Why we cheat.

[DKT3]

This is an interesting question, and I don't think it is off-topic because it highlights one of the ways many women tend to differ from many men. Many of the men I know do not subscribe to the "there's only one" theory - the idea that in all the world there is this mysterious "one" who is perfect for you. Yet most of the women I know (at least when they were young) believe that there is a "one."

 

I don't. I believe that we may encounter several (or even many) people with whom we could mesh very well and have a love relationship. But timing, circumstances, being ready, etc. tend to dictate which of those actually becomes "the one." My fiance is amazing, and I think the best thing that has ever happened to me. But ten years ago? Five years ago? I probably wouldn't have thought of him that way. Because tne years ago my life was in some turmoil, and five years ago...well five years ago let's just say I was going through an idiot phase lol

 

To take it a step further, I believe women tend to marry for reasons other than looking for a life partner. They marry to escape situations, because it's social norms, because they want kids now, because Thier friends are all married, because they are unhappy and believe it's the answer. Men marry for far fewer reasons, scared to lose her or she is pregnant. We don't have those other pressures. So more often it's because she is the right one at the right time. Even when it's badly miscalculated

[DKT3]

LOL, funny, but I think it's a bridge too far. I've had plenty of opportunity to cheat. Actually, right after my W's A was discovered, an attractive female colleague of mine (who happens to have the same first name as my W, talk about a gut punch) was at a work event with me, in a hotel, and "reached out" in a way that was obviously a "door opener" for sex later that evening. Didn't respond, went back to my hotel room to write more to the W about healing our relationship from her A. Not because I'm a saint, oh man, am I not a saint. Not because she didn't deserve a few pictures from that encounter, she did. Not because I was afraid to have an A because I thought I'd be discovered, I wouldn't have been; 2000 miles away, no possible communication path from the possible AP to my W. And not because I didn't find her attractive, I did (well, except for her name, that would somehow taken it from horribly wrong to 7th circle of hell wrong).

 

Nope, it was because I love my W, and I was more interested in her, and in our relationship than I was in having sex with some woman who was making it very obvious that this was a "sex only" thing and was just for fun. I had my ring on, just like my W did during her A, and it turned my stomach to think that this woman didn't care at all that I was married and what she'd do to my W. It showed me what I needed to see about her, and I walked away. People get all caught up in trying to be the "bigger person" or, as I call it, playing with fire. I just ignored her message and went to bed. The moment you engage someone who's looking is the moment you're hooked!

 

But back to the topic at hand, I travel as does my W often for work. I have plenty of opportunity to groom an AP, and I occasionally (like the story above) have women actually kind of "offer it up". It's not a lack of options, it's a lack of desire to sleep with someone other than my W that keeps me from doing it. And, the one thing I would actually say I'm good at; ROCK SOLID boundaries. I never eat dinner with/engage in small talk or give any personal information to anyone I can avoid doing that with at work. I never drink with my work associates. I even try to avoid team events because I know, "this is where it happens". I've grown to love room service in hotels!

 

As men, we know there are men who simply won't cheat no matter what. What I'm saying is for those that will, they don't need anything more then opportunity, or have you he option too.

[OneLov]

I agree there is no "one" person. And practical matters such as timing, maturity, location, etc. cannot be ignored.

 

Your desire and passion for her are clearly there. I hope she can feel how much you really love her.

[Overtaxed]

As men, we know there are men who simply won't cheat no matter what. What I'm saying is for those that will, they don't need anything more then opportunity, or have you he option too.

 

Yup, sorry, I misread that; totally agree. And yes, I'd say that most men who are looking for A's are what my friends from home would call "dinner fishing". They don't care if it's a 10lb bass or a 7" perch, they're gonna keep it. This is one of the things that kills me about my W's A, how the h*ll could you let yourself be his perch? (sorry, need some humor here). He didn't deserve you on his best day before he was married. He didn't deserve you ever, at all, even with me not in the picture. It's a horrible thought to consider that about your spouse, what I consider my "trophy" was his bait.

