I pushed her to her breaking point and she cheated on me

[FloatingThroughLife]

I am still learning. I've re-read this entire thread and everyone's replies at least a dozen times already. I know I'm not to blame. I know I need to grow up and be a man. I am trying. The truth is that I have mixed feelings. Some days I turn into a sobbing mess. Other days I just feel nothing. Then other days I think about how life would be if my wife and I could work things out.

 

It's hard to express everything in a few paragraphs when we've been together for 22 years. She's such a big part of my life that I can't really remember what it was like before I met her.

 

I'm trying to be strong. I'm doing everything I can to be desirable. I washed the car and vacuumed it out, which she always complains I never do. I've been doing laundry, sweeping, mopping, yard work, shopping, cooking, all the stuff you're supposed to do as a team in a marriage. I am realizing what it means to be a man and take responsibility for being part of a family and marriage. I see it now in a way that I didn't before she had her affair. It's probably too little too late, but I'm still doing it for me and the kids. I am not doing it for her.

 

I got a haircut. I went to a movie alone last night for the first time in my life. I am hanging out with my friends. I am doing what I want to do without her. I'm trying to see what life is like without her, and while I am enjoying it in the moment, it is killing me that it's probably over.

 

She says she's sorry for hurting me, but like another person said in this thread, she's not really sorry--she has the power to stop hurting me and she isn't doing it. She's still in contact with the OM.

 

She is taking my daughter out of town next week to visit some friends. While she is out of town, I'm going to go to a lawyer and I'm going to talk to my parents about her infidelity. I have not told anyone about her affair and I want some emotional support from my family. When she gets back in town, I will most likely have the papers served to her.

 

Thank you everyone for showing me that this is not my fault and that I should respect myself first and foremost.

[usa1ah]

I am still learning. I've re-read this entire thread and everyone's replies at least a dozen times already. I know I'm not to blame. I know I need to grow up and be a man. I am trying. The truth is that I have mixed feelings. Some days I turn into a sobbing mess. Other days I just feel nothing. Then other days I think about how life would be if my wife and I could work things out.

 

It's hard to express everything in a few paragraphs when we've been together for 22 years. She's such a big part of my life that I can't really remember what it was like before I met her.

 

I'm trying to be strong. I'm doing everything I can to be desirable. I washed the car and vacuumed it out, which she always complains I never do. I've been doing laundry, sweeping, mopping, yard work, shopping, cooking, all the stuff you're supposed to do as a team in a marriage. I am realizing what it means to be a man and take responsibility for being part of a family and marriage. I see it now in a way that I didn't before she had her affair. It's probably too little too late, but I'm still doing it for me and the kids. I am not doing it for her.

 

I got a haircut. I went to a movie alone last night for the first time in my life. I am hanging out with my friends. I am doing what I want to do without her. I'm trying to see what life is like without her, and while I am enjoying it in the moment, it is killing me that it's probably over.

 

She says she's sorry for hurting me, but like another person said in this thread, she's not really sorry--she has the power to stop hurting me and she isn't doing it. She's still in contact with the OM.

 

She is taking my daughter out of town next week to visit some friends. While she is out of town, I'm going to go to a lawyer and I'm going to talk to my parents about her infidelity. I have not told anyone about her affair and I want some emotional support from my family. When she gets back in town, I will most likely have the papers served to her.

 

Thank you everyone for showing me that this is not my fault and that I should respect myself first and foremost.

 

Stop stop stop stop stop.

 

Stop trying

 

Stop chasing

 

Stop playing the pick me game. It never works. Never.

 

Work on you and only you leave your wife out of the equation for now.

 

Work on you.

[Marc878]

Man if you want out of this mess you're the only one that can do it.

 

Reflect back. Is this really what you want to stay in?

 

Full exposure without warning and let the chips fall where they may.

 

Don't worry about pushing her away. She's already gone.

 

Standing up for yourself and becoming a man will surprise you and everyone else.

[usa1ah]

Read " No More Mr Nice Guy ".

