Crossing the line or not?

[LilyViolet]

For what it's worth,

 

I don't think it's a matter of trust or making him feel safe. I think it's more about him being made aware of your continuing relationship with a guy who has been where he is now.

 

I think it's all about respect. Would you/have you tell/told him about all of your lovers, given him their pictures and are prepared to introduce them as such if you were to meet them casually?

 

If you are in a reciprocally committed and loving relationship you try to protect your loved one at all times. Some boundaries should be discussed but others should be intuitive. I'm not him and he's not you but I also think that what's good for the goose should be sauce for the gander.

 

Just sayin',

 

Twosadthings

 

Yes I totally agree. However, me and my bf were friends for many many years before getting together so he already knew all about my ex, that it was long over and that we are now friends. He knows all about all of exes for this reason and vice versa. I've always been open as he's never had an issue before and honestly it never occurred to me to be anything but open about it because he's a friend like any other. I'm very open with my phone, I'll get my partner to open messages for me if I'm doing something and he uses my phone a lot. There's nothing to hide. He was always ok before it's just this has come out of nowhere. Literally nothing has changed in my friendship with my ex. I don't talk to him much, rarely talk about him or anything like that. I am concerned there is more here than meets the eye. As I said it has coincided with him running into that friend so I am concerned maybe he has been triggered by that but doesn't feel able to express it. I am ok with his friendships with exes and I really feel that if out of nowhere I turned to him and said he shouldn't speak to them anymore, he'd do it but would want to talk about why now and if he'd done anything disrespectful and how I was feeling etc.

 

I suppose we haven't really discussed boundaries but I believe my contact with my ex is already boundaried. Nothing has happened with my ex for years, when he tried to kiss me that time I put a stop to contact and made it clear that if that happened again our friendship would be over. Following this we were both single and nothing happened between us then. I am open about all contact, we don't speak a great deal and I see him with his partner with my bf invited so I do feel like the boundaries were there and I asked a lot on the way if he was cool with it and he's dismissed it like of course it's not a problem. He has similar friendships with exes. However it seems to have crossed a boundary now but I can't get him to discuss what that is or why now as nothing has changed at all.

[hestheone66]

I know exactly what you mean in regards to your friend. I have the same background (ex lover became deep friend). I posted about it before.

 

Our bond has ways been special and strong from our first meeting, however the next GF he had after me was toxic and made it impossible for us to communicate openly. The depression it caused him was immense as he really loved her, but she was doing it as a way to manage her own insecurity. She stopped him from keeping up his male friends after a while too.

 

He finally left her but he was broken inside for a long while. He and I made a pact to not have partners that wouldn't be able to accept our deep platonic bond. The result is his current gf and I have become deep friends and he and my bf also.

 

I say that boyfriends come and go,but real deep friends endure and you need them..if you were married or getting engaged I think my views may change eg you could ask your bf to explain why his attitude changed to you staying friends.

 

You also need to be tougher and allow him to be sad or frustrated with you. (Something I struggled with for a long time) your needs are just as valid as his..overtime if you gave up this friendship to make him happy you may resent him..

Edited June 19, 2017 by hestheone66
Typos

[Try]

However, me and my bf were friends for many many years before getting together so he already knew all about my ex, that it was long over and that we are now friends.

I am concerned there is more here than meets the eye. As I said it has coincided with him running into that friend so I am concerned maybe he has been triggered by that but doesn't feel able to express it.

You do not understand men. Your bf was an orbiter friend of yours for many years before he had the opportunity to make his move and become your official boyfriend. As such he knows that you wrongly convinced whomever you were dating at the time, that you and your now bf were just friends, and that your now bf had no romantic interest in you. Your now bf knew then that you were wrong about him, and he suspects that you are now wrong about your ex. Your now bf was never truly OK with you seeing your ex, but after finally getting out of your friend zone felt that he should not make an issue of your ex while your relationship was still new. Especially since he would then have to admit to you that he was always an orbiter looking for the chance to be more. I am also guessing that when he ran into your ex, he saw the subtle, but non-disrespectful signs that the ex was an orbiter too.

[Try]

According to a 2012 article in Scientific American titled ‘Men and Women Can’t Be “Just Friends”’ which cited a University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, USA, study published in JSPR (Journal of Social and Personal Relationships), men and women have a completely different view of their opposite sex friends. The article states that ‘New research suggests that there may be some truth to this possibility—that we may think we’re capable of being “just friends” with members of the opposite sex, but the opportunity (or perceived opportunity) for “romance” is often lurking just around the corner’.

