OM; she is in a 10-year relationship and loves both

[censoredcactus]

Hi everyone,

 

I am new to this forum and want to share my story.

 

About a year back I met a women in my new job. We began hanging out (as friends in the beginning) doing things like going to the movies or working out together. After one of those end of year celebrations we ended up kissing and became intimate. I had heard rumors that she had a boyfriend but he was more or less invisible to me even though we were becoming good friends and talking about so many things. This made me question if there really was someone or if she just says that to keep guys off.

 

We talked about that subject and she confirmed that she is in a long term relationship (approx. 10 years) with her boyfriend. I realized I was an affair and thought maybe she wants to have sex and a bit of fun. Because of my thinking I closed down emotionally to her meaning that I did not reveal if I had feelings for her or not and even pushed her away when we would talk about that topic.

 

She realized that and confessed that she was falling in love with me. This let me to put my guard down as well and I let my feelings take the lead. Her BF lives in a different state but comes visiting her as often as he can on the weekends. As far as I know they have a good relationship when it comes to interests, tastes and mentality. But sexually something went wrong in her relationship She cannot be intimate with him anymore (this has been going on for quite some years). She told him that he is like family to her and I think in that sense its natural that you have difficulty being romantic with someone you consider being more of a friend than a lover. This is what makes her question her relationship with him. She thinks it will come back at some point but it has not come back in so many years and romantic love does not work that way. The more you force yourself to love someone the less you will truly love him or her from my point of view. Because love should not be thought but felt. He would like to move in together with her and probably get married and have children, but she cannot commit fully to him, even before I came into her life. She questions what is wrong with her because everyone tells her how perfect her BF is (good looking, intelligent, kind, good job etc.). No one knows that their relationship is in that state. Most if not all of her friends think they are the perfect couple because I guess they pretend to be.

 

I guess she wanted to know what else is out there and if she is missing something out in life or if this is it. This is why there was a free spot, an open door if you want to so to allow me to come into her life.

 

We have been doing this for the last 5 months and it is lovely being with her.I feel so comfortable. It is the only weekends or when she calls him in the night every day when I always must think about her being with him. Even if they are not intimate they are still sharing beautiful moments with each other. She said if she could she would leave him. But there are two reasons why she currently cannot. Firstly, she loves him deeply, she admires him for so many of his qualities and feels inspired by him. They met in their early 20s so they grew strong connections through that important part of ones life. There is no doubt that she is part of him and he is part of her and loosing him would make her feel like loosing part of her identity and personality. The second reason is that she is afraid that if she leaves him, she will regret her decision for the rest of her life. He has been 'waiting for her to be ready' for such a long time even though she is not committing and he even relocated to be closer to her. Which is he will probably not come back when she decides to breakup. That last reason hurts me as it means to me that she would equally regret that she chose me.

 

I love her and it is difficult to be in this hurtful situation. I do not doubt that she loves me and neither do I doubt my feelings for her. When we are together nothing matters. There is no space or time. What makes this unique as well is that we know each other so well and we communicate on a level on which I never ever communicated with a girlfriend. I know her dark sides and she knows mine and we love each other for who we are. I can be myself with her and do not need to hide anything which makes me feel so free both physically and emotionally. But I wonder if something will ever change in her situation. She said she knows she needs to make a decision. She said she cannot keep this up for much longer. She hates living a double life and feels like the worst person to deceive her boyfriend. She has said that numerous times in the past, yet nothing is changing. I am patient because she is worth it and I am aware that it is a difficult position for her as well. I just do not know for how long I can keep this going. It is never easy to let go of someone you love. Regardless of it being him or me. I also believe that it will be harder for her to let him go unless she already distanced herself a bit from him emotionally throughout the past months. I mean 10 years is a lot of time.

 

I just do not know what to do. I feel like she will never make a decision and she will wait for me to say I need to move on making it easy for her to accept a decision rather than to take one herself. As for her BF I do not know what he thinks or how close he is to let her go (because of her not wanting to move in together, lack of sexual attraction etc.). But again he invested so much into their relationship that it is probably as hard as for her to let him go. For completeness he does obviously not know about us although I do question his perception about it. If my girlfriend would keep on evading topics such as moving in together and more commitment I would start worrying if there is someone else.

 

 

Thanks for your ears and time.

 

-censoredcactus

Edited June 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[anika99]

Hard for me to believe that this good looking intelligent kind man has gone years without sex just for the sake of a woman who won't have sex with him and that he only sees on weekends. Something mighty fishy about that story.

 

Why are you doing this to yourself? She is worth it you said. You know she is cheating and lying. Do you not think yourself worth more than that?

[DKT3]

Ok, first things first, cheaters lie. It appears that you are buying everything she is selling. To me her account isn't logical, but to you it makes perfect sense?

 

She has told you she loves him deeply, yet she is dishonest with him, so why would you that no she wouldn't be dishonest with you?

[freengreen]

Heres what I math:

 

Case study:

You can love two people at once, but in different ways. But for the sake of being kind and fair, you take vows to stay with one, however luring all others are because .. well, you chose to take vows.

