Is Sexting Cheating?

[reboot]

If it takes away from your relationship, it's cheating.

[PegNosePete]

I firmly don't believe my husbands sexting is anything more than sexting, as in I doubt it would lead to physical affairs. He typically sexted women in other states than ours.

Who are these women? Women he already knows (exes, "friends") or new women he meets?

 

If the latter, how does he meet them?

 

I have told my husband on numerous occasions that as long as he is honest with me and doesn't hide things from me, I am open to whatever.

...

Yet I find out after the fact each time. I think it's ridiculous that he hides something he doesn't have to hide.

You think it's ridiculous but you don't do anything about it?

 

He knowingly betrays your trust. He disobeys your specific wishes. You tell him he can do whatever as long as he is honest... and the first thing he does is go right off and be dishonest about it. So why do you accept that?

[BetrayedDad]

I believe sexting is cheating. That's an easy answer.

 

As far as divorcing over it, that's not such an easy answer. I believe that depends on many variables, since everyone's situation is different.

 

In my case, married 17 years and having 2 kids, I would almost certainly not divorce over sexting...but even then, it would probably depend on who the other person was and how easy it would be for them to meet IRL...i.e., do they live nearby or in a different country. Saying that, I would not be happy about the sexting and would certainly lose trust in my spouse.

 

In my case, my wife cheated on me for 4 years and I still questioned whether or not to divorce. It was way more than "just" sexting and we are in the process of divorcing.

 

At the other extreme, if I were recently married and did not have kids, then I would certainly divorce over it...in a heartbeat.

[LostNtrapped]

Who are these women? Women he already knows (exes, "friends") or new women he meets?

 

If the latter, how does he meet them?

 

 

You think it's ridiculous but you don't do anything about it?

 

He knowingly betrays your trust. He disobeys your specific wishes. You tell him he can do whatever as long as he is honest... and the first thing he does is go right off and be dishonest about it. So why do you accept that?

 

I'm not sure what exactly I can do about, besides leaving him. We have 2 kids and I am hesitant to leave based on him sexting. He finds women online that he doesn't know, not live anywhere close by. I'm sick of it, but is it really worth uprooting our children and putting them through experiences they don't need to go through, idk.

[road]

I'm curious what both men and women think of sexting. Is it cheating? Is sexting reason enough to divorce? My husband always said he didn't cheat, because he didn't physically go out and cheat. In his mind he was faithful. Thoughts on sexting?

 

Only time to write, Yes it is.

[PegNosePete]

He finds women online that he doesn't know

How does he find them? On a dating site? tell him it is 100% inappropriate for a married man to be on a dating site in any way shape or form.

 

As for what to do about it. You tell him, this stops now. You tell him that if he does is one more time then you will leave him.

 

And if he does it again, then you leave him.

 

Not just because of the sexting, but because of the lying, disrespect, deliberately and knowingly upsetting you, lack of boundaries, lack of trust, disregard for your feelings. Whether you think sexting is enough to leave him or not, that list certainly is more than enough. Tell him this.

 

If you don't then I'm afraid you're just going to have to put up with it and let him get away with it, because he's never going to stop as long as you allow him to continue. Why would he stop? He is having his cake and eating it. And you're handing him a plate.

Edited July 3, 2017 by PegNosePete

[Phoenician]

IMO anything that is not shared between partners is cheating ; I beleieve even masturbation when it affects intimacy between partners is also a form of cheating.

 

To answer the question If it is a reason to divorce , I would say yes if you are faithful to him and no deprivation/intimacy issues on board ...

 

-are you depriving him/ punishing him ?

[carhill]

Here's the rub, IMO and from, eh, dealing with such intimacies from back when 'sexting' was 'love letters'.....

 

1. The arbiters of what is inappropriate behavior in a relationship between two people are the people in the relationship or marriage. If both think sexting is cheating, then it is for them. If they disagree, then they have an issue to resolve or decide to move on.