 

Go see a IC.

 

Work on you. You have no chance to save this relationship with out working on you.

[FloatingThroughLife]

Stop stop stop stop stop.

 

Stop trying

 

Stop chasing

 

Stop playing the pick me game. It never works. Never.

 

Work on you and only you leave your wife out of the equation for now.

 

Work on you.

 

I'm not playing the pick me game. I'm trying to do the 180, which says to try and be desirable. Am I reading it wrong? I'm doing it for me, not her.

[Marc878]

You're keeping quiet and not exposing was actually helpjng them hide their affair which just enabled it further.

 

Her other man looks strong. He took what he wanted while you stood back and did nothing.

 

In her eyes you are weak and pathetic. She can do what she wants when she wants and you just take it.

 

That's where you've put yourself

[aliveagain]

[quote=FloatingThroughLife;7362372

]She says she's sorry for hurting me, but like another person said in this thread, she's not really sorry--she has the power to stop hurting me and she isn't doing it. She's still in contact with the OM.

]

She is taking my daughter out of town next week to visit some friends. While she is out of town, I'm going to go to a lawyer and I'm going to talk to my parents about her infidelity. I have not told anyone about her affair and I want some emotional support from my family. When she gets back in town, I will most likely have the papers served to her.

 

Thank you everyone for showing me that this is not my fault and that I should respect myself first and foremost.

 

Sounds like she was shopping for your replacement, an exit affair. You need to expose their affair. Have you told the other man's wife/girlfriend? That's a must. Her pattern is to find a new replacement before she leaves the one she's with, you were the other man when she cheated on her ex in Arizona. If she'll do it with you she'll do it to you. You need to talk to a lawyer to protect your children, make sure she doesn't leave the state to be with someone else. She is a serial cheater, she's cheated on everyone she's been with so far. Friend, you need to expose her to everyone that has influence over her, she needs consequences for her actions. She needs to know your not going to be her friend after you divorce her, your new girlfriend or wife won't like that.

[QuietDan]

You're keeping quiet and not exposing was actually helpjng them hide their affair which just enabled it further.

 

Her other man looks strong. He took what he wanted while you stood back and did nothing.

 

In her eyes you are weak and pathetic. She can do what she wants when she wants and you just take it.

 

That's where you've put yourself

Reading some accounts about what wayward wives say about men who do not speak up and protest... Many seem to interpret that as the husband not really caring about them or loving them enough to care. In the wayward mind set, it doesn't come across as one adult trying to reason and respect the decision of one adult to another adult. It is usually interpreted as the Betrayed spouse doesn't care, so it is justified and appropriate to cheat with another man...

Or, at least, in many of the accounts that I have read by what the hurting betrayed spouses that are fighting through the pain of reconciliation often report that there former wayward cheating wives end up revealing to them.

However, in most of those cases, the wayward wives are actively trying to save the marriage and trying to do whatever it takes to save it.

[FloatingThroughLife]

I have not exposed her because I was hoping we could reconcile and it's really nobody else's business. I don't want to hurt her, and exposing her would surely make it impossible to reconcile. Everything seems clear cut on paper, but 22 years is a long time with a lot of memories. I'm not dismissing anyone's advice--I'm trying to take it all in stride and implement it as best I can. My emotions get the better of me but I'm trying to use my brain instead of my heart more often.

[Mr Blunt]

he is taking my daughter out of town next week to visit some friends. While she is out of town, I'm going to go to a lawyer and I'm going to talk to my parents about her infidelity. I have not told anyone about her affair and I want some emotional support from my family. When she gets back in town, I will most likely have the papers served to her.

 

Congratulations FTL!

You are taking some actions that are the right things to do and will help you. However, you need to do more because you are very low on self-respect. Get help from family, friends, faith, and professional help. In other words get all the help that you can because your emotions are shattered and you are way too dependent on your wife. She has completely shyt on you and you should stop rehashing your short comings, build yourself up, and MAKE HER ACCOUNTABLE!

