I pushed her to her breaking point and she cheated on me

[Mr Blunt]

Originally Posted by Mr Blunt

FTL, I have asked you several times if you have a plan or what are you doing to build yourself up. You have not answered that question; are you going to answer that question? I can see that you have improved but you are still not strong enough to take needed stronger actions to get a LOT better. Take some of the actions that you have been given on this thread that have been going on for over 4 months with over 300 replies.

 

 

Are you doing everything legal to protect yourself and your children?

Are you doing everything that you can, with help, to keep your wife out of your life; in thoughts and in associations?

 

What are you doing to build yourself up and to keep your wife out of your thoughts and life as much as possible?

 

 

BY FTL

 

Yes I have been avoiding this question because I know nothing I say will live up to the expectations you have for me. You have been very hard on me for the last 4 months, and I thank you for that. Let me give an update.

 

I spoke with my wife for about 4 hours tonight. We finalized our parenting plan including scheduling, holidays, school choices, transportation, drop off/pick up times and locations, communication methods, vacations, everything. I don't think we left anything out. This was a HUGE step.

 

We also worked out our finances regarding the sale of the house, debts, assets, etc. She's getting way more than she deserves, but she is getting what she is entitled to in our state. If I wanted to take her to court and fight her, I could, but the lawyer fees would cost more than half my 401K, which is what she is entitled to anyway, so I'm just giving it to her so I can move on faster.

 

Since we got all that worked out, now I can finally fill out all the divorce paperwork and file and there will be zero gotchas, and my wife should not have any responses, meaning we can default and have everything said and done in 61 days. I am aiming to file this week or next, depending on when I can get legal aide to just double check and make sure I didn't miss anything in the paperwork.

 

She is looking for an apartment now, and says she is moving into the OM's complex. She says she is going to live "on her own" (meaning only her and the kids) for at least a year. Of course, since OM lives next door it doesn't really matter since he'll be popping in all the time (literally and figuratively) anyway. I just have to let that go.

 

The only other plan is where I will live, which has been determined, and work is well underway on that front. I will definitely be ready to move when the house is sold. Fingers crossed that will happen in the next month or two.

FTL,

I see that you have accomplished a lot in regards to your divorce, parenting, and finance situation! CONGRADULATIONS!

I have been very hard on you because I detest that you were so torn down emotionally by her. You described yourself as reprinted see below which shows that you had such very low self-worth…

 

 

Quote by FloatingThroughLife

I'm weak. I'm selfish. I don't deserve her. I just want her to be happy, even if it's not with me.

 

 

I so want you to be the exact opposite of what you described above…I know that you have come a long way from that post but I am hoping that that your self-worth and self-esteem can be much more improved.

 

When my wife torn me down I built myself up by doing things that allowed me to realize valuable I am. To name just a few, I went back to college and finished my degree, I got a lot closer to my other family members, I got serious about my faith and took actions to prove that I was improving in that area, and I got better at my job. These actions took away any thought that “I'm weak, I'm selfish, I don't deserve her” In fact I got to the point that I could really live with her or without her and I was contented and much more self-sufficient in many areas. THAT IS WHAT I WANT FOR YOU; to build up your self-worth and confidence.

 

 

 

You have already accomplished a good start on your legal issues and finances but your emotional state and your self-esteem is what I was mostly referring to.

Edited November 5, 2017 by Mr Blunt

[S2B]

If she has agreed then formalize the agreement and have it filed - before she changes her mind.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Originally Posted by Mr Blunt

FTL, I have asked you several times if you have a plan or what are you doing to build yourself up. You have not answered that question; are you going to answer that question? I can see that you have improved but you are still not strong enough to take needed stronger actions to get a LOT better. Take some of the actions that you have been given on this thread that have been going on for over 4 months with over 300 replies.

 

 

Are you doing everything legal to protect yourself and your children?

Are you doing everything that you can, with help, to keep your wife out of your life; in thoughts and in associations?

 

What are you doing to build yourself up and to keep your wife out of your thoughts and life as much as possible?

 

 

FTL,

I see that you have accomplished a lot in regards to your divorce, parenting, and finance situation! CONGRADULATIONS!

I have been very hard on you because I detest that you were so torn down emotionally by her. You described yourself as reprinted see below which shows that you had such very low self-worth…

 

 

 

 

 

I so want you to be the exact opposite of what you described above…I know that you have come a long way from that post but I am hoping that that your self-worth and self-esteem can be much more improved.

