My Husband asked for a divorce

[TLArtist]

Hello I am new here and found out yesterday that my Husband of 15 years wants a divorce but it's so different then what I thought it would be. I figure this is a good place to post for some insight

 

Our history was essentially that we where together since we where 18 years of age. We have been our own best friends, me made it through long distance relationship together through college, got married, the whole thing.

 

It wasn't until the last 2 years or so that he began this push and pull between wanting to be in the relationship and pushing away from me. At the same time, he became more controlling in different ways but being persuasive with me in a way I felt it made sense(although I am realizing that this was not right). The therapist agreed that this was not something that he was doing consciously, but it was unfair to me because he was unsure of staying in the relationship and keeping me in limbo, and that my mistake was to be too passive. Therapist recommended on the Separation.

 

So we did that, and a month later my husband had realized what he was doing to me. He also realized that as much as he loved me from all his heart he felt that he never got that single life when he was younger, and that he can't fully commit to me. There is no specific woman and both myself and the therapist believe him. But he wants to be single, date(non serious) and experience the other side of the fence. He also realizes that for my sake I need to move forward and not wait.

 

At the same time, I have never seen a man so broken down(literally) and confused. He want's it all, but knows he can't have it all, so he chose. He was so broken down when he broke it off when he told me he couldn't drive, he couldn't stop crying(and had to stay over), and he says he feels terrible because he still loves me so much and is afraid of losing me. He was shouting how confused he was, and how this was literally breaking his heart. I never seen him so emotional but he knows that if we where getting back together the same issue would repeat, and he realized he was not treating me well as I deserved. His regret was not going to therapy sooner.

 

He thinks the solution is dating immediately, I told him that he needs to be happy with himself. That dating will be a short thrill and to go find himself and be happy with himself first. But I told him I can't change him. But that was my final advice to him. Told him to be happy. He said that he will seriously take the time to do that first before he dates.

 

That's the saddest part for me. He realized how supportive I was to him, and how he was not treating me well for some time. He also realized his mistakes to fix this relationship, but at the end of the day he is not committed enough to do it. I also wonder what it's like to live independently, but when the relationship went right(which was for a loooooong time), it was the best years we both had. It was worth that sacrifice. But he doesn't feel that way anymore.

 

It breaks my heart because I love him so much and he was my first. I am physically ill. I am trying slowly to take care of myself, but it's painful. It's the first time I will be fully independent, and I did sacrifice my career for him so there are a lot to figure out. And while logically I know I will find a way to be OK, emotionally my body just...won't let me move forward at this moment.

 

I dunno...I never realized you can have 2 people that love each other very much go through Divorce. It's just.....terrible. Sorry for the long post, and if there is some sloppy writing but it's all so fresh and raw right now. If anybody has any insight or advice, or just anything to help me get through this I would love to know.

Edited June 18, 2017 by TLArtist
spell errors

[carhill]

Any children?

 

IMO, don't drag it out. If he wants a divorce and has stated that to you directly, file and serve him next week. Make it real. That doesn't mean you will divorce, as that process often takes a long time to complete, but it means you hear him, validate his request and are supporting it.

 

My sympathies. Many members, including myself, have gone through divorces and some have reconciled prior to so you'll get a variety of opinions. Hopefully you'll find the input helpful. Welcome to LS

[elaine567]

He thinks the solution is dating immediately,.

 

I guess he has another woman.

Another woman who is "forcing" him to leave and who he probably loves and sees a future with and that is why he is choosing her, but he is very upset as it means the end of his marriage too.

His "dating immediately" will involve bringing her out into the open.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You don't mention if you have kids or not, so I'm assuming you don't?

 

I'd have a really hard time believing that there isn't anyone else already in this scenario. I've never actually heard of someone leaving a 15 year marriage just because they wanted to sow their wild oats. Usually there is someone waiting in the wings. Would you say, in general, your husband can be manipulative?

[carhill]

Yeah I saw some classic 'sour the milk' signs there but didn't want to jump to conclusions. Filing will make things real, not to mention bring in a professional who will be sure to scrutinize her sacrificing her career to support her husband's aspirations.

[TLArtist]

No kids. Issue is where I live, we have to be 1 year in seperation before divorce. So right now we are 1 month and a half in, plenty more to go. Thank you so much for the hospitality carhill

 

So as we have to wait it out, we are going to get things going in other ways so when the year is up we can fully divorce.