 

Making her accountable for her walking all over you is the only chance you have at getting her to change. Have you made a plan for you to become more self-sufficient? Get with your sources of help, make a plan, and then decide that you are going to stick to that plan for at least one year. You can be so much better than you are right now with her or without her. You do not have to remain in a devastated and emotionally bankrupt state. Do not cop out as your quality of life depend on you getting better.

 

 

You can do it, millions of men like you have and so can you!

[Marc878]

You can't do anything as long as she's in the affair and exposure is about the only weapon you have. You don't want to hurt her but she doesn't mind hurting you does she.

 

You aren't using your mind and all. Your heart and emotions control you but no one can tell you anything.

 

How has what you've been doing worked so far?

 

You're stuck in the victim chair and refuse to get out of it.

 

The wife's affair is all on her but how you've mishandled this is on you.

 

Children should be proud of their father. How do you think they and others view you?

[kgcolonel]

I have not exposed her because I was hoping we could reconcile and it's really nobody else's business. I don't want to hurt her, and exposing her would surely make it impossible to reconcile. Everything seems clear cut on paper, but 22 years is a long time with a lot of memories. I'm not dismissing anyone's advice--I'm trying to take it all in stride and implement it as best I can. My emotions get the better of me but I'm trying to use my brain instead of my heart more often.

 

I know it sounds counter intuitive but exposing and standing up for yourself are your only hope here. She sees you as weak and someone she will pity if you don't step up and expose. If and when you expose, fully expect a S##t Storm from her because you have just grabbed the authority (many like to use power) in the R and she will both be shocked and become defensive. Like an inflated balloon which is not tied, allow her to run out of air before you have any meaningful conversations.

 

Also, on your note of not wanting to hurt her, was she worried about hurting you when she cheated? You're not trying to hurt her, you're exposing her actions. If she's done nothing wrong, then she shouldn't care about exposure....just saying.

 

Here in TX, we ask are you a Bull or a Steer???? For those who don't know the difference, it's pretty simple....

[Clay]

You really need to understand just how much damage your doing to your chances every day you don't expose her. See it doesn't matter what she does to you while its only her word. She has had all this time to start painting you as a bad husband and all you have done is beg for her to come back. Your the victim and if you don't start showing it then soon you will not only be divorced but you will fight with people all the time over the details over the divorce. If you really think she cares one bit about you just look at her actions. She is still seeing him. The only person that your time together has meant anything to is you.

 

I would take a different approach. I would expose her with the proof I could over via letters and emails. I would allow those people to reach out to you. Not go to them. I would at the same time as I was sending them out I would call her and calmly tell her your done. I wouldn't raise my voice. I would tell her that you know she is still seeing him and it no longer matters to you. You wish her the best in her new relationship. If she tries to back track I would just be calm and tell her you are no longer a option for her. I would then end the call with she should be receiving divorce papers soon and she is only to call you or text you with things directly relating to the divorce or children.

 

Don't give her a second more of your time and go out. Start making the best of your life without her. Your right it was 22 years and you can be proud of that. Those days are now gone and its time to find someone new and make a great life for yourself and your kids.

 

Your not the only person to have gone through this or make serious mistakes. You now know the truth so use it to help you cut her out of your life. The only way your going to control your path in life is if you take control of it completely.

 

C

[ericsvibe]

I don't know if you have looked into this or not, but you can file for legal separation, if you are still on the fence about the divorce. This will allow you to establish joint legal and physical custody of the children, and allow for separation of assets. Close out your joint bank accounts. Take her off of your credit cards. I'm going through the same process right now. You need to take the first steps to ending this. If she really values you, this will put her into gear to save the marriage.

 

 

It is a very simple process to go from the legal separation, to a full divorce. You also have the option of ending the legal separation if you reconcile. This protects you because it establishes what is yours. Right now, she can wipe our your bank account, and you can't do anything because you are married.