 

When my wife torn me down I built myself up by doing things that allowed me to realize valuable I am. To name just a few, I went back to college and finished my degree, I got a lot closer to my other family members, I got serious about my faith and took actions to prove that I was improving in that area, and I got better at my job. These actions took away any thought that “I'm weak, I'm selfish, I don't deserve her” In fact I got to the point that I could really live with her or without her and I was contented and much more self-sufficient in many areas. THAT IS WHAT I WANT FOR YOU; to build up your self-worth and confidence.

 

 

 

You have already accomplished a good start on your legal issues and finances but your emotional state and your self-esteem is what I was mostly referring to.

 

^^^This. I think it's great that so many people can find positive motivation and genuine care for this horrible situation. Outstanding. FTL, awesome job my man. God bless.

[Cephalopod]

He doesn't own a car and makes a little more than minimum wage also. I'm not trying to put anyone down that falls into those categories, I'm just comparing that to what she had with me, and it's a HUGE step down. Love conquers all right?!

 

 

 

Birds of a feather flock together. Your WW has chosen to live the rest of her life like a loser, so let her be a loser.

 

 

I think she is heading for a huge fall down the road. Once the shine wears off her new penny...and it will... be on the lookout for a meltdown.

 

 

Protect your children. Fight like hell for them.

[FloatingThroughLife]

You have already accomplished a good start on your legal issues and finances but your emotional state and your self-esteem is what I was mostly referring to.

 

Oooooh, I see! Well, a lot. I will first say that I know monitoring my wife's social accounts and GPS tracking is not helping me heal in the slightest, but I feel that it is necessary until the divorce papers are filed and her chance to respond has ended. I feel like I have read so much of what she has said to the OM now that it's actually making this whole process easier. She constantly vents to him about things I do or say that make her upset, and I just laugh because it's the last thing this guy wants to hear. Either that or they just share Pinterest love quotes with each other that make you want to puke. The latest one this guy sent to my wife said "Being someone's first love is great, but being someone's last love is beyond perfect." My wife is just eating this up. He's got her wrapped around his finger. It's pretty comical at this point.

 

Anyway, here's some bullet points!

• I recently completed an 8 week divorce recovery support group. It helped me a lot.
  
• I have been attending church with the kids on a regular basis for spiritual guidance and fulfillment.
  
• I had a few individual counseling sessions, and my counselor said she didn't feel I needed any more because I was "much more emotionally mature than my wife." Hearing a professional say that felt GREAT!
  
• I have been running 3 times a week and recently ran in my first 5K race with some friends from work.
  
• I have been hanging out with friends that I haven't seen in a while more often.
  
• I have been hanging out with my sister and talking a lot about this whole ordeal, as well as helping her through some of her own life struggles right now. I gave her a commitment that once my divorce is said and done, I will have A LOT more time to hang out with her. I've barely seen her since we had kids even though she lives a few miles away. My wife bad mouthed her every chance she got and I feel like I can really reconnect with her in a way that I never have, not even since we were kids.
  
• I have been making a budget and I'm going to try to save as much money as possible for myself and the kids. My wife did ALL the finances, and now I can finally do them on my own. I get to decide exactly how to spend my money without feeling guilty about it. It feels AMAZING.
  
• I have huge plans for how to raise the kids in my house when we move out of this house. I'm very excited that they will finally get an allowance and have chores on a regular basis. I'll get to do meal planning with them and I will get to set the rules. I will be the king of my castle!
  

[Cullenbohannon]

The difference between the first post and the last, is the difference between heaven and hell. I would not believe it was the same guy. It would be interesting to read your post a year from now.

[Cephalopod]

She constantly vents to him about things I do or say that make her upset, and I just laugh because it's the last thing this guy wants to hear.

 

 

The fact that what you say or do upsets her so much indicates that she actually still has feelings for you. Your opinion does matter to her. What you think of her actually still matters to her. One day you will be completely ambivalent, and once she realizes she has no more control over you she will finally realize how badly she messed up. She may never admit it to you, but her actions scream of a woman who knows she has screwed her life up, but there is no going back. She cannot undo what she has done so she is going to press forward.

