How to move forward...

[Birdies]

I'm not sure if you've posted your story, but how did your husband find out? I think that I haven't said anything up till now because like you, I don't want to hurt him... I know I already have but he just doesn't know it yet. I was hoping I could handle it myself, that I could cut off contact and pretend it never happened, but I'm not proving to be successful at that.

 

My AP was also married but separated, and she had been living in a different state for several months at the time. She came "home" in the middle of the night and found us. You couldn't imagine a more Jerry Springer situation. After beating the sh;t out of him, trying to attack me, calling the cops, threatening us with weapons, she managed to find my husband's phone number and leave him a voicemail before I could talk to him. It was ugly. It would have been bad regardless, but I wish I could have told him with compassion and remorse, rather than this lady bent on scorched earth vengeance doing it. Not that I blame her at all. That is all on me. But I'm just saying, it was worse for him than if I had been the one to do it.

 

Sidenote, is your AP's wife an emotionally unstable drama queen? You should redouble your efforts to end things, if so. It is double trouble to get involved with someone married to that kind of person!!!! :0 (Note: I completely understand her freaking out that night - not saying that in particular makes her a drama queen. Bigger picture.)

[ztmymmy]

It's an EA and PA without sex. Part of the difficulty in trying to figure out how to explain to my husband is what it was/is exactly. If I were to write a timeline, I don't know how much I could fill in. It wasn't a "typical" affair. We have gone weeks without talking to each other. When we tried to break it off it could have been a few months in between. We didn't often sneak away to spend time together. Our lives are just so busy to spend a good amount with one another. We both spend a lot of time with our families. And we tried to limit our time together because we knew it was wrong. I even took on more hours at work to make sure that my idle time alone was kept to a minimum so we would have less opportunity to see each other.

 

I haven't really shared too much of the nature of our relationship up until now. I didn't know if there was a point to it since it's wrong regardless. We've both tried to be controlled about it and our consciousness tells us it's wrong. Anyway, maybe now that I've shared this others can give me some insight and perspective....

 

Well, your story is not the worst affair i've ever read. At least you managed to keep a few boundaries that many men will consider the most important.I'm not trying to minimize what happened between you and the AP, but it could've been a lot worse.

 

I said this already but, nobody knows better than you how your H would react.Is an EA that slightly steps over the line gonna be the deal break or the fact that it wasn't a full PA a sign of relief?

[BigBlueSky]

I remember so well being in your position and I never want to be there again. I consider myself lucky that my AP ghosted me because I probably would still be in your shoes. And if I hadn't confessed, I'd still be in your shoes.

 

I've hurt a lot of people with my actions. My kids know. Family members know. Some friends know. You find out who your true friends are, that's for sure. I've found out I have some true friends and some not.

 

Despite all that, I feel free of it because I'm living authentically without lies anymore. It's a hard step to take...

 

If you and MM are meant to be together, it's time to come clean and see if what you have will work out. But you've read a majority of threads here, I'm sure, and you know now what happens when the fog clears. But you obviously can't keep living the way you are.

 

Make a choice and follow through. Your previous choices are not working. I'm not going to lie, at the end of the day, I may end up divorced. I will hate that if I do, but I know that's one of the many consequences for my actions.

 

We teach our children that if they make mistakes (well, mine was not a mistake, more of a series of extremely bad choices), to own them and take responsibility for them. I did not want to be a hypocrite anymore and owning what I did was the hardest thing I've ever done. But I'm free now. And I'm working on all the things I should've done before I started the A.

 

Would you feel comfortable sharing how things are going in your marriage these days?

 

I'm always thankful for your posts. You've been an example for me. I've started reading through your thread again. The first time I did it scared me. This time I'm going through it with the more thought.

 

I don't want to be with my AP ultimately. I would find it difficult to establish a real relationship with him given how it started and the guilt that comes along with it. I do need to figure myself out though.

[BigBlueSky]

My AP was also married but separated, and she had been living in a different state for several months at the time. She came "home" in the middle of the night and found us. You couldn't imagine a more Jerry Springer situation. After beating the sh;t out of him, trying to attack me, calling the cops, threatening us with weapons, she managed to find my husband's phone number and leave him a voicemail before I could talk to him. It was ugly. It would have been bad regardless, but I wish I could have told him with compassion and remorse, rather than this lady bent on scorched earth vengeance doing it. Not that I blame her at all. That is all on me. But I'm just saying, it was worse for him than if I had been the one to do it.

 

Sidenote, is your AP's wife an emotionally unstable drama queen? You should redouble your efforts to end things, if so. It is double trouble to get involved with someone married to that kind of person!!!! :0 (Note: I completely understand her freaking out that night - not saying that in particular makes her a drama queen. Bigger picture.)