[FloatingThroughLife]

Today has been really hard. She went to a pain management clinic to try and get help for leg pain that she's had for years. It's something that I lost empathy for because I'd heard her say it hurts hundreds of times. I just feel like an ******* for dismissing her pain like it's nothing all these years.

 

I had to break the 180 today and wrote her a note. I told her that I hope she finds relief from her pain and that I will be thinking about her. I signed the note "Your Husband." I know you will all lambaste me for this. I was thinking about her and our whole situation today at work and just started crying.

[BluesPower]

Consider yourself lambasted...

 

FTL, at some point you will start to realize that even though you are a weak person, and you have your issues, you are not to blame for her cheating.

 

At some point maybe you will grow up and realize that trying to nice her back will never work.

 

You know it really is time for you to grow up and realize that if you do not stand up and be a man, no one is going to do it for you.

 

Please find something inside that will let you be a man.

[QuietDan]

Today has been really hard. She went to a pain management clinic to try and get help for leg pain that she's had for years. It's something that I lost empathy for because I'd heard her say it hurts hundreds of times. I just feel like an ******* for dismissing her pain like it's nothing all these years.

 

I had to break the 180 today and wrote her a note. I told her that I hope she finds relief from her pain and that I will be thinking about her. I signed the note "Your Husband." I know you will all lambaste me for this. I was thinking about her and our whole situation today at work and just started crying.

Hey, I understand and I get it. You still love her and care about her. That was a nice and decent thing to do. Stay true to yourself and your principles. This relationship isn't healthy or good for you to stay in as it is. It isn't good for you, it isn't good for her. There isn't anything good or healthy in cheating. This current situation needs to change in a possitive way. It might not be easy. It might be painful. On so many levels, cheating damages the cheater. 180 is tough love. It demands you to learn and live in a way that respects yourself. Love her enough to let her go. Holding on in a desperate fashion is destroying both of you. Yes, you are hurting now, you know it.... In so many ways she is damaging herself in so many ways. Like a radiation victim... She doesn't even know or understand just how bad she is hurting herself... It will take her a lot longer to wake up and recover from the damage she is doing to herself the longer it goes on... Respect yourself. Expect her to respect you. Treat each other with respect. If this isn't happening or possible, respect yourself and respect her enough to end this situation in a respectful and healthy way. Doing the right thing, will end her ability to continue to do the wrong thing in a hurtful and destructive way. In the long run, it will be better for both of you.

[FloatingThroughLife]

Thank you. I feel like an idiot but I can't help it. I love her.

 

Let's talk about exposure. It seems like my last resort if I want to have any hope of saving the marriage.

 

I've read a lot about it. There seems to be people on both sides, but the majority of what I've read says to do it because it's the only card you have left to play.

 

For Facebook, it seems impossible to contact OM's friends unless I friend them. Not sure how I would go about that. Same for OM's mother. The OM is not married and does not have any girlfriend as far as I know. As for my own friends, do I do this publicly on my wall, or just send it to my closest friends and family only? Maybe not even use Facebook but just use email instead? What about all my coworkers? Just the closest ones, or the whole company (it's small, <25 employees). It seems like it's most effective when you send it to everyone at once.

 

Do I say I want to try and work things out and to have everyone convince her that she is doing something very wrong, and that they should try to make her stay with me? She has already told me that she spoke with her mom and her best friend and they both think she should try and work things out with me, and she got in fights with them (or at least vehemently disagreed with them, I do not have details on these discussions). Is this a sure sign that there's no point in trying to save the marriage?

 

I will reread this thread again because I'm sure I was already given this advice. I'm just trying to stay afloat here.

[Jersey born raised]

You gave her every reason in the world to dirvorce you. Every reason!!!

 

You are finally trying to grow as a person. Grief does that sometimes, though rarely do the changes stick. So she is not necessary wrong in refusing to believe you will change forever.

 

HOWEVER: you gave her NO reason to commit adultery. That is on her and only on her. She had a choice between divorce and adultery she chose adultery all on her own. I hate the title of your thread. It almost seems you are seeking martyrdom and want the world to behold you.