 

 

 

I have been hanging out with my sister and talking a lot about this whole ordeal, as well as helping her through some of her own life struggles right now. I gave her a commitment that once my divorce is said and done, I will have A LOT more time to hang out with her. I've barely seen her since we had kids even though she lives a few miles away. My wife bad mouthed her every chance she got and I feel like I can really reconnect with her in a way that I never have, not even since we were kids.

 

 

My xWW completely alienated my family also. It took me a long time to rebuild my relationships with my sisters and brother after I divorced her sorry ass. This behavior is a common one amongst waywards it seems.

[Mr Blunt]

Anyway, here's some bullet points!

 

• I recently completed an 8 week divorce recovery support group. It helped me a lot.
  
• I have been attending church with the kids on a regular basis for spiritual guidance and fulfillment.
  
• I had a few individual counseling sessions, and my counselor said she didn't feel I needed any more because I was "much more emotionally mature than my wife." Hearing a professional say that felt GREAT!
  
• I have been running 3 times a week and recently ran in my first 5K race with some friends from work.
  
• I have been hanging out with friends that I haven't seen in a while more often.
  
• I have been hanging out with my sister and talking a lot about this whole ordeal, as well as helping her through some of her own life struggles right now. I gave her a commitment that once my divorce is said and done, I will have A LOT more time to hang out with her. I've barely seen her since we had kids even though she lives a few miles away. My wife bad mouthed her every chance she got and I feel like I can really reconnect with her in a way that I never have, not even since we were kids.
  
• I have been making a budget and I'm going to try to save as much money as possible for myself and the kids. My wife did ALL the finances, and now I can finally do them on my own. I get to decide exactly how to spend my money without feeling guilty about it. It feels AMAZING.
  
• I have huge plans for how to raise the kids in my house when we move out of this house. I'm very excited that they will finally get an allowance and have chores on a regular basis. I'll get to do meal planning with them and I will get to set the rules. I will be the king of my castle!
  

OUTSTANDING!!

 

 

Ok FTL, sense you are doing all the above then I am going to back off being hard on you. I did not know you were so active with all those very self-esteem building issues….The very best way to handle a woman like your wife is for you to have a very good life without her…You are on your way!

[dreamingoftigers]

Did you end up filing?

[FloatingThroughLife]

Hi everyone! I finally filed today!

 

It took a lot longer than usual because my wife and I were having disagreements about the child support payment. (I wanted to put her salary at 40 hours/week at minimum wage, she wanted to use her W2 gross pay from last year, which is way lower.) I am giving her more than she deserves, but as long as it's spent on the kids, I'm not going to argue about it anymore.

 

We are settling into our new place, but it's still got a long way to go. I am cooking meals several times a night and teaching the kids how to do stuff around the house more (laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc.).

 

I have the kids with me most of the time since my STBXW works most evenings, which is fine by me. My son doesn't even really like going over to her place, which I secretly relish.

 

I still have some nights where I get sad or lonely, and some nights where I get so angry at my STBXW that I wish she died instead of doing what she did, but I don't let those thoughts linger for too long. I still hate the fact that we have to co-parent and that she has to be part of my life in some capacity, but I think I am handling it okay.

 

For example, she came over to do taxes a few weeks ago and she started crying as soon as she saw me. She said she was going through old cards of ours. She said "I kept all the ones that were from me to you because I knew you'd just throw them away. I know you don't believe it, but there was real love between us at one point." I just shrugged, thanked her for going through all the cards and giving me the ones that were mine, and started working on the taxes.

 

I'd like to thank everyone on LS yet again for opening my eyes to what a worthless woman my STBXW is and getting me through this entire ordeal. I don't know where I'd be right now if it weren't for you all. Thank you.

[BluesPower]

I am so happy to here all that...

 

It sounds like you are doing OK if not well. I am proud that you got here.

 

So, so glad you are away from her as much as possible. Brother she is one of the absolute worst ones that we have heard of around here.

 

So happy for you...

[Yomachi]

He doesn't own a car and makes a little more than minimum wage also. I'm not trying to put anyone down that falls into those categories, I'm just comparing that to what she had with me, and it's a HUGE step down. Love conquers all right?!

 

It's such a pity you're not taking the middle ground between "everything is 100% your fault" and "everything is 0% your fault". Hopefully your evolution isn't complete yet and you'll see that you're not perfect.

 

At first you had too little self confidence, now you have too much.

 

Can I speak some harsh truths brother? Depending on how he's treating her, it's probably a step up, even if it's a step down financially.

