When you like what you cant have?

[ZA Dater]

Lately I have taken a step back tried to assess where I go wrong with dating.

 

 

One of thing things I realised is I always tend to like people I would have little to no chance with. No chance in the sense I am never what they seem to want or I tend to value them on a higher level than myself.

 

 

Met someone the other day, very nice and had a great personality (I tend to really like personality for some reason) and I just find comfortable around her from the off which in itself is rare and its another characteristic which elevates people to desirable. On this occasion a friend helped me and sold me to her, despite the fact she wasn't interested (I didn't bother doing any selling as I picked up a lack of interest from the off)

 

 

I know people say be more what the people you like are likely to like but that's really hard, near impossible in fact.

 

 

This post ostensibly makes little sense.

 

 

The one thing I don't battle with anymore is the sense of not belonging because I basically know that anyone I meet and maybe like isn't going to be gettable so the pressure is off in that sense...

[preraph]

There are many people, myself included, who would rather not be with someone if it means being with someone I'm not nuts about. I don't need another person around bad enough to put up with them underfoot if I'm not thrilled with them. But those who do want someone around bad enough will accommodate that.

 

You do need to expand yourself and your interests and activities and accomplishments and be interesting enough to maybe attract someone who's interested back. But I find when most men complain about this problem, they're just basing what they want on looks and not much else to do with what the woman does, her interests, her career or anything else. Most people can accept that they are not interesting/accomplished/attractive enough to attract a person who has it all. I think at the base of it is accepting yourself so you don't feel you need a person who is visibly more desirable than you on your arm to make yourself feel you have some worth. So I'm not saying this is you, but if in your mind you ever think, If I had that woman on my arm, I'd be the proudest happiest guy in the world, then you may be that guy. Because her being on your arm does not elevate you. You are still you and no one thinks you are more because you have her on your arm.

 

If you feel you need someone to prop you up, then like you said you have heard, yes, you need to make more of yourself rather than trying to soak it up through osmosis from a woman.

[carhill]

When you like what you cant have?

 

Like something else. In the case of people, there are billions on the planet. Lots to like. In the end though, we're all interchangeable. No one is really that important in the scheme of things. Of course, we all like to feel that we're important. Then the grim reaper comes and teaches us some lessons.

[BaileyB]

Lately I have taken a step back tried to assess where I go wrong with dating.

 

This post ostensibly makes little sense.

 

This post does make little sense.

 

When you are assessing where you go wrong with dating, you should begin with yourself because you get in your own way by overthinking and having very unrealistic expectations of women.

 

I'm not saying that you shouldn't expect to date someone that you like, but if you always "want what you can't have" you will spend many unhappy years waiting for something that is unattainable. I suggest that you really think about what you value in a partner (more than appearance) and what you bring to a relationship in return. And remember, relationships are all about how you feel when you are with someone...

 

We are each responsible for our own happiness. We all get in our own way from time to time... The important thing is to realize is and do what you need to do to change it.

Edited June 18, 2017 by BaileyB

[todreaminblue]

I dont normally like what i cant have ...reciprocated feelings are what float my boat.....i vibe off attraction from a guy and then i get to know them....make sure it isnt a physical reaction thing only...from me.....because i dont normally feel any sort of pull to come out of my shell..... towards a guy to get to know him on a deeper level....hence i dont date often

 

if i were to be attracted to someone who didnt have an attraction for me in some form ...i would feel like crap...it would feel wrong, unwarranted attention or feelings for another, and confusing and i am not a fan of those feelings....not for me....because i have been that girl who has had to run from guys attentions.....i dont want to be the girl a guy has to run from....ever...its not me....or for me....would make me feel like a creep....and i am not ..i am so conscious of comfort levels in others....its not funny....

 

as far as giving up goes ..not in my mentality to give up...im a patient puss.....i can wait for that right guy..and i will know who it is.. he just hasnt found me yet...it wont be me finding him.......

