How to move forward...

[jenkins95]

Yes. Very normal. It was very hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I had/have these feelings. But they can't be flipped off like a switch. They can, however, be looked at in a more logical manner.

 

Google Noah Elkrief. He has some great videos about how your thinking causes your emotions and how to deal with those thoughts. I've watched them a number of times and it's helping me a ton. I'm reading his book right now and so far it's about living in the now and finding happiness in the moment. I spend a lot of time feeling so depressed about the past and anxious about the future that I forget the peace of living right now, in this moment.

 

Anyway, it's something that has helped a lot. It is really hard for BS's to understand that we still harbor feelings for our AP. I truly get that. But it's not wrong to have those feelings. It is wrong to act on them. I've learned the hard way that telling myself to "get over it" and "stop thinking about it" doesn't work. Now I look at why I'm feeling these emotions and go figure, they come from faulty thoughts and assumptions. When I can logically look at those thoughts, it makes the emotions easier to handle.

 

Great post deadsoul. And thanks so much for those tips - I know what I will be googling and researching on my daily commute for the rest of this week. It's so great that we can support each other like this and exchange articles, blogs, sites, etc that have helped us.

 

I recently also discovered a post of yours that said that my posts had helped you. I am so thrilled about this. Again, if anything good can come out of the horrors that we have put ourselves through, then great! And knowledge that my posts have helped you really puts a smile on my face.

 

For my part, you make me glow with pride deadsoul and I find your posts inspirational and liberating. I remember what you were like a few months ago - weak, fragile, vulnerable and full of doubts. Now I'm not for one minute saying that you are completely recovered now - we all know that that is going to take years, and I'm sure you still have very bad days sometimes - but the difference in your posts is wonderful! I now see a strong, confident, fully accountable woman, dedicated and determined to get through this and put things right. Your level of understanding, both about what you have done and about affairs in general is also very impressive. I see that you are really doing your research....... And you want to use your wisdom to help others. And know that you truly are helping many here ds.

 

As I said, I'm proud of you!

Edited June 26, 2017 by jenkins95

[deadsoul]

Really? Boundaries would have kept it to a passing crush, that is normal...having or expecting your betrayed spouse to accept you "getting over" a relationship you should have never been In isn't something you should expect them to understand.

 

Oddly it's the WS who expects the BS to get over it, to not act out In anger.

 

I rest my case.

 

It's hard for BS's to understand we have feelings... I guess I should've added, NOR SHOULD THEY. It is not the BS's job to "accept us getting over a relationship we should've never been in" It is our job. Ours alone. This is why message boards are such a great place to come and talk about these feelings that would be very hurtful to the recovering person.

 

Oddly, I don't expect my BS to get over it or to not act out in anger.

 

It seems to be hard for you to read what WS's go through. We don't want sympathy. But you seem to still have a lot of anger towards WS in general.

 

Sorry for the thread jack, OP.

[deadsoul]

Great post deadsoul. And thanks so much for those tips - I know what I will be googling and researching on my daily commute for the rest of this week. It's so great that we can support each other like this and exchange articles, blogs, sites, etc that have helped us.

 

I recently also discovered a post of yours that said that my posts had helped you. I am so thrilled about this. Again, if anything good can come out of the horrors that we have put ourselves through, then great! And knowledge that my posts have helped you really puts a smile on my face.

 

Yes. You've helped me more than you'll ever know... and your posts inspired me to help others because it helps me to reach out to others and tell them I understand.

 

For my part, you make me glow with pride deadsoul and I find your posts inspirational and liberating. I remember what you were like a few months ago - weak, fragile, vulnerable and full of doubts. Now I'm not for one minute saying that you are completely recovered now - we all know that that is going to take years, and I'm sure you still have very bad days sometimes - but the difference in your posts is wonderful! I now see a strong, confident, fully accountable woman, dedicated and determined to get through this and put things right. Your level of understanding, both about what you have done and about affairs in general is also very impressive. I see that you are really doing your research....... And you want to use your wisdom to help others. And know that you truly are helping many here ds.

 

As I said, I'm proud of you!

