My new wife says she is "distraught" that I put her on notice for her drama behavior

[sheismadagain]

My new wife and I are going through a tough time and I would appreciate some insight.

 

She lost her dad 4 years ago — before we met. She rarely talks about him, but when she does it’s a big sob mess. She starts crying and seems troubled.

 

Yesterday, was a prime example. We had my mom, dad, sister and 2 of my kids come to our house. They are hispanic and she’s white and doesn’t speak Spanish. So, there’s often a bit of a language barrier.

 

My Mom insisted on bringing all the food and my wife is not a fan of her cooking. It’s very spicy and she has an allergy.

She did ask me to go to dinner with her after everyone left in the evening — so she could eat her favorite food and I said yes no problem.

 

So my wife went ahead and went to the store and got drinks etc and she was a good host. She served everyone and was very kind — despite the fact she seemed quiet. I asked her several times if she was okay and she said she was.

 

After everyone left she asked if we could go eat around 6. But I was stuffed and I told her no. I was stuffed. That she needed to wait until later — if at all. I wasn’t hungry anymore.

 

I did volunteer to go sit w her at the place we discussed but i told her it would need to be later. I wanted to go to the store and get a new phone case and run some errands first.

 

She said ok — and went with me — but she was very very quiet. I kept asking what was wrong. She said that she was fine. But, I didn’t buy it. I kept asking. She finally said that she was sad that she didn’t have her dad and that it was hard for her to be around my family all day.

 

She also said she didn’t feel included because she wasn’t invited to be in the pictures we were taking. SHE was taking the pictures! WTF? How can she be in the photos if she didn’t ask to be!

 

I told her that I was sick of her making everything this big sad story and that she always has to dwell on something wrong. She started to cry and that made things far worse. I got angry and I told her that I was sick of this constant drama.

 

 

She said she never did anything wrong and never even mentioned her sadness and blamed ME for pushing her. I told her I just wanted her to be happy or at least act it. She said that she was a great host and that I was very selfish for talking like this when she is still grieving her father.

 

Then she said that she was mad that I didn’t include her in the post on social media and that she included me and thanked me on Mother’s day for my gifts. I told her she was wrong and then she had to pull up the post to prove me wrong. She did post a pic with her son and me — and said she was so grateful for me. But her mom is DEAD. There was no mother to post about. My dad is alive and this isn’t about her! She said she just wanted to be included and that she wants to be seen as part of the family too.

 

I am really tired of this constant problem. She always finds fault with everything and she doesn’t seem to ever just be happy consistently.

 

She said she is but that father’s day and family days are tough because it’s all about my family and it’s a reminder she doesn’t have one anymore.

 

I told her she needs to be grateful we include her and treat her as part of the family and move on with this.

 

The night ended with me telling her that I’m putting her on notice about this behavior. I won’t tolerate it anymore and I did get angry and tell her she had just ruined my father’s day.

 

She poured and extra glass of wine (which makes her worse) and went to bed and didn’t touch me all night. When I woke up this morning I told her that she didn’t even hold onto me all night and that I loved her and couldn’t understand why she was acting so cold.

 

She said that she needs time to recover from what I told her. So it’s ANOTHER day of problems. Now she’s blaming me for saying this stuff but if she would just act happy and be grateful — none of this would happen!

 

What advice would you give me?

[somanymistakes]

I told her that I was sick of her making everything this big sad story and that she always has to dwell on something wrong. She started to cry and that made things far worse. I got angry and I told her that I was sick of this constant drama.

 

From the way you tell the story, YOU sound like the jerk here, sorry. She had a very stressful day feeling left out and emotionally fragile, surrounded by food she can't eat and conversations she can't understand and family situations that remind her of her loss, and when she tries to tell you this, you yell at her. She gets more upset, and you yell at her MORE.

 

Seriously, what else did you expect to happen? Poor girl.

 

She said she is but that father’s day and family days are tough because it’s all about my family and it’s a reminder she doesn’t have one anymore.

 

I told her she needs to be grateful we include her and treat her as part of the family and move on with this.

 

"You should be grateful we treat you with basic decency! We could be MUCH worse to you."

 

Wow. Again, you sound like a jerk here.