 

She shouldn't have cheated, she should just have divorced you obviously (and by God trying to reconsile while continuing to go to the OM made me sick), but can I remind you since you seem to have forgotten:

 

- she worked 40 hours a week (at least that's what you wanted to put into your child support statements)

 

- she did all the housework (by your admission), while you did all the fun stuff with the kids and had the gall to complain 'she didn't care enough about her family to join you'? You didn't offer to help so she would have actual time to join you, no you simply insisted on her somehow finding time and energy to do all that ánd have 'fun'.

 

Oh, of course later in the thread you insist that it's her fault because she didn't teach the kids what the proper way was to help her do chores and/or critized how you did them. But that suddenly wasn't an issue when you started helping out when you tried to impress her how much you changed? Maybe, just maybe you were doing the chores she asked of you in a hurry (because you didn't see the point in doing them) leading to a crappy job?

 

- She apparently also did the finance work and the budgetting, which is a fourth job (I'm counting).

 

- She did those four jobs while being in pain, which you also didn't give a **** about because "she was a broken woman so I stopped caring at some point".

 

- She had to lay down the rules, while the kids were allowed to break them with you making you the fun parent and her the bitch in the eyes of her children. Do you think she liked that?

 

- When she complained (which she did frequently, again by your own admission) you didn't change at all.

 

Only when she was like screw this I'm out, you made any effort to change. And if you succeed with all your plans, and become a much better person, you've got her affair to thank. Because she did try to speak to you about some issues, and words didn't help.

 

"But she didn't complain about all the issues!" If you didn't bother to change to solve the issues she did complain about, why would she complain about other issues? There's simply no point.

 

You also isolated her from all her family and friends, shut her out emotionally yourself, and are surprised she's going to the only person who's still on good terms with her?

 

Your wife is getting her deserved bashing in this thread for being a no-good cheater (which again she deserved 100%), but I'm a bit ashamed people stopped calling you out for treating her like a live in housekeeper / accountant.

 

I'm hoping that if you ever find yourself in another relationship again you'll have learned from this experience.

[aliveagain]

Oooooh, I see! Well, a lot. I will first say that I know monitoring my wife's social accounts and GPS tracking is not helping me heal in the slightest, but I feel that it is necessary until the divorce papers are filed and her chance to respond has ended. I feel like I have read so much of what she has said to the OM now that it's actually making this whole process easier. She constantly vents to him about things I do or say that make her upset, and I just laugh because it's the last thing this guy wants to hear. Either that or they just share Pinterest love quotes with each other that make you want to puke. The latest one this guy sent to my wife said "Being someone's first love is great, but being someone's last love is beyond perfect." My wife is just eating this up. He's got her wrapped around his finger. It's pretty comical at this point.

 

Tell her you will be sure to let her know your your experience after you divorce her since your morals don't allow you to pursue other woman, single or married as long as she is still your wife. Tell her you'll pray for them that the promises they give each other stand up better then the promises you had(let her think about that, nothing like leaving her a little with a little peak into her future). 180, 180, 180.

Edited March 9, 2018 by aliveagain

[FloatingThroughLife]

It's such a pity you're not taking the middle ground between "everything is 100% your fault" and "everything is 0% your fault". Hopefully your evolution isn't complete yet and you'll see that you're not perfect.

 

At first you had too little self confidence, now you have too much.

 

Can I speak some harsh truths brother? Depending on how he's treating her, it's probably a step up, even if it's a step down financially.

 

She shouldn't have cheated, she should just have divorced you obviously (and by God trying to reconsile while continuing to go to the OM made me sick), but can I remind you since you seem to have forgotten:

 

- she worked 40 hours a week (at least that's what you wanted to put into your child support statements)

 

- she did all the housework (by your admission), while you did all the fun stuff with the kids and had the gall to complain 'she didn't care enough about her family to join you'? You didn't offer to help so she would have actual time to join you, no you simply insisted on her somehow finding time and energy to do all that ánd have 'fun'.

 

Oh, of course later in the thread you insist that it's her fault because she didn't teach the kids what the proper way was to help her do chores and/or critized how you did them. But that suddenly wasn't an issue when you started helping out when you tried to impress her how much you changed? Maybe, just maybe you were doing the chores she asked of you in a hurry (because you didn't see the point in doing them) leading to a crappy job?

 

- She apparently also did the finance work and the budgetting, which is a fourth job (I'm counting).

