Women approach the men first

[mortensorchid]

Here's a question that is probably repeating how many other threads past posted by others : Women who approach the man first, yeah or nay?

 

I've read things that when the woman approaches the man first, that makes them stand out. Some say that it's refreshing for a man to have a woman approach them. And when I say "approach", what does that mean? I came across something on YouTube where they suggested doing something like go grocery shopping where they have prepared meals, you see someone who you think is cute, and then ask them something like "What are you having?" or "Didn't feel like cooking tonight?" If you want to call that an approach, so be it. So let's say you did that, the guy answers however he's going to answer, and ... That's that. Now of course you don't expect that this the beginning of something - that only happens in the movies or TV shows. But if I went into said place or did a cold approach like that, I'd feel like an a******.

 

I think this goes with the introversion I was feeling before, I'm afraid to even attempt anything for being hurt by others somehow. I'm tired of getting dumped or treated badly or lead on or told I am not good enough or crazy or whatever else. Approach and get shot down, have them approach you and you'll also get shot down. Thoughts or feelings?

[Shining One]

But if I went into said place or did a cold approach like that, I'd feel like an a******.

 

I think this goes with the introversion I was feeling before, I'm afraid to even attempt anything for being hurt by others somehow. I'm tired of getting dumped or treated badly or lead on or told I am not good enough or crazy or whatever else. Approach and get shot down, have them approach you and you'll also get shot down. Thoughts or feelings?

Like many other things in life, it gets easier with repetition. I've been rejected far more times than you've been. For the longest time, I took it very personally. It hurt, a lot. Eventually, it started hurting less and less. Now, a rejection from a random woman doesn't phase me. There are millions of others out there.

 

Thus, my advice is to keep trying until you find success and/or it doesn't hurt any more.

[carhill]

I've had many women approach me over the years. Nearly all have turned out to be married (the others turned out to be in relationships), regardless of whether their approach was socially friendly or flirtatious. Hence, if/when a woman approaches me, I presume they're married/attached. Error in judgement? Perhaps. Just wanted to share one possible reaction you might experience. Most guys won't be a problem; guys are generally simple. They see something they like they go after it. Initially, they won't be concerned about your relationship status. Put yourself in their space and let nature take its course.

[LivingWaterPlease]

If I'm feeling extroverted (sometimes yes, sometimes no) I'll talk to most anyone (men or women) around me in public if I have a comment I want to make. I like people, like noticing them; enjoy spreading good will around wherever I happen to be and sharing a laugh or two! I really don't care if they reject me or not. Not sure I'd notice if they did reject me, would most likely think they're just in a grouchy mood! Seems to me most people enjoy it when someone is fun and engages them.

 

I don't think I'd date someone I met that way, though, at this point since I did end up dating someone I met in a public place (though he spoke to me first) and it was a nightmare experience. The only reason I went out with him is because he is well known with a public career in our city. So I knew who he was. Had I known what he was really like by first asking mutual friends I would never have gone out with him. I learned a big lesson from that which is that it's very good to have some kind of reference from someone who knows the person you're going to go out with, imo.

Edited June 19, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[CptInsano]

... That's that. Now of course you don't expect that this the beginning of something - that only happens in the movies or TV shows. But if I went into said place or did a cold approach like that, I'd feel like an a******.

 

Why wouldn't something happen? My relationships started largely with people I chatted up in public. Of course I don't expect something to happen when I talk to somebody. You know nothing about the other person, so chances are you will need a lot of encounters to find somebody who is actually a match. In most situations you only have a nice chat, but realize that it will be just that and nothing more. And that is fine and normal, and doesn't say a whole lot about you.

 

I think this goes with the introversion I was feeling before, I'm afraid to even attempt anything for being hurt by others somehow. I'm tired of getting dumped or treated badly or lead on or told I am not good enough or crazy or whatever else. Approach and get shot down, have them approach you and you'll also get shot down. Thoughts or feelings?

