Fight with girlfriend this weekend

[thr1986]

Hi. I'm a 30 year old guy. I moved in with my girlfriend about 5 months ago in NYC after us being in a long distance relationship for a while. We generally get a long quite well. I however, have been quiet about something that really bothers me that she does and last week on Thursday I talked to her about it.

 

She has a lot of guy friends. Which I'm ok with. We hang out with them together all the time and it's fine with me. But, a couple of them she's very flirty with and just acts inappropriate with in general for someone who has a boyfriend. Very touchy and flirty. I've kept this frustration internal and have not said anything about it to her. Additionally, very often when we're out with friends and we're socializing, she will tell stories about guys she has had sex with. Telling the stories in front of me to a group of people just makes me uncomfortable and honestly makes me feel insulted a little. I don't do that to her. And I never hear other girlfriends doing that to their boyfriends. So, I also brought this up to her last Thursday as well. Overall she was receptive she. She got defensive a bit. But to be fair, she walked away from the conversation saying she agreed that my concerns were very reasonable and that she would stop doing it.

 

Friday night we're out with a group of people, we had been drinking for a few hours. So everyone is a little drunk. My girlfriend tells a story to the group about a guy she previously "brought home" and told this story that she thought was funny about the experience.

 

I literally just could not believe she did this again. So, I quietly talk to her about it the next opportunity we have alone which was about 20 mins later. I'm quite mad to be honest and I'm sick of dealing with this. I told her I'm done and that I was going to move out and the relationship was over. I'm sick of being insulted. We don't really get into a big fight or anything about it. We keep quiet about it and talk a little before bed and then a lot more the next morning.

 

When we talk about it- i said I'm just sick of her doing this. I do apologize for going overboard and I tell her that I don't want to break up but that I just was so furious she did it again. She says it's ok. We have been acting like the fight is over and we're fine. But- how do you think this makes her feel?

 

I was very apologetic for handeling the situation perhaps a little too extreme but at the same time I still maintained my stance that I don't appreciate that behavior and that I Don't do it to her. She actually agrees that it's inappropriate for her to act that way and says that my reaction is ok and that we are past it.

 

Do you think deep down I ruined our relationship by acting this way?

 

I love her so much but I just can't take the flirty behavior and sex stories in front of our friends it makes her look promiscuous and makes me look like a chump I think

 

What are your thoughts??

[doyathinkso]

"But- how do you think this makes her feel?" She didn't care how it made you feel.

 

"I was very apologetic" You're kidding us, right?

 

"Do you think deep down I ruined our relationship by acting this way?" No. She has already done that by acting her way after supposedly having had you voice your concerns to her about this just a few days prior.

 

"it makes her look promiscuous and makes me look like a chump I think" Well at least you got this right, because it does.

 

The sad truth is that she doesn't give two hoots about your feelings and does not take your 'relationship' seriously.

[niji]

Do you think deep down I ruined our relationship by acting this way?

 

I love her so much but I just can't take the flirty behavior and sex stories in front of our friends it makes her look promiscuous and makes me look like a chump I think

 

What are your thoughts??

 

No, I don't think you ruined your relationship. I disagree with her behaviors and would never accept it if I was a guy. Just because someone is female, doesn't mean they can act like they're single.

 

This is why I do not understand it when people say, "I'm flirtatious by nature". I personally know two women like this. One of them acted like she was married to this dude on one of our projects abroad, while she was married to a man in reality. She was all over him, kissing (not on the lips), hugging, etc. Another flirted with anybody who crossed her path while on that project (technically she was "on a break" with her ex-BF, but they resumed it as soon as she got back. Amazingly anytime she was abroad, they were "taking a break" ), kissed a guy, and then continued on her relationship with her ex for several more years.

 

I don't understand it. I know people who are charming in general and have this highly sensual way of talking/acting with the opposite sex, but they don't engage in inappropriate flirting like you described. I have never seen a case like yours when someone heavily flirts with the opposite sex yet still remain faithful to their SOs. It's like playing with fire, the question is not whether you'll get burned. The question is when.

[Arieswoman]

thr1986,

 

Do you think deep down I ruined our relationship by acting this way?

 

No

 

I just can't take the flirty behavior and sex stories in front of our friends it makes her look promiscuous and makes me look like a chump I think

 

Yes, I agree that it does.

 

You told her you didn't like her behaviour, and she agreed that she was out-of-order. She said she wouldn't do it again - then she does.

 

She's busting your boundaries and disrespecting you.

 

Stop doubting yourself and ffs stop apologising - you have a right to speak up for yourself and stand up for yourself and your boundaries.

 

If she does it again you walk.

[kiss_andmakeup]

She sounds really immature. Does this usually happen when she drinks? I'm sorry to say that it doesn't sound like she respects you very much. I'd find this behavior crass and obnoxious in a friend, let alone a partner.