 

2. Respecting number one, when dealing with them as an outsider, and accepting that one can always apply one's own standards of behavior to others one interacts with, that same caveat applies.

 

As example, I've had more than one, much more, of such contacts over the decades, including apparently sincere feelings of love and more crudely put desires, and, because it's words and not PIV sex, the author apparently does not consider such interactions an affair. I might disagree with that, and have, but still, for them personally, their perception controls and, since I can't read minds, I have no way of knowing if their spouse feels the same way unless communicating with them directly.

 

Hence, nowadays anyway, I fall back on validating their expressions but then returning to 'you all' or 'the family' or 'you and your H' etc, etc. That can be a challenge because, well, yowza, there be some pretty hot MW's out there. Still, regardless of what they think is appropriate, I make choices on what I think is appropriate for me.

 

So, sexting is cheating if the content is considered by one's partner to be inappropriate and one deceives one's partner in participating in the inappropriate behavior. One may disagree with one's partner on 'inappropriate' but that's a separate issue from deception.

[standtall]

Yes sexting is cheating. Any activity that a married person does with anyone other than their spouse that results in mutual arousal is cheating in my book. If the spouse is doing something that results in their arousal only...well at the minimum, that's just creepy.

[LostNtrapped]

IMO anything that is not shared between partners is cheating ; I beleieve even masturbation when it affects intimacy between partners is also a form of cheating.

 

To answer the question If it is a reason to divorce , I would say yes if you are faithful to him and no deprivation/intimacy issues on board ...

 

-are you depriving him/ punishing him ?

 

I am a very sexual person, and almost always down for it. He isn't, only when he wants to and is quite selfish in that area. It has pretty much always been that way.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I don't think you understand what I meant by more complicated. I firmly don't believe my husbands sexting is anything more than sexting, as in I doubt it would lead to physical affairs. He typically sexted women in other states than ours. I say that because this has been a pattern for years from him. He gets overwhelmed and goes and finds a female to vent to and sext, to pretty much deal with feeling how he does.

 

That being said sexting to me is cheating if it is something done in secret. I'm a very open minded and sexual person, I understand people have needs. I have told my husband on numerous occasions that as long as he is honest with me and doesn't hide things from me, I am open to whatever. He always says he doesn't want that yada yada, probably because he doesn't want me to do the same. Yet I find out after the fact each time. I think it's ridiculous that he hides something he doesn't have to hide.

 

So you would be fine with him sexting women all over the country as long as he's upfront about what he's up to. Is that what you're saying?

[hammyy2k]

I'm curious what both men and women think of sexting. Is it cheating? Is sexting reason enough to divorce? My husband always said he didn't cheat, because he didn't physically go out and cheat. In his mind he was faithful. Thoughts on sexting?

 

he did cheat and is just defending himself shamelessly instead of regretting his decisions which should give you enough grounds to terminate

 

you maybe even in limbo whether he physically had sex with her or not

[bct2017]

yes it is cheating and if the person doing it does not feel bad for doing it they also do not care about your feelings. Sexting can easily lead to the real thing.

 

Is going to a strip club cheating?

[LostNtrapped]

So you would be fine with him sexting women all over the country as long as he's upfront about what he's up to. Is that what you're saying?

 

 

Yes, had he have been honest with me from the start about this fetish or need..whatever you wanna call it. I'm an extremely open person, I'd be interested in an open marriage, he isn't open to sharing me or me sexting anyone else, that is why he hides his habit. Either way I'm done being lied to, I wish I could just pack up and leave but that will take some time.

[LostNtrapped]

he did cheat and is just defending himself shamelessly instead of regretting his decisions which should give you enough grounds to terminate

 

you maybe even in limbo whether he physically had sex with her or not

 

If he ever did, he would NEVER admit it to me unless he was forced to.

[reboot]

Is going to a strip club cheating?

