie about it but she will know you know the truth.

It's the classic story where the OM really didn't sign up to keep his OW, just wanted the fun of the sex.

Don't kid yourself if he was willing she would be gone.

 

Do you like banging your head against the wall?

 

Telling FTL to tell his WW anything is the equivalent of head

against the wall. He will not tell her anything.

 

This refusal to tell his WW that he knows shows that he just

likes the drama because he consistently refuses to help himself

to get his WW to go away.

[afoolto no end]

we all know how tough infidelity is on us, what makes sense to us sometimes makes no sense to them. But we keep trying, I think it would be good for his WW to accept reality of what she is still choosing and what she has ended(her marriage) by doing so.

Not telling her gives her some kind of deluded hope and she will not be able to move on with any life, I think someone else said it that the OM has not lived up to what she believed he would be for her.

She is just trying to play both ends of the stick. But her heart is with the OM, if he gave her the red light she would be gone today.

We have all hurt over the same loss FTL is feeling and we all know it isn't easy.

FTL waywards say a lot of ugly mean things trying to sell themselves to their OM?

They rewrite history it's classic behaviour. It doesn't mean it's true, your life, your family with her was real.

She probably scared the OM silly with her gushing, even he didn't see it like she did in her fantasy. Sad waywards can get so distorted that fantasy thinking makes them act like fools.

That they throw everything they are and were away.

Telling her will help her if you truly are worried for her, reality the truth is the only answer that should stand now in all of this. Lies are what hurts everyone involved, the truth sets everyone on a path to a new beginning a new way.

[merrmeade]

Do you like banging your head against the wall?

 

Telling FTL to tell his WW anything is the equivalent of head

against the wall. He will not tell her anything.

 

This refusal to tell his WW that he knows shows that he just

likes the drama because he consistently refuses to help himself

to get his WW to go away.

I disagree. I think his refusal to tell her that he knows is because he's dreading her inevitable reaction. Her narcissistic entitlement, of course, will kick into overdrive and she'll scream at him for spying. I think that's what he needs help with. This is why I think role play is helpful. He has a history of submission and self deprecation in response to her blame shifting. What does he say is the reason he, for once, felt entitled to take this initiative? Hint: infidelity

[road]

I disagree. I think his refusal to tell her that he knows is because he's dreading her inevitable reaction. Her narcissistic entitlement, of course, will kick into overdrive and she'll scream at him for spying. I think that's what he needs help with. This is why I think role play is helpful. He has a history of submission and self deprecation in response to her blame shifting. What does he say is the reason he, for once, felt entitled to take this initiative? Hint: infidelity

 

His refusal to tell his WW is because he is being true to form.

He has never stood up to his WW and he never will.

 

Him telling his WW the truth will set him free. He is separated

from her. Let her rant. Just don't answer her phone calls. Just

don't open the door if she shows up, then call the cops on her.

 

Burst her bubble that she has the power to still manipulate him.

His silence on the truth still enables her to think the way she has

handled him the past is still going to work for her.

[waterwoman]

His silence on the truth still enables her to think the way she has

handled him the past is still going to work for her.

 

Who cares? She can think what she likes. FTL is standing firm. Her reponses are irrelevant now.

[road]

Who cares? She can think what she likes. FTL is standing firm. Her reponses are irrelevant now.

 

We all should care because the goal is to get her to realize

that the fork has been stuck in her, she is done. So that she

does shut up, go away, and leave FTL alone.

 

Telling her is the catalyst to get rid of her the fastest way

possible.

[Timshel]

Only FTL can choose a stop point. He is the one who decides enough is enough and it has no contingency on anyone but himself.

 

The children are far too involved in all of this. If there is only one decision to make today Floating, please let it be that your children have no further involvement in any dysfunctional drama between your self and wife. What they are seeing and hearing is not acceptable.

 

If she is upset, ask her to leave. If she locks herself in a room, have the kids away to a friend or relative and call 911.

 

In my opinion, it is time that you tell your wife to leave the home as she has continued the affair. Make arrangements for her with her family if need be...just get it done.

 

You two are scaring the crap out of your children and scarring them for life.

[Cullenbohannon]

I strongly suggest you DON'T tell your STBX anything. Just let her have her rope. Looked at the insight you have gained. You have a HUGE advantage. By no means should you give that up.

 

You don't want to confront, don't, but continue the divorce. You dont want the manipulation, dont listen, but continue the divorce. You dont want to live in drama, continue the divorce and the drama will end. Protect the children, but stand firm and continue the divorce.

