Why we cheat.

[Overtaxed]

Thought this was an interesting article; especially the part quoted below:

 

Why do men cheat?

Sex: 44 percent

Variety: 40 percent

More satisfying sex: 38 percent

Excitement: 30 percent

 

Why do women cheat?

Emotional attention: 40 percent

Excitement: 30 percent

Being reassured of their desirability: 33 percent

Falling in love with someone else: 20 percent

More satisfying sex: 20 percent

 

This is the fundamental disconnect between men and women in A's, and is the reason, I think, that so many women wind up torn to shreds by an A while the man "skates off". Look at the man's list above. Every single thing on that list is basically "sex". I guess "excitement" you could possibly say is a "new romance", but, honestly, most of that 30% is probably talking about "exciting sex".

 

Then look at the woman's list. The thing I just can't seem to get through my head (and was my W's reason for cheating) is that "emotional attention" at 40%, the primary reason women cheat. But, here's the thing, that attention is very often a lie; it's a lie from the man to get the woman to provide the sex that he wants from the relationship. I look at the woman's list and think to myself, how often do they "really" get that from an A? How often are those words sincere, do they lead to a lasting bond, do they actually line up with the AP's actions. It makes me sad, it really does, my W tore us and our marriage apart for something that wasn't even real, just lies strung together to get her to have sex. The sex though, the reason her AP was there, that was real. It really happened, there's not denying the "sincerity" of that.

 

I often think to myself, "Why would a woman do this to herself" (forget about her BS for a second)? It just seems that in almost all cases, she's not going to get what she wants out of the A. Almost all A's blow up and wind up with the AP burning the other AP to the ground when the wife/husband finds out. Pulling back all those words, exposing how they were a bunch of lines or lies (or both). If you did it for the sex, at least you know that "really happened" you have that experience/orgasm/intensity to look back on. But the words, in so many cases, my W's, and those I read here, are so often just a web of lies designed to lead to sex. Because, look above, that's why men do this, it's not to get a new/closer emotional connection to someone, it's for sex.

 

While I can't stand cheating, especially now after it's hit my home, I can understand how it happens when the partners realize "this is for sex". What I can't understand is the stories where "he/she loved me" because, I think we all know, that's very unlikely given the make up/nature of an A. It makes sense to me why men seek out an AP, it doesn't make sense to me why a woman allows herself to enter into it; I suppose that's really my primary question/point. Yes, I think most women enter into it with the thought that "he loves me", and "I'm special", but that's so rarely the case, it begs the question, why did you think that; why did you let yourself believe that?

 

No. 1 Reason Men and Women Cheat - Netscape Love

[Texashunter]

The thing I noticed in that survey was that the typical affair only lasts a week. My biggest question in my case was why then long term affairs like my wife..17 months with only 2 1/2 sexual i counters but yet so willing to continue the affair knowing they are 90% likely to never see each other in person nor have sex again. Having no feelings of regret continuing the affair while with their spouse. For instance mine took time while we were out as a family to check her email then run to the bathroom to send a nude pic and then rejoin the family..emotional..sexual..I still feel confused behind her motives...how special she must have felt when he dumped her in the middle of having their everyday fun that day only to find her emails "none deliverable". This man she sold her family for now gone as quick as he came..

Edited June 19, 2017 by Texashunter

[BetrayedH]

Women are willing to provide sex to get an emotional attachment. Men will offer an emotional attachment to get sex.

 

Men, generally, are trained from an early age how to mimic that emotional attachment in order to get laid. Some are skilled at it. I think many women involved with married men think that there must be an emotional attachment if the man is going to risk his marriage, kids, and potentially his career to be with her. Plus, this feeds the need to feel desirable; it provides a solid boost of external validation. It make her feel that she must really be something special if he's going to take all of these risks, just to be with me (sometimes just for a few fleeting moments).

[TheWoman]

Im no expert in this particular area, however why was the sex real and her getting emotional attention was not? Because I am not sure that sincerity is required for either - sex and emotional attention can both be loving and equally both can be more superficial.

 

And when you say women want emotional attention - what that means is that they want to feel seen and heard for who they are - and that is something that is missing in their life or there is not enough of it. Love whilst wonderful is not required for that.