 

Thank you for this. I needed it. I have many down days still. Things are not easy at home and they won't be for a long time. But when I'm having a down moment, I'm going to come back and read this post again because you really made me smile. Thank you.

 

I went to IC today. She said even though things are still in turmoil, I have a certain peace about me that I did not have last year. I'm learning how much my thoughts cause my emotions and when I look hard at my thoughts, I realize how distorted they often are. Yet I believe them. She says I have a self-awareness that I didn't have before. I have to. I'm now aware how easy it is to fall down a rabbit hole and make really bad choices. I'm now aware I have to spend the rest of my life on guard so I don't do these things again.

[jenkins95]

I'm learning how much my thoughts cause my emotions and when I look hard at my thoughts, I realize how distorted they often are. Yet I believe them.

 

Hello again deadsoul!

 

Thank you for your update and I'm really encouraged by everything you write. One thing we are all learning, proper recovery takes time. I'm nearly two years out and I still have bad days and PTSD etc. But things are so much better and I am often happy now (I'd forgotten what happiness felt like for a while!). I still have bad days too, as does my W, but they are much fewer.

 

I picked out the sentence above because it really resonated with me and highlights what a mess you can get your head in when in an affair - your thoughts, and by extension, your emotions do indeed often become very distorted.

 

The human brain.... At once the most marvellous feat of nature and also the most baffling and frustrating. If only it came with an instruction manual and a "control panel" and some of those often posted about switches that we could flick when we need to!!

 

Just keep going deadsoul. You are on the right track and we're with you every step of the way!

 

Sorry for the tj BBS. I actually see much of deadsoul in you, so it's great that she's here on your thread!

 

Have a good day guys.

[wmacbride]

I rest my case.

 

It's hard for BS's to understand we have feelings... I guess I should've added, NOR SHOULD THEY. It is not the BS's job to "accept us getting over a relationship we should've never been in" It is our job. Ours alone. This is why message boards are such a great place to come and talk about these feelings that would be very hurtful to the recovering person.

 

Oddly, I don't expect my BS to get over it or to not act out in anger.

 

It seems to be hard for you to read what WS's go through. We don't want sympathy. But you seem to still have a lot of anger towards WS in general.

 

Sorry for the thread jack, OP.

 

Sorry to keep the thread jack going, but in my opinion, as a bs, this may not always be the case.

 

One thing that upsets a lot of bs is the feeling of total disconnection from your spouse. I know it makes no sense at all,but it's almost as if the person who, up until just a few minutes ago, you trusted and loved more than anyone else is gone, and this stranger is left in his or her place.

 

The person who you thought you knew is gone, and you end up having to build up who they are all over again. I know that doesn't make any sense, as to the ws really isn't any different, but if you look at it from the perspective of the bs, they are.

 

A bs is often left in a world that feels as if it's been razed, and all that you thought you knew is gone. You don't have any "guideposts" ( for lack of a better word) to help guide you through how your ws is doing. A bs can need help.

 

This is why I would suggest a ws talking to his or her bs if they are feeling down or struggling. A bs can see this, and interpret it wrongly. Our minds can go to some very dark and sad places. We don't necessarily need all the details of the feelings, and sometimes just a heads up that it's a bad day can make a big difference.

 

This next part may sound snarky, so please take it in the spirit it's intended.

 

From a bs's point of view, it can seem like the ws has been making decisions for them throughout the affair. Please don't keep doing it after the A too. It's maddening. A bs needs to know where they stand and also if there are lingering feelings about the ow/om. Some may feel okay about sticking around while the ws works through them, others won't, and as adults, they have every right to make that decision. Telling them doesn't need t be complicated, just something as simple as " I'm sorry I might seem distant today. I'm just working through some thing in my mind. It's nothing bad, but I jut need a bit of time today". That can make a big difference, and it also helps the bs gauge what's going on.

[Overtaxed]

I know it makes no sense at all,but it's almost as if the person who, up until just a few minutes ago, you trusted and loved more than anyone else is gone, and this stranger is left in his or her place.