 

So enough, talk about what you need to change in yourself. Let go of things you cannot control and focus on things you can change. Your note was fine, letting go is a process. Do not beat yourself up for small acts of consideration. Stay focused on you. As to exposure at this point, I sense it would serve little purpose providing her mother and sister know the truth.

 

I offered reconcilation once, on DDay. I told her "I am just as unhappy as you, stop the adultery and let's go to MC, but the adultery must stop". I left the house for several hours when I returned I asked if she had made a decision. She said "I can't". I told her then we are done. (note this was pre cell phones, I don't even know sites like this existed) I emailed three of her closets friends stating "x and I am divorcing. I am not asking you to try to talk her out of it only that you help her though it. I am concerned that the man she is involved with her will hurt her. He is a dry drunk." That was it.

 

So if you feel you must give an answer say only "I was a poor husband but how she ended it was wrong" and refuse to discuss any other details.

 

Note: dry drunk refers to an acoholic who drunk or sober still behaves as if they are drunk.

[QuietDan]

I don't know why I did this, but I did some investigation on her last night. She has been going to a friend's house many times a week for the last several months. I thought it was to vent to her friends about me. I decided to look up the work schedule of the OM and found he works nights starting at 11 pm. I did a stake out of the friend's place around 10:30, and sure enough, her and the OM leave the apartment together and she took him to work. I was secretly hoping she broke it off with him to try to work things out with me, but now that I saw it with my own eyes, I don't think I could ever take her back. I am hurt beyond words and just so furious.

 

Just to be clear on something here about this...

This was a booty call.

They have been doing a lot more than kissing and fondling her breasts.

Wild crazy anything goes sex for at least the last few months....

She might have been too tired and in pain to have sex with you the last 10 years...

However, she wasn't too tired or soar to spend her evening rocking his world a few hours to give him something to think about when he was at work...

You know that???

Right???

[FloatingThroughLife]

Yes, I find it hard to believe that she is telling me the truth about not having sex with the OM.

 

That is one of the reasons this has all been so hard. She says she hasn't felt desired or loved by me for a long time, yet she never talked to me about it. It's something that could have been easily fixed. But now we are here and I have all these mixed feelings. Some days I am positive I will divorce her, others I just want to take her back and forgive her.

 

GRRR.

[QuietDan]

....Several months ago, I noticed my wife was starting to let the house go. She was hanging out with friends after work (she has never done this as long as I can remember), she was going out and having fun. I was elated. She's finally taking time for herself to do fun things! Who gives a **** about the dirty house, just go have fun! I've been telling her this for years. It finally happened...

QUOTE]

 

Typically speaking...This is when she started to have sex with him and her emotional allegiance switched over to him...

At this point...

She started become distant... because she was emotionally distancing herself from you...

to be emotionally connected and intimate with you at this point would be cheating on the other man in her mind and heart....

....

Usually... this doesn't happen during platonic friendship or the flirting phase...

This usually happens after the physical affair has taken off and has been going on for a while....

 

Adult affair partners do not get away and destroy marriages just to hold hands and kiss... this isn't Junior High Love crush stuff...

Actually....

She is following the cheaters handbook almost to the letter...

There are countless other threads and posts from betrayed spouses who's waywards tell them they were only kissing and holding hands...

usually they find out a few months later that actually meant wild crazy three times a day sex encounters....

She is minimizing...lying...manipulating.... and ... otherwise... behaving like a typical wayward spouse after the physical affair has started....

Has she has been completely and honest, transparent, and truthful with you at every step of this over the last few months???? Do you think she would readily admit to you that on the first time alone encounter with him she did everything and anything with him?

Affair talk translation... Kissing = lots of crazy sex.

I have read hundreds... thousands... of threads and posts...

Usually, a wayward will only resort to telling the truth a measure of last resort in order to keep the betrayed spouse from pulling the plug and divorcing and ending the relationship.

It is a high stake poker game...

