When you like what you cant have?

[elaine567]

This seems awfully far-fetched. If I'm the introverted bookworm (which I'm pretty close to) and see an attractive woman coupled with an extroverted gym rat, she might as well be screaming at me "I wouldn't be caught dead with you, you nerdy, shy, wimpy, chicken-livered girly-boy."

 

BUT you have actually no idea what she thinks, you are assuming far too much there.

She is maybe fed up of him spending hours and hours in the gym, maybe she is fed up of "healthy" meals and discussing the size and shape of his biceps, maybe she is fed up of his like-minded gym obsessed friends, maybe she would love to curl up with a book and have a man to discuss it with...

[JuneJulySeptember]

This seems awfully far-fetched. If I'm the introverted bookworm (which I'm pretty close to) and see an attractive woman coupled with an extroverted gym rat, she might as well be screaming at me "I wouldn't be caught dead with you, you nerdy, shy, wimpy, chicken-livered girly-boy."

 

There's a difference between being attractive and prioritizing attractiveness though.

 

Somebody posted a link to Denise Milani the other day. She has the big fake boobs, spends thousands on makeup and has a career as a pinup model. It's pretty obvious she prioritizes attractiveness. I'm 99% certain she would only date a guy who was either really attractive or had 'assets' in equal trade, like a guy tattooed head to toe who plays guitar in a punk-metal band.

 

But lets take Jane Pauley. A young Jane Pauley is even more attractive than her, not just in my eyes, but many guy's eyes. And while her beauty is likely an important part of what started her career, her priorities are probably elsewhere. So ... you could probably get a woman like that.

Edited July 24, 2017 by JuneJulySeptember

[Imajerk17]

ZA, what do you want from this thread? Truly. I mean, we can't "stick to the topic" if we don't know what the topic is.

 

Do you want to do the work to improve your dating life? OR do you just want to keep on moaning and whining and griping about Poor You and how bad you got it.

 

Here's a thought for you: Everyone who is single, is single because they couldn't make it work with the one they wanted to be with either. I mean, if they could, then they'd be in a relationship with that person. You seem to think you are uniquely cursed but in fact you are not.

[ZA Dater]

OP, I agree that your lack of experience is making things difficult. I can attest that before I got into a few relationships, my thinking was similar to yours.

 

I think people who are young, or inexperienced, or didn't have an example of a loving relationship growing up tend to have difficulties when it comes to dating and relationships. The thing is the problem lies in their thinking. As many have pointed out your thinking is flawed. And it's not easy to change our thinking at all, so I do understand your struggles.

 

One mistake most people who struggle have is that they put way too much emphasis on attraction, and way too little emphasis on connection. We feel connected to people that share the same core values that we do. Mutual attraction is an important factor too of course, but focusing solely on that is detrimental.

 

My advice, especially if you're dating strangers through OLD, is to date a lot of people. Don't just hold out for someone you absolutely know you will be interested in. And realize that you won't be compatible with the vast majority of strangers. None of us are!

 

But if you're focused on strangers, it's just a numbers game. The more people you meet, the better chance you have of meeting someone that shares your values, that wants the same thing in a relationship, and where there is mutual attraction. It might seem insurmountable, but if you don't go on any dates, it will be impossible.

 

And as much as you'd just like to push down that desire you have to love and be loved (because you're human and we all have that desire), it won't work. Much better to accept that desire, and then put in the work (i.e. date a lot of people).

 

When you're compatible you won't feel a need to change who you are because the person will accept you as you are. And you'll accept them too. That's why one should focus on connection, rather than attraction...

 

Very interesting post! I get the numbers thing I do, but how do you get those numbers on an OLD platform, at one stage I simply went out with anyone who was keen and I tried to have no expectations. Truthfully with perhaps 1 exception none of those people really impressed me to any significant degree, sure I didn't get date two which in some cases I was thankful for!

 

 

Its how to get the numbers which is irritating and very problematic.

 

 

I agree on connection there have probably only been three people I felt any sort of connection with. Its even harder to find than attraction I think, itself very difficult....for me at least! Mutual attraction isn't something I have ever experienced ever.