 

Snip. I actually had this conversation with the W last night. The thing that's so strange about all this; what makes no sense to me at all, is that I didn't actually lose anything. Nothing actually happened to me. It's not like I walked in and saw them in the throes of sex. It's not like we'd never been with other people (before marriage). It's not like I was actually attacked or hurt by either my W or the OM. I'm fine, I'm totally healthy, I've got no visible injuries, and, nothing actually happened to me. My W, yes, something really did happen to her, but, in some ways, it seems her path to healing is easier, even though she's the one who was actually "there".

 

It's so strange, I see "PTSD" thrown around a lot, and this is like "PTSD by proxy". You hear about a horrible experience your good friend had in a war and you're suddenly racked with a fear of gunshots. It's very weird because this is simply an emotional injury, perhaps the worst one most of us will ever suffer, but, externally, there's nothing wrong with you. Or you WS. It's an internal injury that nobody can see and even fewer can understand.

[DKT3]

I rest my case.

 

It's hard for BS's to understand we have feelings... I guess I should've added, NOR SHOULD THEY. It is not the BS's job to "accept us getting over a relationship we should've never been in" It is our job. Ours alone. This is why message boards are such a great place to come and talk about these feelings that would be very hurtful to the recovering person.

 

Oddly, I don't expect my BS to get over it or to not act out in anger.

 

It seems to be hard for you to read what WS's go through. We don't want sympathy. But you seem to still have a lot of anger towards WS in general.

 

Sorry for the thread jack, OP.

 

Actually it's not hard to read, it's expected. However, sometimes it's best to go through it alone, it's best to be totally honest about your feelings and allow the BS to make the best, informed decision for themselves.

 

BBS spoke about questioning if she should continue in the marriage because she has feelings for the MM. This is simply an extension of wayward behavior, making unilateral decision about the marriage without allowing him a say in the matter.

 

What a WS goes through, in all honesty is irrelevant as it's concerns the marriage and the spouse. A WS should not want or expect the BS to sympathies or have empathy for that journey. It's akin to shooting someone in the face than asking them to feel sorry for you because you're in prison. Does that make sense?

 

In my personal life, I had no empathy for my wife, she made her bed and she deserved everything that came her way. Then I began to feel bad for the way I did things, I started to emphasize with her journey. I started to understand how she must be feeling. Such harsh punishment for one short period of time. So, yeah I get it. But I got it once I removed myself from the marriage. Once I could see her as just a hurt woman and not the woman that hurt me.

 

So yeah I know that WS goes through it, no it doesn't anger me nor is it hard to read....what I see hard to read is failure to truly accept responsibility for both your actions and the pain you've created. Not accepting that you had a choice, that the affair didn't just happen, but you created the environment. That is what I get upset about.

[jenkins95]

Excellent posts by wmac, overtaxed and DKT3. This really helps a former WS such as me understand things from a BS viewpoint. It also makes it very clear why my W would get very upset when I had a "quiet" day. To feel any kind of security, the BS needs to know WHY the WS is quiet and withdrawn. If it isn't explained, they will be forced to draw their own conclusions...and they won't be nice ones.

[deadsoul]

Sorry to keep the thread jack going, but in my opinion, as a bs, this may not always be the case.

 

One thing that upsets a lot of bs is the feeling of total disconnection from your spouse. I know it makes no sense at all,but it's almost as if the person who, up until just a few minutes ago, you trusted and loved more than anyone else is gone, and this stranger is left in his or her place.

 

Yes. I really believe this is how my BH sees me

 

The person who you thought you knew is gone, and you end up having to build up who they are all over again. I know that doesn't make any sense, as to the ws really isn't any different, but if you look at it from the perspective of the bs, they are.

 

This makes total sense and it is good for me to read this

A bs is often left in a world that feels as if it's been razed, and all that you thought you knew is gone. You don't have any "guideposts" ( for lack of a better word) to help guide you through how your ws is doing. A bs can need help.

 

This whole thing has been likened to me burning down our entire house and now we are wandering around in the ashes trying to figure out how to rebuild.