 

But yes, you're right, most of the time cheating for men who want to do it comes down to "who's going to say yes" more than anything else.

[Overtaxed]

Part of the problem is that we ladies don't seem to read these forums obsessively until AFTER we've had the dumb affair

 

BUT...here is where you cannot paint every affair with the same broad brush.

 

I am 99.9% certain that my MM did NOT have sex with his wife. I know, I know, oldest line in the book. I have STRONG reasons to believe it was the truth. And he didn't have to tell me that. I had to maintain a sexual relationship with my H and he knew that. We would have been on even playing ground. The only reason I do not say I am 100% certain is that it is simply impossible for me to be, as I am not him nor his wife.

 

In the midst of high emotions in the early stages of an affair, the whole "we want each other but can't totally have each other" or "I want you to be mine but I can't have you completely" adds to the obstacle-laden nature of the whole mess. It amps up the yearning and tweaks the pain which makes it feel more...romantic. I'm telling you, you begin to link love with pain pretty quickly. You don't desire what you HAVE.

 

I don't know how men feel but do think women can feel this way. So even if we know the MMs are having sex with their wives, it just creates more yearning. And then jealousy. And then competition, even if just inside our own minds.

 

I personally never felt this way about MM's wife. I knew their relationship was pretty dead. I felt sad for her and them but I didn't think about them in that way.

 

Even in my situation though, I struggled with cognitive dissonance. Though I believed he was telling me the truth about no sex with his wife, I knew he was lying in general. He was lying to his wife about me. He could have been lying to me about other things. Yet supposedly it was because we were SPECIAL.

 

That is the kicker I think, right there. We buy into the lie that we are special. There is something different about us...about me...about him...about the two of us together. That he would never do any of this if it weren't for me. And I would never do any of this if it weren't for him. We certainly don't see any of it as an 'arrangement.'

 

It's only later when reality starts punching us in the face that we begin to see the dirtiness of it all.

 

SS, your posts are great! Really enjoying seeing your perspective on this.

 

Anyway, sure, it's possible. Kind of joke, but, sometimes, people really are telling you the truth when they say "the check is in the mail". It actually IS in the mail! But, and I suppose the important thing for the WS's to know, most of the time it's not true. Especially male APs, they almost have to lie about the sex (assuming it's not a dead bedroom), because, come on, most women aren't going to take what sometimes is the real answer (I had sex with her before I got in the car to come over here) very well at all. So, kind of like the posts I made before about men lying about their feelings for sex, this is kind of an impossible situation, as the male AP, you HAVE TO lie about this aspect in many situations, so.. It's hard to accept any "nope, we never have sex" as the truth because it's simply such a uniform lie. Doesn't mean it's not actually true though sometimes, especially given, as you point out from my earlier post, the prevalence of dead bedrooms out there (which is why my guy talk often revolves around just that!).

 

Part of my hope, part of my healing from my W's A, is posting here in the hopes that some woman reads this and "snaps out of it" before going down the EA or PA route. If I can stop one person from going through what my W and I have, it will have been for something (her A). No, you didn't read before you had the A, neither did my W. But maybe, just maybe, there's a woman out there reading right now that will see this thread and decide "Nope, I'm not going to do it". It's the only positive I can make out of the SS that I bit into in Jan. I kind of see it like AA, we get better by helping others learn from our mistakes or from our experience. Sorry to get philosophical, but my goal isn't to berate WW's, its to make them realize there are a lot of people like me (when I was younger/unmarried) and my wife's AP (serial cheat) out there and to be on guard for it. If you want NSA sex, then maybe an A is right for you. If you want anything else, love, truth, caring, a future with someone, a "real" emotional connection, you'll likely get much better results going down to the pet store and getting a dog/cat than entering into an A.