 

Maybe it's just the way you're telling the story.

 

The night ended with me telling her that I’m putting her on notice about this behavior. I won’t tolerate it anymore and I did get angry and tell her she had just ruined my father’s day.

 

She poured and extra glass of wine (which makes her worse) and went to bed and didn’t touch me all night. When I woke up this morning I told her that she didn’t even hold onto me all night and that I loved her and couldn’t understand why she was acting so cold.

 

I would probably have poured the wine on your head.

 

She said that she needs time to recover from what I told her. So it’s ANOTHER day of problems. Now she’s blaming me for saying this stuff but if she would just act happy and be grateful — none of this would happen!

 

What advice would you give me?

 

STOP BEING A JERK.

 

Stop expecting her to worship you all the time. Stop expecting her to be "grateful" that you're not even worse. Stop telling her that she isn't allowed to have feelings.

 

When she's upset, if you can't deal with it, GIVE HER SPACE.

 

For heaven's sake don't yell at her and threaten her when she's already upset.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I'm not sure where to begin. I'll be honest, you sound very callous and insensitive. Your wife also sounds like she is having trouble processing grief and could benefit from therapy. Has your wife done any individual counseling since losing her parents? Have you ever attended couples' counseling together? Sounds like it's in order.

[kiss_andmakeup]

From the way you tell the story, YOU sound like the jerk here, sorry. She had a very stressful day feeling left out and emotionally fragile, surrounded by food she can't eat and conversations she can't understand and family situations that remind her of her loss, and when she tries to tell you this, you yell at her. She gets more upset, and you yell at her MORE.

 

Seriously, what else did you expect to happen? Poor girl.

 

 

 

"You should be grateful we treat you with basic decency! We could be MUCH worse to you."

 

Wow. Again, you sound like a jerk here.

 

Maybe it's just the way you're telling the story.

 

 

 

I would probably have poured the wine on your head.

 

 

 

STOP BEING A JERK.

 

Stop expecting her to worship you all the time. Stop expecting her to be "grateful" that you're not even worse. Stop telling her that she isn't allowed to have feelings.

 

When she's upset, if you can't deal with it, GIVE HER SPACE.

 

For heaven's sake don't yell at her and threaten her when she's already upset.

 

I'm glad I'm not the only one who got this impression. I was wondering if it's just the OP's writing style or if he's actually than blunt and cold to her in person. If he is, there is no question that he is in the wrong here.

[sheismadagain]

She has gone to therapy and she very rarely talks about her Dad. And she didn't break down and cry yesterday at all. She just amde it a point in the morning to tell me she missed him. But I changed the subject and simply saying "sorry".

 

I knew this would go into the wrong road of her being upset if I said anymore.

 

I personally think she is just jealous of my fmaily and the fact that they pour so much attention on me. I told her that -- and she said I was wrong, but I think that's it.

 

Whenever I'm the focus of attention -- it turns into some quiet behavior from her and then when I try to probe to figure out the problem -- it turns into a huge fight but then she says I caused it...

[Millhouse]

Oh man. I read this and formed an opinion.

 

The others basically said it for me. You screwed up and acted like an idiot.

 

There are two failings here... you're inability to recognize her feelings and give her the attention she needed. And her inability to communicate it properly.

 

Talk to her and stop being a jerk*

 

 

* as a Brit, I don't really have this word in my vocabulary but it seems appropriate... our equivalents seem much more offensive. :laugh:

[kiss_andmakeup]

She has gone to therapy and she very rarely talks about her Dad. And she didn't break down and cry yesterday at all. She just amde it a point in the morning to tell me she missed him. But I changed the subject and simply saying "sorry".

 

I knew this would go into the wrong road of her being upset if I said anymore.

 

I personally think she is just jealous of my fmaily and the fact that they pour so much attention on me. I told her that -- and she said I was wrong, but I think that's it.

 

Whenever I'm the focus of attention -- it turns into some quiet behavior from her and then when I try to probe to figure out the problem -- it turns into a huge fight but then she says I caused it...

 

You have a very unusual way of looking at this situation. You sound like a teenager describing a foe, not a husband describing his wife.