 

 

Agreed, its a thinking thing, no argument from me there but the reality is some of us think differently and changing that is extremely hard. There is change and change for change sake and the latter doesn't really interest me as much. The one thing which really does bother me though is a lack of any form of success, this whole thing would be a bit easier if I could say "ok cool I did have some success once", its incredibly difficult to get that out of mind.

[ZA Dater]

This reply reminds me of my younger sister a little bit. She is in her mid-30s, beautiful inside and out, completely independent, hugely introverted, very little relationship experience but is holding out for an ideal that doesn't exist (as is the nature of ideals!).

 

She tried a little online dating and found the few guys she met to be nice but never attractive enough, and has a history of developing crushes on unavailable guys (not single, players, not right for her, etc.).

 

We have had many talks about this over the years and this boils down to this - she may claim she wants to be in a relationship but her actions and life choices say otherwise, and she is a lot less available than she thinks she is.

 

For her, it seems to me like it's a mixture of fear, naivity, insecurity, vanity, immaturity and complacency. She says she feels lonely at times, but obviously not lonely enough to do something positive about it other than day dream of a prince charming.

 

So OP, if you are honest with yourself, hand on heart, can you say you are giving the dating process a genuine go without assumptions or ready-made excuses?

 

I wouldn't say I am especially introverted but I would say I don't really partake in small talk, I'll throw a comment now and then but if the conversation doesn't stimulate me or I have nothing to add I just keep quiet. One side effect of this is I am good at listening.

 

 

Lets be truthful the amount I have spent on dating sites in the last 7 years would have been better spent elsewhere when I look at the return on got on that spend! So in mind I have given this a decent enough go but I suppose the reality is I wont ever find what I want on dating sites.

 

 

I resorted to some "Normal Person" logic and worked on the superficial, the things apparently that impress people but I then found myself on a more attractive level but so far socially out of step that I was as far away as ever. Elaine probably hit the nail on the head a long time ago, my thinking isnt really 33yo thinking which hampers dating to a degree it simply doesn't work because I cant relate and they cant relate to me, so I am essentially stuck.

[Cookiesandough]

How many dates do you go on monthly on avg??

[ZA Dater]

Well, that's clearly not going to be a very successful strategy for you.

 

Probably not! Just never seem to meet anyone single, in fact I never meet single people!

 

 

This is probably the fundamental problem that underlines everything else to a lesser or greater degree.

 

 

Its also pointless for me to sit and moan about what I don't have because that ignores what I do have, which while not what anyone seemingly really wants I am happy with most of it.

 

 

Perhaps some of you are wondering if I present IRL like I do here, I don't think I do, dating isn't something I discuss, I bury it deep and when asked about it I just present some well rehearsed excuse, some people close to me do know about the issue and in some way have tried to help but the form of help doesn't work because what works for them doesn't work for me due to widely differing personalities. Someone will point out someone attractive and mostly I'll just say "that's nice".

 

 

In other words I cover up this "shame" quite well but I do look around for potential chances and probably one of the best things someone did for me is actually help me "sell" myself to someone and that started a conversation with her and we got on well, which was largely academic because she isn't single.

 

 

Do I really want to date? If it means being someone other than me, then no I don't. Do I want to go back to dating anyone who is interested irrespective if they interest me, not really.

 

 

In truth I think my entire game is wrong, I close myself off because that way I don't get rejected, what I mean by this is, have dinner and then what? "Bye see you next time", I seem to fall into a business type modus operandi. It is just who I am unfortunately and trying to change it is difficult and I do try but equally I get some much advice which seems to change daily I am somewhat lost as to what is what.

 

 

Why I get so few matches on Tinder is something I cant explain but that whole app seems hard to comprehend.

[ZA Dater]

How many dates do you go on monthly on avg??

 

If I get one its a lot...put it this way this year I have been on 4 with different people.

[littleblackheart]

I wouldn't say I am especially introverted but I would say I don't really partake in small talk, I'll throw a comment now and then but if the conversation doesn't stimulate me or I have nothing to add I just keep quiet. One side effect of this is I am good at listening.

 

 

Lets be truthful the amount I have spent on dating sites in the last 7 years would have been better spent elsewhere when I look at the return on got on that spend! So in mind I have given this a decent enough go but I suppose the reality is I wont ever find what I want on dating sites.