 

 

if you adopt a defeatist attitude op, you will be defeated......but if you adopt the possibility and have hope you are a winner and there's someone out there who is exactly right for you...more than just one by the way..........through success or defeat stay hopeful...hope rules supreme......its a mindset that takes time and practice...you can move mountains or sit on them .or a do a mix of both for a while.....sit heal ..visualize......then motivate yourself and get back out there......your choices..make the choice........i wish you well..deb

[JuneJulySeptember]

I know people say be more what the people you like are likely to like but that's really hard, near impossible in fact.

 

 

 

I generally believe there's 2 types of people in this world.

 

1) People who believe there's winners and losers and that people generally want the same thing in a mate: the best looking, smartest, coolest, most interesting person they can get.

 

2) People who believe that life is about doing what you enjoy in your short time here. That what you enjoy makes you who you are, that there's thousands of varieties of ways to live life, and that those who enjoy the same things, or enjoy each other's company, should get together and, as you say, ostensibly ... mate.

 

Since I have been a member of both clubs, I can only offer my advice and say that being in #2 is much easier and leads to happier days. And if you are part of #2, what you quote above is never true.

Edited June 19, 2017 by JuneJulySeptember

[ZA Dater]

There are many people, myself included, who would rather not be with someone if it means being with someone I'm not nuts about. I don't need another person around bad enough to put up with them underfoot if I'm not thrilled with them. But those who do want someone around bad enough will accommodate that.

 

You do need to expand yourself and your interests and activities and accomplishments and be interesting enough to maybe attract someone who's interested back. But I find when most men complain about this problem, they're just basing what they want on looks and not much else to do with what the woman does, her interests, her career or anything else. Most people can accept that they are not interesting/accomplished/attractive enough to attract a person who has it all. I think at the base of it is accepting yourself so you don't feel you need a person who is visibly more desirable than you on your arm to make yourself feel you have some worth. So I'm not saying this is you, but if in your mind you ever think, If I had that woman on my arm, I'd be the proudest happiest guy in the world, then you may be that guy. Because her being on your arm does not elevate you. You are still you and no one thinks you are more because you have her on your arm.

 

If you feel you need someone to prop you up, then like you said you have heard, yes, you need to make more of yourself rather than trying to soak it up through osmosis from a woman.

 

Luckily and I say this advisably its not really about looks with me its more a personality thing which I find attractive, sure it helps if she has a pretty face and is vaguely in shape, having said that people who are completely out of shape aren't interesting to me at all irrespective of personality because my active lifestyle is not compatible with someone like that.

 

 

I tend to judge people more on personality than looks and this is a huge issue because it seems there is only really one personality type I like and its about as far from me as possible to be. Everyone like someone pretty to them, you cant get away from that fact.

[ZA Dater]

This post does make little sense.

 

When you are assessing where you go wrong with dating, you should begin with yourself because you get in your own way by overthinking and having very unrealistic expectations of women.

 

I'm not saying that you shouldn't expect to date someone that you like, but if you always "want what you can't have" you will spend many unhappy years waiting for something that is unattainable. I suggest that you really think about what you value in a partner (more than appearance) and what you bring to a relationship in return. And remember, relationships are all about how you feel when you are with someone...

 

We are each responsible for our own happiness. We all get in our own way from time to time... The important thing is to realize is and do what you need to do to change it.

 

My expectations relate to my own experiences which I admit, are perhaps not representative of what most experience.

 

 

The real value I place in people are who they are, their thoughts, ideas, personality and its nice when I can actually sit and have a conversation with someone, that in itself for me is attractive but it doesn't happen very often.

 

 

Those guys who can get dates really have my respect because for me as time goes on it just seems to get harder and harder and the number of people I like become fewer and fewer.

[ZA Dater]

I generally believe there's 2 types of people in this world.

 

1) People who believe there's winners and losers and that people generally want the same thing in a mate: the best looking, smartest, coolest, most interesting person they can get.