 

Researchers brought 88 pairs of opposite-sex friends into a science lab. In order to ensure honest responses, the researchers not only followed standard protocols regarding anonymity and confidentiality, but also required both friends to agree to refrain from discussing the study, even after they had left the testing facility. These friendship pairs were then separated, and each member of each pair was asked a series of questions related to his or her romantic feelings (or lack thereof) toward the friend with whom they were taking the study. The results of the study suggest large gender differences in how men and women experience opposite-sex friendships. The men more often than the females admitted that they would be interested in a romantic relationship with their female "just friends".

[Overtaxed]

Ahh good, a chance to cue up one of my favorites:

 

 

Listen, OP, I hear you, I do. It seems innocent enough right? He's just a friend. Thing is, that is NOT how men work. We don't invest in friendships with women we've been romantically involved with, we just don't. I know it's hard for you to understand because women are so different, but, if there's no sexual interest, we won't do it.

 

Listen, thought exercise here. Would this guy sleep with you if you asked? Now, I think we all know the answer is an enthusiastic "yes", but, here's where it get's interesting. So, you want to hang out with a guy who'd sleep with you at the drop of a hat? How would you feel about your BF hanging out with a prostitute who's shown interest in him in the past? With a wallet full of cash.

 

Yes, that's exactly what it's like for him. 99.9% of men will never have the kind of "sexual access" that just about any attractive woman has today. We just won't. A woman can pretty much stroll into any bar anywhere in the world and find sex in 5 minutes flat. The only way a man can compare to that is to pay for it, or to be rich and famous. Sure, we trust you (our GFs/wives) not to do that, but, at the same time, walking that line, "just talking to a friend" is really akin to us going to a brothel to "just talk" to some women. Women who would sex us up at the first sign we're open to it (well, and, in this analogy, willing to pay). How would you feel about that? About your man hanging out/just friends with women who were DYING to sleep with him and would do it on a moments notice?

 

That's what you're asking him to deal with here. Even if you have no intention of doing it, the guy does, because.. He's a guy! And he's already shown interest. So, in his eyes, it's not a matter of "if", it's just a matter of when (you'll be ready to have sex).

 

Which is why, to bring this full circle, women and men, when there's ANY sexual chemistry at all, cannot be friends. You can interact professionally, you can work on common goals or hobbies, but, as soon as you start sharing things you'd share with your GFs, he's going to get emotionally interested and want to sleep with you. It's as clear as the day is long. Tons of research has shown this to be the case. But, most importantly, "real life" shows us this is the case. You can be his friend, yes, but you're really using him, because he's there because he wants to have sex with you, not because he really wants to be your friend.

 

I'm sorry this is how we are, but, even with totally innocent intentions, the second you forget this about men is the second you make a terrible mistake in your relationship.

 

Firstly there is no chance of me ever cheating and I'm so sure the same goes for my ex who has way too much on his mind as a 30 year old battling cancer to be thinking of this, plus I really think the support we provide each other is valuable to us both. I've always been open and honest with my partner and he is fully invited along should I have met with my ex. My boyfriend has had bad experiences in the past with cheating which I am trying to be mindful of. His ex cheated on him a few times times, with his supposed friends, the last time in his own bed. So I get his worry. But I would never cheat.

 

Says every soon to be cheater EVER in the history of cheating. Listen, I'm not calling you a cheater, your not, at least not yet. But you're on a path to it, and you will be that person you so despise if you keep this up.

[Overtaxed]

I know exactly what you mean in regards to your friend. I have the same background (ex lover became deep friend). I posted about it before.

 

Our bond has ways been special and strong from our first meeting, however the next GF he had after me was toxic and made it impossible for us to communicate openly. The depression it caused him was immense as he really loved her, but she was doing it as a way to manage her own insecurity. She stopped him from keeping up his male friends after a while too.

 

He finally left her but he was broken inside for a long while. He and I made a pact to not have partners that wouldn't be able to accept our deep platonic bond. The result is his current gf and I have become deep friends and he and my bf also.

 

I say that boyfriends come and go,but real deep friends endure and you need them..if you were married or getting engaged I think my views may change eg you could ask your bf to explain why his attitude changed to you staying friends.

 

You also need to be tougher and allow him to be sad or frustrated with you. (Something I struggled with for a long time) your needs are just as valid as his..overtime if you gave up this friendship to make him happy you may resent him..

 

This is extremely rare, and is told from the woman's point of view. I'd like to hear what her male friend really thinks here; I suspect he still has very deep (not just friends) feelings for you. But, even if he doesn't, this is very much a "corner case", thinking that this is typical male behavior will, without question, get you into trouble.

 

I'd never value my friends over my W. Not saying your wrong, but we just have totally different views, friends come and go, wives/husbands are forever; they are the ones to be protected and cherished above all else.

