Very casual

[boomerang]

Hi! Being in a 'very casual' relationship is new to me, but I'm giving it a try since I really like this guy. I asked what casual means and he said "calling you once a week and meeting up once a week, no expectations, no 'love' but 'emotional bond'". When we are together sometimes he appears angry, distant or indifferent and some other times he tries to connect, sometimes he shows some affection but usually not. He's not appreciative, never says anything to show that he likes me. Every time I'm about to break up with him he comes back strong and we don't split up. If he's not into me why is he hanging on, any insights? We discuss about 'us', so he's putting some energy in the relationship, but he doesn't seem to try to know me better or to establish an 'emotional bond' with me. He admitted that sometimes he holds back because he doesn't want me to think he's serious about me. Is there any chance anything might change, that he might drop his defences? I give him all the space he needs. Thanks!

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Is there any chance anything might change, that he might drop his defences?"

 

I seriously doubt it unless you believe in divine intervention...and even then the odds are against it. If a relationship is progressing in a conventional manner, feelings can develop over time. But this guy is playing major games with you, jerking you around, etc. and he's not into this at all except for the game.

 

Now, I will say, according to your post he was very honest up front. So the problem is definitely with you...not him. He is absolutely living up to the bargain he made with you. You are just not liking how this is shaking out. Maybe you are one of the 3 billion women on planet earth who are incurable optimists who think men will change.

 

If you are looking for closeness, warmth, romance, etc., you are barking up the wrong tree with this guy. Oh, yes, if you try to break up with him he'll get real romantic with you for a day or two. Try it.

 

But if you want to feel special to a man, to feel loved and wanted, it won't happen with this guy. Don't ask me what his problem is...talk to his shrink.

 

And while you're at it, ask the shrink why in heaven's name you would remain with a looney tune like this...one of the more unfulfilling situations I've seen in a while.

[boomerang]

Thanks, Tony,

 

Well, he wasn't actually honest from the start, but 3 months into the relationship (10 days ago), although things were weird from the beginning. I pushed him a lot to admit it.

 

You say "this guy is playing major games with you, jerking you around, etc. and he's not into this at all except for the game". So you think he's actually enjoying it? That he's consciously playing with my feelings? My thinking was he was just reacting compulsively to being 'trapped' into a relationship, am I being too naive?

[Miss Mojo]

hi boomerang,

 

this casual relationship has "convenience" written all over it...it is very convenient for him. while his honesty about what he wants here is to be appreciated, you will have to move hell and high water if you want anything deeper to develop. he is definite he wants no expectations, no love....no strings, basically. is that honestly what *you* want? i don't believe so.

 

he will connect whenever it suits him, whereas if you try to connect with him, he will back off. i think that sends a pretty clear signal in itself - he knows he won't overstep his boundaries, but he won't know if you want to. you obviously want to connect on a much deeper level than he does, and he probably senses that. this guy is able to switch his feelings on and off like a tap and not get too emotionally involved. he will never get too emotionally involved because he is sure that is not what he wants at this stage in his life.

 

he's putting energy into every aspect of the relationship that suits *him*. he more than likely "holds back because he doesn't want you to think he's serious about you", for that exact reason. he's not serious.

 

this guy is on such a good wicket here....all the space he wants, shows affection when he feels like it, indifferent when he feels like it, never compliments you etc.

 

i'd go so far as to say that he would keep taking you back time and time again, not because of deep emotional feelings, but because you are convenient to him. this guy is a player, and he probably will be for some time.

 

this is the kind of situation where i can see someone like yourself getting very hurt. the longer you stay with him, the more emotionally connected you will become, but he won't. this definitely does not have the potential to last or develop into anything. it's never going to be enough that you "really like this guy".

 

you should really do some soul searching here and figure out if you are capable of a casual relationship - and my guess is you're not.

 

best of luck to you

[Tony T]

So you let him jerk your butt around for three months. Why would you put up with his crap for that long?

 

Obviously he is enjoying himself. Why else would he be around? You are not enjoying yourself (or maybe you are.) Why are you sticking around? Why do you have further questions about this? Why aren't you calling him telling him to kiss your butt?

 

And, yes, you are way naive. Why would you even want somebody who felt "trapped" in a relationship if that's the problem?

 

The basic thing here is that you are NOT going to get romance and warmth and realness out of this guy. The fact that you are hanging in there indicates to me that you may be as afraid of being "trapped" as he is. Most women wouldn't have given him more than a week or two of treating them the way this guy has treated you.

 

Oh, well!!!

[Ashesmum]

I suppose this "casual" relationship involves sex? If that's the case you're just a lay in bed that he can get whenever he wants. He has been very truthful in telling you he's not serious and he doesn't want a "real" relationship with you. You need to realize this and decide if that's what you want. He's obviously getting what he wants out of this, but are you. If you're looking for a real relationship, you better go find someone that wants the same as you. confront him about what he thinks and tell him how you think. That'll help you decide if this "relationship" is what you want in your life.

Hi! Being in a 'very casual' relationship is new to me, but I'm giving it a try since I really like this guy. I asked what casual means and he said "calling you once a week and meeting up once a week, no expectations, no 'love' but 'emotional bond'". When we are together sometimes he appears angry, distant or indifferent and some other times he tries to connect, sometimes he shows some affection but usually not. He's not appreciative, never says anything to show that he likes me. Every time I'm about to break up with him he comes back strong and we don't split up. If he's not into me why is he hanging on, any insights? We discuss about 'us', so he's putting some energy in the relationship, but he doesn't seem to try to know me better or to establish an 'emotional bond' with me. He admitted that sometimes he holds back because he doesn't want me to think he's serious about me. Is there any chance anything might change, that he might drop his defences? I give him all the space he needs. Thanks!