 

No she isn't an unstable drama queen. I think she is quite a reasonable person who would be completely devastated if she were to find out. The fact that it is me, someone she knows, would make it even harder.

[BigBlueSky]

Well, your story is not the worst affair i've ever read. At least you managed to keep a few boundaries that many men will consider the most important.I'm not trying to minimize what happened between you and the AP, but it could've been a lot worse.

 

I said this already but, nobody knows better than you how your H would react.Is an EA that slightly steps over the line gonna be the deal break or the fact that it wasn't a full PA a sign of relief?

 

I understand that as affairs go, mine is on the tamer side but I try not to minimize what we've done. I'm thinking it will be easier for my H in that we didn't have sex but he would be so hurt by all the other things that we have done.

[doble]

After reading this thread, it seems BBS has the Clinton view of what a PA is. She's invested three years in an emotional relationship with her MM. She admits to the EA, but not to a full fledged PA.

I find that ridiculous. Jus because you didn't have intercourse doesn't mean you didn't have sex with your MM. If your husband found out you made out, was fondled, gave a hand job, oral, and received same from your MM don't you think he would be hurt even though there was no penile penetration? I mean come on.

For some oral is worse than "actual sex".

A 3 year affair without any form of physical sex?

Only you and your MM know the truth.

You need honesty with your BH, and yourself. When he finds out you'll realize the devastation. But please give him that honesty he deserves.

[Hbroken]

Thanks for the support, BW. I do agree that there is something about living honestly and authentically. I do have guesses as to how my husband would react, but who really knows until it's done. I know that he deserves to know what's been going on and who he is married to. I tried to tell him very early on before anything really started but I chickened out. But it would have been a much easier conversation years ago than it would be today given what it's grown into.

 

My AP has considered telling his wife for his own reasons. He hasn't done it for similar reasons why I haven't yet, mainly that it would blow up his family and he knows it would blow mine up too. When it comes to light, what we've done will hurt so many people. And obviously that scares us. Selfish I know.

 

where are you now with your situation BBS?

[BigBlueSky]

where are you now with your situation BBS?

 

Hi Hbroken, things have been quiet. Summer is usually busy for the both of us and we are gone a lot on holidays with our families. I haven't seen MM in a month although we are still in contact periodically. It's been good to have some distance. I find that my thoughts and focus have been shifting. Though there are times where I find myself wanting to see him and be with him, there are more times that I'm not. I'm still working through things but for now, it's been good to step back and have some space.

[BigBlueSky]

It's been awhile since I've updated my thread. I wanted to do it because I feel like I'm in a different place now. And I wanted to do it to say thank you to everyone who has helped me along the way these past few months (especially one poster... You know who you are!)

 

These past couple months have been good for me. There has been some distance between MM and I during the summer due to schedules and that was a good thing. We have decided recently to end it, and although it is hard it is good. We had talked about it at various points throughout the past few months and our conclusion is always the same. And I am at peace with that now. I'm sad but I am also happy that I know without a doubt what I want and what is best for my family and I.

 

Now that I've come to this place, I know I need to move forward and deal with the things within me I've been avoiding. The things that I haven't wanted to face. I need to consider who I have been, my failures and who I want to be. I am starting to realize the damage I have done.

 

Since I first posted and that wasn't too long ago, there have been so many new stories. So much heartache. And that is so sad to me. This hole we dig ourselves into is so unnecessary but here we all are.

 

Anyhow, I just want to say to all who have contributed to my thread, thank you. All the encouragement, all of the harsh words, I've read them all and taken lessons from them.

[Hbroken]

It's been awhile since I've updated my thread. I wanted to do it because I feel like I'm in a different place now. And I wanted to do it to say thank you to everyone who has helped me along the way these past few months (especially one poster... You know who you are!)

 

These past couple months have been good for me. There has been some distance between MM and I during the summer due to schedules and that was a good thing. We have decided recently to end it, and although it is hard it is good. We had talked about it at various points throughout the past few months and our conclusion is always the same. And I am at peace with that now. I'm sad but I am also happy that I know without a doubt what I want and what is best for my family and I.

 

Now that I've come to this place, I know I need to move forward and deal with the things within me I've been avoiding. The things that I haven't wanted to face. I need to consider who I have been, my failures and who I want to be. I am starting to realize the damage I have done.

 

Since I first posted and that wasn't too long ago, there have been so many new stories. So much heartache. And that is so sad to me. This hole we dig ourselves into is so unnecessary but here we all are.

 

Anyhow, I just want to say to all who have contributed to my thread, thank you. All the encouragement, all of the harsh words, I've read them all and taken lessons from them.

 

hi BBS

First of all thank you for all the advice you have given me .. It has always felt compassionate and non judgemental.