[hestheone66]

I agree with a lot of what you say.

 

I have male Platonic friends who may "want" to sleep with me but they value our friendship more..so it's not really about desire, but behaviour that is important.

 

A bf has lesser status in influencing me than a husband obviously and I agree I would never jeopardise a marriage for a friend, but I also wouldn't want a husband to allow his insecurities to cloud my right to choose friends, esp if nothing has happened... In this case the OP said that many years elapsed when they were both single and he didn't make an advance...

 

I'd never value my friends over my W. Not saying your wrong, but we just have totally different views, friends come and go, wives/husbands are forever; they are the ones to be protected and cherished above all else.

[Poutrew]

Your boyfriend was OK with the relationship you and your ex had until something very significant happened: You want to 'meet him', In other words, you were initiating the first, baby steps to make a physical entry point for this man to come back into your life. BF can also read your body language like a book - do NOT make the mistake so many other women make in thinking your man is not paying attention to you or that he normally doesn't care and is not observant. That is as far from the truth as you can get. He knows you are feeling guilty for breaking up with the guy and he can read the signs your body is giving out stating how much you want to hook back up with this man (in a nonsexual way)... even though you verbally are saying the exact opposite. Your man KNOWS...

 

Also, I like the overconfident way you are telling us how, unlike millions of other women, you are different. You will never have an affair... That somehow, your DNA is different from any other human on this planet...Sorry LV, but you are so, so very wrong. You are so wrong that you can not see that even right now, this very instant, you are already ensnaring yourself in the beginnings of an emotional affair. How can I, someone who has never seen you and doesn't know you from Eve be so confident in my assessment? By the way you are reacting when we perfect strangers are telling you that you need to end your relationship with this guy. Ok, ok, I get that you are telling us that you fully intend to end the relationship... yet you are still obviously having trouble wrapping your head around the necessity of doing so. When you are telling us how you truly do not have a problem with your boyfriend keeping in contact with his old lovers. Does he only text them? Has he ever hinted that he wants to visit any of them? "Honey, I think you and Debbie, my old lover from college will be tremendous friends. She just blew into town and I invited her to dinner here next Saturday, OK? You and her have so many things in common..." If you truly don't mind something like that playing out, then my hat is off to you. Boy DNA is different from girl DNA, I guess. If you value your present relationship you will willingly, and without rancor, stop communication with your old BF. Your present BF needs to see how you behave without making him think that you ended the relationship only because he held a gun to your head (That, btw, is why he is being so quiet)... the only safe exception to this would be to show up for the funeral if he passes from his illness. And only with your BF along for moral support.

 

As a man, I am telling you straight up: Stop with the attitude. Your boyfriend can see it as surely as if you were walking around naked in public. You are risking your future with this man otherwise...

[LilyViolet]

You do not understand men. Your bf was an orbiter friend of yours for many years before he had the opportunity to make his move and become your official boyfriend. As such he knows that you wrongly convinced whomever you were dating at the time, that you and your now bf were just friends, and that your now bf had no romantic interest in you. Your now bf knew then that you were wrong about him, and he suspects that you are now wrong about your ex. Your now bf was never truly OK with you seeing your ex, but after finally getting out of your friend zone felt that he should not make an issue of your ex while your relationship was still new. Especially since he would then have to admit to you that he was always an orbiter looking for the chance to be more. I am also guessing that when he ran into your ex, he saw the subtle, but non-disrespectful signs that the ex was an orbiter too.

 

Well we've since spoken and your dead wrong, but I guess that's what happens when you make gender stereotypes. My boyfriend was never attracted to me in all the years we were friends and vice versa, you can say whatever you like. It was me who made the first move and it took him awhile to get his head round it. You're basing this on nothing but assumption and what 'men' are all like.

[LilyViolet]

Ahh good, a chance to cue up one of my favorites:

 

 

Listen, OP, I hear you, I do. It seems innocent enough right? He's just a friend. Thing is, that is NOT how men work. We don't invest in friendships with women we've been romantically involved with, we just don't. I know it's hard for you to understand because women are so different, but, if there's no sexual interest, we won't do it.

 

Listen, thought exercise here. Would this guy sleep with you if you asked? Now, I think we all know the answer is an enthusiastic "yes", but, here's where it get's interesting. So, you want to hang out with a guy who'd sleep with you at the drop of a hat? How would you feel about your BF hanging out with a prostitute who's shown interest in him in the past? With a wallet full of cash.