 

Soon she will wake up bewildered because the other Dday has come.

 

Divorce day.

[FloatingThroughLife]

I would like to reply to several of you because there are a lot of unanswered questions that I need to clear up. After that I will give you all an update. Sorry for the wall of text.

 

Forward the letter to her parents and siblings. Let them read for themselves what a winner she is.

 

Her parents already know. Her father basically told me that he f**ked up his own life, and now she's f**king up hers. Her mother is very religious and has been telling her for months and months what a mistake she is making. She is the one that convinced my wife to tell me about the affair in the first place. If she hadn't, there's a very good chance that I'd still be completely clueless about it, so I thank her mother for being level headed and got through to my wife in that regard.

 

Have you exposed everything to the other betrayed spouse yet? If you haven't do it immediately. Doing nothing gets you nothing but the same.

 

There is no point. Yes they are married, but she kidnapped their daughter and lives across the country with another man already. I don't even want to open that can of worms...

 

Seriously? She saw a rainbow after making love with him and leaving the house and that's a sign? If she sees one after taking a dump, what is that a sign of?

 

LOL thank you for this! Made my day!

 

Ewww. FTL, what week is this post d-day? You've been here since JULY and you're sharing with us a letter from your wife to OM like THIS??

 

I feel sure there were pages of this thread devoted to the No-Contact letter. THAT is the only letter she should have written to the OM - like 4 months ago - and you should have mailed it. What the hell, FTL? I'm really disappointed that you're STILL putting up with this bullshyte from her. She's still in a quandary about whether to "let go" for pete's sake? And you're standing by, what, observing??? You actually read that "we are truly one soul" line and are still asking questions??

 

Honey, I'm in a quandary, too. Completely stumped about what to say or how to help you. I thought I was slow, but you are not even moving. This is beyond the pale and just not okay for you and your personal value, sense of self, manhood, self-respect and general happiness.

 

Maybe you're not asking the right questions because I don't think we're getting through at all. Someone needs to convince you that you are worth much more and deserve to start over. You are losing more and more of yourself every day by tolerating her callous disregard and abusive treatment.

 

It starts there - by picking yourself up, looking at the facts, and ACTING on YOUR behalf with conviction and purpose. If you can't do it yourself (and no one is blaming you), get some professional help because you needed out of there a couple of months ago. You need a PLAN.

 

I feel like I have made a lot of progress personally, but last week was a pretty huge set back for me with the house going up for sale and that letter she wrote. Overall I think I'm actually doing pretty well. All of my work colleagues and family are commending me on how strong I am and how well I'm keeping everything together. You guys are getting a lot of my vulnerable side because I'm gushing here, but for the most part, I'm appearing strong and resilient to the outside world. Even my wife says I'm a different person now.

 

I think your struggling on letting go. There is nothing wrong with that as long as you keep it internal and on these sites. You don't want to show that to her. One way a person can see this is your still following her and keeping tabs on her. You still have access to all her accounts. In order to really let go you have to stop watching her. Stop engaging her on anything relationship related. There is nothing wrong with defending yourself if she pulls the "Why wont you give us another chance speech?" This would be a great opportunity to lay it all out for her. You could show her the letter. You could show her you know where she is going. You could take the 15 minutes and lay it all out for her that you know she is still a lying cheating xxxxx.

 

To some degree this might actually help you feel better. It might not. Everyone handles this different. I showed my xW once. That was it for me that last time. After that I shut down. I didn't show her nothing. Anytime she opened her mouth I just told her I didn't believe anything she had to say and she will always be the person I know she is now. Amazingly enough it helped me sever ties to shut down. It helped me to deal with raising my four kids on my own. She never lifted a finger other than sending 50 a month for support.

 

You are going to have to find your own balance of what works for you. The first thing I think you need to is to separate yourself from her as much as you can. Like really where are you at on your divorce? If its not filed then move forward with a separation agreement. At least get that in place so you can leave the house for now. I hate to say this but sell that house as fast as you can. Everyday she is still in it give her a chance to suck more life out of you.

 

Split your accounts. Don't give her anything but the bare minimum to live on money wise. Go to the store and buy the food yourself if you need to. Don't allow her to have access to anything she doesn't need as your stbxw.

 

This is not easy for any of us. It just seems that way since we are all out of infidelity now. You need to take a deep breath and understand we are here for you. So if you need a break then take it. We will still be here.

 

C

 

This post really helped me the other day and I wanted to thank you for writing all that. I mean, ALL of you are helping me, but this one especially calmed me down.