 

This is why I would suggest a ws talking to his or her bs if they are feeling down or struggling. A bs can see this, and interpret it wrongly. Our minds can go to some very dark and sad places. We don't necessarily need all the details of the feelings, and sometimes just a heads up that it's a bad day can make a big difference.

 

This next part may sound snarky, so please take it in the spirit it's intended.

 

From a bs's point of view, it can seem like the ws has been making decisions for them throughout the affair. Please don't keep doing it after the A too. It's maddening. A bs needs to know where they stand and also if there are lingering feelings about the ow/om. Some may feel okay about sticking around while the ws works through them, others won't, and as adults, they have every right to make that decision. Telling them doesn't need t be complicated, just something as simple as " I'm sorry I might seem distant today. I'm just working through some thing in my mind. It's nothing bad, but I jut need a bit of time today". That can make a big difference, and it also helps the bs gauge what's going on.

 

Not snarky at all. As a BS, you communicated exactly what you are going through and this really helped me to read. I think you've raised some great points and you've given me some things to think about today. Very well written post. It's helpful, not attacking at all and it's communicated very clearly. Thank you.

[deadsoul]

Actually it's not hard to read, it's expected. However, sometimes it's best to go through it alone, it's best to be totally honest about your feelings and allow the BS to make the best, informed decision for themselves.

 

BBS spoke about questioning if she should continue in the marriage because she has feelings for the MM. This is simply an extension of wayward behavior, making unilateral decision about the marriage without allowing him a say in the matter.

 

Yes. I agree. But seeing as how I've been there, my empathy does not mean I endorse her behavior. Only she knows what she needs, but I know that the empathy I got from Jenkins and others helped me immensely. It helped me see how my actions were and helped me make better choices to change them.

 

What a WS goes through, in all honesty is irrelevant as it's concerns the marriage and the spouse. A WS should not want or expect the BS to sympathies or have empathy for that journey. It's akin to shooting someone in the face than asking them to feel sorry for you because you're in prison. Does that make sense?

 

Yes. And I've been saying that all along. So why isn't it okay for a WS to express this on a message board to help sort through it and better be able to communicate with their spouse? WMAC's suggestion of how to say this helped me a lot.

 

In my personal life, I had no empathy for my wife, she made her bed and she deserved everything that came her way. Then I began to feel bad for the way I did things, I started to emphasize with her journey. I started to understand how she must be feeling. Such harsh punishment for one short period of time. So, yeah I get it. But I got it once I removed myself from the marriage. Once I could see her as just a hurt woman and not the woman that hurt me.

 

So yeah I know that WS goes through it, no it doesn't anger me nor is it hard to read....what I see hard to read is failure to truly accept responsibility for both your actions and the pain you've created. Not accepting that you had a choice, that the affair didn't just happen, but you created the environment. That is what I get upset about.

 

I guess you and I have different approaches to how to deal with someone who isn't truly accepting responsibility. And that's okay. You come at these situations as a BS so your pain and experiences are very clear in your posts. I come at these situations as someone who has been there and I know what I was feeling and if it helps someone else to sort through their feelings, then it helps me too.

 

I don't expect you to have empathy for a wayward. I don't expect any BS to have empathy for a wayward. When I post, I'm finding I have to ask myself if I'm posting to project my own experiences onto another or am truly trying to help? I think sometimes that can easily get mixed up in all of our cases.

[deadsoul]

Snip. I actually had this conversation with the W last night. The thing that's so strange about all this; what makes no sense to me at all, is that I didn't actually lose anything. Nothing actually happened to me. It's not like I walked in and saw them in the throes of sex. It's not like we'd never been with other people (before marriage). It's not like I was actually attacked or hurt by either my W or the OM. I'm fine, I'm totally healthy, I've got no visible injuries, and, nothing actually happened to me. My W, yes, something really did happen to her, but, in some ways, it seems her path to healing is easier, even though she's the one who was actually "there".

 

It's so strange, I see "PTSD" thrown around a lot, and this is like "PTSD by proxy". You hear about a horrible experience your good friend had in a war and you're suddenly racked with a fear of gunshots. It's very weird because this is simply an emotional injury, perhaps the worst one most of us will ever suffer, but, externally, there's nothing wrong with you. Or you WS. It's an internal injury that nobody can see and even fewer can understand.