 

- She did those four jobs while being in pain, which you also didn't give a **** about because "she was a broken woman so I stopped caring at some point".

 

- She had to lay down the rules, while the kids were allowed to break them with you making you the fun parent and her the bitch in the eyes of her children. Do you think she liked that?

 

- When she complained (which she did frequently, again by your own admission) you didn't change at all.

 

Only when she was like screw this I'm out, you made any effort to change. And if you succeed with all your plans, and become a much better person, you've got her affair to thank. Because she did try to speak to you about some issues, and words didn't help.

 

"But she didn't complain about all the issues!" If you didn't bother to change to solve the issues she did complain about, why would she complain about other issues? There's simply no point.

 

You also isolated her from all her family and friends, shut her out emotionally yourself, and are surprised she's going to the only person who's still on good terms with her?

 

Your wife is getting her deserved bashing in this thread for being a no-good cheater (which again she deserved 100%), but I'm a bit ashamed people stopped calling you out for treating her like a live in housekeeper / accountant.

 

I'm hoping that if you ever find yourself in another relationship again you'll have learned from this experience.

 

I isolated her from her family? How is that my fault? She chose to stay, knowing what the consequences were.

 

She did not work when our children were infants/toddlers, and then worked 20-30 hours per week after that. While I agree that she shouldn't have had to do ALL the housework, I think she should have done most of it. I wanted to do the finances, but she would not let me, stating that I would screw it up. She was emotionally abusive for our entire marriage and chipped away at my self-esteem for over half of my life. When the house was in good shape and she was free to come do something with the kids and me, she wouldn't because she wanted "me time." I can understand wanting that sometimes, because I do too, but for anyone outside of our family, it looked like I was a single dad. She never came to anything. The problem is that she was anal about the level of cleanliness the house needed to be in at all times. She put more value in a clean house than she did in spending time with her family. What kind of mother is that?

 

Now that she's in another relationship, she doesn't have chronic pain anymore. Funny how it just goes away like that. She used it as an excuse.

 

She used me as a sperm donor and a bank, and once she got what she wanted, she stopped caring about me. We had a dead bedroom for years, and no matter what I did or how many times I'd talk to her about it, things would never change. So when I finally had enough and gave up showing her any kind of intimacy, she cheated on me. Even my mother told me that she never treated me with respect, or the way a loving spouse should.

 

I never said I didn't have faults. I do and I know what they are, but this divorce is 100% on her and her actions. I tried to reconcile and she threw away that gift, so I am leaving this marriage knowing that I did everything in my power to fix it.

Edited March 9, 2018 by FloatingThroughLife

[Yomachi]

Hey man, sorry if I came across as overly hostile.

It does sound like a ****ty marriage for both of you, and I do agree that the divorce is her fault. I think that in the end, you'd both be way more happy with other people anyway.

 

I mean, your children seemed to have seen the divorce coming, so there were clear issues.

 

But although your anger over the affair is understandable, I think we'd do you a disservice by simply cheering you on. It feels good to have yes men telling you what you want to hear, but it doesn't help us grow as a person.

 

I mean, for example, if I point out that first you said she worked 40 hours per week and told us how unreasonable it was that she wanted to fill in that she worked less than that, and that you're now saying she worked 20-30 hours per week, would you argue with me?

 

Or would you recognize that, being human, you're likely slightly biased towards whatever perspective suits you best in the moment? (I know I am)

 

I honestly think it would be most healthy if you would learn to let go of your anger, stop stalking your ex-wife (What's the point?) and just go through the divorce knowing you've got your morals intact.

 

I can see why people would track the movements of a SO if they wanted proof of infidelity (but if you're in the stage of wanting proof you should probably break up), but you've got your proof. Additional evidence isn't going to change a thing.

[FloatingThroughLife]

Just to clear some things up, I wanted to put 40 hours/week on the child support calculation for her because I feel she is capable of working 40 hours/week like every other adult on this planet. The first lawyer I saw said the court would assume this also. My wife, on the other hand, claims she can't find a full time job ANYWHERE despite putting in applications, and she can't get a second job, and whatever else she can think of for an excuse to be lazy. We argued about this at length, and I gave in and told her that we'd use her W2 gross pay from last year, which is far less than 40 hours/week. This means she is getting more money from me every month for the next 6 years. So essentially, even after divorce, she's still going to be taking advantage of me.