 

2) People who believe that life is about doing what you enjoy in your short time here. That what you enjoy makes you who you are, that there's thousands of varieties of ways to live life, and that those who enjoy the same things, or enjoy each other's company, should get together and, as you say, ostensibly ... mate.

 

Since I have been a member of both clubs, I can only offer my advice and say that being in #2 is much easier and leads to happier days. And if you are part of #2, what you quote above is never true.

 

 

I agree with you BUT when you have an invite to a black tie gala dinner and then realise you cannot go because you don't have anyone to take then its really easy to find oneself in #1 group. I can get by being single most of the time, learnt to try and let it not bother me but when the abovementioned scenario kick in then suddenly being single is a problem.

 

 

Options really are

1: Hit tinder and hope I can find someone

2: Go on my own

3: Not go

4: Resort to being set up with someone which will be very awkward.

 

 

But yes I agree #2 is a better place to be most of the time.

[Mysterio]

No matter where life takes you. I think that we all have to take a step back from all this love stuff. I feel like Ego is involved in this as well. There is so much one can do for someone.

 

I don't know why some of us are having trouble in our love lives to this point. I actually think all this dating stuff is actually making us depressed. We have to enrich our lives beyond a love life.

 

I am a 46 Canadian Black male. My last GF was when I was 26. The one before that officially was when I was 19. Every romantic situation I have had since then and currently has been short lived. The reason I broke up with my ex is that she wanted to push having a kid on me soon in the relationship.

 

My ideal relationship is to be with a woman where we enjoy each others company. We go out to Music venues/Movies/Work out/Walks and talks of life and what we want to build with each other. Physical affection and humour between us with flexibility and working out any snags between us. In year 3 or 4, get married and maybe have one kid between us. Close in age and if we have a kid. How will that affect our lives. I am open to having one unless we have twins. Or none at all.

 

My thing is that there are three types of women that I could get involved with on 2 levels. Single/Widowed/Divorced without kids. S/W/D with 1-2 kids. If she is separated. I will be open to letting her wrap up her Divorce within a year-ish or so. There will be no bio kids between us or living together as well.

 

Another thing for me. It seems I get female attention when I just don't care or get into a state of not caring about meeting a woman romantically. If I start to care about it. Romantic situations never manifest. I don't know why that is.

 

So for example. If there is a woman at Starbucks named Rose and she serves me and I feel like, just based on a little interaction. That she would make a great romantic prospect. There is always some obstacle. When I don't care if it happens. I don't have to really work it. So advising myself. I would just go about my life and forget being the driving force in my romantic life. Its just that I don't know when something will happen.

 

So I say to those out there that feel deprived of having a romantic relationship. Start letting that go in terms of being the driving force for it. Peace of mind is better than always trying to think tank why your single. I think there is too much pressure to couple up. If we all live to 90 or so. Does it matter when we couple up. Stay sociable and well groomed and it should all work out.

[GemmaUK]

I agree with you BUT when you have an invite to a black tie gala dinner and then realise you cannot go because you don't have anyone to take

 

I don't understand. Why is it that you cannot go if you don't have a date to take?

Does the invite specify that the invite is retracted if you don't take a date with you?

[guest569]

I used to have his attitude when I was painfully shy and had even lower self esteem than I do now. I would obsess over certain people but either they were far away and physically out of reach or from another time, or I "knew" they would never be interested and I would feel crappy about it. I never really tried though. Maybe I was too frightened to be rejected so I just eliminated myself from the dating game altogether. Now I just date around and focus on "I hope they like/want me" equally with hoping that I like them too. In other words, I don't desperately seek approval. It is a 2 way street.

[vjk]

I don't understand. Why is it that you cannot go if you don't have a date to take?

Does the invite specify that the invite is retracted if you don't take a date with you?