 

Yes. I've also heard this term thrown around and it is an emotional injury and no one can see it.

 

I've also read and likened my affair to an addiction. I've never been addicted to any substance before, but my affair sure had a lot of similar behaviors an addict might experience.

[BreakingWave]

I've also read and likened my affair to an addiction. I've never been addicted to any substance before, but my affair sure had a lot of similar behaviors an addict might experience.

 

This is so true for me, too... and I suspect for the vast majority of us here on this forum.

 

BBS - Hope you're hanging in there. How's NC going?

[wmacbride]

Excellent posts by wmac, overtaxed and DKT3. This really helps a former WS such as me understand things from a BS viewpoint. It also makes it very clear why my W would get very upset when I had a "quiet" day. To feel any kind of security, the BS needs to know WHY the WS is quiet and withdrawn. If it isn't explained, they will be forced to draw their own conclusions...and they won't be nice ones.

 

You got 'er pontiac ( sorry...pain is bad today, so 420 time came early)

 

As usual, I can only speak for myself, but what the mind creates is often far worse than reality. I'm not going to lie and say it wouldn't hurt to say a ws is grieving the A ( and I doubt any ws would be tactless enough to word it that way anyway) but that's far less painful that what a bs mind can wander to.

 

Things like:

- he's ( or she) is only here because the ap left them

- my ws is still planning on leaving

- I'm "second choice"

- my ws doesn't really want to be here, but he or she is only staying out of guilt

 

and I'm sure there's lots worse.

[wmacbride]

Yes. I've also heard this term thrown around and it is an emotional injury and no one can see it.

 

I've also read and likened my affair to an addiction. I've never been addicted to any substance before, but my affair sure had a lot of similar behaviors an addict might experience.

 

It might be liken to psychological addiction. Like a habit, where someone gets used to certain things being part of the daily routine, but even more entrenched. ( I'm sorry I didn't word that any better).

 

For what it's worth, I am always heartened to see a ws giving this much thought to their actions, and hope their bw/bh is aware of how much effort they are putting in. I'm not to keen on the idea that a ws should spend the rest of their marriage feeling like they have to make up for the A or feeling lower than dirt because of it. Mind you, we are a lot further out from the A than some, so our perspective is different.

 

Op, you will get through all of this. One day at a time.

[Overtaxed]

It might be liken to psychological addiction. Like a habit, where someone gets used to certain things being part of the daily routine, but even more entrenched. ( I'm sorry I didn't word that any better).

 

For what it's worth, I am always heartened to see a ws giving this much thought to their actions, and hope their bw/bh is aware of how much effort they are putting in. I'm not to keen on the idea that a ws should spend the rest of their marriage feeling like they have to make up for the A or feeling lower than dirt because of it. Mind you, we are a lot further out from the A than some, so our perspective is different.

 

Op, you will get through all of this. One day at a time.

 

That's a great analogy, and one I use often in my thoughts about the W's A. I was an addict at one point in my life, so I understand it better than most (not a badge you want, trust me) and a lot of the behaviors are the same. A PA is actually more than a psychological addiction, it's also a physical one; just like snorting cocaine gives you a rush of dopamine, as does sex/orgasms. So it's very reasonable to associate the 2.

 

And, your absolutely right, from this BS I can tell you, the LAST thing I want to do is thinking about the A and "holding it over" the W a year from now. I try very hard to make sure she knows when she does something important to me, and try not to harp too much on it when she does something that triggers me. It's a hard road; for both people, something that the BS and WS both need to remember.

[jenkins95]

I'm so moved by these posts...

 

wmac "I'm not to keen on the idea that a ws should spend the rest of their marriage feeling like they have to make up for the A or feeling lower than dirt because of it."

 

Overtaxed "And, your absolutely right, from this BS I can tell you, the LAST thing I want to do is thinking about the A and "holding it over" the W a year from now. I try very hard to make sure she knows when she does something important to me, and try not to harp too much on it when she does something that triggers me. It's a hard road; for both people, something that the BS and WS both need to remember."