 

The only reason I am still monitoring her is because I need to keep reminding myself that this person is no longer the woman I loved all these years. Every time I read a message she sends to OM or see where she went for the day, I see who she really is now. Someone that doesn't care about me in the slightest, regardless of what she says to me.

 

I am also still monitoring her because it gives me the upper hand in knowing what kind of crap she's going to pull on me next so I can come up with counter arguments beforehand.

 

Have you filed yet?

 

1) have you filed for divorce yet and if not why not?

2) What is the reason the you won't tell her that you know everything and tell her to shut the hell up.

3) What type of custody plans do you have, are you going for full custody?

 

BluesPower, your post (which I didn't fully quote because it was a long one) really helped me too. I'm sorry for what you had to endure in your own life, and I appreciate you sharing it here. Thank you for that.

 

Allow me to answer Marc's and your questions.

 

1. I have not filed yet. I have the paperwork printed out but with the house and everything else going on, I haven't had time to actually look at much of it yet. I did write a parenting plan, which I will explain in my status update at the end of this post. I know I should have filed months ago, but I promised my wife that we wouldn't discuss the divorce until after the house was sold. I know it's really stupid to uphold my word on that, but I have upheld it regardless. I will probably file this week or next week though, and I will say why in my update below.

 

2. I have told her. Update below.

 

3. I want 50/50 custody, nothing more and nothing less. Despite all the batsh*t crazy stuff I spew about her on here, she's a decent mom most of the time. I know that seems impossible after everything I've said about her on here, but it's true.

 

FTL, you have stated numerous times that your wife is a narcissist. If that is the case then your wife is INCAPABLE of true love. Her history is that she cheated on her boyfriend in Arizona with you; then she cheated on you with her current OM. She blames you for her betrayal, claims she loves the OM but is still trying to keep you and claims to love you. The foundations of love include loyalty, faithfulness, self-sacrificing for the one loved and your wife has none of those.

 

I said this in another post already, but I don't know if we can label her a narcissist. She most definitely has some of those tendencies, but when I went to individual counseling, the counselor said it sounds more likely that she has borderline personality disorder and an incredibly low sense of self worth. I think that's a big reason she's keeping me and the OM both in her wings because she wants us to fight it out so she feels better about herself. She has broken down crying to me many times for all the hurt she caused. Maybe she doesn't mean it at all, but if not, she's definitely putting on a good show for everyone. Let me also say that her words don't mean much to me because her actions are the opposite of her words.

 

Another suggetsion for you is to document all of her behavior. It may come in handy to have those notes at some point.

 

I am absolutely doing that. I've been keeping a journal since June, and even went back further to get dates, times, and locations of where she has been going all year. She's been to the OM's apartment 187 times since February!

 

Floating, the other man, he won't have her. He does not want to be with her in a 'real' relationship, full time.

 

I'm sorry, her tears and histrionics are not for you or family. They are the times that the other man tells her that he can't give her what she wants. She would be with him already if he did.

 

Agree with other's advice, stay the course and get yourself to individual counseling.

 

The OM is still in the picture. I really think that he is here for the long haul, but maybe after they live together a while he will have a different tune.

 

I got individual counseling, which really helped. She actually said that she doesn't see the need for me to have more sessions because I'm doing very well. This feeds back into what I said earlier about what my coworkers and family are saying. I've gotten so much great advice from all of you, and that is the reason I appear to be strong and holding it together to the outside world.

 

First off, get your kids away from this situation. they do not need to see their mother having a break down like this! Ship them off to your parents place or a trusted friend/neighbours house.

 

Get your wife assessed. She is either pulling a fast one on your for attention/ aka manipulation or she truly is ill and needs professional help fast. fact that her work called and told someone to come pick her up just shows how messed up she is. DO NOT believe a word she is saying when she says she's fine.

 

You two are scaring the crap out of your children and scarring them for life.

 

I think she was having a nervous breakdown the other night. I escalated the situation, which I now realize was a really bad thing to put my kids through. I was genuinely worried she was going to kill herself, and I was trying to show her that the kids were here and worried about her so she'd realize what she was giving up if she was really considering suicide. If that ever happens again, I know I need to get the kids out of there ASAP and call 911. I had never encountered a situation like that before and did not do the right thing, and I'm sorry I didn't handle it better for my kids.

 

Okay, update time.