[SevenCity]

The only thing you did wrong is apologize and back off from your breakup.

 

You have taught her she can walk all over you and disrespect you and there will be no consequences.

 

The girl I have been dating got upset and walked out of my house earlier on in the RL when we had a disagreement. I texted her saying I would give her a ride to the train station as she had no idea how to get there. She came back and I remained calm. She said she wanted to stay and apologized.

 

I accepted her apology but told her if she ever walks out on me again it will be forever - and I mean it.

 

You have to set your boundaries and stick by them. Otherwise you will be taken advantage of.

[thr1986]

My girlfriend, the girl we're talking about, I was friends with before we started dating. So during that friend period I was aware of her sexual habits and i must tell you that she was very promiscuous. She just craved sexual attn from guys.

 

Now we're in a relationship. We love each other. We live together. She's bringing me on vacation with her family and honestly we spend nearly all of our time together. I really love her. I'd do anything for her. She knows this. She tells me

The same.

 

She really does oftenly talk about past dates with guys, past hookups, it's like she enjoys letting me know that she's desired. It's unnecessary and I'm tired of it. But I also love her so I don't want to leave her.

 

The other issue is ger flirtatiousness. When we're out socializing and she's talking to a guy- she's always touching his forearm and generally being flirty. Like a single girl would to a guy she likes.

 

Do you think she's just a bad egg, if you will? I'm honestly a good guy. I'd never cheat on her. Actually while she was away on vacation, a girl we both know made a pass at me and I turned her down and then told my girlfriend when she got home from vacation. I'm a good person and I'm honest with her.

 

Why does she need to have so many guy friends that she texts on a regular basis? She says they're just all friends but I mean come on. These guys are single and then when we see them she will act flirty with them

 

I need your help. I need some direction here. I don't know what to do

[salparadise]

I think she's just one of those women who need a lot of validation and attract male attention by using their sexuality like currency. She's not going to change that fundamental predisposition even if she curtails the overt stuff temporarily. You have a decision to make. You can either initiate it or you can wait around until it comes crashing down around you.

[SevenCity]

It sounds like she is insecure and immature and needs validation from men to bolster her self worth. That would also explain her promiscuity. And you say she'll do anything for you. Sounds like she won't stop flirting or talking about previous sexual encounters. It's easy to SAY you'll do anything for you. But what do her actions say?

 

Bad news is she won't change. Good news is you know.

 

Will she actually cheat? Probably. Not when things are going great but when you get busy or take her for granted. After all, the attention you give her now isn't enough. Imagine when you are having a tough time and don't give her full attention like every guy does.

 

A good girl will stand by you, she will seek it elsewhere.

 

I would dump her as lack of respect is a deal breaker for me. But only you can make that decision.

[thr1986]

Well I live with her. It's not so easy to just break up. What you're saying about her cheating, is kinda in the back of my mind how I feel too. She's cheated on boyfriends in the past. I know this because she brought it up one time and said she did. I just want a girl who will love me like I love her and stick by me like I stick by her. I'll have to get a new apartment and honestly lots of new friends if her and I were to break up. It's really sad and gets me emotional just talking about it

[ExpatInItaly]

I think she's just one of those women who need a lot of validation and attract male attention by using their sexuality like currency. She's not going to change that fundamental predisposition even if she curtails the overt stuff temporarily. You have a decision to make. You can either initiate it or you can wait around until it comes crashing down around you.

 

I very much agree.

 

I have a coworker/friend who is exactly the same. She tells wild stories in front of anyone who will listen, including in her boyfriend's presence. You can visibly see the awkwardness on his face. She has also cheated on past boyfriends, and I would say she crosses normal boundaries of flirty behaviour even now.

 

And I can tell you, it's worse when her boyfriend is not around to hear or see it.

[Versacehottie]

I think you were not in the wrong. The telling of those kind of stories to a mixed group of people in your presence is rude, crass and disrespectful. Immature and desperate need for attention. If she is in a solid relationship with you, you would expect someone whose personality is along those lines to tone it done a bit and then a bit more. Just shows that things are balanced and moving into the next stage with each other rather than the person she was before.

 

The fact that she has lots of guy friends may need some leeway from you. Depending on how she handles herself with them, it's something that should be fine. But that's a big depending considering the attention she is trying to get from people. I don't know if you look farther down the road and let's say you end up married--it's not only does she respect you and can act loyal etc because she may be able to prove those things within a version of the relationship you have now. BUT a big one will be can you still respect her?? There is sometimes a neediness and impulsiveness that is just not wifey material as you described. Right now it seems like the immediate focus is on whether she is respecting you and are you out of line for wanting her to rein things in. In a while the real question may be, can you respect her? Remains to be seen even if you can get her to back off this behavior. Good luck

[thr1986]

The tough part for me is that I kind of know it's really a matter of time before she cheats. It would take a week or so of me not being at her beck and call for her to justify an infidelity, i think. She's done it in the past to other guys. How am I any different?