 

Bless you both for this. That kind of empathy does you very great credit and I admire you for it. For the first time in a very long time, I will go to sleep tonight NOT feeling like a complete POS. Thank you both for these kind posts.

[wmacbride]

I'm so moved by these posts...

 

wmac "I'm not to keen on the idea that a ws should spend the rest of their marriage feeling like they have to make up for the A or feeling lower than dirt because of it."

 

Overtaxed "And, your absolutely right, from this BS I can tell you, the LAST thing I want to do is thinking about the A and "holding it over" the W a year from now. I try very hard to make sure she knows when she does something important to me, and try not to harp too much on it when she does something that triggers me. It's a hard road; for both people, something that the BS and WS both need to remember."

 

Bless you both for this. That kind of empathy does you very great credit and I admire you for it. For the first time in a very long time, I will go to sleep tonight NOT feeling like a complete POS. Thank you both for these kind posts.

 

You shouldn't feel like a pos. You are a man who made some poor choices. I have a feeling that if I asked your wife, she would probably have a list as long as my arm of great things about you. Every day that you keep pushing forward, she can add more to the list.

 

At first, it's no wonder if a bs is ambivalent towards their ws, but with many reconciled couples, they get past that and start to build new memories. All the positives will outweigh the an of the A, and one night, your wife will surprise herself by realizing she had a great day with you, and the A won't even have crossed her mind.

 

From what I have observed, most ws, ow/om aren't bad people. Most might have made some bad decisions, but that doesn't make them evil. mean, heartless of cruel. It makes them human. Same as me, and I know I've made a ton of bad decisions in my life.

 

Now, if they keep up the hurtful behavior knowing full well the damage it causing, I might have a different opinion.

 

Op, based on the fact that you have come on here, exposed yourself and your story to the world, and are open to feedback are extremely positive signs. I've never been a ws, but I expect that the "d-day" aftermath is hard on ws too. Be kind to yourself, and remember it's a marathon, not a race. One day at a time.It might help if, at the end of every day, you write out your thoughts and feelings, just to help yourself sort through them and help you find clarity.

 

For any ws, if you are wondering why your bs wants to reconcile, there could be a lot of reasons, but the most probably one is he or she loves you, and if gong through all the crap of reconciling is what they need to do to be with you, then that's what they'll do. Yes, you are loved that much.

Edited June 28, 2017 by wmacbride

[jenkins95]

This is a lovely post wmac. Like you, I am very encouraged by BBS coming here to seek advice an understanding, and the same can be said for deadsoul -she impresses me more and more each day.

 

The last sentence really hit home with me. I remember not long after the disclosure, after the initial anger had died down, we were both standing in the kitchen after an exhausting emotional day. She looked at me so vulnerable, with her hair all over the place and tears gently streaming from her red, exhausted eyes, and she said, her voice now weak and calm "Despite everything, I still love you. I can't just switch that off." These are moments that are humbling and will stay with you forever.

[deadsoul]

BBS, how are things?

[BigBlueSky]

Hi all,

 

This will need to be a quick message but I just wanted to say that I am so thankful for each of you. I'm not done reading through the most recent posts, but I know I've received a lot of encouragement from a lot of you.

 

One of my kids has been hospitalized which is why I haven't had time to keep up. I'll update once things have settled. Seems like one thing after the other these days.

[MidnightBlue1980]

For those of you that have been through NC, what has helped you to move forward?

 

MM and I ended it last week and it is painful. I have moments where I want to break down and cry because I miss him and want to talk to him (like today). Although I ended it, I feel like I didn't do it for me. I did it because I didn't want to hurt my family or his anymore, and I didn't want him to hurt anymore either. That makes it hard too.

 

I'd love to hear how other people have been able to walk through this, especially the first few weeks. What can I expect? What has been helpful?

 

Thanks in advance.

 

I realize there are 5 pages of comments here but I want to answer the original question. How to get through this and what to expect.