[RecentChange]

Boy… some interesting theories going around. And I suppose that many are in line with the tales we hear about here in LS. One thing that others have pointed out, that this “study” (to use that term lightly) pertained to very short term affairs.

 

I have talked “behind the scenes” with a number of men who cheat, and honestly their reasoning, as stomach turning as it may be for many, are totally in line with the reasons why I have cheated:

 

Chasing that “first” – there is something about a first kiss, a first time, a first experience that can never be replicated again that is intoxicating for some. Call us thrill seekers, call us conquistadors, it is a driving force for many serial cheaters.

 

Excitement – again, thrill of the chase, the risks involved, the unlikely scenarios that come into play. The lewd, the forbidden. The living out of experiences that had only existed in fantasy.

 

The “Gemini” – I call it this because it’s the living a double life. Its having the clean cut public persona, and this devilish “naughty” secret side. The secret keeping and sneaking around is a major turn on for some.

 

Ego stroking – like I mentioned earlier is feeling desired. Its not being only told you are wanted, but the physical follow through that makes it apparent. I would say how I didn’t love my affair partner, I loved the way he made me feel about myself. And the same was true for him (we had candid discussions). I never pretended that he was infatuated with me, but I know how addicting my attention was for him, I made him feel special in a way he hadn’t before. It’s the same story we hear from so many women, but based on sexual desire, not professions of love. Exploring the pull and power you each have over each other comes into play as well.

 

In the end it all comes down to selfishness. Wanting to feel excitement, wanting to feel desired, wanting to experience things that would never otherwise be experienced – and doing it despite knowing that this egotistical pursuit may come at great harm to others.

 

I guess some men have to lie about their intentions to get women to play along. Some women have the same intentions as men and participate without any con needed.

[Overtaxed]

I agree there is no "one" person. And practical matters such as timing, maturity, location, etc. cannot be ignored.

 

Your desire and passion for her are clearly there. I hope she can feel how much you really love her.

 

So do I OneLov, so do I. I'm hopeful, but also so guarded and broken inside that I sometimes wonder if I'm even capable of trusting again. We're 5 months out, so, I'm hoping that time will continue to heal this wound. She's been present now for a few months, out of the fog, and starting to come back together, but I'd do ANYTHING to go back to the end of last year and stop it; anything.. I'll never forgive myself for not "snooping" earlier, never forgive myself for not pushing harder to fix our relationship, and never forgive the AP for what he did. It's a huge burden to carry for both of us for a long time, all for some bullcrap PUA BS? Makes my heart bleed, especially when I feel like, deep down, "You deserve this a**hole" because I did exactly this to women when I was younger. Never thought I'd be on the other side.

[OneLov]

They don't care if it's a 10lb bass or a 7" perch, they're gonna keep it. This is one of the things that kills me about my W's A, how the h*ll could you let yourself be his perch?

 

But here is the irrational thinking: If he has a trophy fish at home, what the in world does he want with a 7lb perch? Oh boy, I must be a special perch!

 

Now, clearly he is a man with great appetites, but you can see how a false sense desirability can be created. This man has everything, and he is willing to forsake it all for a 7lb perch. Again, it is irrational but fuels the sense of feeling special/desirable.

[Popsicle]

I guess those are the same reasons why men marry too. For sex. You know, since that's all men care about. So the men your wives cheat with are no worse than you. (Not that I buy into any of this crap anyway)

[DKT3]

Boy… some interesting theories going around. And I suppose that many are in line with the tales we hear about here in LS. One thing that others have pointed out, that this “study” (to use that term lightly) pertained to very short term affairs.

 

I have talked “behind the scenes” with a number of men who cheat, and honestly their reasoning, as stomach turning as it may be for many, are totally in line with the reasons why I have cheated:

 

Chasing that “first” – there is something about a first kiss, a first time, a first experience that can never be replicated again that is intoxicating for some. Call us thrill seekers, call us conquistadors, it is a driving force for many serial cheaters.