 

Although I guess many women trick themselves into thinking it is more than that. Many women also need to feel loved in order to feel comfortable enough to have sex, as we are conditioned to think that way from childhood (movies, songs, role models, mothers etc). Making it unfortunately the emotional price of admission to sex, certainly more detrimental to the woman fooling herself than the guy going along with it.

[Overtaxed]

The thing I noticed in that survey was that the typical affair only lasts a week. My biggest question in my case was why then long term affairs like my wife..17 months with only 2 1/2 sexual i counters but yet so willing to continue the affair knowing they are 90% likely to never see each other in person nor have sex again. Having no feelings of regret continuing the affair while with their spouse. For instance mine took time while we were out as a family to check her email then run to the bathroom to send a nude pic and then rejoin the family..emotional..sexual..I still feel confused behind her motives...how special she must have felt when he dumped her in the middle of having their everyday fun that day only to find her emails "none deliverable". This man she sold her family for now gone as quick as he came..

 

I know, same here TH. It's because the emotional attachment was fake; he never cared for her, he cared for the possibility of sex at some point and the nude pics. If she had taken both of them "off the table" (and he really believed it!), he would have been gone. It's why he's gone now, he knows there's no more sex for him because of your discovery.

 

But, yes, that's exactly the point of my post, it's perplexing, it really is.

[Overtaxed]

Im no expert in this particular area, however why was the sex real and her getting emotional attention was not? Because I am not sure that sincerity is required for either - sex and emotional attention can both be loving and equally both can be more superficial.

 

And when you say women want emotional attention - what that means is that they want to feel seen and heard for who they are - and that is something that is missing in their life or there is not enough of it. Love whilst wonderful is not required for that.

 

Although I guess many women trick themselves into thinking it is more than that. Many women also need to feel loved in order to feel comfortable enough to have sex, as we are conditioned to think that way from childhood (movies, songs, role models, mothers etc). Making it unfortunately the emotional price of admission to sex, certainly more detrimental to the woman fooling herself than the guy going along with it.

 

Because, IMHO, most of the time the "emotional attachment" is nothing more than words. Words without the actions and feeling behind them, another poster said it above, men are good at doing a "mimic" of this behavior, most of us have done it our entire lives to have sex, and, in an A, it's almost certain that there's a mimic going on because of the situation.

 

I guess, softening it a bit, there's no question the sex was "real". It really did happen, yes, there might have been some "acting" going on during the sex (more often from the woman), but, it still really happened. The "I love you's", while they really happened, without action behind them, IMHO, they aren't "real". Like saying "I want to have sex with you" and then not having sex with them, most men would never enter into an A where all they were going to get was talk about sex; they want the actions, not the talk. It's just surprising that people entering into an A for emotional reasons don't demand actions around the level of emotional involvement (which would typically mean leaving the BS).

[somanymistakes]

What's so perplexing about it? You didn't quote emotional ATTACHMENT, you quoted ATTENTION. And if there's one thing the guy seducing a woman into a new affair is good at, it's ATTENTION. He pays attention to her, her husband doesn't. He flatters her, he tells her she's important and attractive and wonderful. That's exactly what she wants.

 

ATTENTION does not say she's looking for true love. Only the little 20% in your quoted list think they're in love. The rest of the woman's list is "attention" and "sex". (Being reassured of their desirability is both attention and sex.)

 

That one-week-long affair, a guy briefly wining and dining you to try and win you and maybe bed you, and then you never see him again? A lot of women are perfectly okay with that. They got attention, they felt special, they felt desirable, they got laid. They got what they wanted.

 

But those people aren't going to post on the forums here about how heartbroken they are as OWs.

[Overtaxed]

What's so perplexing about it? You didn't quote emotional ATTACHMENT, you quoted ATTENTION. And if there's one thing the guy seducing a woman into a new affair is good at, it's ATTENTION. He pays attention to her, her husband doesn't. He flatters her, he tells her she's important and attractive and wonderful. That's exactly what she wants.

 

ATTENTION does not say she's looking for true love. Only the little 20% in your quoted list think they're in love. The rest of the woman's list is "attention" and "sex". (Being reassured of their desirability is both attention and sex.)