[carhill]

Since this sounds to be from a different jurisdiction than most if not all in the US, hopefully you can find a legal solution to any potential wasting of marital assets while in the year-long separation period.

 

My normal advice is file with mediation and/or MC always on the table and see it as a process.

 

Has he moved out? Since he wants to date, if he hasn't moved out, suggest he does. He wants to end the partnership so it's on him to move. That's a respect issue. Separation has consequences.

[TLArtist]

I really believe this isn't the case, and neither the therapist. When I asked him about it he was honest in saying that he thought about that, and tried to figure that out by paying attention. But he said there was no one in particular. He just didn't have the experience to date other women.

 

We both where really our first serious relationship. This doesn't mean that he can't be unconsciously finding a woman at work that he likes, and he doesn't realize it yet. I even confronted it with the Therapist and he also believes that he is just confused and doesn't believe in anyone in particular.

 

But at the end, it's still messed up and it isn't right for sure what he is doing.

[TLArtist]

We are going to talk to the therapist and see possible solutions, mediation being one of them. Thank you for the recommendation carhill. We are currently separated(we are both in different places), and we had a separation agreement that we both agreed with(that will have to be re-written/re-looked since now it went from a 3 month separation to a separation that leads to divorce).

 

I decided to move out because the work that I do is from home, while he has to be situated where we are. I can also be close to family for support. He said he will look at more therapy/self help books etc as I recommended before dating, but I don't think that will change anything.

 

But it's going to hurt. I will have to go to the house(different state) and pick up belongings, and going to court a whole year later unless there is another way. I wish there was a faster way.

[Fdb]

There is someone else in the picture already. He does love you but he loves another person also. He can not decide because one is he knows well and has all the comfort with; another is new and exciting, unknown but so lurking. You have no way to keep him unless he find his own way. He might be so scared that he is making a big mistake. Let him go. He may clear up his head quicker and you also will not waste your time to wait for unknown. Good luck.

[TLArtist]

He uses finances as source of manipulation. It makes sense but it doesn't seem right. For example, he would tell me to eat a certain purchased food because if not it goes bad. He would say that going to a trip is too expensive(but if he wanted to buy something expensive for himself it's fine). And so on.

 

During that time, I was just caged to work from home in solitude and every time I wanted to do something it was either finances(the exception would be paying for things like gyms etc. Something for health of the person). He also wished I would go out and to more specific things, instead of things I wanted to do specifically for myself. I would reason with him that he can't tell me how to spend my time, but he didn't support me for the things I wanted to do.

 

It wasn't until therapy he admitted that he hurt me, and that it wasn't intentional and how much he damaged the relationship. But I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that he did not do this on purpose, but good people can do terrible things. And I realized that I need to be more confident in myself and stand up for myself more.

[elaine567]

It wasn't until the last 2 years or so that he began this push and pull between wanting to be in the relationship and pushing away from me.

 

I could be wrong, but I guess this was when the affair started.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I could be wrong, but I guess this was when the affair started.

 

This was my thought as well. He was wrestling with himself and it had nothing to do with the OP.

[snflwrgrl]

Thank you for sharing your story especially when it is so fresh and raw. :'( You and your husband have been through a lot together during your lifetimes. Most of it does sound wonderful and worth saving. I commend you and your husband for seeing a therapist. Your husband sounds very conflicted. I'm glad you were able to talk him out of dating immediately.

 

When my husband left me, I too was physically ill. It was one of the most painful things I have ever been through. I'm so sorry! you are going through this. We saw our pastor and a Christian counselor and both provided the support we so desperately needed. They also provided us with valuable resourses. Do you have a pastor you can talk to? I also attended a class called DivorceCare. They are nationwide. Have you considered looking for something like that in your area? DivorceCare put me in touch with other women who were going through the same thing I was going through and it gave me the tools I needed to start the healing process. You are not alone! It took me a long time to trust my husband again but trust can be restored. I'm living proof. Please know I'll be praying for you and your husband during the waiting period. My boss used to tell me, "It's not over till it's over." Hang in there! I'm so glad you reached out!

Edited June 20, 2017 by snflwrgrl