 

Excitement – again, thrill of the chase, the risks involved, the unlikely scenarios that come into play. The lewd, the forbidden. The living out of experiences that had only existed in fantasy.

 

The “Gemini” – I call it this because it’s the living a double life. Its having the clean cut public persona, and this devilish “naughty” secret side. The secret keeping and sneaking around is a major turn on for some.

 

Ego stroking – like I mentioned earlier is feeling desired. Its not being only told you are wanted, but the physical follow through that makes it apparent. I would say how I didn’t love my affair partner, I loved the way he made me feel about myself. And the same was true for him (we had candid discussions). I never pretended that he was infatuated with me, but I know how addicting my attention was for him, I made him feel special in a way he hadn’t before. It’s the same story we hear from so many women, but based on sexual desire, not professions of love. Exploring the pull and power you each have over each other comes into play as well.

 

In the end it all comes down to selfishness. Wanting to feel excitement, wanting to feel desired, wanting to experience things that would never otherwise be experienced – and doing it despite knowing that this egotistical pursuit may come at great harm to others.

 

I guess some men have to lie about their intentions to get women to play along. Some women have the same intentions as men and participate without any con needed.

 

Very few, but I have come across a woman or two like this...kinda like Bigfoot, only those who have seen it believes it exists. Haha. No in seriousness, there is something inherently genuine about you and the few others like you I've met. No double talk, no connecting the dots it's all on your sleeve.

 

Which I believe is why it was easy for you to remove yourself and cut OM off. You didn't lie to yourself, no delusion. Women tend to buy BS...most of the time it's weak and totally incredulous...kinda like southern believing MM was sexually inactive in his marriage. Or believing that these men were forced to toss them under the bus.

 

Delusion, that is the biggest difference between men and women in affairs. Men start out thinking I'm getting laid, women start out thinking he really understands me, I'm speical to him. Sadly, what she is normally is a good looking lady willing to have sex with a MM. No deeper, no greater meaning.

 

The lies are because it's needed to push her over the edge and keep her there. You didn't hear that because it wasn't needed.

[DKT3]

I guess those are the same reasons why men marry too. For sex. You know, since that's all men care about. So the men your wives cheat with are no worse than you. (Not that I buy into any of this crap anyway)

 

No, it's not all we care about.

 

I think a disconnect happens because women tend to view MM as women. What I mean is men in general don't have many emotionally needy areas. We simply don't need the emotional connection on the level as women. This leaves our wives with emotional voids which OM/MM will fill, most often falsely with the trade off being sex. Men and women are simply wired different.

[somanymistakes]

Women tend to buy BS...most of the time it's weak and totally incredulous...

 

Still, if you think the main reason for men pursuing affairs is that they're not getting enough sex at home, then why would it be weird for the women involved to also believe that he's not getting much sex at home?

 

(My situation really doesn't apply here. For one thing, we're not sleeping together anyway, that IS off the table.)

[knabe]

To take it a step further, I believe women tend to marry for reasons other than looking for a life partner. They marry to escape situations, because it's social norms, because they want kids now, because Thier friends are all married, because they are unhappy and believe it's the answer. Men marry for far fewer reasons, scared to lose her or she is pregnant. We don't have those other pressures. So more often it's because she is the right one at the right time. Even when it's badly miscalculated

 

There's a lot of truth in this that I wish there wasn't. I can look back with detachment now and see that my first marriage, though I did love him, was for a lot of wrong reasons on both sides. We made great friends. We never should have married each other. He never should have married at all, at least not to a woman.

[Overtaxed]

Very few, but I have come across a woman or two like this...kinda like Bigfoot, only those who have seen it believes it exists. Haha. No in seriousness, there is something inherently genuine about you and the few others like you I've met. No double talk, no connecting the dots it's all on your sleeve.