 

Yes, that's exactly what it's like for him. 99.9% of men will never have the kind of "sexual access" that just about any attractive woman has today. We just won't. A woman can pretty much stroll into any bar anywhere in the world and find sex in 5 minutes flat. The only way a man can compare to that is to pay for it, or to be rich and famous. Sure, we trust you (our GFs/wives) not to do that, but, at the same time, walking that line, "just talking to a friend" is really akin to us going to a brothel to "just talk" to some women. Women who would sex us up at the first sign we're open to it (well, and, in this analogy, willing to pay). How would you feel about that? About your man hanging out/just friends with women who were DYING to sleep with him and would do it on a moments notice?

 

That's what you're asking him to deal with here. Even if you have no intention of doing it, the guy does, because.. He's a guy! And he's already shown interest. So, in his eyes, it's not a matter of "if", it's just a matter of when (you'll be ready to have sex).

 

Which is why, to bring this full circle, women and men, when there's ANY sexual chemistry at all, cannot be friends. You can interact professionally, you can work on common goals or hobbies, but, as soon as you start sharing things you'd share with your GFs, he's going to get emotionally interested and want to sleep with you. It's as clear as the day is long. Tons of research has shown this to be the case. But, most importantly, "real life" shows us this is the case. You can be his friend, yes, but you're really using him, because he's there because he wants to have sex with you, not because he really wants to be your friend.

 

I'm sorry this is how we are, but, even with totally innocent intentions, the second you forget this about men is the second you make a terrible mistake in your relationship.

 

 

 

Says every soon to be cheater EVER in the history of cheating. Listen, I'm not calling you a cheater, your not, at least not yet. But you're on a path to it, and you will be that person you so despise if you keep this up.

 

Some of these answers are just so insanely based on assumption it's difficult to take them seriously. Would he sleep with me? The answer is no. But no doubt without knowing him or the situation at all you're going to te me I'm wrong because hey no one can have a friendship with an ex without wanting more right? I'm sorry but it's just nonsense in this situation. The things I share with him are not private, and I speak regularly to his partner on the same subject as well. Is this still super inappropriate considering I am bisexual? Am I in danger of sleeping with her too? Also by your logic I shouldn't be friends with any man ever because they all want sex. This is a ridiculous assertion. My best friend in the world is a man and the idea of us having sex is incestuous to us. Not everyone fits into your black and white world and don't tell me I'll understand because I'm not a guy. I'm not naive, I have plenty experience with guys like that.

[LilyViolet]

Hi all. I have an update. I was not expecting to have one so quickly! My bf came home late from work last night and wanted to talk about it.

 

As I suspected, him running into his friend was a trigger for him. He said it just reminded him of his friend's betrayal and it was so out of the blue and he never saw it coming. It said it suddenly made him panic, he said he looked at our relationship and how happy he finally feels and suddenly panicked that he was going to lose it and have no control over it. He said that's why he couldn't talk to me about it when I asked him - he actually had no logical reason why the friendship was bothering him, he just felt this sudden panic and couldn't really express it.

 

He said the fact that when he said it immediately said I would end the friendship but seemed more concerned about my bf's feelings rather than put out or annoyed about it was reassuring. He said that given time he reflected that I hadn't done anything wrong and he couldn't ask for me to be more transparent. I said to him very clearly that he didn't have to say this stuff if he just felt it was what I wanted to hear. I told him he comes first and if he feels uncomfortable that's a totally valid feeling and I just want to talk about it. He said no, he wants the friendship to continue, and will be making the effort to join me if we have the chance to meet with him and his partner.

 

We discussed boundaries and my bf said he feels like I am very boundaried in all of my friendships. He says I haven't given him any reason to be insecure and the issue is him. I told him that it's totally normal and he started to tell me more about his previous relationship. He said he always had to keep his emotions back and hide things - not just emotions but physical things. He got his mail sent to his parents because she opened a bank letter, and used the info to steal 3k from him. She destroyed an antique knife given to him my his grandfather trying to cut open a metal tin full of his money. When she told him about the last cheating incident, he left the house. When he returned to get his stuff, she had sold and thrown away all of it.

 

I said it's great that he's telling me this but maybe should look to tell a professional to help work him through it. My bf is quite stoic. He's very popular and gets on well with everyone. He's a strong chap. He has a lot of regret for staying so long and had basically agreed that he may need a bit counselling to work through it which is positive.

 

As for my ex, well I will likely I text him and his partner thanking them for their well wishes and saying things went well at the scan and take care etc. I will likely not speak with him again for months.

[road]

I agree with a lot of what you say.

 

I have male Platonic friends who may "want" to sleep with me but they value our friendship more..so it's not really about desire, but behaviour that is important.