 

 

I resorted to some "Normal Person" logic and worked on the superficial, the things apparently that impress people but I then found myself on a more attractive level but so far socially out of step that I was as far away as ever. Elaine probably hit the nail on the head a long time ago, my thinking isnt really 33yo thinking which hampers dating to a degree it simply doesn't work because I cant relate and they cant relate to me, so I am essentially stuck.

 

I'm with you on the small talk! I'm an Aspie and small talk is the bane of my life. But you know what, it gets easier with practice - I have a bank of generic set phrases that I adapt for various situations, take a step back and let people overshare!

 

But seriously, I do know how you feel and I can totally relate but unless you make a conscious effort to try and accept 'Normal People', like you say, without condescension, you won't get anywhere.

 

Some people need to relax into a conversation with strangers, like a warm-up exercice so they feel comfortable talking about 'deeper' stuff . It won't happen if they can sense your condescending attitude, though.

[Chris2016]

If I get one its a lot...put it this way this year I have been on 4 with different people.

 

At least you're trying, dating. That's 4! Mine this year, zilch.

[Cookiesandough]

^ yeah, was gonna say that's pretty good. 1 here. I like your threads because you remind me of myself in male form

 

 

the reality is some of us think differently and changing that is extremely hard.

 

 

pretty much sums up this thread.

...pretty much every thread...

[CptInsano]

I

But seriously, I do know how you feel and I can totally relate but unless you make a conscious effort to try and accept 'Normal People', like you say, without condescension, you won't get anywhere.

 

That's pretty much it. A lot of us are different in one way or another. But in the end you cannot change the people you are trying to connect with.

[MonkeyLogic]

I get the numbers thing I do, but how do you get those numbers on an OLD platform, at one stage I simply went out with anyone who was keen and I tried to have no expectations.

 

What worked for me was joining multiple free sites and one pay site. Again it's a numbers game, so wherever the dates come from doesn't matter. You're just trying to get dates with anybody that doesn't present a major flag or that you're very clearly incompatible with. Having no expectations is definitely the best attitude to have!

 

Truthfully with perhaps 1 exception none of those people really impressed me to any significant degree, sure I didn't get date two which in some cases I was thankful for!

 

Which is exactly what one should expect when meeting strangers. Most of the time there will not be a connection, or mutual attraction. You just need more numbers...

 

Its how to get the numbers which is irritating and very problematic.

 

Only irritating and problematic if you see if that way. Again I was on 4 free sites (Tinder, Bumble, POF, OKCupid) and 1 pay site (eHarmony). Like most average guys, the vast majority of messages and right swipes were not reciprocated. But I did manage to average about 2 dates a week. And it did take some effort on my part including updating my pics regularly.

 

I agree on connection there have probably only been three people I felt any sort of connection with. Its even harder to find than attraction I think, itself very difficult....for me at least!

 

Indeed! Again, you aren't going to be compatible with the VAST majority of strangers you meet - I mean at compatible enough to be in a meaningful long term relationship with at least...

 

Mutual attraction isn't something I have ever experienced ever.

 

Try not to get discouraged about this (I know it can be hard). It's just a numbers game. First goal should be getting as many dates a week as you're capable of time wise. Second goal should be to enjoy the dates as much as possible even when there is no connection or attraction. See what you can learn from people that think differently then you do! It won't be a love match, but could prove to be interesting and enlightening nonetheless...

 

 

Agreed, its a thinking thing, no argument from me there but the reality is some of us think differently and changing that is extremely hard.

 

Extremely hard is right. But understand that there is a difference between thinking differently (and we all do to some extent as we all have different genetics and life experiences to pull from), and detrimental thinking. One is just a different perspective, and the other prevents us from accomplishing things that we want. Could be succeeding in a career. Or school. Or losing weight. Or getting fit. Or finding love. If our thoughts are preventing us from accomplishing those things that we want, it's time to start questioning those thoughts.

 

 

There is change and change for change sake and the latter doesn't really interest me as much.

 

And it shouldn't. The theme of this thread is wanting what you can't have. To me that would mean that trying to change your thinking patterns (it starts with acknowledging there's a problem) is a priority.