 

But now you break the vow and get pieces of all the love you want from two people.

 

Summary: You love yourself more than anyone else, you have to have everything you want, if one cant give you everything ( no one can really, we all are uniquely flawed)... so be it with two of them...

 

Does this appear to be the beautiful love we know?

[jenkins95]

Heres what I math:

 

Case study:

You can love two people at once, but in different ways. But for the sake of being kind and fair, you take vows to stay with one, however luring all others are because .. well, you chose to take vows.

 

But now you break the vow and get pieces of all the love you want from two people.

 

Summary: You love yourself more than anyone else, you have to have everything you want, if one cant give you everything ( no one can really, we all are uniquely flawed)... so be it with two of them...

 

Does this appear to be the beautiful love we know?

 

Brilliant freengreen.

 

Yes, cake eaters claim to love their spouse and their AP, and maybe they do.

 

But they love themselves most.

[LivingWaterPlease]

From what you've written I doubt this woman loves anyone including and especially herself. If she did love herself, she would treat herself much better in that she would choose to be faithful to one person thus ensuring her long term happiness.

 

Seems to me she is a selfish person who is most likely physically attractive, very charming and perhaps quite intelligent.

 

She really has nothing to offer any man at this point, imo, except excitement and, as you put it, beautiful moments. But behind those beautiful moments is a cavern of despair waiting to claim any man who falls in love with her.

 

This is a very confused person who will grab at anything that can help her escape her low self esteem, ride it for all it's worth, and let it go when it threatens her connection to her rock, the man who unknowingly supports her and gives her a sense of security.

 

Because she has a deep void within her she can't be intimate with anyone; there is nothing beneath the surface to share. The reason she isn't interested in sex with her main guy is because sex is superficial to her and of value for it's novelty, passion and excitement only, not for the intimacy that should be a prerequisite for it.

 

As long as your relationship with her is novel and lacking in too much togetherness the two of you will enjoy having sex. If she were to leave her man and be with you her sexual desire for you would dissipate as it's all based on the lack of commitment you share and on a superficial connection only.

 

From what you've posted of what she's told you about her bf she's not going to leave him. But she does enjoy your attention and will use you as long as you'll allow it. You're in for a lot of drama and roller coaster-type feelings and experiences for as long as you stay with her. The longer you're with her the less valuable you'll be to her.

 

In your place I'd cut your losses and run!

[somanymistakes]

From what you've written I doubt this woman loves anyone including and especially herself. If she did love herself, she would treat herself much better in that she would choose to be faithful to one person thus ensuring her long term happiness.

 

that's kind of... not quite circular logic, but it's a bit of an unfair presumption.

 

if being faithful to one person ensured long-term happiness we wouldn't have so many unhappy people on these boards...

 

i mean i could say "i think blondes are happier, you haven't dyed your hair so obviously you don't love yourself and therefore can never love anyone else" and the lack of logic would be obvious i think...

 

From what you've posted of what she's told you about her bf she's not going to leave him. But she does enjoy your attention and will use you as long as you'll allow it. You're in for a lot of drama and roller coaster-type feelings and experiences for as long as you stay with her. The longer you're with her the less valuable you'll be to her.

 

but this part I completely agree with

 

she's happy being the way she is, she is not interested in leaving him for the OP, she enjoys the way this situation makes her feel

[LivingWaterPlease]

somanymistakes, you and I see the situation from different perspectives but what I wrote I believe to be solid.

[ms millie]

So this woman has a 10 year relationship, supposedly sexless, and yet has spent five or more months being your lover. Either she is terrified of having no one and thus keeps him, or she is just using you. Plus this whole weekend thing is very odd. Obviously Mr. 10 Years doesn't know you exist. It's always the side chic/side guy who knows there's a third wheel to the bicycle. I feel awful for you. I have been with a MM and also a guy in a LTR who would call or be on the phone with their #1 and there is nothing that feels worse than having to be invisible. Move on, don't wait, you will never be #1.

[Bufo]

This situation/relationship is very strange. She has a LDR boyfriend with whom she has been in a sexless relationship for 10 years. That certainly isn't the norm.

 

She's sleeping with you yet doesn't want more. Ditto

 

She's beginning to have feelings for you yet won't end the LDR relationship.

 

You have not been friendzoned. You are either her FWB or that rarest of all men: the beta orbiter who has a sexual relationship with the object of his desires.

 

You are in a contest of sorts with Mr LDR for her affections. You're not exactly losing, but you're not winning either. Something keeps her returning to him. She probably won't tell you what even if she knows. But she seems to enjoy the attentions of two men.

 

This is not the formula for romantic success. Do you see yourself in a long term relationship with her should your rival quit the contest? Would you suspect that you were Plan B? How would you know? Rule One for me was never to be Plan B. And I never regretted it. Right now with thoughts always turning to him she certainly isn't putting you first.

 

I'm not telling you to stay or bail out. I'm suggesting you think long and hard about this relationship. Don't be stuck in a one way exclusive relationship with her. To her credit she's certainly being forthcoming about her desires to remain in her relationship with him. The path forward is yours to choose.