 

A bf has lesser status in influencing me than a husband obviously and I agree I would never jeopardise a marriage for a friend, but I also wouldn't want a husband to allow his insecurities to cloud my right to choose friends, esp if nothing has happened... In this case the OP said that many years elapsed when they were both single and he didn't make an advance...

 

I'd never value my friends over my W. Not saying your wrong, but we just have totally different views, friends come and go, wives/husbands are forever; they are the ones to be protected and cherished above all else.

 

 

When in a relationship there is no need for opposite sex friends.

[LilyViolet]

When in a relationship there is no need for opposite sex friends.

 

I am bisexual, does this mean no friends for me? He has friends with women that are totally innocent. This is getting a bit silly!

[LilyViolet]

Your boyfriend was OK with the relationship you and your ex had until something very significant happened: You want to 'meet him', In other words, you were initiating the first, baby steps to make a physical entry point for this man to come back into your life. BF can also read your body language like a book - do NOT make the mistake so many other women make in thinking your man is not paying attention to you or that he normally doesn't care and is not observant. That is as far from the truth as you can get. He knows you are feeling guilty for breaking up with the guy and he can read the signs your body is giving out stating how much you want to hook back up with this man (in a nonsexual way)... even though you verbally are saying the exact opposite. Your man KNOWS...

 

Also, I like the overconfident way you are telling us how, unlike millions of other women, you are different. You will never have an affair... That somehow, your DNA is different from any other human on this planet...Sorry LV, but you are so, so very wrong. You are so wrong that you can not see that even right now, this very instant, you are already ensnaring yourself in the beginnings of an emotional affair. How can I, someone who has never seen you and doesn't know you from Eve be so confident in my assessment? By the way you are reacting when we perfect strangers are telling you that you need to end your relationship with this guy. Ok, ok, I get that you are telling us that you fully intend to end the relationship... yet you are still obviously having trouble wrapping your head around the necessity of doing so. When you are telling us how you truly do not have a problem with your boyfriend keeping in contact with his old lovers. Does he only text them? Has he ever hinted that he wants to visit any of them? "Honey, I think you and Debbie, my old lover from college will be tremendous friends. She just blew into town and I invited her to dinner here next Saturday, OK? You and her have so many things in common..." If you truly don't mind something like that playing out, then my hat is off to you. Boy DNA is different from girl DNA, I guess. If you value your present relationship you will willingly, and without rancor, stop communication with your old BF. Your present BF needs to see how you behave without making him think that you ended the relationship only because he held a gun to your head (That, btw, is why he is being so quiet)... the only safe exception to this would be to show up for the funeral if he passes from his illness. And only with your BF along for moral support.

 

As a man, I am telling you straight up: Stop with the attitude. Your boyfriend can see it as surely as if you were walking around naked in public. You are risking your future with this man otherwise...

 

Sigh. Another long one that hasn't actually read through properly.

 

I was already meeting him occasionally, we've been friends years. WITH HIS PARTNER THERE TOO.

 

There was never any question of my not ending the friendship, it was the lack of communicating with my partner that concerned me in terms of whether this was a smart move

 

I'm not saying I'm different from anyone, I've cheated and been cheated on and I know with 100% certainty that no circumstances could possibly lead me to cheat. You can doubt this all you want but it doesn't stop it being true. I would sooner be cheated on than cheat.

 

And yes my boyfriend is indeed in contact with some exes and does see them. He has female friends also. I have zero problem with this. Why would I?

 

My man does not 'know' I want to hook back up with him. I have no attraction to him at all and all communication, which is rare by the way, has been totally transparent.

 

I appreciate the advice but some of you make way too many assumptions and have a black and white view of stuff, and it's really not helpful.

[hestheone66]

I applaud you striving for openness and ethics.

Your man obviously is like many who need time to process emotions without pressure or feeling it's pathological. He is also considerate of your feelings. Trust is the best feeling and it seems like you reassured him.

 

My man is like yours, takes ages to process things but I have confidence his discernment eventually feels a our connection..this becomes a great circle of trust and further proper communication

[elaine567]

My problem here is that this man put up with a whole lot of garbage from his ex, so he most likely has a "people pleaser" type of personality and I am a bit worried that you have oh so gently and oh so rationally, persuaded him to stop listening to his gut screaming and accept what to him may be the unacceptable, as he loves you and doesn't want to lose you.

 

Yes, it all looks like the problem is solved on the surface, but is it really?