 

 

The one thing which really does bother me though is a lack of any form of success, this whole thing would be a bit easier if I could say "ok cool I did have some success once", its incredibly difficult to get that out of mind.

 

Success is what you make of it. Again, if it's a numbers game (and it is) then success should be seen as getting dates. And more dates is better than less dates.

 

And you've been on dates. So that, in itself is success. Glass is half full!

[normal person]

Actually I don't feel the need to prove anyone wrong.

 

Don't do it for me. Do it for yourself, for God's sake. I'd be happy for you.

 

You can mock it as much as you want, I really don't care, I have tried on my terms

 

I'm not mocking you, I'm just pointing out the obvious (yet again): your terms don't do you any favors. If you want something someone else has (in this case, their time and attention), you have to play on their terms, not yours. They have leverage over you, and you have no business assuming the world will just magically change to suit your comfort level.

 

If you're hopelessly in love with a woman who wants a man with a decent job, but you don't have one, which is a better course of action? Try hard to get a decent job, or throw your hands up and say, "well, I tried on my own terms. She just doesn't like unemployed guys and there's nothing I can do about it besides pray that her mind might change one day."

 

Is there a degree of superficiality to all this? Of course. Most people just either suck it up and accept that they might have to compromise a few things about themselves because their desire to be with someone is greater than their desire to remain complacent. There are lots of superficial, difficult, and uncomfortable things about this process that lots of people just have to deal with in order for success. You can either accept that and play along, or not. But if you choose the second option, you can't complain.

 

As much as it might irritate you, you are simply wrong, there are many people who never stop trying but still don't get what they want, would they have been better to accept defeat and try live a happier life away from rejection, that for them to decide.

 

There are varying degrees of "trying." There is an admittedly oversimplified philosophical element to this, but the people who got what they wanted tried hard enough, and the people who didn't, didn't.

 

Maybe it's just me but I can't fathom anyone living happier by accepting defeat. That sounds like hell on Earth. You know what makes life amazing? Accomplishing things, particularly difficult things or things previously thought to be impossible. When I hit a roadblock, I come back stronger. I galvanize myself and revisit it with a vengeance. I get a chip on my shoulder and I go on a rampage to crush every aspect of life and get the things I want, and I don't stop until I do. I love the fight.

 

You know why you "accepting defeat and trying to live a happier life away from rejection" is bogus? Because you're still on here looking for a solution to your problems. You haven't accepted defeat, you still want things, you just don't want to fight through the pain necessary to get them. You're on here searching for a magic solution that doesn't involve going through the wringer. My advice is to go through the wringer. It will make it so much more sweeter when you get out.

 

In terms of the bold I don't see a need to try and manipulate a certain outcome.

 

It's because I feel horrible and sad that you're wasting your precious life making excuses to not get things you want.

 

I do things for a purpose and if after a time I see no change I simply stop doing them, especially if they aren't serving any purpose or bringing any tangible results.

 

Try harder. Make changes. Learn from your mistakes. Apply elsewhere. Adapt.

 

Life is a better place when I do this.

 

It might be slightly "less bad," but you're still clearly unsatisfied, so don't act like this is the solution. You're not fooling anyone.

 

I don't have an issue meeting people in person, I do most days on a business level but socially I have nothing in common with most people but that's my problem, clearly I need to bend over backwards.

 

Oh, so she likes golf and you like tennis, so it'll never work, right? I have little in common with a lot of women I go out with. Yet somehow, it often still works. You know why? We usually match up on important things that matter: ethics, values, sense of humor, life goals, etc. I don't care if she loves Beyonce. She doesn't care about the the trivial things I do. We match where it counts.

[Cookiesandough]

How many dates do you go on monthly on avg??

 

Monkey, you are a guy, so the question is a bit different, but did you go out with only women who you thought you would be really attracted to in person from your digital communication, their profile, and their pictures? Or were you less discriminatory just to get dates and see if it's *there* in person. I can imagine the numbers game becoming incredibly expensive for a guy. Even doing coffee dates, those numbers rack up

Edited July 25, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[SammySammy]

I'm getting the feeling the only person this guy would be happy dating is ... himself.