 

Which I believe is why it was easy for you to remove yourself and cut OM off. You didn't lie to yourself, no delusion. Women tend to buy BS...most of the time it's weak and totally incredulous...kinda like southern believing MM was sexually inactive in his marriage. Or believing that these men were forced to toss them under the bus.

 

Delusion, that is the biggest difference between men and women in affairs. Men start out thinking I'm getting laid, women start out thinking he really understands me, I'm speical to him. Sadly, what she is normally is a good looking lady willing to have sex with a MM. No deeper, no greater meaning.

 

The lies are because it's needed to push her over the edge and keep her there. You didn't hear that because it wasn't needed.

 

Well, at least I'm not totally alone in my line of thinking. Men start out thinking "I'm getting laid" and they DO get laid. Women think "I'm his soulmate" or "I'm so special to him" and then, when the SHTF, they find out that there was nothing special beyond "I'm willing to sleep with him". That's exactly the "imbalance" that I'm talking about. Men actually DO get what they want, women I guess, think they do, but then most often find out that what they got was a bunch of BS with a nice bow on it. But the man really did get laid. No "BS" involved. So I guess that's really been my point all along, it seems like a terrible deal, and I really do wonder why women (who aren't the Bigfoot's of the world; that woman who's really out for NSA sex outside the marriage and it's straight up with their AP that's what they want) seem to fall into it.

 

Still, if you think the main reason for men pursuing affairs is that they're not getting enough sex at home, then why would it be weird for the women involved to also believe that he's not getting much sex at home?

 

Because "enough sex at home" is WAY more sex than most women can fathom. A guy having sex 2X per week probably wants to have sex 7 or 10X per week. In his eyes, it's no sex. In his wife's eyes, it's sex all the time. In the AP's eyes, I suspect it's not "no sex", not even close!

 

And it's not really "enough sex at home" that I think drives male APs. It's just MORE. More sex, more variety, more dangerous situations, more kinky stuff. Or just as simply as "a new person". Just because I contend it's mostly about sex doesn't mean there's "no sex elsewhere", it just means that no matter how much sex the wife has with him, no matter how many APs he has.. It's still about sex for him, because, end of the day, he's a guy.

[Southern Sun]

Very few, but I have come across a woman or two like this...kinda like Bigfoot, only those who have seen it believes it exists. Haha. No in seriousness, there is something inherently genuine about you and the few others like you I've met. No double talk, no connecting the dots it's all on your sleeve.

 

Which I believe is why it was easy for you to remove yourself and cut OM off. You didn't lie to yourself, no delusion. Women tend to buy BS...most of the time it's weak and totally incredulous...kinda like southern believing MM was sexually inactive in his marriage. Or believing that these men were forced to toss them under the bus.

 

Delusion, that is the biggest difference between men and women in affairs. Men start out thinking I'm getting laid, women start out thinking he really understands me, I'm speical to him. Sadly, what she is normally is a good looking lady willing to have sex with a MM. No deeper, no greater meaning.

 

The lies are because it's needed to push her over the edge and keep her there. You didn't hear that because it wasn't needed.

 

Hey, feel free to call me delusional about some things, but I really actually believe MM did not have sex with his wife. Like, seriously. And I did not have a personal need to believe that. He told me a whole lot of other awful, painful, yucky crap about himself...I would have much rather he just f'd his wife now and again than some of this other stuff.

 

You know, I had some hard realities eventually to face in my own affair. I believed it was love, for a long time. When it started to feel less like love, I fought back. I said I didn't want it, if it was going to be cheap. He would claim that we should have what we could, at least. It would sound like a good argument at the time, and then I would feel used again. Towards the end, I couldn't hide from it anymore. It almost felt like a business deal. He asked me if we could just see each other, when we could, but understand if we weren't able to. And if we needed to let each other go, we would understand that to. I thought, that kinda sounds like NSA. I remember telling him I needed to be loved. He told me he couldn't be in love with me if he was never going to have me. That was like a punch to the gut when he had historically been professing his love for me.