 

The day after my wife's breakdown we had a very long conversation (also, side note, she went to OM's apartment for a quickie this day too). She told me I wasn't man enough to come pick her up when she was having her breakdown, and I should have come to get her, and since I sent my dad instead and didn't even call, I don't care about her. "You don't give a damn about me. That's a fact and you've proven that. I needed you! I cannot do it all alone!" she said. She told me that it was wrong of me to put the kids in the middle of the breakdown because it scared them. I agreed and said I was sorry to her about that, but I stressed that if she was feeling that way she should have gone ANYWHERE ELSE but home and that she was the one that initiated the scene in the first place.

 

She went on and on again that she couldn't trust me this whole time and that I should have told her I loved her and fought for her so she would know that if she tried to work on the marriage I would be there. She didn't want to waste 2-5 years more with me if I was never going to forgive her anyway. She also said that from her perspective, everything for me has been easy the last several months while she has been falling apart and wishes she were dead so I could be free of her. She said she's so humiliated that I told my whole family about her affair and that she has nobody for support.

 

I told her that I only informed everyone about the affair after I knew where here feelings really lied and after I was convinced that a divorce was our only option. I told her that she's been seeing the OM this entire time and she's been lying to me for months. She asked if I knew where OM lived, and I said yes and told her where. I told her that I saw her car there many times, including on my birthday and on father's day. I said that I shared the mini-book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair with her months ago, which tells you EXACTLY what to do, and that she did NOTHING in that book. I said actions are louder than words. She turned that around on me and said that I should have SHOWN that I loved her back then and I didn't give her any love or feelings or assurance that I could forgive her. I told her that if you really wanted this marriage to work, my actions at that time should not have made a damn difference because I was so hurt and it was all your doing, and even if I lashed out or hurt you, it shouldn't matter and you should continue fighting for me and make me feel SAFE and LOVED and do exactly as I asked. I told her the power was in her hands to end my hurting and she kept seeing OM over and over and lied straight to my face so many times and kept secrets. I said that you couldn't even tell me the truth that you had sex, and you said you wouldn't get an STD test because that would be admitting you had sex which was a lie. She said "you know nothing about that." I said EXACTLY! You keep hiding behind this veil of secrecy because you don't want to hurt me, but I need the truth! She said the truth wouldn't have made you stop hurting, and I said not seeing the OM anymore would though! She said I know, and I won't ever explain why I kept seeing him. I said that's part of the problem! You can't explain it!

 

I told her that I know this marriage will never work, and she knows it too. I told her that I don't know why she is even bothering trying to reconcile now. She said she didn't want to throw away the last 22 years and everything we've built and shared. I told her we both need to put it in the past and move on. I told her that she loves OM and he loves her so stop fighting it and think there's some kind of hope in this marriage, so go and find happiness with him because you won't find it here. I told her that the person I knew and loved and trusted the last 22 years was dead to me.

 

After all that we got down to business (not sex, lol!). We filled out the final paperwork for the house, which is now on the market. We went over my parenting plan which she mostly agreed with. I had to change a few things in her favor, but they were minor enough that I let them go.

 

She said she has been looking at apartments, but she needs a notarized letter from me that says how much I intend to pay her in spousal support so she knows how much rent she can afford. She played the pity card really hard at this point and said she wouldn't survive on her own, and that she sacrificed everything for me and the kids all these years. I said millions of single moms can do it, so can you. She said she has no help, no family, and that I have taken all that from her. I said she could get a studio apartment for a year and save up while they stay with me full time. She said she can't live without her kids. I said that she is not my responsibility after we are divorced. I intend to tell her that no, she can't have a notarized document, but we can file for divorce, which will tell you what the support will be.

[Mr Blunt]

I told her that I saw her car there many times, including on my birthday and on father's day. I said that I shared the mini-book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair with her months ago, which tells you EXACTLY what to do, and that she did NOTHING in that book. I said actions are louder than words.

You have stated a very powerfull fact in bold above.

 

With a betrayer, liar, and cheater you can only believe actions…Her actions have exposed her real self!

 

She said she has no help, no family, and that I have taken all that from her.

 

 

She still is blaming you for her willful selfish actions that damaged her in so many ways.

 

 

I would suggest that you have NO MORE talks with her concerning your marriage and relationship. No more talks about the past or the present; only communicate to her what you have to with the legal issues and children issues. There is no need to talk as her actions have told you all you need to know.

 

 

You will be struggling now and for several months but you can get better every month. A situation like yours is going to take a toll for a while because you have had many years with her and had children with her. However, if you do things right you will be so much better off than if you stayed with your wife that has caused permanent damage in the family.

 

As soon as you can make a weekly plan, monthly plan and a yearly plan for you to build yourself back up. Do you have a plan at this time?