[ZA Dater]

What worked for me was joining multiple free sites and one pay site. Again it's a numbers game, so wherever the dates come from doesn't matter. You're just trying to get dates with anybody that doesn't present a major flag or that you're very clearly incompatible with. Having no expectations is definitely the best attitude to have!

 

 

 

Which is exactly what one should expect when meeting strangers. Most of the time there will not be a connection, or mutual attraction. You just need more numbers...

 

 

 

Only irritating and problematic if you see if that way. Again I was on 4 free sites (Tinder, Bumble, POF, OKCupid) and 1 pay site (eHarmony). Like most average guys, the vast majority of messages and right swipes were not reciprocated. But I did manage to average about 2 dates a week. And it did take some effort on my part including updating my pics regularly.

 

 

 

Indeed! Again, you aren't going to be compatible with the VAST majority of strangers you meet - I mean at compatible enough to be in a meaningful long term relationship with at least...

 

 

 

Try not to get discouraged about this (I know it can be hard). It's just a numbers game. First goal should be getting as many dates a week as you're capable of time wise. Second goal should be to enjoy the dates as much as possible even when there is no connection or attraction. See what you can learn from people that think differently then you do! It won't be a love match, but could prove to be interesting and enlightening nonetheless...

 

 

 

 

Extremely hard is right. But understand that there is a difference between thinking differently (and we all do to some extent as we all have different genetics and life experiences to pull from), and detrimental thinking. One is just a different perspective, and the other prevents us from accomplishing things that we want. Could be succeeding in a career. Or school. Or losing weight. Or getting fit. Or finding love. If our thoughts are preventing us from accomplishing those things that we want, it's time to start questioning those thoughts.

 

 

 

 

And it shouldn't. The theme of this thread is wanting what you can't have. To me that would mean that trying to change your thinking patterns (it starts with acknowledging there's a problem) is a priority.

 

 

 

 

Success is what you make of it. Again, if it's a numbers game (and it is) then success should be seen as getting dates. And more dates is better than less dates.

 

And you've been on dates. So that, in itself is success. Glass is half full!

 

I am just not getting the numbers and maybe a lot of this is time, I simply don't have masses of time, I work long days so if I am going to go out with someone I'd prefer there to be some sort of communication, some sense ok she is different and I at least find her vaguely attractive.

 

 

Work and the various hobbies I have are my retreat, lot of the time the latter fills some of the lonely void and I have managed to manufacture a completely artificial situation whereby I seldom go to those interest club events alone, roped in someone I like and she "works" taking photographs of the event which I then use for post event publication. She is probably as close as I have to a "girlfriend" and I get to enjoy some of the nice feeling that comes with that.

 

 

I have tried to leverage the things I enjoy doing with trying to meet people and get numbers but typically there are never any single people around.

 

 

Logically I am starting to ask myself if its all really worth it. Every experience just seems to get worse not better.

 

 

The ironic thing is on perhaps 3 occasions I have been able to go out with someone I really liked so I know how good it can be but the problem here is benchmarks have been set and inevitably most of what came afterward has been very underwhelming. I have had some decent opportunities in the mid early 20's but I could never make anything of them because I didn't and still don't know how.

 

 

Its just easier and more rewarding to focus on things I can really improve at, one where sure its not easy but I can measure progress, I don't find dating rewarding at all or particularly fun. The great experiences do keep me looking for more like them but the longer nothing happens the more disillusioned I become.

[MonkeyLogic]

Monkey, you are a guy, so the question is a bit different, but did you go out with only women who you thought you would be really attracted to in person from your digital communication, their profile, and their pictures? Or were you less discriminatory just to get dates and see if it's *there* in person. I can imagine the numbers game becoming incredibly expensive for a guy. Even doing coffee dates, those numbers rack up

 

I would go out with any woman that I didn't find unattractive. So anywhere from neutral, to OMG I CAN BARELY THINK STRAIGHT!!

 

But keep in mind, I had already had a few relationships and experience under my belt so knew that attraction could certainly grow. When I was younger and less experienced though, I certainly thought that I should only be dating people I'm extremely attracted to from the start...and to my detriment. I put way too much emphasis on that. And not surprisingly had some unhealthy relationships because of it.