 

It sounds like there was no Dday. If that is correct I would expect him to come back. They typically do unless the wife finds out. However, since you did not have sex, I'm not sure. To be honest honey, while women seem to have these long, drawn out emotional affairs, men have affairs for the sex (for the most part). So it is quite possible he enjoyed your attention all these years but had other fires burning while he waited for the day you would give in. There is an expression passed around here, Prince Charming was only Prince Charming because he wanted a blow job. My point is that what you are grieving may unfortunately be one sided. He may come back for more attention but he also may feel it is too much work.

 

You will say of course, no we are so close, blah blah blah, but come on. Its a guy - a married guy. I believe it was Overtaxed who said that guys are only your friend because they are waiting for the chance for you to one day sleep with them. And they will wait years. It is so true. Trust me.

 

I do understand that you truly feel these feelings and I am sure you are quite addicted to him at this point - again, as Overtaxed said, the part of the brain that responds to these feelings is the same part that responds to cocaine. So understand that you are an addict and going through withdrawal. So here is what to do:

 

Make no decisions at this point. Do nothing until your head clears. The good part is that since you did not sleep with him, you are not chemically bonded to him, you may recover faster than the rest of us. But you will feel a lot of pain as you break the addiction. Realize it is an addiction. Have you ever tried to quit coffee, sugar, alcohol, something your body was used to having on a regular basis? There is a physiological withdrawal.

 

Maintain complete NC. He may come back because he likes the attention, it depends on how many fires he has going. Or he may not. There is no good outcome for breaking NC. Obviously you may go right back but worse is you reach out and he's moved on. You will feel beyond horrible. You were one to end it. Keep it like that and maintain your dignity.

 

Go to the gym. Take walks outside. Sleep. Take baths. Retail therapy. Take care of yourself. Read. Don't drink excessively. Allow yourself to cry. Write. Talk to a friend or a therapist. Ignore anyone telling you to divorce or tell your husband at this point. You are a mess and need to get control over yourself. Do not dump your pain on your husband's lap. What is he going to do with it.

 

To tell or not to tell. Ah, the 20 million dollar question. I will give you my husband and my own thoughts on it. You need to tell if your marriage is broken and at risk for divorce because of a joint lack of care of it. You need to tell if you are so far apart that you don't know how to bridge the gap and you want to bridge the gap. Again - you can't know this right now as you an addict going through withdrawal. You don't go into a drug rehab clinic and ask the people on the beds to choose a career, same as you do not dump all this crap on your husband. It;s not his job to make you feel better. That said, mine wanted to know every emotion as he felt it was his job to help me. It depends on your relationship.

 

That said - this website aside, most people consider an affair to include sex. So your husband probably will not believe you that you did not sleep with him. Consider that carefully. Think about what led you to this point. Sometimes, it is not a straight line so before you go telling, have a plan of how to explain this 6 year relationship which was not really a relationship.

 

So

1. NC - block him on all social media and do not respond if he reaches out, which he may, they tend to do that.

2. Take care of yourself, self love

3. Look at your marriage. Are you happy? What led you down this path? Is it something missing in your marriage or something missing inside you?

 

#3 - two very different answers give two different paths towards a better life.

Edited June 28, 2017 by MidnightBlue1980

[BigBlueSky]

Hello again deadsoul!

 

Thank you for your update and I'm really encouraged by everything you write. One thing we are all learning, proper recovery takes time. I'm nearly two years out and I still have bad days and PTSD etc. But things are so much better and I am often happy now (I'd forgotten what happiness felt like for a while!). I still have bad days too, as does my W, but they are much fewer.

 

I picked out the sentence above because it really resonated with me and highlights what a mess you can get your head in when in an affair - your thoughts, and by extension, your emotions do indeed often become very distorted.

 

The human brain.... At once the most marvellous feat of nature and also the most baffling and frustrating. If only it came with an instruction manual and a "control panel" and some of those often posted about switches that we could flick when we need to!!

 

Just keep going deadsoul. You are on the right track and we're with you every step of the way!

 

Sorry for the tj BBS. I actually see much of deadsoul in you, so it's great that she's here on your thread!

 

Have a good day guys.

 

Hi ds and Jenkins, no worries about the tjs - I'm glad you are able to connect and encourage each other!