Secondly, it takes a lot of courage to do what you did and at a time when your self esteem may feel at an all time low, the fact that you had so much courage will make everything more bearable

I, in my own situation, have found counselling really really helpful and I would urge you to try it

I, also went into the affair and came out of the affair truly believing that I could never ever leave my marriage however through counselling and reading and healing and reflecting I am slowly beginning to build up the courage to even contemplate having a discussion with my wife about the fact that I am unhappy... No longer do I feel that I can continue to live a discontented life... And no longer do I want to live a life which fulfills other people's expectations and not my own... Somewhere there is an innate need to feel free and often we are chained down without realising it... Chained down by the expectations that people have of us and whilst there is love, sometimes love is not enough.. Sometimes you just need to feel free:-(

[jenkins95]

It's been awhile since I've updated my thread. I wanted to do it because I feel like I'm in a different place now. And I wanted to do it to say thank you to everyone who has helped me along the way these past few months (especially one poster... You know who you are!)

 

These past couple months have been good for me. There has been some distance between MM and I during the summer due to schedules and that was a good thing. We have decided recently to end it, and although it is hard it is good. We had talked about it at various points throughout the past few months and our conclusion is always the same. And I am at peace with that now. I'm sad but I am also happy that I know without a doubt what I want and what is best for my family and I.

 

Now that I've come to this place, I know I need to move forward and deal with the things within me I've been avoiding. The things that I haven't wanted to face. I need to consider who I have been, my failures and who I want to be. I am starting to realize the damage I have done.

 

Since I first posted and that wasn't too long ago, there have been so many new stories. So much heartache. And that is so sad to me. This hole we dig ourselves into is so unnecessary but here we all are.

 

Anyhow, I just want to say to all who have contributed to my thread, thank you. All the encouragement, all of the harsh words, I've read them all and taken lessons from them.

 

(((BBS))) Really happy to read this update! Well done. I've been very impressed at how you have handled yourself on LS and the accountability and honesty that you've shown. You will be Ok, I feel it!

 

As you work to do the best for your family, don't be discouraged if you continue to have thoughts for MM. He is likely to be in your head a lot for several months (if only we had an "Off" switch!), but these thoughts will lessen over time if you deal with them in a healthy way. This is completely normal and it does not mean that you are failing or are not authentic. It simply shows that breaking away from an addiction is very tough (deadsoul and I have posted about this in SunshineChica's recent thread.)

 

I wish you nothing but the best. Please continue to post! J

[freengreen]

It's been awhile since I've updated my thread. I wanted to do it because I feel like I'm in a different place now. And I wanted to do it to say thank you to everyone who has helped me along the way these past few months (especially one poster... You know who you are!)

 

These past couple months have been good for me. There has been some distance between MM and I during the summer due to schedules and that was a good thing. We have decided recently to end it, and although it is hard it is good. We had talked about it at various points throughout the past few months and our conclusion is always the same. And I am at peace with that now. I'm sad but I am also happy that I know without a doubt what I want and what is best for my family and I.

 

Now that I've come to this place, I know I need to move forward and deal with the things within me I've been avoiding. The things that I haven't wanted to face. I need to consider who I have been, my failures and who I want to be. I am starting to realize the damage I have done.

 

Since I first posted and that wasn't too long ago, there have been so many new stories. So much heartache. And that is so sad to me. This hole we dig ourselves into is so unnecessary but here we all are.

 

Anyhow, I just want to say to all who have contributed to my thread, thank you. All the encouragement, all of the harsh words, I've read them all and taken lessons from them.

 

Nicely written .

 

I have also been finding myself again since last year and Loveshack has been a great place. However, like you I see so many of us taking this path of heartache and I feel for every one of them because I know what it takes to come out of it.

 

Like you, I am in a better place too... I have learnt a big lesson that I had to at some point that when you lose a thing, you should search it where you lost it because there is no point searching it anywhere else. I am thankful that although this lesson costed me a lot of pain, it did not cause destruction to my loved ones.

 

OP.. thankyou for this post and Loveshackers thank you all .

[jenkins95]

Nicely written .

 

I have also been finding myself again since last year and Loveshack has been a great place. However, like you I see so many of us taking this path of heartache and I feel for every one of them because I know what it takes to come out of it.

 

Like you, I am in a better place too... I have learnt a big lesson that I had to at some point that when you lose a thing, you should search it where you lost it because there is no point searching it anywhere else. I am thankful that although this lesson costed me a lot of pain, it did not cause destruction to my loved ones.

 

OP.. thankyou for this post and Loveshackers thank you all .

 

I'm so happy that you too are moving to a better place, freengreen! Thanks for all the insightful posts that you have contributed and please keep them coming.