[Overtaxed]

Some of these answers are just so insanely based on assumption it's difficult to take them seriously. Would he sleep with me? The answer is no. But no doubt without knowing him or the situation at all you're going to te me I'm wrong because hey no one can have a friendship with an ex without wanting more right? I'm sorry but it's just nonsense in this situation. The things I share with him are not private, and I speak regularly to his partner on the same subject as well. Is this still super inappropriate considering I am bisexual? Am I in danger of sleeping with her too? Also by your logic I shouldn't be friends with any man ever because they all want sex. This is a ridiculous assertion. My best friend in the world is a man and the idea of us having sex is incestuous to us. Not everyone fits into your black and white world and don't tell me I'll understand because I'm not a guy. I'm not naive, I have plenty experience with guys like that.

 

OK then; if your sure he won't sleep with you; there's no sexual attraction there at all (from him to you, not you to him, that doesn't matter in this equation), then maybe you can be friends.

 

Listen, are we insane/hardline here? Maybe. Many of us (myself included) have been cheated on. Had our GF/wives come here before the affair started asking about the "friend" they wanted to talk to talk to, they would have sounded EXACTLY like you. My wife almost certainly would have said "there's no attraction there", it would be "disgusting" to hook up with him because he was a mentor to her, a close "friend", a spiritual leader, and they'd known each other for the better part of a decade. Shoot, she and I both knew his wife/family.

 

And yet, she did hook up with him. Because he was attracted to her, and used their friendship to break down the walls. It happens here every day. It happens in the real world 1000's of times a day. Many of us here have either seen it, been a part of it, read the e-mails watching it happen (me, ugh), or actually been the guy doing it. We know it happens, and it happens exactly how your describing your situation here. Your situation is actually a bit more clear because there was romantic intention at one time, but, neither here nor there, this is how it always starts. It's rare for an A to be a ONS, it does happen, but it's rare, especially for WW's. It's almost always a "circle of friend" or "work circle" that facilitates the A.

 

The final recommendation I will give you is to read "Not Just Friends". It's a great book, and I often wish I'd found it before my W's A, it would have absolutely brought some of the issues with male/female friendships to the forefront for her.

 

I wish you the best, and I sincerely hope we're wrong and you're right.

[IndigoNight]

Lily it seems like you and your bf have sorted some things out, which is good.

 

I am friends with a couple of exes and my husband has never had an issue with it because I have never lied about it, or hidden it from him. He can check my email, phone, whatever and there are never any indiscretions, or anything sketchy to find. He is welcome to answer my phone anytime it rings. I don't delete messages, or hide things. There is nothing to hide from him.

 

He is also friends with a couple of his exes, and the same things apply. Nothing is hidden, because we have both been through enough BS in the past to have a VERY low tolerance for it. Simply put, we respect one another, and the boundaries we agreed to when we first started dating. It's worked well for close to 20 years.

 

So, in my experience, it is possible to be friends with some exes, as long as it is out in the open, and there are no lingering feelings of "what might have been". Our exes that we stay in contact with are good people we dated, and it didn't work out. It happens.

 

Could it change? Sure, and we are both well aware of what the cost will be. That was also discussed at the beginning of our relationship, and still applies. When you know the cost of a transgression, and know your partner will enforce it, it tends to make the boundaries VERY clear. At least it does in our marriage.

 

I hope your friend has a hopeful prognosis. Having someone to confide in, and talk about our fears openly, when our health takes a nasty turn can be so comforting, and helpful in the process of getting better.

[LilyViolet]

My problem here is that this man put up with a whole lot of garbage from his ex, so he most likely has a "people pleaser" type of personality and I am a bit worried that you have oh so gently and oh so rationally, persuaded him to stop listening to his gut screaming and accept what to him may be the unacceptable, as he loves you and doesn't want to lose you.

 

Yes, it all looks like the problem is solved on the surface, but is it really?

 

He's definitely not a people pleaser! Sorry I laughed out loud at that, you'd get it if you met him haha. He's the most straight talking guy you'll ever meet. But I do get why you might think that, and that's part of the reason I was so clear in saying I'm not fighting for it etc. My bf is the type who will get angry quickly, take time to think and ponder and come back having sorted it in his mind. I'm confident he has no further concerns about this. We talked about boundaries etc. he knows there's no chance of him losing me. Again you gotta bear in mind he was fine with it before, all meetings have involved my ex's partner after all, my bf encouraged it. It was just this trigger that messed with his head about having a happy relationship in general not just me being in touch with him. I've know my boyfriend for 13 years, we know when something is off with each other. As we've had such **** relationships in the past, we are really good with disagreements generally. I don't think we've ever had a full on argument. If one of us gets annoyed we leave the room and come back and discuss with a cool head, it's the healthiest relationship I've ever been in and it works because we respect each and hear each other. I've made it 100% clear what my priorities are and have said if contact with my ex makes him insecure then I'm happy to leave it behind. He said no, he said it honestly doesn't make him insecure, and he has friends with exes himself so he can relate to there being nothing between us. He said what made him insecure is the sudden reminder that people can betray you. His friend betrayed him so very badly. In all our years of friendship I was there for him fully and that hasn't changed. We haven't even mentioned it today, had an enjoyable night after the conversation (ahem)

[Trtroles]

you just have that spark that makes you get on. We were attracted to each other

What this looked like was the occasional long email catch ups a couple times a year, a drink if we were in the same city etc. Now slight blip - I met with him while seeing my ex boyfriend and at the end of the meeting he tried to kiss me.