 

You say she is "jealous" of your family. Maybe she is! She is clearly hurting, and it's likely that seeing you with your parents reminds her of the moments she will no longer get to share with hers. That shouldn't make you angry; it should make you feel sad for her. Can't you offer her some understanding, some compassion? When she says she misses her dad, why must you change the subject? Why not say "I can't imagine losing my dad. Do you want to talk about it? What can I do to make this easier for you?"

 

You just come across as nasty. She's your wife. Have a heart.

[knabe]

Yeah,m I'll make it unanimous. You're kind of a self-absorbed jerk. It's time to grow up.

[BettyDraper]

I feel sorry for your wife. She's married to someone who doesn't care about her grief and feeling like she doesn't have family. Your wife is not "lucky" that you and your family of origin treat her well. Unless you all generally treat people poorly, it's just basic decency to include new family members in activities. You didn't have to make your wife wait to eat either; she was probably famished and you could have run your errands later. You do realize that marriage is about TWO people and not just YOUR needs right?

 

Apologize to your wife. Hold her while she cries. Become more sensitive to her feelings. Ask your mother to cook less spicy versions of dishes for your wife. Translate conversations for your wife during family gatherings so that she feels less left out. If you can't do these things, I hope your wife comes to realize that she should be with someone more caring.

[understand50]

Yeah,m I'll make it unanimous. You're kind of a self-absorbed jerk. It's time to grow up.

 

Ditto, it is not all about you. She is grieving, and that can take some time. Why don't you try, to see it from her point of view? What is it about yourself that you cannot see her pain? Looks like she was fine around everyone, but when alone, and only with you, you shut her down. Frankly, you put yourself on notice, she will end up leaving you.

 

I wish you luck, and hope you grow up.

[sheismadagain]

Well, the point is we were in OUR house and she could have eaten something out of the pantry. Just because my mom brought our fav foods doesnt mean she had to STARVE. that was her choice to eat nothing... if she was so hungry, she could have eaten SOME of the food. there was no reason for her to make this such an issue.

Also they do speak some english. It's not like no one could speak english - it's just spanish is our native language. But, yes, I did translate some things that wre said in spanish.

I think it's more of her trying be a victim by avoiding eating basic veggies that were there and whatever was in the pantry --

and she could have asked to be in the photos if she wanted to be. I told her that she normally hates pictures and she had to rub my nose in the fact that she had me in her mother's day photos on social media.

I just think you are bashing me unfairly here... she had choices to and it wasn't this HORRIBLE day that you paint. They did speak english often and there was other food.

[RecentChange]

I feel very sorry for your wife.

 

You are acting selfish, and straight mean.

 

You don't want her to be happy, you want her to "act happy"....got it.

 

My husband lost his father 9 years ago. Father's day is still hard for him, and his siblings.

 

You might want to look up this thing called empathy. You appear to have none.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Well, the point is we were in OUR house and she could have eaten something out of the pantry. Just because my mom brought our fav foods doesnt mean she had to STARVE. that was her choice to eat nothing... if she was so hungry, she could have eaten SOME of the food. there was no reason for her to make this such an issue.

Also they do speak some english. It's not like no one could speak english - it's just spanish is our native language. But, yes, I did translate some things that wre said in spanish.

I think it's more of her trying be a victim by avoiding eating basic veggies that were there and whatever was in the pantry --

and she could have asked to be in the photos if she wanted to be. I told her that she normally hates pictures and she had to rub my nose in the fact that she had me in her mother's day photos on social media.

I just think you are bashing me unfairly here... she had choices to and it wasn't this HORRIBLE day that you paint. They did speak english often and there was other food.

 

Ok. Food and language aside. What about the points everyone has made about her very real emotional grief? Do you just not care? Do you even like this woman? Nobody "painted" a "horrible day." But most of us realize how real the grief of losing a parent (let alone both) can be.

 

I'm not sure if you are very emotionally immature or just not emotionally invested. Your wife needs your support but you don't really seem to care. If her feelings bother you so much, you should cut her loose so she can meet someone who is more emotionally available to her.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Well, the point is we were in OUR house and she could have eaten something out of the pantry. Just because my mom brought our fav foods doesnt mean she had to STARVE. that was her choice to eat nothing... if she was so hungry, she could have eaten SOME of the food. there was no reason for her to make this such an issue.