 

I wasn't that discriminatory for a first date / meet from OLD. And my first dates were not expensive. One drink. A cup of coffee. Some travel time. I mean under $15 and often under $10. But my attitude was good so I enjoyed the dates even when it wasn't a match (which were the vast majority). It wasn't time wasted for me. It was all part of the experience and I was learning along the way.

 

On the first date I would just figure out if I wanted to see her again. That was it. If she wanted to see me, we'd go on a second date. And I kept dating others during the early stages too. It's a numbers game. When I met my current partner (going on over a year now) we were both also dating others. I really do advocate multidating in those early stages..

[elaine567]

Work and the various hobbies I have are my retreat, lot of the time the latter fills some of the lonely void and I have managed to manufacture a completely artificial situation whereby I seldom go to those interest club events alone, roped in someone I like and she "works" taking photographs of the event which I then use for post event publication. She is probably as close as I have to a "girlfriend" and I get to enjoy some of the nice feeling that comes with that.

 

This is a very bad idea.

Not only are you relying on K (and I am assuming it is she) for company but you are also not being available for any other opportunities that may present themselves, whilst you are engaging with her.

K is the girl of your dreams and you are just pretending that she is your gf, when she is actually unavailable and she is dating someone else...

 

No-one is ever going match up as long as K is at the forefront of your life.

[ZA Dater]

Don't do it for me. Do it for yourself, for God's sake. I'd be happy for you.

 

 

 

I'm not mocking you, I'm just pointing out the obvious (yet again): your terms don't do you any favors. If you want something someone else has (in this case, their time and attention), you have to play on their terms, not yours. They have leverage over you, and you have no business assuming the world will just magically change to suit your comfort level.

 

If you're hopelessly in love with a woman who wants a man with a decent job, but you don't have one, which is a better course of action? Try hard to get a decent job, or throw your hands up and say, "well, I tried on my own terms. She just doesn't like unemployed guys and there's nothing I can do about it besides pray that her mind might change one day."

 

Is there a degree of superficiality to all this? Of course. Most people just either suck it up and accept that they might have to compromise a few things about themselves because their desire to be with someone is greater than their desire to remain complacent. There are lots of superficial, difficult, and uncomfortable things about this process that lots of people just have to deal with in order for success. You can either accept that and play along, or not. But if you choose the second option, you can't complain.

 

 

 

There are varying degrees of "trying." There is an admittedly oversimplified philosophical element to this, but the people who got what they wanted tried hard enough, and the people who didn't, didn't.

 

Maybe it's just me but I can't fathom anyone living happier by accepting defeat. That sounds like hell on Earth. You know what makes life amazing? Accomplishing things, particularly difficult things or things previously thought to be impossible. When I hit a roadblock, I come back stronger. I galvanize myself and revisit it with a vengeance. I get a chip on my shoulder and I go on a rampage to crush every aspect of life and get the things I want, and I don't stop until I do. I love the fight.

 

You know why you "accepting defeat and trying to live a happier life away from rejection" is bogus? Because you're still on here looking for a solution to your problems. You haven't accepted defeat, you still want things, you just don't want to fight through the pain necessary to get them. You're on here searching for a magic solution that doesn't involve going through the wringer. My advice is to go through the wringer. It will make it so much more sweeter when you get out.

 

 

 

It's because I feel horrible and sad that you're wasting your precious life making excuses to not get things you want.

 

 

 

Try harder. Make changes. Learn from your mistakes. Apply elsewhere. Adapt.

 

 

 

It might be slightly "less bad," but you're still clearly unsatisfied, so don't act like this is the solution. You're not fooling anyone.

 

 

 

Oh, so she likes golf and you like tennis, so it'll never work, right? I have little in common with a lot of women I go out with. Yet somehow, it often still works. You know why? We usually match up on important things that matter: ethics, values, sense of humor, life goals, etc. I don't care if she loves Beyonce. She doesn't care about the the trivial things I do. We match where it counts.

 

The bold is bogus and someone with your learned background knows that full well. There are millions of people who tried things and never succeeded at them, that a reality not matter how you try and paint it otherwise.

 

 

Its reality.