 

That is the hard part. I feel better when I talk to somebody, even if nothing comes out of it. This is hard to do it you don't enjoy the interaction in itself, because in many cases it won't lead to anything more.

[tetrahedral]

I've read things that when the woman approaches the man first, that makes them stand out. Some say that it's refreshing for a man to have a woman approach them. And when I say "approach", what does that mean?

 

Approach is a loaded word. I think framing talking to a stranger as "approaching" them is a bad start. But there's certainly nothing wrong with being friendly around strangers.

 

My problem with the word "approach", is that it assigns a goal to your interaction. You want the stranger's phone number. You've made up your mind already. I don't think that's a healthy outlook.

 

But if you are friendly with a stranger, you can give them an opportunity to give you a reason to want their number.

 

If you want to call that an approach, so be it. So let's say you did that, the guy answers however he's going to answer, and ... That's that. I came across something on YouTube where they suggested doing something like go grocery shopping where they have prepared meals, you see someone who you think is cute, and then ask them something like "What are you having?" or "Didn't feel like cooking tonight?" If you want to call that an approach, so be it. So let's say you did that, the guy answers however he's going to answer, and ... That's that.

 

If that's that, what's wrong with it? By framing your brief chit-chat as an "approach", instead of routine human social interaction, you're getting caught up in the outcome.

 

Maybe this is a difference in gender perception, but I also find the suggestion from YouTube too immediately personal. What are YOU having? If I feel like starting a conversation with a stranger, I'd start with a comment. If the other person wants the interaction to continue they'll usually let you know.

 

Now of course you don't expect that this the beginning of something - that only happens in the movies or TV shows.

 

As a man, I think the fact that it "only happens in the movies" is precisely why random stranger interactions occasionally do lead to something. The last girl I was seeing was someone I met at a coffee shop. Women want to be blown off their feet. I'm sure this is pretty applicable to men as well.

 

If a conversation you had with someone felt like something out of a movie, then it means it worked. Unless that movie is Saw 3.

 

But if I went into said place or did a cold approach like that, I'd feel like an a******.

 

Again, this is a consequence of "approaching" rather than interacting. You made it a goal to get a contact out of an "approach", and you didn't, so you "failed". And you felt like an ******* because you went in with a goal in the first place.

 

I think this goes with the introversion I was feeling before, I'm afraid to even attempt anything for being hurt by others somehow. I'm tired of getting dumped or treated badly or lead on or told I am not good enough or crazy or whatever else. Approach and get shot down, have them approach you and you'll also get shot down. Thoughts or feelings?

 

Well, it's a catch-22 because the common theme is using an interaction with someone else as a referendum on your worth. You've gotta disentangle other people's approval from your self-esteem. It is easier said than done though.

[tetrahedral]

As for practical advice, I'd try to talk to someone who you don't necessarily think is cute.

 

Make a situational comment, if they laugh or respond, just leave it there. Just to get comfortable with the idea of talking in public.

[RecentChange]

I am an extrovert, if these examples are “approaches” I approach strangers every day!

 

I make chit chat when in lines, or on the train, or any place I may find myself waiting with others. I will initiate conversation with strangers at the grocery store. I make eye contact and smile often (just now I was walking down the street, saw a cute guy “look” – made eye contact with him and held it until he cracked a huge smile which I returned – each of us turning to look back and smile at each other as we walked by – I find those sort of little interactions fun).

 

Instead of thinking of it as “approaching” think of it as initiating conversation, because really, that is all it is. Sometimes I get “rejected” I may make a comment to someone, which could be a conversation starter, and they don’t engage. I think eh’ what a grump and leave it at that. I don’t take it personally as a rejection, because it wasn’t really an approach.

 

Practice talking to more people, people who you aren’t interested in, just so you get used to the idea of starting conversations.

