Husband wants to leave me to move overseas by himself

[Ann_22]

I moved out from my husband 2 and a half weeks ago and am really struggling. He told me that he doesn’t see a future for us and he has been secretly applying for jobs in Canada since December last year.

 

We’ve been together for 4 years, having met briefly in Australia (where we are both from). We were together for about 1 month before he took a job in Canada and we decided to try long distance. I went back and forth on trips to Canada until we got married and I went to live with him in Canada.

 

We were there together for a year, but in that time I struggled to cope a bit. I missed my friends and family and I couldn’t find a job either. We had some great times there too though and went on lots of adventures. When my husband was made redundant we made the joint decision to come back to Australia last October.

 

We moved into his Mother’s empty apartment and about a week after he got back, he started to disengage from me. There was little affection shown and almost no sex. We started seeing a couples’ counsellor but he didn’t want to complete any of the activities that she set for us. He has no motivation to do things together on the weekends. He refuses to make any future plans, such as even finding a place of our own and moving out of his Mother’s apartment. He is clearly depressed and I’ve suggested he see a counsellor on his own, but he won’t even do that.

 

We’ve gone through periods where both of us just pretend that things are ok, but every few weeks I get frustrated with the complete lack of affection and try to talk about it with him to no avail. I’ve started having panic attacks and anxiety which is affecting every aspect of my life at the moment. About a month or so ago I tried to talk to him about the situation again and he told me that he can’t stop thinking about Canada and he thinks he wants to go back there and he doesn’t see himself living in Australia in the long term. That greatly hurt me, that he can care more about a country than working things out with me.

 

I stayed at the apartment for a couple more weeks but he started sleeping in the spare room even though I didn’t want him to. I tried to get him to see that if he reengaged with the marriage that we could get through this and look at other overseas opportunities together, but he said he wasn’t sure. I even offered to consider going back to Canada with him but he said no.

 

I got desperate and looked at his external hard drive and that’s when I found out that he has been applying for jobs in Canada since December last year. Planning his future without me in another country just a couple of days after our first counselling session. I decided I couldn’t sit in the apartment with him, just waiting for him to come home one day and say that he had gotten a job and was going back to Canada, so I left and am staying in an AirBnB at the moment. He doesn’t know I looked on his hard drive yet.

 

He called me last weekend and I tried to get him to reconsider and work on our marriage but he said he doesn’t see us having a future together and that we don’t have anything in common, which I don’t believe to be true and he can’t give me any good examples of what we don’t have in common.

 

I don’t know what to do. I love him and really don’t want this to end but I can’t get him to try and work on things with me. It’s like he never came back from Canada with me, and now he is abandoning me and forgetting about the vows and the commitments we made just under two years ago. I just feel completely shattered and heartbroken that he has just given up on us.

 

Not sure what I’m looking for, but any advice/thoughts would be appreciated.

[PegNosePete]

I would say it's quite likely he's got another woman in Canada.

 

If he's made up his mind that he doesn't want to be in the marriage any more then there's nothing you can do except to accept his choice. And clearly, his mind is made up.

 

The best thing you can do is to get divorced before he leaves, because divorcing when one partner lives overseas will make it exponentially more complicated.

[Ann_22]

I'm pretty sure there isn't another woman. I have asked him and he has said there isn't and he wouldn't have the energy or motivation for that anyway at the moment. He didn't really have any opportunity to meet up with another woman when we were in Canada either.

 

Either way, I think he has made up his mind, I'm just finding it really hard to accept ...

[elaine567]

I guess he isn't really depressed, he is unhappy with his life and the "depression" will most likely miraculously lift as soon as he gets a new job in Canada and leaves you behind, I am sorry to say.

 

I also guess there is some other woman in Canada, in the mix somewhere. I am not sure why you feel he had no opportunity to meet another woman, when you were long distance for quite a while.

He is done.

Get a lawyer ASAP and get your ducks in a row.

[somanymistakes]

It is possible that he just likes Canada a whole lot better than Australia and wants to go back. You were homesick for your friends and family in Australia. He's clearly much more attached to Canada and doesn't want to be in Australia.