I just need proof though ya know? It's like I can't justify leaving bed for suspecting cheating. I have to know for sure to actually feel good about it.

 

I was out at a bar with her a few weeks ago and I left to go to the bathroom but quickly just came back because the line was so long I didn't want to wait. I was back mich quicker than she expected. When I came back she was dancing with a black guy I didn't know. She stopped right away when I came back.

 

Am I an idiot? Just being naive?

 

Am I in the wrong here?

[healing light]

I have to agree with the others here. This does not sound like a normal case of flirtatious behavior; this sounds pathological to me. The fact that you can't even step out to use the restroom without her being all over another guy? Bad news.

 

I had a promiscuous roommate who told me once that she needed the sexual validation of every man in the room, whether or not she was interested in him. She had daddy issues with an absentee father and had agreed in therapy that this was at the root of her behavior. The sad part was that she was aware she did this but still cheated on multiple boyfriends-- and they were none the wiser.

 

I'm not even sure that your girlfriend is mature enough to know why she does this, it sounds compulsive to me. But awareness is only the first step to changing the behavior, so I think it's highly unlikely that she will stop any time soon, especially after she did it again after your talk. Is alcohol always involved or is she like this sober, too?

 

Don't let the fact that you're 30 and share a mutual group of friends deter you from breaking up with her if that's what you decide you need to do. Frankly, you are still in your prime for the next several years, a great prospect for marriage should you find a woman you want to settle down with. Don't let yourself be privately miserable by committing to a woman only because it's inconvenient to break up with her. I'll tell you whats a lot more inconvenient: having to divorce an unfaithful partner that has had you looking over your shoulder for years.

 

Saving face to a group of friends and finding a new apartment is nothing compared to the misery that could follow if you decide to commit to this woman. You sound like you have a lot to offer a life partner, which is what I'm assuming you're looking for. Know your worth.

[SevenCity]

The tough part for me is that I kind of know it's really a matter of time before she cheats. It would take a week or so of me not being at her beck and call for her to justify an infidelity, i think. She's done it in the past to other guys. How am I any different?

I just need proof though ya know? It's like I can't justify leaving bed for suspecting cheating. I have to know for sure to actually feel good about it.

 

I was out at a bar with her a few weeks ago and I left to go to the bathroom but quickly just came back because the line was so long I didn't want to wait. I was back mich quicker than she expected. When I came back she was dancing with a black guy I didn't know. She stopped right away when I came back.

 

Am I an idiot? Just being naive?

 

Am I in the wrong here?

 

Proof? Like catching a scorching case of herpes?

 

Seriously, you are not special or different. She will cheat on you too. It's who she is, she can't help herself.

 

You know what you have to do. It sucks and will be difficult but you know it's the right thing.

 

Problem is her interest will skyrocket in you and she will do anything to get you back (temporarily). You have to man up and walk. For your own health and sanity.

 

One day you'll find a good girl and ask yourself WTF was I thinking?

[kiss_andmakeup]

OP, it sounds like you already know what you have to do. You acknowledge that her cheating is imminent. Are you under the impression that that is what you deserve? Is there something about this woman (looks, perhaps?) that give you incentive to overlook her disrespectful and disloyal behavior?

 

I have no problem with women or men living it up when they're single as long as they're (a) safe, and (b) honest with their partners. But your girlfriend appears to need sexual validation from varied male sources even while in a committed relationship. It's this, more so than her past promiscuity, that bodes poorly for your future with her. I think it's time to cut the cord here.

[thr1986]

Honestly- she FOUGHT LIKE CRAZY to get me to date her. When we were just fiends, we were friends only because I didn't want to date her. I hope this doesn't offfend anyone because it's not her fault, but she has bipolar type 2 and that is why I didn't want to date her at first. I accepted that though and then after we started dating and especially after I moved in with her, she just doesn't seem as interested. Her desire to have sex with me is incredibly different than it was at first. Sexually it's like she's not as interested in me at all anymore.

 

I just don't get it. I flood her with attn and gifts and thoughtful things. For example. I get her cards from time to time and just write nice things. She's never done that once for me, ever.

[thr1986]

I can't imagine what else she could want. Her family loves me. I have a great job. I'm responsible. I come from a great family. I'm good looking. It's like just just constantly desires the attn of other men no matter who it is she has taking care of her

[kgcolonel]

Honestly- she FOUGHT LIKE CRAZY to get me to date her. When we were just fiends, we were friends only because I didn't want to date her. I hope this doesn't offfend anyone because it's not her fault, but she has bipolar type 2 and that is why I didn't want to date her at first. I accepted that though and then after we started dating and especially after I moved in with her, she just doesn't seem as interested. Her desire to have sex with me is incredibly different than it was at first. Sexually it's like she's not as interested in me at all anymore.

