How do you make relationships work?

[GOB]

I'm 24 years old this year, my longest relationship has been around the year mark. I go out a lot, I've a good job, work hard, treat people well, I have a large social circle, I love doing stuff, weekends away, holidays, days out, concerts, festivals, meals out, I'm intelligent, I can have good conversation, I'm confident and I'm half decent looking.

 

I do suffer with the occasional bout of anxiety, but nothing too bad, I don't have many hobbies, but I don't know many people who do really, I like playing football, watching my local team and just being outside but nothing I'm really dedicated to.

 

I meet lots of people and occasionally use online dating but nothing sticks, most people I don't want to see again even if they want to see me, if I go out I never really find myself chatting to people I want to see again when I do click with someone it will last as I say, max of a year and then the relationship just runs its course, I'm completely dedicated to the relationship and I will do my absolute best to listen, be there for and have fun with them.

 

I know soooo many people who are in a loving relationships who do NOTHING, the seem to have no chemistry, no banter, don't do anything together but are still together.

 

Ive always had very good relationships and then with no real good reason, they end. I'm not clingy, I like being around my girlfriends but I have plenty of other stuff to do.

 

Two girls have left me for an ex, one it was never going to work with, one it was good with but I wasn't ready mentally, one said we are too different, she had broken up with me, got back with me and all was great, talking of moving in and then bang, we are too different. I've dumped girls but never after I've gotten serious with them.

 

So my question, how do you know when it's right? When to pursue or when to call it quits? Should I go out with these girls I don't really feel it with and see what happens?

[salparadise]

Good question. I'd say everyone on this forum is waiting for the short answer to this. I'm a lot older than you and I wonder the exact same thing.

 

I think it's some combination of being the right person, finding the right person, and both being dedicated to maintaining integrity, trust, respect and communication. It's not about being perfect, it's about rolling with the ups and downs, dedication. How you find it... please let us know when you figure it out.

[GOB]

Good question. I'd say everyone on this forum is waiting for the short answer to this. I'm a lot older than you and I wonder the exact same thing.

 

I think it's some combination of being the right person, finding the right person, and both being dedicated to maintaining integrity, trust, respect and communication. It's not about being perfect, it's about rolling with the ups and downs, dedication. How you find it... please let us know when you figure it out.

 

It's funny to me that even age doesn't seem to matter, some people find someone at 16 and that's it, for life, others never find someone, others divorce and some serial date.

 

It seems to me that the people who you describe are snapped up at such a young age and put in the work and dedication it takes to make it last. Others are so emotionally damaged they can't make it work with anyone. It terrifies me that I may be alone for the rest of my life. Ive dated them all, I've dated so many different types of people, the most recent had an 8 year relationship, I thought she would be able to adapt to life in a relationship, she couldnt, she couldn't communicate, she pushed me away when stressed and was fiercely independent and have almost no consideration for me. She was with a fella who had severe depression, they done nothing and everyone told me in the end it was a poor relationship, he left her. Now she has left me, I'm quite the opposite, low maintenance, still she didn't want it after a year.

 

I think the good ones are snapped up quickly, and I'm not quick enough!

Edited June 19, 2017 by GOB

[salparadise]

I think the good ones are snapped up quickly, and I'm not quick enough!

 

Perhaps there's a grain of truth in that, but I don't think it's actually that simple. I do suspect that many older, singles either have an inherent inability to sustain relationships or have developed defenses that preclude the ability to tolerate vulnerability... which of course is necessary to be open to love. I wonder if there's a window of opportunity for connecting with total dedication that closes after a certain age. I also realize that the more knowledge and awareness we acquire the narrower the pool of prospective mates becomes. I can eliminate nine out of ten in the first two minutes, but then I think they're being unreasonably picky when the one I didn't eliminate eliminates me.

 

A theory caledl the double coincidence of wants applies to mate selection. It's what makes barter so much less efficient than currency... Joe has a hammer and wants to trade for a pie; Julie has a pie but she wants to trade for a book; Jim has a book but he wants to trade for a hammer. No deal.

 

Even though everyone is looking to trade and has something someone wants, a deal can only happen if two people have (or are) exactly what each other want.

[GOB]

Perhaps there's a grain of truth in that, but I don't think it's actually that simple. I do suspect that many older, singles either have an inherent inability to sustain relationships or have developed defenses that preclude the ability to tolerate vulnerability... which of course is necessary to be open to love. I wonder if there's a window of opportunity for connecting with total dedication that closes after a certain age. I also realize that the more knowledge and awareness we acquire the narrower the pool of prospective mates becomes. I can eliminate nine out of ten in the first two minutes, but then I think they're being unreasonably picky when the one I didn't eliminate eliminates me.

 

A theory caledl the double coincidence of wants applies to mate selection. It's what makes barter so much less efficient than currency... Joe has a hammer and wants to trade for a pie; Julie has a pie but she wants to trade for a book; Jim has a book but he wants to trade for a hammer. No deal.

 

Even though everyone is looking to trade and has something someone wants, a deal can only happen if two people have (or are) exactly what each other want.