 

That one-week-long affair, a guy briefly wining and dining you to try and win you and maybe bed you, and then you never see him again? A lot of women are perfectly okay with that. They got attention, they felt special, they felt desirable, they got laid. They got what they wanted.

 

But those people aren't going to post on the forums here about how heartbroken they are as OWs.

 

Good points (especially about the self-selection here in this forum).

[elaine567]

I know, same here TH. It's because the emotional attachment was fake; he never cared for her, he cared for the possibility of sex at some point and the nude pics. If she had taken both of them "off the table" (and he really believed it!), he would have been gone. It's why he's gone now, he knows there's no more sex for him because of your discovery.

 

 

Ok but most men if sex and nude pics are "off the table" will rapidly lose attraction for a woman.

Do you think your marriage would last long if your wife took sex "off the table" completely tomorrow?

[understand50]

Overtaxed,

 

I think you also have to realize the some women are fine, in the whole getting something on the side for a time, or having "fun" While more women may fall for a attachment, and think they are in love, I think more are in the "it is just Sex" then we all would like to admit. Point is, we cannot make generalizations, all women are different. Same with men. You seem to be figuring out, the "why", but the "why" is different for everyone. From, it was fun, and no one would find out, to I hate my spouse, to I fell in love, to I just was horny, and damn the consequences. In my wife case, for her ONS, she was winning a bet. Go figure.

 

I think, that you will need to key in yours and your WS's circumstances, to get the "why". She maybe normal, but she is unique. What a 100 women did and why, will never really tell you "Why" your WS fell. I do think that in many cases, a perfect storm has to happen. There has to be a OM waiting and trying to have a sexual relationship. She has to be primed, or open to the idea, and will to go down the path of an affair. Take one part away, and nothing happens. Of course, there is is the serial cheater, but that is another subject.

 

I wish you luck.....

[Overtaxed]

Ok but most men if sex and nude pics are "off the table" will rapidly lose attraction for a woman.

Do you think your marriage would last long if your wife took sex "off the table" completely tomorrow?

 

For no reason, no, I do not. For a good reason (and we've had this happen in our marriage, injury/surgery, etc) yes, I have no doubt it would last; we've had months long stretches where there was no sex because of this in the past.

 

What your saying, in essence, is that the only reason men interact with women is for sex. And, in general, I think that's true; but, with your wife, it really is different. You have built a life together, you care about each other deeply, you can wait out problems or work around them, as a team.

 

But with an AP, no, I don't think that's at all the case in most situations. If my W's AP had come into her life at the time when she couldn't have sex because of medical reasons, I have no doubt, he would have moved on.

 

I think we actually agree, we're just coming at it differently. I could be wrong, but, in general, take sex off the table, most men won't interact with women on an emotional/deep level at all; it's the nature of male/female relationships.

[GoldenR]

Im no expert in this particular area, however why was the sex real and her getting emotional attention was not? Because I am not sure that sincerity is required for either - sex and emotional attention can both be loving and equally both can be more superficial.

 

For guys, if his penis is in her vagina, the sex is real.

[Overtaxed]

Overtaxed,

 

I think you also have to realize the some women are fine, in the whole getting something on the side for a time, or having "fun" While more women may fall for a attachment, and think they are in love, I think more are in the "it is just Sex" then we all would like to admit. Point is, we cannot make generalizations, all women are different. Same with men. You seem to be figuring out, the "why", but the "why" is different for everyone. From, it was fun, and no one would find out, to I hate my spouse, to I fell in love, to I just was horny, and damn the consequences. In my wife case, for her ONS, she was winning a bet. Go figure.

 

I think, that you will need to key in yours and your WS's circumstances, to get the "why". She maybe normal, but she is unique. What a 100 women did and why, will never really tell you "Why" your WS fell. I do think that in many cases, a perfect storm has to happen. There has to be a OM waiting and trying to have a sexual relationship. She has to be primed, or open to the idea, and will to go down the path of an affair. Take one part away, and nothing happens. Of course, there is is the serial cheater, but that is another subject.

 

I wish you luck.....

 

I guess, end of the day, I just don't understand the urge for the emotional connection from someone who's actions are entirely counter to the connection they are offering. "I love you", but I'm trying to/helping you destroy your life. "I love my wife and kids" while I'm sleeping with someone else. "I want to run away with you" but not making a single plan to do so.