Usually they only break down to telling the truth when it becomes apparent that the truth is the only way to save the relationship.

Right now... she is acting like a very typical wayward.

Unfortunately, this affair sounds like it has both elements of a standard affair... and an exit affair.

This affair has gone public, your wife was in a confrontation with her mother over this.

Immediate family, possible a few select friends makes sense for going public...

Anything else doesn't really makes sense in your case...

If anything, going general announcement public will likely do more harm than good. It may also back fire on you.

Seems like her friend was at the very least is a passive partner in crime, quite possible and active partner regarding this affair.

She was providing a place...

Why???

Doesn't the other man have a place of his own?

Where was the friend? Joining in? At work? Going to the bookstore? Getting Coffee? Watching T.V. with headphones on so she wouldn't have to listen to the squeaking bed springs and your wife making other noises?

You don't think they were just getting together to talk politics and discuss the weather do you?

I guess they got tired of doing it in the car. Going to the motel got too expensive. His place too far from work....so, they get to spend more time together at her girlfriends place. Or his place doesn't allow for the required privacy??? Kids? Mother? Girlfriend? Wife?

[Mr Blunt]

She has already told me that she spoke with her mom and her best friend and they both think she should try and work things out with me, and she got in fights with them (or at least vehemently disagreed with them, I do not have details on these discussions). Is this a sure sign that there's no point in trying to save the marriage?[/QUOTE]

 

 

YES, she vehemently disagrees with working things out with you and your posts below are very strong signs that you are being greatly disrespected, rejected, replaced, and walked on.

 

I did a stake out of the friend's place around 10:30, and sure enough, her and the OM leave the apartment together and she took him to work. I was secretly hoping she broke it off with him to try to work things out with me, but now that I saw it with my own eyes, I don't think I could ever take her back. I am hurt beyond words and just so furious.

 

She says she's sorry for hurting me, but like another person said in this thread, she's not really sorry--she has the power to stop hurting me and she isn't doing it. She's still in contact with the OM.

 

I do not care how weak you say you are you are going to have to come out fighting like a pit bulldog or you will become a total emotional cripple. Your wife has forced this war and you have a choice to surrender or fight back. WHAT IS YOUR PLAN FOR GETTING STRONGER?

 

Stop crying and start fighting!

 

[FloatingThroughLife]

Right now... she is acting like a very typical wayward.

Unfortunately, this affair sounds like it has both elements of a standard affair... and an exit affair.

This affair has gone public, your wife was in a confrontation with her mother over this.

Immediate family, possible a few select friends makes sense for going public...

Anything else doesn't really makes sense in your case...

If anything, going general announcement public will likely do more harm than good. It may also back fire on you.

 

Can you help me understand why I shouldn't just tell everyone? Isn't this the only way I can show that I am the victim in this, and the only way that she might actually stop having the affair?

 

Seems like her friend was at the very least is a passive partner in crime, quite possible and active partner regarding this affair.

She was providing a place...

Why???

Doesn't the other man have a place of his own?

Where was the friend? Joining in? At work? Going to the bookstore? Getting Coffee? Watching T.V. with headphones on so she wouldn't have to listen to the squeaking bed springs and your wife making other noises?

You don't think they were just getting together to talk politics and discuss the weather do you?

I guess they got tired of doing it in the car. Going to the motel got too expensive. His place too far from work....so, they get to spend more time together at her girlfriends place. Or his place doesn't allow for the required privacy??? Kids? Mother? Girlfriend? Wife?

 

He has a daughter, so I'm guessing that's why she never went to his place (she did once overnight, but only once). It's also possible that she got her own apartment in the same complex as her friend, rather than actually using the friend's apartment. I do not see any financial trails for an apartment rental so I doubt that's the case, but it's not outside the realm of possibility. OM does not have a wife or girlfriend as far as I know. I'm not sure where the daughter is while he and my wife are at this apartment.

[Marc878]

Maybe when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired you'll take some action.

 

I think you've been played and walked on so much you've just accepted it as normal.

 

It's not