 

And EYE contact. Seriously, make eye contact paired with a smile, it makes YOU approachable. Heh, again the grocery store – I remember once I made the oh so graceful move of climbing up a shelf to reach an item – caught a guy looking at me, and smiled at him and laughed at myself. He walked up and asked me out right then and there! Because I appeared friendly and approachable. Its inviting.

 

Its no secret on here that I had an affair, and looking back, if starting conversations is an “approach” I approached him first. We were sitting side by side on a train, and I started a conversation about a delay we were having. Turned into a long conversation about this and that, later I threw it out there that I would enjoy chatting again…. the rest was history.

Edited June 19, 2017 by RecentChange

[basil67]

Approach is a loaded word. I think framing talking to a stranger as "approaching" them is a bad start. But there's certainly nothing wrong with being friendly around strangers.

 

My problem with the word "approach", is that it assigns a goal to your interaction. You want the stranger's phone number. You've made up your mind already. I don't think that's a healthy outlook.

 

But if you are friendly with a stranger, you can give them an opportunity to give you a reason to want their number.

 

 

 

If that's that, what's wrong with it? By framing your brief chit-chat as an "approach", instead of routine human social interaction, you're getting caught up in the outcome.

 

I love this so much!!

 

Not only for the OP, but also for men who try to 'approach' women who are going about their day to day business.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I approached my husband first...I asked him to take me out first...I said i love you first.

 

I am an extrovert...he is an introvert. I am firendly...he is shy.

 

It worked out for me....married 45 years

[NuevoYorko]

Culturally we are conditioned to believe that men need to pursue. Some people even cite biology.

 

I think it's tired to be so stuck in gender roles; I don't care. If a woman I am attracted to approaches me, and I find the approach intriguing, I'm all in. It's likely I would have approached that same woman first, given the opportunity.

 

If you approach a man and he doesn't respond well, so be it. Maybe he doesn't like women approaching; probably you just weren't his type. If you feel like it you should do it.

[NuevoYorko]

I came across something on YouTube where they suggested doing something like go grocery shopping where they have prepared meals, you see someone who you think is cute, and then ask them something like "What are you having?" or "Didn't feel like cooking tonight?"

Those sound like tremendously awkward and dead end things to say.

 

One time a woman in Trader Joe's asked me to explain the qualities of some kind of cheese I was contemplating. I think she was "approaching" me and she was pretty cute; I was in a relationship so I talked cheese and moved on. She probably thought she "failed." I hope not, it was a charming entre.

[Bastile]

I think it's tired to be so stuck in gender roles; I don't care.

 

That's idealism over realism.

 

I've been opened by a lot of women in my life. It's pretty much how I relied on getting girlfriends through my teen years. Women still expect you to take the lead, despite getting the ball rolling. That scenario is merely escalating on green lights instead of amber – but it's still escalating. Men need to escalate, not come up with strange ideas for why they shouldn't.

 

Very few women want to be approaching a man, getting his number, initiating messaging, making a date invite, planning and paying for the date, initiating the sex, and counting notches.

 

Approach is a loaded word. I think framing talking to a stranger as "approaching" them is a bad start. But there's certainly nothing wrong with being friendly around strangers.

 

It's a great start actually, for men.

 

It's how I started. And admittedly it's putting the cart before the horse. Learning to be sociable is more important, but men are far more goal driven. And I stupidly ignored the experience of guys that had already walked the beaten track.

 

Doesn't really matter, you just reach the same conclusion by different means. The roads seem to lead to the same destination.

 

Here's a question that is probably repeating how many other threads past posted by others : Women who approach the man first, yeah or nay?

 

I really don't think that aping a male value-system with ideas such as cold-approaching is going to be the way forward.

 

Focus instead on putting yourself more in a position to be sociable and get the ball rolling. Then focus on your end of the dance, which is to respond/encourage/please/appease.

 

I read another thing of yours where you stated that you were becoming more and more of an introvert – this is just going to the other extreme. Just focus on getting yourself out in groups and meeting people.

 

Social circle game, not cold-approaching.