 

ds, thanks for the video suggestions. I just looked him up and started listening to the one about happiness. Also, just wanted to thank you for your continued encouragement. You have no idea how much it means to me to have someone understand what I'm thinking. I realize that a lot of people reading this might know exactly what I should do but it is frustrating for them when I stumble or don't move fast enough. You seem to have a patient understanding about you.... So thank you.

 

Jenkins, I'm always encouraged to read your posts. Your journey with your wife has been good for me to read and you always have great insights and encouragement that I am strengthened by, so thank you!

 

I really feel so thankful for this community. I am normally a very private person and it has been good for me to lay it out there and to hear from various people, ws and bs alike. Although there are differing points of views I think it's important to hear from all sides. It's helpful for me to hear from people that are similar to me as well those that disagree with me. I feel stretched in my thoughts these days... Which is a good thing.

[BigBlueSky]

You shouldn't feel like a pos. You are a man who made some poor choices. I have a feeling that if I asked your wife, she would probably have a list as long as my arm of great things about you. Every day that you keep pushing forward, she can add more to the list.

 

At first, it's no wonder if a bs is ambivalent towards their ws, but with many reconciled couples, they get past that and start to build new memories. All the positives will outweigh the an of the A, and one night, your wife will surprise herself by realizing she had a great day with you, and the A won't even have crossed her mind.

 

From what I have observed, most ws, ow/om aren't bad people. Most might have made some bad decisions, but that doesn't make them evil. mean, heartless of cruel. It makes them human. Same as me, and I know I've made a ton of bad decisions in my life.

 

Now, if they keep up the hurtful behavior knowing full well the damage it causing, I might have a different opinion.

 

Op, based on the fact that you have come on here, exposed yourself and your story to the world, and are open to feedback are extremely positive signs. I've never been a ws, but I expect that the "d-day" aftermath is hard on ws too. Be kind to yourself, and remember it's a marathon, not a race. One day at a time.It might help if, at the end of every day, you write out your thoughts and feelings, just to help yourself sort through them and help you find clarity.

 

For any ws, if you are wondering why your bs wants to reconcile, there could be a lot of reasons, but the most probably one is he or she loves you, and if gong through all the crap of reconciling is what they need to do to be with you, then that's what they'll do. Yes, you are loved that much.

 

Wmac, thank you for your words. I feel so undeserving of them and I'm not sure how you can express those sentiments as a bs. It has been sobering writing my life out for the world to see but I guess I just needed to do something different, not to continue to be stuck where I was. I am learning that it is a marathon and I feel like I'm just starting. Because I'm writing on a public forum I feel my need to please others coming up. I judge myself thinking that others will think I'm not moving fast enough, I'm not making the right decisions, and on and on... I know I still have a mountain to work through. So thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

[BigBlueSky]

Hi MB, thanks for writing. After reading your post my first reaction was to defend my exAP. I started to think "But there is so much that I haven't shared and so much that you don't know!" But then I stopped myself and thought that really, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if he is genuine, or if he played me, or a bit of both. What matters to me at this moment is to work through the things that brought me down this path (poor boundaries, being a people pleaser, etc.) and to focus on my family. So definitely I will be working through the three things that you mentioned at the end there.

 

Not that I want to defend my exMM (or maybe I do?) but I find it interesting that there is a certain view that people have of men and affairs, that for the most part, men do the manipulating and that it's mostly about sex. Maybe I'm just naive but I think that men (and women) are more complicated than the generalizations and that there is a wide range of types of affair relationships that are motivated by many different factors. Definitely men are generally more sexual and physical than women and women are generally motivated by emotions but I don't know if it's helpful or accurate to paint such a broad stroke. Sorry, I'm just rambling now but just wanted to put those thoughts down.

[BigBlueSky]

BBS, how are things?

 

Well, past few days have been occupied with my son who was injured. Thankfully he will heal but it has been kind of crazy. Needless to say, I have been preoccupied and not thinking much of my exAP which is good. The day it happened I was having a down day. Kind of puts things into perspective for me. when crisis happens with family it brings out what he most important things are to me.