Also they do speak some english. It's not like no one could speak english - it's just spanish is our native language. But, yes, I did translate some things that wre said in spanish.

I think it's more of her trying be a victim by avoiding eating basic veggies that were there and whatever was in the pantry --

and she could have asked to be in the photos if she wanted to be. I told her that she normally hates pictures and she had to rub my nose in the fact that she had me in her mother's day photos on social media.

I just think you are bashing me unfairly here... she had choices to and it wasn't this HORRIBLE day that you paint. They did speak english often and there was other food.

 

You told her you'd take her out to dinner and then you didn't because YOU didn't want to.

 

I lost my dad 10 years ago and Father's Day can be very hard because you never start missing your daddy.

 

You sound like a very insensitive man, sorry. I'm 100% on your wife's side with this one.

[Mrs. John Adams]

From the way you tell the story, YOU sound like the jerk here, sorry. She had a very stressful day feeling left out and emotionally fragile, surrounded by food she can't eat and conversations she can't understand and family situations that remind her of her loss, and when she tries to tell you this, you yell at her. She gets more upset, and you yell at her MORE.

 

Seriously, what else did you expect to happen? Poor girl.

 

 

 

"You should be grateful we treat you with basic decency! We could be MUCH worse to you."

 

Wow. Again, you sound like a jerk here.

 

Maybe it's just the way you're telling the story.

 

 

 

I would probably have poured the wine on your head.

 

 

 

STOP BEING A JERK.

 

Stop expecting her to worship you all the time. Stop expecting her to be "grateful" that you're not even worse. Stop telling her that she isn't allowed to have feelings.

 

When she's upset, if you can't deal with it, GIVE HER SPACE.

 

For heaven's sake don't yell at her and threaten her when she's already upset.

 

^^^^^^^^perfect...every word of it.

[hippychick3]

OP, I think your wife needs to put YOU on notice.

 

What is wrong with you? Do you lack an empathy/compassion gene?

 

You need counseling as much as she does but for different reasons. You need counseling to figure out why you're such an insensitive jerk to the woman you're supposed to love and cherish.

 

You are 100% wrong here.

[JuneL]

If I may ask: Is there any family culture norm that we should be aware of? Are wives in your family always get treated like they are second-class citizens? I personally like cooking and I'm a woman. But I see that your mother was cooking all the food for the big feast and your wife picked up all the drinks. I can't imagine no one in the big party even offered to hold the camera to take a second family picture with your wife in it.

[sheismadagain]

My wife doesn't cook much and she doesn't enjy it.

 

It is interesting to see the feedbackI'm getting here. I just don't undersatnd all of this -- doesn't it seem odd that my wife (if she was so hungry) couldn't have gotten herself her own food at the grocery story when she got drinks?

 

She said the problem was my mother because she asked my mom if she could make reservations at a nice restaurant and my mom siad no that she was bringing HER food. But the reason is she cooks for my father and she wanted him to have her favorites on HIS father day and mine. Not sure why that's so bad.

[Millhouse]

Also they do speak some english. It's not like no one could speak english - it's just spanish is our native language. But, yes, I did translate some things that wre said in spanish.

 

There is a rule in my house.

 

If I'm there, the working language for all conversation must be in English. If it drifts to Swhali I tell them, and ask them to change back to English.

 

One time they did not change after I told them. I ignored them, used the computer for a bit and then left the party - they sensed I was pissed off and all left soon after. That mistake cost them several hours of free drinking from my cupboards. They have never made the same mistake again.

 

Don't exclude me in my own home is the rule - your wife would do well to follow the same rule.

 

Like it or not, you made her feel like a guest (at best) in her own home bro. That's very bad. Blaming her and laying down tough rules to try and make yourself feel better made it worse.

[Zahara]

There's a lack of empathy and understanding on your part and I can absolutely understand why she seems so fragile and sensitive.

 

It was 6PM. Dinner time and you couldn't take her to her favorite restaurant so that she could have a proper meal? Instead you were more interested in going to the store to get a phone case?

 

I mean, you couldn't even say to her, "Honey, give me the camera. I want you in the picture with my family." Instead your thinking is that she needs to ask -- I guess she just has to shut up and be grateful she is part of your family.