 

Firstly there is no chance of me ever cheating and I'm so sure the same goes for my ex

But I would never cheat.

 

You are only talking about your EX and what he wants,needs... What about your boyfriend ? He told you how he feels about your "friendship" and you ignore him.

 

Your EX wants more then your "friendship" and you know it but you dont want to admit it.

 

You have poor boundaries in your relationship and saying "I will never cheat" is stupid,sorry.

 

Respect your boyfriend. He is the one you want to spend your life,right ?

[LilyViolet]

OK then; if your sure he won't sleep with you; there's no sexual attraction there at all (from him to you, not you to him, that doesn't matter in this equation), then maybe you can be friends.

 

Listen, are we insane/hardline here? Maybe. Many of us (myself included) have been cheated on. Had our GF/wives come here before the affair started asking about the "friend" they wanted to talk to talk to, they would have sounded EXACTLY like you. My wife almost certainly would have said "there's no attraction there", it would be "disgusting" to hook up with him because he was a mentor to her, a close "friend", a spiritual leader, and they'd known each other for the better part of a decade. Shoot, she and I both knew his wife/family.

 

And yet, she did hook up with him. Because he was attracted to her, and used their friendship to break down the walls. It happens here every day. It happens in the real world 1000's of times a day. Many of us here have either seen it, been a part of it, read the e-mails watching it happen (me, ugh), or actually been the guy doing it. We know it happens, and it happens exactly how your describing your situation here. Your situation is actually a bit more clear because there was romantic intention at one time, but, neither here nor there, this is how it always starts. It's rare for an A to be a ONS, it does happen, but it's rare, especially for WW's. It's almost always a "circle of friend" or "work circle" that facilitates the A.

 

The final recommendation I will give you is to read "Not Just Friends". It's a great book, and I often wish I'd found it before my W's A, it would have absolutely brought some of the issues with male/female friendships to the forefront for her.

 

I wish you the best, and I sincerely hope we're wrong and you're right.

 

You are wrong. You're making lots of assumptions and leaps. I'm sorry about your experience but she was clearly lying to you. If I wanted to rekindle things I've had 8 years to do it in. I'm devoted to my bf. It's not even like we speak regularly. There are lots of protective factors here. I speak to his partner who is also present when we meet. All communication has been platonic and totally transparent. The guy has cancer, we talk mainly about issues we're facing in dealing with daily obstacles our illness throws at us. I'm not some naive fool, I'm well aware of how these things can develop and the gradual crossing of boundaries, I have been cheated on also. I know myself and I know that if my boundaries were crossed that would be the end of the friendship. That goes for any and all of my friendships and I'd like to think the same goes for my bf, who also maintains friendships with exes.

[LilyViolet]

You are only talking about your EX and what he wants,needs... What about your boyfriend ? He told you how he feels about your "friendship" and you ignore him.

 

Your EX wants more then your "friendship" and you know it but you dont want to admit it.

 

You have poor boundaries in your relationship and saying "I will never cheat" is stupid,sorry.

 

Respect your boyfriend. He is the one you want to spend your life,right ?

 

Have you actually read the thread or just the front page? We talked, it's sorted. Also there was never any question of me not ending the friendship, so your whole respect him thing isn't really appropriate here. I don't think I could've shown him or our relationship any more respect in the circumstances. I appreciate the advice but the black and white stuff like satin you know my ex wants more is just silly and is not helpful at all. My ex told me he plans to propose to his partner, I am super happy for them. I contact her as well, she's fine with us being friends. We have been friends years platonically. We speak occasionally, mainly about issues with our illness, totally transparently and my bf encouraged this. When we meet his partner is there and my bf has always been invited too. He has cancer, his mind isn't on planning an affair. When my bf had a freak out about this I didn't fight for the friendship, I stopped contact immediately and told him this, however I wanted to talk about what he was feeling and his boundaries etc which at the time he was unable to do. We've since spoken and it's good between us.