 

 

Really, funny I haven't met ANYONE who has to compromise anything to date, they rock up flirt, charm, take them to a club, make them laugh, have a few drinks, introduce to them to their fun friends and we all know what happens next. I don't see much compromise if you enjoy those activities, expecting someone like me to thrive there is like asking a polar bear to suntan in Bora Bora.

 

 

When I say this I go back to the people I studied with, the people at HS, none of them ever needed to compromise on anything.

 

 

How is one supposed to learn when nobody ever bothers tell you what you do wrong. I meet someone they tell me they want to see me again and one day before the date, block me for no reason. I meet someone else she says she wants to be friends, blocks me again. I meet another, she stands me up. I meet another, we sit down, she goes to restroom and never comes back and then sends a rude text. I meet another, we have a nice lunch, only for a rude text later in the day. Need I carry on? Nothing unique about this I suppose, its all me, perhaps I needed to bow down and kiss the floor these people walked on, perhaps I needed to do some sort of secret handshake.

 

 

I don't feel the need to make excuses for who I am or my value system, both of which I am quite happy with, the fact nobody else is, well frankly that's just tough but when I inevitably hear "oh he cheated on me", "oh he did this and is so inconsiderate" my level of sympathy and interest is precisely zero. You can criticise me for apparently wasting my life and sure I live with that, each and every time when I have to do something on my own, such as eat out on my own.

 

 

Regrets, the only one really that nobody gave me the advice I get on this forum when I was 22.

[Cookiesandough]

Monkey, that's very helpful, thank you. I get the impression that ZAdater is kind of 'picky', and has set high standards for him and the woman he wants:bunny:. He is attracted to a specific type of woman. He wants a woman who is both attractive and has a bubbly, intellectual personality. I think the longer you are single the pickier you become in terms of relationship. You become comfortable in singlehood even if you don't like it and have time to become quite idealistic.

 

I also believe he does dinner dates. Unsure if that is by choice or if coffee first dates are not standard in South Africa. He said he is guilty of the "throw out" (Aren't we all?)

 

Niji wrote:

But I don't expect to "like" someone after meeting them for 5 minutes; I try to give it some time for the chemistry to grow. Generally I think if you don't feel excited to see them again after 3 dates (assuming you communicate frequently between dates), it's probably not enough chemistry to work.

[ZA Dater]

This is a very bad idea.

Not only are you relying on K (and I am assuming it is she) for company but you are also not being available for any other opportunities that may present themselves, whilst you are engaging with her.

K is the girl of your dreams and you are just pretending that she is your gf, when she is actually unavailable and she is dating someone else...

 

No-one is ever going match up as long as K is at the forefront of your life.

 

Something is better than nothing. Seeing as these events are all older people and nobody else is single I don't see much of a downside with chatting to her and being friendly.

 

 

There is someone else I wouldn't mind taking out but on a scale, she falls into the completely impossible category, she is single but I am not her type at all.

[Cookiesandough]

Oops pressed enter too soon. I wanted to add I don't think he gives it time for chemistry to grow. He has a idea of the very specific type he wants and if she doesn't meet it within the first date she is out the doe'

[elaine567]

Something is better than nothing. Seeing as these events are all older people and nobody else is single I don't see much of a downside with chatting to her and being friendly.

 

Another thing, get out of that older crowd, they are doing nothing for you dating wise, apart from giving you the mentality of someone who is 63 not 33...

Try to get interested in something with a younger audience and ditch the oldies...

[littleblackheart]

That's pretty much it. A lot of us are different in one way or another. But in the end you cannot change the people you are trying to connect with.

 

Exactly! I don't want to deviate too much from OP's thread but being on the spectrum means dating is a mind-boggle at the best of times, and a lot of it takes genuinely hard effort that a neuro-typical person would find offputting most of the time. Yet a lot of neuro-diverse people manage to be in successful relationships with people who are ready to accept them as they are, and vice-versa.

 

OP, the ball is in your court. You can dissect every minute character trait of every person you meet with the mindet that you already know it's all doomed for failure or you can try and see people as a whole package with their good points and their bad points - if the balances tips in favour of positive overall, you're a shoe in!

 

And remember: nobody's perfect!

 

I really hope you can take away some of the stellar advice you've been given on this thread and move forward with positivity and purpose!

 

Good luck with everything

Edited July 25, 2017 by littleblackheart