 

People here will always suspect affairs, but the fact that he doesn't want YOU to go back there with him is what suggests there might be someone else he's interested in. Not necessarily actually dating, but interested in. But it's absolutely not a guarantee. We're just primed to think that way around here!

 

If you were sufficiently unhappy in Canada and really wanted to come home he may just think this is a basic incompatibility and that dragging you back to Canada would just be a huge upheaval and expense that would only lead to more breakdown in the long run. You weren't really happy there and couldn't find a job. He doesn't want to force you back into that situation of being unhappy for his sake, it makes both of you feel bad.

 

Unfortunately it seems most like you're both destined to go in different directions with your lives.

[anika99]

I don't get the impression from your post that there is another woman. I do get the impression that your husband has made up his mind and that you won't be able to change it. Perhaps he wasn't ready for marriage. You say it was a long distance relationship until you married him. Perhaps the reality of marriage isn't what your husband was expecting.

 

In a way long distance relationships don't develop the same way as most relationships. The distance and missing one another tends to make them more intense and romantic and there is an element of fantasy. Almost like they get stuck in the infatuation stage of the relationship. Perhaps marriage and day to day married life isn't appealing to your husband and he just wants to be free again.

[Lauradlou]

I am really sorry about your situation. I understand why you would feel hurt, frustrated and at a loss. You did the right thing by going straight to a counselor, but it is so hard if the other person is not engaged in it as well. I will pray for reconciliation for the two of you and pray for you to have wisdom and strength. Again, I am sorry and wish you all the best!

[Poppyolive]

I'm sorry you're going through this. From reading your post, as I don't know either of you, I think your relationship/marriage was not built on a solid foundation. Long distance, then moving and marrying him, straight into difficult times for you (your unhappiness in Canada). Then his difficult times (finding out he isn't happy being back in Australia). To now him, realising you both want different things, (him Canada & happiness, you Australia). I'm sure there is a way to unravel, compromise and work through your marriage, but, sadly he isn't commited enough to you or the marriage to do so. Maybe he is just jaded. Take space for now.

 

Wanted to add, fellow traveler here. Lived in a few different countries. I remember living in New York and longing to return to Edinburgh Scotland. I would often check Edinburgh weather, jobs there, etc....I'm saying this because, just because he was looking at jobs posts in Canada doesn't necessarily mean he was planning to go without you. I think it is very possible he missed there, longed to be back there, etc. From expierence, moving somewhere realising it's not for you is very sad, scary, and isolating. This is where you might see this and think it's depression. Which I don't think it is. It's almost like his freedom has been clipped having realised Australia isn't for him.

 

Take space. Let him figure out what he wants. He may need lots of long walks to figure out his head. Give him that. In the meantime, please take care.

[Whodatdog]

For some reason something back in Canada is drawing him back, and he is really wanting to go. Mentally, he is already divorced from you, because he is thinking of the move to Canada without you, and that isnt just a rash decision. If it were just Canada, I would think he would want to move with you. Since he doesnt, he is done with the marriage, for whatever reason.

[SammySammy]

One thing that I've learned in life is that you can't control other people. I can only control myself.

 

You can talk to him. See if he's willing to save the marriage. See if he's willing to stay in Australia or you're willing to go to Canada. If not, then it's time to do what's best for you.

 

Having been through a painful divorce - beside the basic necessities like food and shelter - I know what you need most is peace of mind. I needed peace, despite the hurt, before doing what was necessary to face my future on my own terms.

 

I hope you're able to find peace. And realize you have the strength to go therough this.

[sandylee1]

My gut was also a love interest in Canada. Whether there is or isn't, the fact is that he doesn't want the marriage.

 

You can't make him love you and it's best to maintain self respect and dignity, otherwise your self esteem will take a battering.

 

If you love him, let him go and be happy in Canada or wherever else he wants to be.

 

I get the feeling with the whole long distance relationship, you didn't know each other as well as you think you did.

 

When a man has

- no sexual interest in you.

- Refuses to follow the advice of a couples counsellor

- Sees no future

- moves to the spare room

 

It's more than clear he's checked out of the marriage. Something in Canada is pulling him there. Never ever think that one doesn't have time for an affair.

 

Where there is a will,

there is a way.

 

I'd file for a divorce and move on, being grateful you don't have kids together.