 

 

It could be shame. My company recently offered me an award and an all expense paid trip including plane tickets to the award ceremony. I didn't go out of the embarrassment of being the only one without a spouse; I pretty much avoid all company and social events nowadays that include guests for this reason. Once you get as old as I am and been working for years at the same location(about 40), people will notice and judge you if you always go it alone. They notice if you don't show as well, but it's not as a bad. I've even considered quitting my job to avoid going on the trip and not to offend my employers .

[ZA Dater]

I don't understand. Why is it that you cannot go if you don't have a date to take?

Does the invite specify that the invite is retracted if you don't take a date with you?

 

Invite specifies "you and partner".

 

 

I am quite ok with not going, been to far too many of these things on my own. Its not a must go to event, sure its a fairly special dinner but if I don't go its not the end of the world.

 

 

Bottom line is its never nice going to event full of couples as a single person.

[GemmaUK]

Invite specifies "you and partner".

 

 

I am quite ok with not going, been to far too many of these things on my own. Its not a must go to event, sure its a fairly special dinner but if I don't go its not the end of the world.

 

 

Bottom line is its never nice going to event full of couples as a single person.

 

These things are never ALL couples though.

 

Take a buddy with you - unless of course you are totally uninterested in the events - which it sounds like you are (?).

 

Do you go to events with lots of folk where you mingle and enjoy/want to go to the event? Does lack of partner stop you from those also?

 

Events and days out are just about having fun - all good - if you happen to meet someone great - if not - no waste of time if you have had a great day.

Maybe you focus too much on the taking a partner or meeting one bits?

[ZA Dater]

These things are never ALL couples though.

 

Take a buddy with you - unless of course you are totally uninterested in the events - which it sounds like you are (?).

 

Do you go to events with lots of folk where you mingle and enjoy/want to go to the event? Does lack of partner stop you from those also?

 

Events and days out are just about having fun - all good - if you happen to meet someone great - if not - no waste of time if you have had a great day.

Maybe you focus too much on the taking a partner or meeting one bits?

 

The problem here is twofold

 

 

1: This is a very fancy event so having a partner is expected.

2: I went to it alone last year and had to field questions why I didn't bring someone, which in itself wasn't very pleasant.

3: Say what you want but when invites are "you and partner" and you turn up alone people do wonder why.

 

 

None of those things are "right" in my opinion but its simply how things are.

 

 

I actually try not to go to events which mandate a partner, sometimes I have no option but to put up with it but I wouldn't say its enjoyable.

 

 

I should say this event is a dinner dance.

[SammySammy]

The reason you "can't" have it is because you believe you can't.

 

As the saying goes, "whether you believe you can or believe you can't, you're right". (Henry Ford)

 

There is no reason you can't have a person with a great personality. You can. It's absolutely 100% possible for you to be with a great girl who has a great personality. An absolute certainty.

 

But, not while you have this negative belief. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You project it out into the world - women sense it and react accordingly - and it returns to you fulfilled.

 

"They can because they think they can." - Virgil

 

Make that your steadfast, unrelenting belief and it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy also.

 

You can. You will.

[ZA Dater]

The reason you "can't" have it is because you believe you can't.

 

As the saying goes, "whether you believe you can or believe you can't, you're right". (Henry Ford)

 

There is no reason you can't have a person with a great personality. You can. It's absolutely 100% possible for you to be with a great girl who has a great personality. An absolute certainty.

 

But, not while you have this negative belief. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You project it out into the world - women sense it and react accordingly - and it returns to you fulfilled.

 

"They can because they think they can." - Virgil

 

Make that your steadfast, unrelenting belief and it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy also.

 

You can. You will.

 

That's a lovely idea, it really is, however reality it is not, for many at least. If it were large parts of this forum wouldn't exist.

 

 

I grew up telling myself everything you mention above, boy was I wrong when I tried to date. In fact I couldn't have been more wrong about anything.

[ZA Dater]

Thinking about this again I think I might have an answer, I think I latch onto ideas which are unlikely at best because I never have any luck anyway and its better to think about something good than thinking about the reality which is totally abysmal when it comes to dating.