 

You should be put on notice for your arrogant and selfish behavior.

[kiss_andmakeup]

My wife doesn't cook much and she doesn't enjy it.

 

It is interesting to see the feedbackI'm getting here. I just don't undersatnd all of this -- doesn't it seem odd that my wife (if she was so hungry) couldn't have gotten herself her own food at the grocery story when she got drinks?

 

She said the problem was my mother because she asked my mom if she could make reservations at a nice restaurant and my mom siad no that she was bringing HER food. But the reason is she cooks for my father and she wanted him to have her favorites on HIS father day and mine. Not sure why that's so bad.

 

FORGET THE FOOD. Have you even read any of the other responses? Do you have any insight to offer into why you can't offer emotional support to your wife?

[sheismadagain]

I did read the comments

 

I feel like it's a bit a stretch to say it's THIS bad. she wasn't staring at walls -- my mom and daughter talked to her while she was helping warm the food --- in ENGLISH.

 

She just kept saying "i was so nice to everyone!"

 

My question -- isn't that normal? WHen family comes into your house don't you just act normal and play a good host and not need a medal for it?

 

And not act all silent and weird when asked what's wrong... I don't understand why you can't see that this isn't just me - my family noticed she was kind of quiet too.

 

And that set my wife off. I told her "people notice when you are acting like this and it's not something easy for me to defend to them".

 

SHE made herself feel unwelcome. I told her to stop focusing on the negative and the problems. My son wasn't there with us because he was going off to college with his mother. Did I get quiet and weird all day beause I was sad he wasn't there? NO!

 

It's called mental strength..not acting like a victim

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My wife doesn't cook much and she doesn't enjy it.

 

It is interesting to see the feedbackI'm getting here. I just don't undersatnd all of this -- doesn't it seem odd that my wife (if she was so hungry) couldn't have gotten herself her own food at the grocery story when she got drinks?

She said the problem was my mother because she asked my mom if she could make reservations at a nice restaurant and my mom siad no that she was bringing HER food. But the reason is she cooks for my father and she wanted him to have her favorites on HIS father day and mine. Not sure why that's so bad.

 

Sure she could have, but you told her you were taking her out.

 

(I do understand your mom saying no to the restaurant and that she wanted to make a father's day meal for your dad and for you, but so far that's the only thing I understand).

[kiss_andmakeup]

I did read the comments

 

I feel like it's a bit a stretch to say it's THIS bad. she wasn't staring at walls -- my mom and daughter talked to her while she was helping warm the food --- in ENGLISH.

 

She just kept saying "i was so nice to everyone!"

 

My question -- isn't that normal? WHen family comes into your house don't you just act normal and play a good host and not need a medal for it?

 

And not act all silent and weird when asked what's wrong... I don't understand why you can't see that this isn't just me - my family noticed she was kind of quiet too.

 

And that set my wife off. I told her "people notice when you are acting like this and it's not something easy for me to defend to them".

 

SHE made herself feel unwelcome. I told her to stop focusing on the negative and the problems. My son wasn't there with us because he was going off to college with his mother. Did I get quiet and weird all day beause I was sad he wasn't there? NO!

 

It's called mental strength..not acting like a victim

 

I give up. I feel sorry for your wife. Best of luck.

[Zahara]

So my wife went ahead and went to the store and got drinks etc and she was a good host. She served everyone and was very kind — despite the fact she seemed quiet. I asked her several times if she was okay and she said she was.

 

She was quiet because she was likely feeling left out. She was likely missing her own family. Missing the bond she had with her father. Wishing she could have get-togethers with him. Probably feeling melancholy.

 

But you said she was still a good host and she was kind to your family. What more? It seems she has to behave the way you want her to behave but the moment she has wants and needs, she needs to be put on notice. She has to wait. She has to ask.

 

You have zero empathy. You can't clue in or zero in into someone's feelings because you're selfish and arrogant. That's why nothing anyone is saying is registering in your brain.

 

You couldn't even take her out for a meal. You couldn't even ask her to be in the pictures. Mental strength? I'm sure this wasn't a one off experience and likely has to deal with you day in and day out. She needs all kinds of strength to deal with that kind of selfishness.