 

I just wanted to have sex with someone else, that's a reason that makes sense to me. You want something, and your actions are consistent, entering into an A, your likely going to get that. Our sex life is boring? Also makes sense. Your going to get different sex out of it, so it lines up. In some ways, these answers would be easier to hear from my WW; it would "make sense" to me.

 

Perfect storm indeed, that's certainly my situation.

 

Listen, I know my view isn't the only view, and it's not the right view either. I'm just blowing off a little steam here, not at my WW, but more at the post after post I see in the WS's forum that seem so obvious to me; he's doing this to you/with you because he doesn't freaking care! How is that so hard to understand??

[Overtaxed]

For guys, if his penis is in her vagina, the sex is real.

 

Yup. The fact that she's lying about wanting it, maybe not even enjoying it, faking orgasms, etc.. Matters not at all to most men, especially those who are in A's. It's as real as it gets.

[somanymistakes]

I could be wrong, but, in general, take sex off the table, most men won't interact with women on an emotional/deep level at all; it's the nature of male/female relationships.

 

It's interesting actually with online communities where sex isn't apparent at all and people don't know who's who until they've interacted with each other for a long time and developed friendships. (Not this one because sex is more visible here and we're always talking about it all the time anyway but communities around various interests where it doesn't really matter until suddenly you find out that OH that poster's a dude/lady)

 

in my experience in those communities most people don't care when the gender comes out and many can't be bothered to remember, but some people do suddenly act REALLY WEIRD when they find out someone's female. either there's the all of a sudden 'will you be my girlfriend'? (which is pretty dumb when all you've found out is that they're a girl, not how old they are, whether they're married, or where they live) or there's the people who are like "Oh, I'm so sorry! I would never have actually engaged you in debate about this subject we're both interested in if I'd realised you were a woman!" because they think it's impolite to disagree with a lady so they'd rather just not talk to one at all. The rarest is the outright sexist "Oh, you're female! Therefore everything you've said is clearly wrong." but honestly i don't see that much in the places I go.

 

I have no experience of whether people suddenly treat you differently if they find out you're male, obviously!

[Overtaxed]

It's interesting actually with online communities where sex isn't apparent at all and people don't know who's who until they've interacted with each other for a long time and developed friendships. (Not this one because sex is more visible here and we're always talking about it all the time anyway but communities around various interests where it doesn't really matter until suddenly you find out that OH that poster's a dude/lady)

 

in my experience in those communities most people don't care when the gender comes out and many can't be bothered to remember, but some people do suddenly act REALLY WEIRD when they find out someone's female. either there's the all of a sudden 'will you be my girlfriend'? (which is pretty dumb when all you've found out is that they're a girl, not how old they are, whether they're married, or where they live) or there's the people who are like "Oh, I'm so sorry! I would never have actually engaged you in debate about this subject we're both interested in if I'd realised you were a woman!" because they think it's impolite to disagree with a lady so they'd rather just not talk to one at all. The rarest is the outright sexist "Oh, you're female! Therefore everything you've said is clearly wrong." but honestly i don't see that much in the places I go.

 

I have no experience of whether people suddenly treat you differently if they find out you're male, obviously!

 

It's very interesting. Same thing here, at least initially, because I had no idea if most posters were male/female. It does typically come out here pretty quickly, but, online is fantastic because there's no physical attraction at all (obviously, at least in a forum like this) so people get taken, by both sexes, at face value.

 

Now, thing is, if we all knew, for example, that you are a drop dead beautiful woman, yes, I think you'd find that your interactions with the men on this forum would be different. A lot more PM's. Because we (guys) simply cannot separate the two; as soon as we're sexually attracted to a woman, it colors all our interactions with her. Some are better at hiding it than others, but, when we you have a forum like this, it's really an opportunity for men and women to interact with one another without "sexual clouding". But as soon as it's in person, or, on the phone, things change quickly. It's a bit off topic, but it goes back to that video I love "Can men and women be friends".

[wmacbride]

I think the premise in the op is too simple. It seems to make the assumption that the mm is out prowling around like some predator looking for some damsel in distress to trick her into bed.