 

I agree with the knowing after two minutes, I can tell in less that than whether I want to see someone again or not, maybe that's not a good thing.

 

But I disagree with the having to have exactly what each other want, I've found with everyone I've been out with they have had stuff about them that annoyed me or that I didn't like, not deal breaking stuff or stuff that turned me on.

 

I'm very much a traditional person in a sense, once I've built a connection with someone or already established love, I don't lose that, unless fundamental issues arise in the relationship, cheating, arguements over nothing, something along those lines.

 

I've never had that, and I've never fallen out of love or lost that connection with someone from my half, everyone has with me... why?

[salparadise]

I'm very much a traditional person in a sense, once I've built a connection with someone or already established love, I don't lose that, unless fundamental issues arise in the relationship, cheating, arguements over nothing, something along those lines.

 

I've never had that, and I've never fallen out of love or lost that connection with someone from my half, everyone has with me... why?

 

Why are prostitutes female and the clients male? Why must men pay to date, buy flowers and diamonds, and woo and pursue? Why is it considered acceptable for millions upon millions of young male lives to have been sacrificed in wars while a young female casualty is a tragedy? Why does the FLDS have a "lost boy" problem? Why are more than two-thirds of divorces initiated by women? Why do single homeless men outnumber the female counterparts by 2:1? Why is the male suicide rate 3.5 greater? Why are displaced male workers significantly more difficult to reemploy?

 

Are you starting to see a pattern?

[GOB]

I see the pattern and when you look at it like that... it's crazy.

 

But what is the pattern? What does the pattern mean?

 

I over analyse, I always try to work on myself, I really want to get my head around the logic of women these days, the ones who are never happy. And easily switch off. Not saying that some men aren't the same but I've never had issues with men.

[GoodOnPaper]

I'm very much a traditional person in a sense, once I've built a connection with someone or already established love, I don't lose that, unless fundamental issues arise in the relationship, cheating, arguements over nothing, something along those lines.

 

I've never had that, and I've never fallen out of love or lost that connection with someone from my half, everyone has with me... why?

 

Being a relationship-minded young man is very much an uphill battle - I can relate. Girls in their teens and early 20s are in the kid-in-a-candy-store phase of their dating lives. Having so many options is just too irresistible. A couple of things to think about . . .

 

When you start dating someone, do you quickly jump into "relationship mode" because it feels more comfortable than light and casual? That can translate as pressure to many girls your age.

 

Do you find that you tend to be the partner who is more attracted/invested when you start dating someone? That alone will greatly shift the odds toward her being the one to break up with you.

 

My motivation for this behavior was that I was terrible at attracting women and I wanted to spend the absolute minimum possible time in the initial meeting/attraction phase, but I sense that you are much more grounded than I was and that this probably isn't an issue. That being the case, have you tried dating older women who would likely be more relationship-minded?

[salparadise]

I see the pattern and when you look at it like that... it's crazy. But what is the pattern? What does the pattern mean?

 

 

Do you really need it to be spelled out? In certain contexts, individuals with disparate x and y chromosome arrangements are not valued equally. The xx specimens have more power due to practical, biological differences that result in them being in greater demand and therefore being in control.

 

You are a buyer in a seller's market, and seller's are only interested in sealing a deal when they're pretty damn sure it's the best deal that's likely to be offered now or in the future.

[GOB]

Being a relationship-minded young man is very much an uphill battle - I can relate. Girls in their teens and early 20s are in the kid-in-a-candy-store phase of their dating lives. Having so many options is just too irresistible. A couple of things to think about . . .

 

When you start dating someone, do you quickly jump into "relationship mode" because it feels more comfortable than light and casual? That can translate as pressure to many girls your age.

 

Do you find that you tend to be the partner who is more attracted/invested when you start dating someone? That alone will greatly shift the odds toward her being the one to break up with you.

 

My motivation for this behavior was that I was terrible at attracting women and I wanted to spend the absolute minimum possible time in the initial meeting/attraction phase, but I sense that you are much more grounded than I was and that this probably isn't an issue. That being the case, have you tried dating older women who would likely be more relationship-minded?

 

I definitely establish fairly early on in relationships how I see it going, whether I want just a casual relationship, I don't but I've done it, and if they only want a casual thing then I can take it from there but I don't force the issue.

 

I've dated 18 year olds, big mistake, girls in there early 20's, and the most recent was 28, I wouldn't say I'm great at attracting women, I tend to let it happen and if I click with someone, great but I don't force it.

 

20 year olds will enjoy it for a bit and then realise they want the single life and not hesitate to end it to see what's out there.

 

The older one, I thought she would have her head screwed on a bit more but even after speaking to her friends and family they said they don't know what she wants, she doesn't like sleeping around, meet me and we click, don't really argue, have loads of plans but just is so independent, she would push me away and then moan I wasn't there, be in a mood and when I touched her tell me to get off but complain that I didn't touch her, say she just wants a night chilling but moan we don't do anything, she couldn't handle stress. Maybe it wasn't meant to be but we always had fun, even at the break up we were having banter and laughing.

 

i see what you're saying, we live in a disposable world don't we. Everyone's looking for their Disney movie.