 

I wanted him to not want me at all, if he couldn't have me for real. I guess that's what told me the truth about it. That he was willing to take the pieces. That's when I knew how he really felt.

[Southern Sun]

Yup, sorry, I misread that; totally agree. And yes, I'd say that most men who are looking for A's are what my friends from home would call "dinner fishing". They don't care if it's a 10lb bass or a 7" perch, they're gonna keep it. This is one of the things that kills me about my W's A, how the h*ll could you let yourself be his perch? (sorry, need some humor here). He didn't deserve you on his best day before he was married. He didn't deserve you ever, at all, even with me not in the picture. It's a horrible thought to consider that about your spouse, what I consider my "trophy" was his bait.

 

But yes, you're right, most of the time cheating for men who want to do it comes down to "who's going to say yes" more than anything else.

 

Your perspective is helping me understand how my H must feel. Thank you for sharing yours, too.

[Chica80]

Thought this was an interesting article; especially the part quoted below:

 

Why do men cheat?

Sex: 44 percent

Variety: 40 percent

More satisfying sex: 38 percent

Excitement: 30 percent

 

Why do women cheat?

Emotional attention: 40 percent

Excitement: 30 percent

Being reassured of their desirability: 33 percent

Falling in love with someone else: 20 percent

More satisfying sex: 20 percent

 

This is the fundamental disconnect between men and women in A's, and is the reason, I think, that so many women wind up torn to shreds by an A while the man "skates off". Look at the man's list above. Every single thing on that list is basically "sex". I guess "excitement" you could possibly say is a "new romance", but, honestly, most of that 30% is probably talking about "exciting sex".

 

Then look at the woman's list. The thing I just can't seem to get through my head (and was my W's reason for cheating) is that "emotional attention" at 40%, the primary reason women cheat. But, here's the thing, that attention is very often a lie; it's a lie from the man to get the woman to provide the sex that he wants from the relationship. I look at the woman's list and think to myself, how often do they "really" get that from an A? How often are those words sincere, do they lead to a lasting bond, do they actually line up with the AP's actions. It makes me sad, it really does, my W tore us and our marriage apart for something that wasn't even real, just lies strung together to get her to have sex. The sex though, the reason her AP was there, that was real. It really happened, there's not denying the "sincerity" of that.

 

I often think to myself, "Why would a woman do this to herself" (forget about her BS for a second)? It just seems that in almost all cases, she's not going to get what she wants out of the A. Almost all A's blow up and wind up with the AP burning the other AP to the ground when the wife/husband finds out. Pulling back all those words, exposing how they were a bunch of lines or lies (or both). If you did it for the sex, at least you know that "really happened" you have that experience/orgasm/intensity to look back on. But the words, in so many cases, my W's, and those I read here, are so often just a web of lies designed to lead to sex. Because, look above, that's why men do this, it's not to get a new/closer emotional connection to someone, it's for sex.

 

While I can't stand cheating, especially now after it's hit my home, I can understand how it happens when the partners realize "this is for sex". What I can't understand is the stories where "he/she loved me" because, I think we all know, that's very unlikely given the make up/nature of an A. It makes sense to me why men seek out an AP, it doesn't make sense to me why a woman allows herself to enter into it; I suppose that's really my primary question/point. Yes, I think most women enter into it with the thought that "he loves me", and "I'm special", but that's so rarely the case, it begs the question, why did you think that; why did you let yourself believe that?

 

No. 1 Reason Men and Women Cheat - Netscape Love

 

So according to your survey 44% do it for sex, that still leaves 56% that don't so not the majority...

 

Variety: 40 percent

More satisfying sex: 38 percent 62% not more exciting

Excitement: 30 percent is not for sex.

 

 

If a woman does it for emotional attachment does it matter if it was real or not? To her it was, she was getting her needs full filled was she not? Why else would she stay. She was getting something she wanted and he is getting something he wants.

 

People wouldn't have Affairs if theY weren't getting something out if it.