 

I know that happens, but if the words written on here are any indication, there is often a lot more going on. Some men are looking for an emotional connection, some women are only after sex.Some are "self medicating", some self flagellating because they think they don't deserve any better, some don't know just how or why they got into the affair and some are, well, some are just knobs.

[Overtaxed]

I think the premise in the op is too simple. It seems to make the assumption that the mm is out prowling around like some predator looking for some damsel in distress to trick her into bed.

 

I know that happens, but if the words written on here are any indication, there is often a lot more going on. Some men are looking for an emotional connection, some women are only after sex.Some are "self medicating", some self flagellating because they think they don't deserve any better, some don't know just how or why they got into the affair and some are, well, some are just knobs.

 

Your right, of course, the premise is far too simple, and it's not typically as "clear cut" as I make it out to be. In the absence of other evidence, I'd say that is the typical pattern, men looking for additional sex, women providing it for an emotional connection. But, yes, some women really are on the prowl for sex. Some women know what they are getting into and are willing to make the trade; nice words for sex. Some men really don't want anything physical and would be happy to play words with friends with a woman all night.

 

But, in general, even out of an A, the pattern holds. Men initiate a connection with a woman to try to eventually have sex with her. It's very rare that it goes in the other direction. Men escalate the interaction from "just friends" to "flirting" to "sex". Again, typical in and out of an A. And women playing the "damsel in distress" no matter what their true intentions are, in many ways, because that's the role that's expected of them (just like our role is "escalate to sex").

 

Is it every A? No way, maybe not even most of them. But, a lot of A's do follow this pattern, so IMHO, it's worth examining. Trade of kind words for sex does seem to be the common theme.

[knabe]

I haven't read every post, but when you talk about sex versus emotion and refer to one as "real" and the other as "fake," you have sort of answered your own question.

 

Here's what I mean: In referring to sex as real, that means it is tangible, and therefore valuable, and important. That is because it is important to you.

 

When you refer to words and emotions as fake, you are basically saying the opposite. It isn't "tangible," therefore it is not real, or valuable, or important....to you.

 

So if sex is important and loving words and attention are not (to you), guess what you probably do NOT do a whole lot of?

 

I am NOT saying affairs are ever justified. They are not. They are always wrong and always the choice of the cheater, 100%. Those who want to deflect and ascribe that meaning to what I said are choosing to do so (probably as a defense mechanism). If I cheat, it is ON ME. No matter what my spouse has or has not done. Period. Accountability.

 

All I am saying is that you have just revealed that you think sex is important and emotions are not. And if your spouse values emotions and attention, then she/he are likely vulnerable.

 

People cheat because they choose to. End of story. They are NOT forced into it or driven into it. And if they really want to, nothing will stop them.

 

But if you know they value something in a relationship, whether YOU think it's "real" or not, it might be a good idea to meet that need.

 

Dismiss it if you want. It's no skin off my back.

[wmacbride]

Your right, of course, the premise is far too simple, and it's not typically as "clear cut" as I make it out to be. In the absence of other evidence, I'd say that is the typical pattern, men looking for additional sex, women providing it for an emotional connection. But, yes, some women really are on the prowl for sex. Some women know what they are getting into and are willing to make the trade; nice words for sex. Some men really don't want anything physical and would be happy to play words with friends with a woman all night.

 

But, in general, even out of an A, the pattern holds. Men initiate a connection with a woman to try to eventually have sex with her. It's very rare that it goes in the other direction. Men escalate the interaction from "just friends" to "flirting" to "sex". Again, typical in and out of an A. And women playing the "damsel in distress" no matter what their true intentions are, in many ways, because that's the role that's expected of them (just like our role is "escalate to sex").

 

Is it every A? No way, maybe not even most of them. But, a lot of A's do follow this pattern, so IMHO, it's worth examining. Trade of kind words for sex does seem to be the common theme.

 

I was never, ever told to act like a damsel in distress. In fact, I was told the exact opposite. To stand on my own two feet.

[Overtaxed]

I haven't read every post, but when you talk about sex versus emotion and refer to one as "real" and the other as "fake," you have sort of answered your own question.

 

Here's what I mean: In referring to sex as real, that means it is tangible, and therefore valuable, and important. That is because it is important to you.