 

As for the snooping, I have not done that since the day we moved out of our house, which was over 2 months ago now. I got what I needed out of doing it, and I'm glad I did it, because I know what she's capable of now.

 

I'm not ready to let go of my anger yet, but hopefully some day I will. I know it's not healthy, but she has wounded me so deeply for so long that it's not something I can forgive anytime soon. It's not just the affair, it's the thousands of rejections and harsh words said to me throughout our whole marriage.

 

As for being human and biased, yes absolutely. I'm sure I've done that quite a bit in this thread. That being said, I think the overarching growth I've accomplished from the first post to now is a completely different mindset and outlook on life, and is a healthy one not only for myself, but for my children as well.

 

I can't tell you how good it feels to spend my own money how I want, to set my own schedule how I want, and to do what I want to do when I want to do it. It's a freedom I've not had in decades and it feels amazing.

[Adotta]

That's good. This is all good.

 

I just have one question.

 

Why have you not revealed that you know every single word of hers is a lie. Everytime she comes to you with talk about reconciliation you allow her to blame everything on you, when you could slap her with all the proof of her lies to shut her up. Everytime she tried to tell you it was all your fault and that she wanted to work it out you could have quoted her dick pick texts. That would have shut her up. Sure you would have lost the secret of where you got this info but at this point it's a done deal divorce so what do you care?

 

If the law was against you on this I could see why , but few states would charge you with anything for this.

 

Also why are you letting this harpy get more money out of you? She has shown you what she will spend the money on and I can assure you it won't be your kids.

 

In the end it doesn't really matter I guess but I always wondered why you didn't call her out cold turkey when she lied. You always just alude to the fact you know more. That left her feeling like your just guessing and she still has a chance to pull one over on you. Just asking.

[sandylee1]

I just went back and read your first post again....and not have you come a long way.

 

There's no doubt an affair was the wrong choice for her to make...but in the interest of self reflection it would help to take some ownership of the state of your marriage BEFORE the affair.

 

Here's a few things thst jumped out at me...so for your STBXW it must have been frustrating and infuriating.

 

I am a man-child. I fully admit that I am weak, and I hate responsibility.

 

She tried to tell me this multiple times throughout the years. ... I'd get defensive and would ignore her for a while until she calmed down.

 

I don't follow through with bedtime routines with the kids, I let them do whatever they want.

 

You'd really let the kids play video games for 14 hours? She must have felt like she had 3 kids at that point.

 

I agree she put too much focus on cleaning the house and would have been better off hiring a cleaner in order to spend quality time with the kid's activities.

 

If she was fed up feeling like the only one being an adult or doing the necessary jobs in the house...she should have told you this and instigated a separation...because I think that's the only thing that would have got your attention. Otherwise you'd have seen it as nagging...like all the previous times and no thing would have changed.

 

There needed to be a better balance where you BOTH spent time with the kids and BOTH took part in the household chores.

 

It's not a case of you do one and she does the other...like you described.

 

The affair is 100% on her...her behaviour post cheating is all on her...you did the right thing post affair and gained strength and stood up for yourself ...but for self development and healthy relationships going forward...remember your pre affair marriage had a lot of problems that you share a part of it.

 

Please don't think I'm beating you up...I'm just being objective.

[road]

That's good. This is all good.

 

I just have one question.

 

Why have you not revealed that you know every single word of hers is a lie. Everytime she comes to you with talk about reconciliation you allow her to blame everything on you, when you could slap her with all the proof of her lies to shut her up. Everytime she tried to tell you it was all your fault and that she wanted to work it out you could have quoted her dick pick texts. That would have shut her up. Sure you would have lost the secret of where you got this info but at this point it's a done deal divorce so what do you care?

 

If the law was against you on this I could see why , but few states would charge you with anything for this.

 

Also why are you letting this harpy get more money out of you? She has shown you what she will spend the money on and I can assure you it won't be your kids.

 

In the end it doesn't really matter I guess but I always wondered why you didn't call her out cold turkey when she lied. You always just alude to the fact you know more. That left her feeling like your just guessing and she still has a chance to pull one over on you. Just asking.

 

 

He can tell her what he knows. He does not have to prove to her

that he is telling her the truth. She knows he would be.

 

What he does not have to do, and must never do is tell her how he

found out the truth. All that does is smarten her up to close those

ways of him getting any more new facts, and her to delete those that

he has seen.