 

I don't think so, unless you do naughty things with a stripper. Heck, I've been to strip clubs with two different girl friends, their idea. I assume that's okay?

[carhill]

Is going to a strip club cheating?

 

Gender neutral, it again would be up to one's partner or spouse as to how they feel about such interactions.

 

As example, one of my exW's friends worked for TDU in Vegas and she'd occasionally visit and take in the shows and interact with the (male) dancers away from the performances and I imagine with other males as well. It wasn't an issue for me. It might have been for another guy. Would she mind if I went to strip clubs? I didn't so that was never tested. We tended to be on the same page on that stuff. However, another couple could be completely different.

 

If the strip club is 'boys will be boys' and the behavior is one a guy's partner or spouse would otherwise not approve of, slippery slope. If, as in reboot's example, the partner or spouse went, or even suggested going, and enjoyed the behaviors, no issue and no need nor reason for deception so no potential for cheating with regard to that behavior.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Yes, had he have been honest with me from the start about this fetish or need..whatever you wanna call it. I'm an extremely open person, I'd be interested in an open marriage, he isn't open to sharing me or me sexting anyone else, that is why he hides his habit. Either way I'm done being lied to, I wish I could just pack up and leave but that will take some time.

 

Interesting.

 

And what stops you from playing online like he does? The fact that you'll have to hide it from him?

 

What would happen if you told him that you were sexting someone as well? Would HE leave you?

[LostNtrapped]

Interesting.

 

And what stops you from playing online like he does? The fact that you'll have to hide it from him?

 

What would happen if you told him that you were sexting someone as well? Would HE leave you?

 

I honestly don't find sexting to be a turn on. It was back when I was younger, but I'm 32 now and prefer the real deal. I bet he would be upset, but he wouldn't leave me as he doesn't see sexting is as bad as physically cheating.

[standtall]

 

Is going to a strip club cheating?

 

IMHO..no..creepy..some kind of expensive spank bank material, but not cheating

[Miss Peach]

If it's something worth hiding from your partner then it's cheating in my book. If it's something you've talked about and have OKed then it's not.

 

I was asked about it by a poly friend and it's OK between him and his wife. But it's not OK with BF so I told him no.

 

Gender neutral, it again would be up to one's partner or spouse as to how they feel about such interactions.

 

As example, one of my exW's friends worked for TDU in Vegas and she'd occasionally visit and take in the shows and interact with the (male) dancers away from the performances and I imagine with other males as well. It wasn't an issue for me. It might have been for another guy. Would she mind if I went to strip clubs? I didn't so that was never tested. We tended to be on the same page on that stuff. However, another couple could be completely different.

 

If the strip club is 'boys will be boys' and the behavior is one a guy's partner or spouse would otherwise not approve of, slippery slope. If, as in reboot's example, the partner or spouse went, or even suggested going, and enjoyed the behaviors, no issue and no need nor reason for deception so no potential for cheating with regard to that behavior.

 

I came very close to leaving my BF over this mentality and he's not completely out of the woods yet.

 

I wouldn't have had an issue if he came to me, talked to me about it, and we established what we both feel comfortable with. I have taken exes of mine to strip clubs. I have dated in poly circles guys with GFs or wives.

 

I had an issue with BF because he took dances, he became emotionally connected to the dancers, met some of them OTC, and lied by omission to me. I still am not sure if I want to trust him and continue the relationship some days. I don't think he physically cheated but the idea he would seek these things out behind my back and would have been hurt if I did the same hurt.

 

For me the only reason I stayed is I think he told me the whole truth and really seemed to take my feelings into account eventually after talking about it. He knows his behavior really hurt me and he wants to prove himself to me. If he hadn't taken my feelings into account I would have been gone in a second. I'm not sure if I'll get over the feeling of betrayal but he's really stepped up which gave me some sense he was serious. But it's going to take a long time to form trust and I wonder whether it just drove some of this underground although I don't detect it in his body language when I have asked him about it.