So it's an exchange of needs. Maybe real maybe not but both people get something they aren't to otherwise getting.

[RecentChange]

I think my new nickname should be big foot.

 

Ya know, I have had some people tell me that I am a "bit different" I often don't believe it, but I can count on LS to set me straight.

 

I know it's not PC, and perhaps cliché, but I can still hear my mom declaring that I "think like a man" during an argument once (she isn't a big fan of men, and I always found her to be too emotional / irrational).

[DKT3]

So according to your survey 44% do it for sex, that still leaves 56% that don't so not the majority...

 

Variety: 40 percent

More satisfying sex: 38 percent 62% not more exciting

Excitement: 30 percent is not for sex.

 

 

If a woman does it for emotional attachment does it matter if it was real or not? To her it was, she was getting her needs full filled was she not? Why else would she stay. She was getting something she wanted and he is getting something he wants.

 

People wouldn't have Affairs if theY weren't getting something out if it.

So it's an exchange of needs. Maybe real maybe not but both people get something they aren't to otherwise getting.

 

Hmm...so actually getting or convincing herself she is is the same? If I convince myself I'm eating cut up T-shirt when it's really pork chops am I really getting steak?

[somanymistakes]

Hmm...so actually getting or convincing herself she is is the same? If I convince myself I'm eating cut up T-shirt when it's really pork chops am I really getting steak?

 

If you enjoyed it as much as you would have enjoyed the real thing, does it matter?

[DKT3]

If you enjoyed it as much as you would have enjoyed the real thing, does it matter?

 

Of course it does, t-bone comes at a much higher cost...I would hate to pay for it and only get pork chops

[Overtaxed]

If you enjoyed it as much as you would have enjoyed the real thing, does it matter?

 

Obviously, for a lot of people, the answer is "no", it doesn't matter. Because A's are common and the "lying about your feelings" is also nearly a defining characteristic of an A, so.. No, it doesn't matter, no matter how much I don't understand "why not" the evidence points where it points.

 

I guess, end of the day, we all have a need to hear what we want/need to hear. I just want someone to tell me they love me, how smart I am, how handsome I am, how good in bed I am... Even if they are lying, end of the day, I just want to hear those words because they make me feel good. And here's where I can draw a parallel to sex, it's a few stolen minutes, it's throwing away your marriage, in many cases, your income, and your family. And lots of guys just want it "to make themselves feel good" in an A. Doesn't matter if the girl wants it or not (as we've already discussed), doesn't matter if she's giving you the "real her" in bed. You just want a warm body there to have sex with to make yourself feel better. So, somewhat similar.

 

I guess from both perspectives, that seems kind of "empty" and hollow. But, then again, should you expect something else? Two people lying to one another, living in a fantasy land, living a "dream life" together for such short periods of time. Anything to take away from whatever bad thing it is they are trying to escape? I suppose that's it in a lot of cases.

[Unforseen]

The lies or fake attention or meaningless sex are not lies or fake or meaningless until one becomes convinced that they are. Some of the best lies are the ones we tell ourselves to get through the day.

[Overtaxed]

The lies or fake attention or meaningless sex are not lies or fake or meaningless until one becomes convinced that they are. Some of the best lies are the ones we tell ourselves to get through the day.

 

I suspect that's exactly the crux of it. Not wanting to believe they are lies until it's over. I'm pretty sure the meaningless sex part doesn't bother most male APs though; I doubt they ruminate about the sex not having feeling. Could just be me though, I've never really thought back and wished sex had more "feeling" in it except for with my W.

[RecentChange]

I know it's counter intitive for some.

 

But there is something desirable, something animalistic, something very "naughty" about that "empty" sex.

 

For me it was part of the appeal. I can make love to my husband, heck I can have raunchy sex with him too.

 

But it will never be some NSA, purely lust driven thing.

 

I understand this is by and large a "guy thing" - but it is a contributor as well.