[whichwayisup]

Spousal support? No way! She can go live with the OM and he can support her! Child support, yes but NOT SS. She's a fool. She isn't remorseful and she's not owning anything that she's done, she's blaming you. Her behavior is just awful and she is not the woman you married. That person is gone for good.

 

She can move into her parents house or move in with friends! Though I'm sure she'll spend most of her time with the OM.

 

Don't let her manipulate you or play the victim in this mess that SHE created!

[Marc878]

It's all poor me. Nothing about you or the kids life she blew up but you already know this.

 

Keep moving forward.

 

There's nothing left for you there.

[merrmeade]

I would like to reply to several of you because there are a lot of unanswered questions that I need to clear up. After that I will give you all an update. Sorry for the wall of text.

 

I feel like I have made a lot of progress personally, but last week was a pretty huge set back for me with the house going up for sale and that letter she wrote. Overall I think I'm actually doing pretty well. All of my work colleagues and family are commending me on how strong I am and how well I'm keeping everything together. You guys are getting a lot of my vulnerable side because I'm gushing here, but for the most part, I'm appearing strong and resilient to the outside world. Even my wife says I'm a different person now.

I think you are, too, and I am sorry I came on so strong. It's just that that letter to OM must have been so searingly painful for you, I just didn't see why you were putting yourself through it. But I kind of do now.

 

I see all the points about continuing to monitor your wife's activities without her knowledge of how and when you do it. But I wonder if a big purpose is to keep reminding you that you can't trust her. It's an intense way to do it, but given your history of abuse from her and contempt, maybe necessary.

 

It's a different timeline from most, but you've come a long, long way FTL. I'm glad you still have your honesty and openness. It's very touching that you wanted to explain and indicates that you are answering to yourself first and foremost. You're doing fine.

 

merrmeade

[sandylee1]

Floating,

 

You did well in your last conversation with her. I understand why you didn't say anything earlier about her still seeing the OM. It shows you whom she has become and you aren't under any illusions.

 

You've made your position clear to her. She knows it's a divorce for you.

 

In everything she says and does, she tries to manipulate you and control you. There was nothing wrong with her at work ... She put on an act to get you to feel sorry for her ... when you didn't show up (and sent your dad) it backfired on her.

 

Reading the letter also let's you know where her mind is.

 

Well done. I think you're doing great.

[JS84]

I usually come down on chat sessions like that because too many BS trip themselves up, move backwards, lost even MORE respect or reveal too much but you handled that flawlessly.

Edited October 29, 2017 by JS84

[afoolto no end]

FTL, I think you handled yourself very well, she will soon realize what she threw out, she will see the difference in what she has now, it won't compare.

She will now see all the faults the OM has and will keep having, how selfish he really is, she will be expecting mountains from him after all she has given up(crying the blues), he had better measure up.

It usually doesn't take long before she realizes he isn't that great, but it will be to late.

I think you did the right thing revealing you knew she was still lying and seeing the OM.

She really believed she was fooling you. She really believed she was smarter.

She will now have to do her own soul searching, she will have to get over the complaining and get on with the life she chose and thought was more important.

You are right she should have proved herself first, proved she made a mistake.

The affair needed to end first then the marriage could be worked on. But it is a waste of time with her head and heart being with him.

I am glad the details are taken care of and you can plan your new life, a new beginning being the best man and father you can be....

Don't let her f'ed up life change you. That is her train wreck not yours.

Make your life the best, be happy, show the world your strong and still have the same values you have always had.

I wish you all the happiness for the future.

[FloatingThroughLife]

I could use some advice here.

 

Today my wife took my daughter to the OM's apartment complex. Earlier this week my wife asked what I thought her moving into that complex, but not in the same apartment. I told her I couldn't stop her so do whatever she feels is best.

 

So, today she took my daughter there and I'm guessing it was either to hang out with the OM and his daughter for them to get to know each other better, or it was to show my daughter the new apartment she is getting.

 

My wife told me she was going to Walmart. When they got home, I asked my daughter "So how was Walmart? What did you get?" She said they didn't get anything. I said "You were there for 2 hours and didn't get anything? Did you go somewhere else?" She got very quiet and said they might have gone somewhere else, she doesn't remember. I asked her if mommy told her to keep a secret and she said no.

 

I didn't ask any further questions, but I don't like that my daughter is now lying to cover up for my wife. What do you suggest I do? I felt bad after I gave my daughter that barrage of questions and it was probably not the right thing to do--but at least I did it in a nice way without really putting pressure on her.

 

Do I just let it go? I get so flustered when crap like this comes up because I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing and later having it held against me.