 

You are on the right track now! Just keep going where you are! x

[BigBlueSky]

hi BBS

First of all thank you for all the advice you have given me .. It has always felt compassionate and non judgemental.

Secondly, it takes a lot of courage to do what you did and at a time when your self esteem may feel at an all time low, the fact that you had so much courage will make everything more bearable

I, in my own situation, have found counselling really really helpful and I would urge you to try it

I, also went into the affair and came out of the affair truly believing that I could never ever leave my marriage however through counselling and reading and healing and reflecting I am slowly beginning to build up the courage to even contemplate having a discussion with my wife about the fact that I am unhappy... No longer do I feel that I can continue to live a discontented life... And no longer do I want to live a life which fulfills other people's expectations and not my own... Somewhere there is an innate need to feel free and often we are chained down without realising it... Chained down by the expectations that people have of us and whilst there is love, sometimes love is not enough.. Sometimes you just need to feel free:-(

 

Hi Hbroken, I appreciate your posts because I understand a lot of all the different emotions and struggles you're going through. A lot of it is similar to the things I struggle with. Thanks for the suggestion to go to counselling. It's something I know would benefit me a lot as I start to struggle with wading through the aftermath... I don't like what I did and who I became. I'm starting to feel thoughts of "what the f have I done to my H?" and who am I, that could cause so much pain to another and make such poor decisions when I knew what was clearly right. It is hard to face myself now, but I'm starting to.

 

Look forward to seeing your posts and progress, Hbroken. Glad to have you here.

[BigBlueSky]

(((BBS))) Really happy to read this update! Well done. I've been very impressed at how you have handled yourself on LS and the accountability and honesty that you've shown. You will be Ok, I feel it!

 

As you work to do the best for your family, don't be discouraged if you continue to have thoughts for MM. He is likely to be in your head a lot for several months (if only we had an "Off" switch!), but these thoughts will lessen over time if you deal with them in a healthy way. This is completely normal and it does not mean that you are failing or are not authentic. It simply shows that breaking away from an addiction is very tough (deadsoul and I have posted about this in SunshineChica's recent thread.)

 

I wish you nothing but the best. Please continue to post! J

 

Thanks for everything, (((Jenkins))). Your words gave me strength and direction. Still do. I'm amazed at you and other posters that take so much time and care for others.

 

Thanks for your encouragement and for keeping it real. I did read the posts from Sunshine's thread. I know it will continue to be hard for a long long time and that thoughts won't switch overnight. It's good to know that is normal and I just need to keep on moving forward past it.

[BigBlueSky]

Nicely written .

 

I have also been finding myself again since last year and Loveshack has been a great place. However, like you I see so many of us taking this path of heartache and I feel for every one of them because I know what it takes to come out of it.

 

Like you, I am in a better place too... I have learnt a big lesson that I had to at some point that when you lose a thing, you should search it where you lost it because there is no point searching it anywhere else. I am thankful that although this lesson costed me a lot of pain, it did not cause destruction to my loved ones.

 

OP.. thankyou for this post and Loveshackers thank you all .

 

I'm so glad you are in a better place, fg. You helped me when I first joined ls and I am so thankful for your words when I needed to hear them.

 

I know what you mean, I feel for people posting on this forum. A lot of people are in pain and hurting through poor decisions. Before all of this happened, I never thought I would have an A and wondered why anyone on earth would do something so horrible. But now I realize I am f-ed up, and I need a lot of work. And I will do my best not to judge because of that. All I can do now is start to face myself and work through the destruction of the choices I've made. It's hard.

[deadsoul]

I'm so glad you are in a better place, fg. You helped me when I first joined ls and I am so thankful for your words when I needed to hear them.

 

I know what you mean, I feel for people posting on this forum. A lot of people are in pain and hurting through poor decisions. Before all of this happened, I never thought I would have an A and wondered why anyone on earth would do something so horrible. But now I realize I am f-ed up, and I need a lot of work. And I will do my best not to judge because of that. All I can do now is start to face myself and work through the destruction of the choices I've made. It's hard.

 

And someday you might get to a place where you may want to pay it forward. You will show understanding and compassion to someone experiencing what you've experienced. And you will learn it helps YOU yourself heal as well. (At least that's how it's been in my case ;-)

[BigBlueSky]

And someday you might get to a place where you may want to pay it forward. You will show understanding and compassion to someone experiencing what you've experienced. And you will learn it helps YOU yourself heal as well. (At least that's how it's been in my case ;-)

 

Yes, definitely! When I feel a little less like a yo-yo I would definitely love to pay it forward. You're an amazing woman. Thank you for your patience with me and for your kindness these past few months. I am SO incredibly thankful for you!!