 

When you refer to words and emotions as fake, you are basically saying the opposite. It isn't "tangible," therefore it is not real, or valuable, or important....to you.

 

So if sex is important and loving words and attention are not (to you), guess what you probably do NOT do a whole lot of?

 

I am NOT saying affairs are ever justified. They are not. They are always wrong and always the choice of the cheater, 100%. Those who want to deflect and ascribe that meaning to what I said are choosing to do so (probably as a defense mechanism). If I cheat, it is ON ME. No matter what my spouse has or has not done. Period. Accountability.

 

All I am saying is that you have just revealed that you think sex is important and emotions are not. And if your spouse values emotions and attention, then she/he are likely vulnerable.

 

People cheat because they choose to. End of story. They are NOT forced into it or driven into it. And if they really want to, nothing will stop them.

 

But if you know they value something in a relationship, whether YOU think it's "real" or not, it might be a good idea to meet that need.

 

Dismiss it if you want. It's no skin off my back.

 

You're absolutely right, it's one of the biggest things I'm working on in my relationship.

 

But it's not exactly that emotions "aren't real", it's that in an A, the emotions, more often than not, from the man, "aren't real".

 

I'm not sure I can draw a parallel, but, I'll try. Imagine if men often cheated for sex. Imagine if that "sex" however, wasn't actually sex with another woman, it was masturbating with another woman in the room while she watched. Sure, it's kind of like sex (and no offense intended to those who are dealing with cyber affairs, I know they are terribly hurtful as well). But.. It's not actually sex; it's a simulation of sex that kind of feels the same, but, most would agree, it's not at all "as good" as the "real thing".

 

So, continuing my poor analogy, would many men enter into that deal? You get "fake sex" and get to give the emotional closeness that your AP desires (real or fake). I suspect the answer is "no". It's not that emotions aren't real, it's that emotions without actions aren't generally truthful.

 

Maybe this is too deep in the rabbit hole, it just seems to me that most men walk away from an A getting what they wanted, where most women do not unless they really just wanted someone to say "whatever it takes" to have sex with them, even if they were just empty words.

[knabe]

You're absolutely right, it's one of the biggest things I'm working on in my relationship.

 

But it's not exactly that emotions "aren't real", it's that in an A, the emotions, more often than not, from the man, "aren't real".

 

I'm not sure I can draw a parallel, but, I'll try. Imagine if men often cheated for sex. Imagine if that "sex" however, wasn't actually sex with another woman, it was masturbating with another woman in the room while she watched. Sure, it's kind of like sex (and no offense intended to those who are dealing with cyber affairs, I know they are terribly hurtful as well). But.. It's not actually sex; it's a simulation of sex that kind of feels the same, but, most would agree, it's not at all "as good" as the "real thing".

 

So, continuing my poor analogy, would many men enter into that deal? You get "fake sex" and get to give the emotional closeness that your AP desires (real or fake). I suspect the answer is "no". It's not that emotions aren't real, it's that emotions without actions aren't generally truthful.

 

Maybe this is too deep in the rabbit hole, it just seems to me that most men walk away from an A getting what they wanted, where most women do not unless they really just wanted someone to say "whatever it takes" to have sex with them, even if they were just empty words.

 

I see what you're saying.

 

I think women who feel they are starved for attention will choose to believe even fake attention because, well, it's ATTENTION. I think most women who cheat because of perceived desperation, if they hadn't let down their defenses, would see a "playa" a mile away. But in that moment of wanting what they want at any cost, they choose to believe it's real. Because they need it to be real.

 

It's not a conscious thing. And most women will deny that with their last breath. But if they REALLY look back at why they chose to be with someone who in retrospect was so obviously a cad, it makes sense.

[Overtaxed]

I see what you're saying.

 

I think women who feel they are starved for attention will choose to believe even fake attention because, well, it's ATTENTION. I think most women who cheat because of perceived desperation, if they hadn't let down their defenses, would see a "playa" a mile away. But in that moment of wanting what they want at any cost, they choose to believe it's real. Because they need it to be real.

 

It's not a conscious thing. And most women will deny that with their last breath. But if they REALLY look back at why they chose to be with someone who in retrospect was so obviously a cad, it makes sense.