[FloatingThroughLife]

There's no doubt an affair was the wrong choice for her to make...but in the interest of self reflection it would help to take some ownership of the state of your marriage BEFORE the affair.

 

Please go read post #389 that I just wrote a couple days ago: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/627189-i-pushed-her-her-breaking-point-she-cheated-me-26.html#post7554650

 

I just have one question.

 

Why have you not revealed that you know every single word of hers is a lie. Everytime she comes to you with talk about reconciliation you allow her to blame everything on you, when you could slap her with all the proof of her lies to shut her up. Everytime she tried to tell you it was all your fault and that she wanted to work it out you could have quoted her dick pick texts. That would have shut her up. Sure you would have lost the secret of where you got this info but at this point it's a done deal divorce so what do you care?

 

If the law was against you on this I could see why , but few states would charge you with anything for this.

 

Also why are you letting this harpy get more money out of you? She has shown you what she will spend the money on and I can assure you it won't be your kids.

 

In the end it doesn't really matter I guess but I always wondered why you didn't call her out cold turkey when she lied. You always just allude to the fact you know more. That left her feeling like your just guessing and she still has a chance to pull one over on you. Just asking.

 

I didn't want to reveal how I knew what I knew, and I still don't. It was information that I needed to protect myself, and telling her what I knew wouldn't have made any difference. It might have made things worse. I was worried that she would try to take my kids away from me. She probably wouldn't have been able to, but that was my worry at the time. We don't need to rehash the past, but I think my STBXW and I will be better off in the long run if I just let it go.

 

I'm giving her more money because it's not that much more and I'll be just fine financially, and it's just not worth fighting over anymore. I know she's taking advantage of me, but at the end of the day it is money for the kids, so I'm okay with it.

 

He can tell her what he knows. He does not have to prove to her

that he is telling her the truth. She knows he would be.

 

What he does not have to do, and must never do is tell her how he

found out the truth. All that does is smarten her up to close those

ways of him getting any more new facts, and her to delete those that

he has seen.

 

I'm not snooping anymore. I haven't since we moved out. I have all the facts I need, and I never intend to tell her anything else. I'd prefer to not talk to her at all now, and I really haven't unless it's about the kids.

[Marc878]

I'm not snooping anymore. I haven't since we moved out. I have all the facts I need, and I never intend to tell her anything else. I'd prefer to not talk to her at all now, and I really haven't unless it's about the kids.

 

If you want this to work for your best interest.

 

Limit communication to text or email, kids or D only.

 

Don't answer phone calls. Let it go to voicemail and resond by text. If it's not about kids or D ignore.

 

Pickups and drop offs should be a 5 minute exercise with no engagement.

 

Might be awkward upfront but will become normal if you apply it fully

[sandylee1]

I noticed a typo that may change what I meant, so to clarify...

 

I just went back and read your first post again....and YOU HAVE come a long way.

[FloatingThroughLife]

Hi everyone. I thought this website was gone for good, and I'm glad I was able to come back here again.

 

My divorce is now final. My ex wife did not contest anything in our petition and has been very reasonable with co-parenting ever since we separated. I feel like we can work together to raise the kids in a healthy way. She's still with her AP and lives in the same apartment complex he does. I'm sure they'll get married eventually and I'll have to deal with that hurdle at some point.

 

I know I had faults in our marriage and I hope that I have grown and learned and won't repeat those mistakes in the future, if and when I ever find someone else.

 

I'd like to extend a final thank you to each and every one of you that gave me advice, gave me wake up calls, and kept me in check throughout this whole ordeal. DDay was just over a year ago, almost to the day, and I am now divorced. The difference in my mood, confidence, and outlook on life is like night and day from then to now. Thank you for helping me get through the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I don't know where I'd be without you all.

[Marc878]

Congrats. You are the one who actually had to do it. No one else.

 

You'd be wise to keep her separate. You'll move on and have a happier fuller life that way.

 

Never look back. There's nothing there

[Clay]

I am just so glad to hear you are finally out of that mess. I felt sick reading your post daily. I know it still hurts but trust me you will feel better in time. There are better women out there. It took me a while to really get back on my feet but it was worth the wait. My xW is still a walking disaster. Its amazing what my kids tell me some days. My current wife said my xw could be on the jerry springer show. I told her no I think even they have a limit on the crazy factor.

 

There is not a day that I am not thankful she is out of my life.

 

Good for you.