 

Of course these things follow a pattern but not every story is identical. You can't tell me I don't know I won't cheat. I know all about how these things develop from a wealth of personal experience. I know that I will never cheat on anyone, it would hurt me more than anyone else and my anxiety would destroy me. I would never put myself in the situation where cheating was an option. any crossing of a boundary that disrespects my relationship I would terminate that contact. I can't even begin to tell you how certain I am of this, I know I'm not being arrogant. It took time to learn this, and I've been in situations where I've recognised unhealthy things starting to happen and removed them altogether.

[Trtroles]

Just because he wants to propose doesnt mean he will not cheat.

People who are married for 30+ years cheat.

People with 4-5 kids cheat.

Healthy or not they cheat. Mental illnes or not they cheat.

 

Just look at your words and see how you defend him is big Red Flag.

 

Your boyfriend agreed with you but he is scared because of his previous relationship. He needs IC.

 

Good luck to you. I have nothing more to say.

[LilyViolet]

Just because he wants to propose doesnt mean he will not cheat.

People who are married for 30+ years cheat.

People with 4-5 kids cheat.

Healthy or not they cheat. Mental illnes or not they cheat.

 

Just look at your words and see how you defend him is big Red Flag.

 

Your boyfriend agreed with you but he is scared because of his previous relationship. He needs IC.

 

Good luck to you. I have nothing more to say.

 

You're basing this on literally nothing. But I guess you know my bf better than me! I'm no way defending him because there's nothing to defend. It's weird even having to go into it to this level. It's really not something I think about a lot. Certainly a lot of bitter people on here. I can't really take on advice that is based on literally nothing. My bf doesn't want me to end the friendship, but your advice is to do it anyway? What kind of message does that send? I know my bf, I know when something is bothering him and he is not bothered by this. You consistently ignore the factors I've pointed out and the fact my bf is friends with his exes. I'm considering tell him about this thread so he can put the judges in place. I've been more than happy to listen to thoughts disagreeing with me. But people leaping in thrilling me they know how my bf feels is so silly. It's insulting. Name me ONE thing that I have done that is disrespectful. By your logic I should be on guard for literally every friendship I have, even if they are clearly committed to my partner and make an effort to include my own partner. You have nothing more to say because everything you're saying is based on assumption. I'm not defending my ex, I'm defending myself and my relationship from this absolute nonsense.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lily, I have read your OP and the responses of a number of folks on here and your replies to them. I have noted some of the facts that have emerged from a perusal of your thread and I am listing them as under.

 

a) You came to this forum with a query as to whether you were crossing a line in contacting your ex boyfriend specifically because your current boyfriend expressed his unhappiness with your doing so. In coming to this website, you specifically chose the infidelity sub forum to lay out your dilemma. You could have posted in the General Relationship forum which would have been more appropriate. This does shed some light on your mind set.

b) You stated that you had stopped contact with this ex boyfriend when he tried to kiss you while you were seeing another guy ( not your current partner) and you found that incident inappropriate. This incident occurred about two years ago.

c) You recently found out that this ex boyfriend was suffering from cancer and you felt guilty about not having been there to offer moral support. You re established contact with him and since you, too, had suffered episodes of a debilitating disorder the two of you compared notes and offered each other support. Your current boyfriend was on board with this and even encouraged you to offer support. Your boyfriend has been aware of your relationship with your ex because you have been in the same friends circle much before the two of you became an item. I am not a hundred per cent certain but I think you mentioned that the two of you had even met and hung out with your ex and his partner. Correct me if I am wrong.

d) You and your boyfriend ran into a former friend of his with whom his ex had cheated. This triggered your boyfriend rather strongly and as a result he asked you to cut contact with your ex. Although you were not really sure as to why your boyfriend asked you to do so you put two and two together and suspected this to be the reason. However, although you complied with your boyfriend's request you seemed to resent it as you were sure that your friendship with this guy was platonic and your boyfriend was welcome to check your communication with this ex anytime he wanted.

e) You have stated repeatedly that you would never cheat on your boyfriend. Yet at the same time you have stated at least twice that you have cheated on some ex in the past as also been cheated on. If you could cheat once there is never saying that you won't in the future if certain conditions are met.

f) In your OP you made a request that the folks on here should be brutally honest with you in expressing their opinions and not hold back, but every time someone tried to do so you shot them down by almost ridiculing them for having said something. You come across as pretty smug and full of yourself so one wonders why you even bothered to post here at all. You already had your answers and were quite deaf to what others were trying to tell you.

 

Since you seem to have it all figured out you do not need the opinions of others. You are sufficient unto yourself. All in all I think it was much ado about nothing much in particular. Warm wishes.

Edited June 20, 2017 by Just a Guy