 

And what better way to know a cad, to easily identify them, than a man who tells you he's married and is still trying to sleep with you? That's where it all flies off the rails for me; it's obvious that people doing this are cads, how can they show you more clearly than their actions that are right in front of you?

 

To the top part, yes, I agree, I think that's exactly what it is.

[RecentChange]

I know I tend to be an outlier.

 

I cheated mostly for the "man list" + attention. But really, when we are talking about lustful attention, men cheat for that same reason. I didn't need him to hear about my day, or talk about emotions, but I liked to know he WANTED me. That he lusted for me, that he thought about me when I was away.

 

Both men and women want to feel DESIRED. I know when rarely are the pursuer.... But tell a man he is smart, sexy and desired, they quickly find they crave that kind of attention as well.

[Southern Sun]

Women are willing to provide sex to get an emotional attachment. Men will offer an emotional attachment to get sex.

 

Men, generally, are trained from an early age how to mimic that emotional attachment in order to get laid. Some are skilled at it. I think many women involved with married men think that there must be an emotional attachment if the man is going to risk his marriage, kids, and potentially his career to be with her. Plus, this feeds the need to feel desirable; it provides a solid boost of external validation. It make her feel that she must really be something special if he's going to take all of these risks, just to be with me (sometimes just for a few fleeting moments).

 

I guess, end of the day, I just don't understand the urge for the emotional connection from someone who's actions are entirely counter to the connection they are offering. "I love you", but I'm trying to/helping you destroy your life. "I love my wife and kids" while I'm sleeping with someone else. "I want to run away with you" but not making a single plan to do so.

 

I just wanted to have sex with someone else, that's a reason that makes sense to me. You want something, and your actions are consistent, entering into an A, your likely going to get that. Our sex life is boring? Also makes sense. Your going to get different sex out of it, so it lines up. In some ways, these answers would be easier to hear from my WW; it would "make sense" to me.

 

Perfect storm indeed, that's certainly my situation.

 

Listen, I know my view isn't the only view, and it's not the right view either. I'm just blowing off a little steam here, not at my WW, but more at the post after post I see in the WS's forum that seem so obvious to me; he's doing this to you/with you because he doesn't freaking care! How is that so hard to understand??

 

Sometimes, I just think this is far too generalized on this board!!

 

Based on what you are saying, men are willing to risk careers and family and reputation and finances for "just sex". They cheat with employees and family friends and sometimes girlfriends of their sons. If that is true, why the heck don't they just pay for it? Why have an affair? There is something more to the story.

 

Maybe you'll say that's where "excitement" comes in. A prostitute might not deliver the same excitement. Okay, true. Nobody ever wants to have to pay someone to be their boyfriend or girlfriend.

 

Remove "affairs" from the picture. What exactly do men feel when they are excited by the prospect of a new girlfriend? Overtaxed, you say that men pretty much interact with women solely because they want to have sex with them. I guess a marriage relationship becomes different over time, but an initial romantic relationship is different, right? There is lust and hormones and excitement and sex. How do men feel then? Are you saying there are no emotions? You just want SEX?

 

Men and women interact in their specific ways, regardless of whether the relationship is "legit" or an affair. I understand an affair might make the dynamic different. It might cause a presumption of "no-strings." But we have plenty of no-strings relationships outside of affairs too.

 

This article skews towards VERY short-term relationships. How do you explain long-term affairs? Are you saying these men are robotic, emotionless, sex-crazed creatures? I do know it's possible. If a woman will give it up long-term, a man might tap her once a month, knowing it's available. But there also can be an emotional attachment. I've read stories on this board where the man says, it started off as sex and over time, I got attached.

 

If the nature of ALL human relationships is for men to give emotional attention for sex, and women to give sex for emotional attention, why should it be any different for affairs? And why would that stop the development of emotions/sex going both ways? It might get stopped, because the affair itself is a limbo relationship, but it might not.

 

And why you assume the woman is faking it inside the sexual relationship, I don't know. She is not necessarily doing so.

 

I'm not saying any of this is RIGHT. And it's likely all temporary. But aren't most relationships?? That doesn't mean that the man didn't give the emotions at all, ever. Just because you can't touch them, doesn't mean they didn't exist.