[Cookiesandough]

Have you thought anymore on this? I am in the same boat. What kind of personality or what is it that you're attracted to that it is near impossible for you to become like? Thank you

[ZA Dater]

Have you thought anymore on this? I am in the same boat. What kind of personality or what is it that you're attracted to that it is near impossible for you to become like? Thank you

 

For me its hard to say, as someone who virtually never gets any sort of interest or attention from ladies that attention is nice to get when it rarely happens.

 

 

I like outgoing people, what is not really me, bubbly, cheery, happy, full of life people. Most of us all though confidence with intellect combined with good to me looks.

[Chilli]

How old are you btw ?

l get the feeling your being down on yourself 20 yrs too soon.

On your preferences , crikey , l dunno where to start.

But it may not even be about you , more just meeting the right girl.

My personality does suit that type , my ex wife and gf since were both a lot like that and more and it's something like what l look for. Well l don't look but when l see it l know it you could say.

l worry to l;ll never find that personality again now, well l know l won't actually , she'll probably be totally different, but l'll love her just as much for what she is , that's how it works..

 

But , tell ya about my ex FIL.

Quietest man you'll ever meet , talking painful to be alone with.l use to dread it and thank God l don't have to deal with him anymore.

You the MIL, his wife , was a real live wire always happy and talky and laughing , talk about anything.

My ex was similar , only more sensible , all his kids were all these happy lively bubbly types.

And l've noticed that in other marriages and relationships too.

For some reason he's often the quiet one with women like that, so don't right yourself of in that way , you just haven't found that click yet.

And don't close yourself off, stay open , because anything can happen.

Edited July 20, 2017 by Chilli

[ZA Dater]

How old are you btw ?

l get the feeling your being down on yourself 20 yrs too soon.

On your preferences , crikey , l dunno where to start.

But it may not even be about you , more just meeting the right girl.

My personality does suit that type , my ex wife and gf since were both a lot like that and more and it's something like what l look for. Well l don't look but when l see it l know it you could say.

l worry to l;ll never find that personality again now, well l know l won't actually , she'll probably be totally different, but l'll love her just as much for what she is , that's how it works..

 

But , tell ya about my ex FIL.

Quietest man you'll ever meet , talking painful to be alone with.l use to dread it and thank God l don't have to deal with him anymore.

You the MIL, his wife , was a real live wire always happy and talky and laughing , talk about anything.

My ex was similar , only more sensible , all his kids were all these happy lively bubbly types.

And l've noticed that in other marriages and relationships too.

For some reason he's often the quiet one with women like that, so don't right yourself of in that way , you just haven't found that click yet.

And don't close yourself off, stay open , because anything can happen.

 

I am 33. Thanks for the encouragement. For the most part I keep going on an ideal, perhaps call it deluding myself but it gets me through the day!

 

 

As far as meeting people, I don't really meet many, not super social if I am honest for the simple reason few people have anything in common with me.

[elaine567]

As far as meeting people, I don't really meet many, not super social if I am honest for the simple reason few people have anything in common with me.

 

Most people if they were entirely honest are not "super sociable" either, but they do what they have to do to get where they want to be.

So they network, they go for after work drinks, they organise social events, they go to dinner parties, ordinary parties, clubs, pubs, meet ups, concerts movies... in fact if they have an agenda to meet someone they can turn up absolutely anywhere and they do.

NO stone is unturned and eventually they do meet someone suitable and all that excessive socialising usually goes out the window.

Job done.

 

[SammySammy]

A deeply ingrained negative, pessimistic, and fatalistic attitude that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. That's your biggest problem.

 

I can't. I don't. They won't. No chance. Never. Blah, blah, blah, ... on and on incessantly.

 

And you wonder why people don't to be around that.

 

If you were serious, you would stop thinking stuff like that much less writing it.