 

I just don't get it. I flood her with attn and gifts and thoughtful things. For example. I get her cards from time to time and just write nice things. She's never done that once for me, ever.

 

This is very critical. Several others have stated that she craves attention just like a heroin addict craves the next fix. When they simple think about it or see something that reminds them of the fix, they begin to crave. Your GF was craving the attention from you, not you but the attention from you. Thus once she had / had you, she's still not satisfied and craves additional attention from other guys. Thus the flirting etc. It is only a matter of time unless she gets some help to deal with this issue IMO.

[Versacehottie]

I can't imagine what else she could want. Her family loves me. I have a great job. I'm responsible. I come from a great family. I'm good looking. It's like just just constantly desires the attn of other men no matter who it is she has taking care of her

 

I wouldn't make this about you not meeting her standards. You obviously do! Make this about her not meeting yours. I think you should move on (hard bc you live together I know) but I 100% think it's time and you will regret it if you don't. Don't get in any deeper.

 

Sounds like she is just good at that initial exciting stage and then as far as stuff that's real, she's awful and would never, could never appreciate or live up to what a guy like you needs & wants. Be honest with yourself. Would you actually be proud to introduce her as your gf/wife without knowing what will come out of her mouth next or what she will do. Good luck

[Miss Peach]

I can relate to both sides of your post OP. I've had some issues where BF does things that makes me uncomfortable and came very close to leaving over it myself. Luckily in my case most of the things that hurt me have stopped. I wish he would take it a little farther on his own accord but it's at least manageable to me now.

 

On the other hand I am a bit like how you describe your GF. I'm not a touchy person typically unless invited to be but I like attention from men even though I will never do anything with it. I am loyal to BF and have told him I'm not going to leave him because some guy comes up to me with attention - I will leave due to his actions.

 

Not sure if this helps you, but in my case, my BF likes to come in and make himself known. Do he'll do something like come over and give me a kiss on the forehead. It sends the message that he wants to send that I'm taken but I still get my attention from men when we socialize. With men I never take things farther than a conversation unless BF is invited too. The only time I might be more physical is with women because BF seems to enjoy watching it (and I am bisexual) but I don't do it often.

 

Now I don't think there's anything bad about apologizing because there's always two people who tend to escalate a fight. So recognizing your part in the escalation shows maturity IMO. These are things I personally look for in men. The thing is what is she doing on her side to find a compromise that both of you can live with.

[thr1986]

She just gets weird. Sometimes she acts like she's just there with me going through the motions. Doesn't start conversation with me. Doesn't act excited to be with me. But she does get really excited around other guys I've noticed.

 

Why would she want me to live with her and talk about getting married, kids, etc but then act so uninthused sometimes?

[thr1986]

Why wouldn't she just end the relationship if she's not into it. Why would she want me to live in her small apartment? It just doesn't make sense to me.

[kendahke]

Do you like the person you have to become in order to have her in your life?

 

You can't even leave her alone for 3 minutes before she's allowing a stranger into her intimacy.

 

You tell her to knock off with the sexcapade stories of past lovers in front of you when with friends and she still does it and dares you to make a move? My dear, she's provoking you.

 

Tell you what---do the same thing to her and see how she feels.

 

Seriously, the only person you're letting down by making up all these excuses about moving out is you. You're the one who's going to be hammered down by her disrespect, so is this how you want to find yourself in 3-5 years time? Everyone pitying you behind your back while she's regaling them with stories of her sexploits?

 

And make doubly sure you don't create any oopsie babies with her.

[OnlyHonesty]

I told her I'm done and that I was going to move out and the relationship was over.

 

I do apologize for going overboard and I tell her that I don't want to break up but that I just was so furious she did it again.

 

 

What you have demonstrated here is that your words mean nothing. Your boundaries also mean nothing because setting them without enforcing them, makes them meaningless.

 

This all communicates to your gf that when ever she acts in a disrespective manner, you might have a go at her, but you will never take any action. This actually works in her favour because it gives her an additional form of validation, secondary gain, and food for her egos needs.

 

You also apologized which demonstrates you do not own what you say and that you fear a ''negative'' consequence (fear losing her).

 

Ultimately, this will not work because I see too many symptoms of unconscious thought, ego, and power struggles. You also talk about loving her but I believe like many, you have confused what love really is.

 

Watch this video and listen, you might understand what I mean...if yo do not, then you simply aren't ready to yet.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGVLjcVR4uY