Girlfriend says she dosent want to be in a long distance relationship anymore :(

[NightNight31]

Hey I'm new to this community really just seeking some advice in a rough time. So my girlfriend well former girlfriend recently just told me that she dosent think she can be in a long distance relationship with me anymore. I asked her why she felt like this and she went on to say that the whole distance thing has gotten to much for her. (Mind you we both live in the states i live in Minnesota and she lives in Nevada). We were dating for a few months now and kept in touch by calling each other daily as well as texting daily and periodically sending video messages. She says she still has feelings for me and everything and she says that she still wants to talk everyday as well as text everyday but she doesnt want to be in a long distance relationship. Another thing she brought was that she doesn't want to leave her home state and she doesn't want to make me leave my home state. I get her reason for wanting to not do long distance anymore becasue the distance can get to some people. The thing is I still have feelings for her and she says she still does have feeling for me. I just dont understand why all of a sudden she would want to end our relationship. I would say that we never really talked about our future together i felt like it was a little too soon to bring it up you know? But anyway we still talk and text like we use to but were not official anymore. I really like the girl to but i haven't told her how i really feel about this separation. I've been trying to get over it but those still come up. Shes the first girl i really liked and had a meaningful lasting relationship with and being friends is fine but there is still that part of me that wants to be a couple again. I really dont know if i should just move on or try to make things work with her. I know this first post is alot but i could really use yall's input

-thanks

[Gr8fuln2020]

You two are digital buddies. Not a couple. Please. You have never met one another. She is doing the smart thing. Your feelings are not real...only digital and idealistic.

 

I don't understand why people think never having met is equivalent to an actual 'relationship.' It is not.

 

You should find someone that you can actually speak to in person and touch. That is the beginning of a real, healthy relationship.

[Mumbles]

So nothing has changed except the words ... you're no longer a couple?

 

I'd say you're in love with being in love then ... and as you're still in love with her, or so you say, then you're feeling separation anxiety.

 

The thing is, relationships have to be moving forward to survive. If not, they inevitably wither and die ... or revert back to a friendly attachment.

 

With significant distance between you I'm guessing that meetups were rare?

 

How can you build a meaningful shared history without actually being in the same space?

 

Real, meaningful human relationships are built upon shared history and physical presence.

[NightNight31]

I see what your saying but there are many people whose relationship has started online. The thing is thye did the same thing we were doing (video talks phone calls texting) for a longer period of time than us. THen they met in person and made it into a routine such as visiting each other once every month or every two months to keep that physical connection. That was suppose to be our plan but i couldnt get around to talk to her about this. Now i dont know if i should bring it up or move on. Were suppose to talk on the phone later today once she gets off work like we normally do.

[NightNight31]

So nothing has changed except the words ... you're no longer a couple?

 

I'd say you're in love with being in love then ... and as you're still in love with her, or so you say, then you're feeling separation anxiety.

 

The thing is, relationships have to be moving forward to survive. If not, they inevitably wither and die ... or revert back to a friendly attachment.

 

With significant distance between you I'm guessing that meetups were rare?

 

How can you build a meaningful shared history without actually being in the same space?

 

Real, meaningful human relationships are built upon shared history and physical presence.

 

I see what your saying but there are many people whose relationship has started online. The thing is thye did the same thing we were doing (video talks phone calls texting) for a longer period of time than us. THen they met in person and made it into a routine such as visiting each other once every month or every two months to keep that physical connection. That was suppose to be our plan but i couldnt get around to talk to her about this. Now i dont know if i should bring it up or move on. Were suppose to talk on the phone later today once she gets off work like we normally do.

[Gr8fuln2020]

NightNight. You can't blame her. MOST people are not going to enter into a long distance relationship and fewer will tolerate it for months w/o ever meeting. Reasonable come to the realisation that a LDR is not desirable and too inconvenient. She came to that realization sooner than later. The talk to visit and the visitations should have happened earlier. Going to her now to talk about meeting may bear some fruit, but don't be surprised if it's over and that she has another, local interest she'd like to pursue.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

How old are you two?

 

I'm 44 now, but when I was a senior in high school I had a really great relationship with a boy, but we decided to go our separate ways when I went off to college (he was younger) because we knew LDRs were just too hard. Same thing happened after my senior year of college with that boyfriend. Funny thing is, I'm still friends (on FB) with both of these guys and actually consider them both to be the two best relationships of my life, partly because of how we maturely decided to end it because even though we deeply cared, it just wasn't going to work. (Disclaimer: they are both happily married with families now and there is nothing at all inappropriate going on )

 

Depending on your age....ESPECIALLY depending on your age....LDRs are just super hard to sustain. It sucks, but it is just how it is, and maybe, just maybe, you can chalk it up to just a great learning experience/part of your life.

[NightNight31]

NightNight. You can't blame her. MOST people are not going to enter into a long distance relationship and fewer will tolerate it for months w/o ever meeting. Reasonable come to the realisation that a LDR is not desirable and too inconvenient. She came to that realization sooner than later. The talk to visit and the visitations should have happened earlier. Going to her now to talk about meeting may bear some fruit, but don't be surprised if it's over and that she has another, local interest she'd like to pursue.

 

I was actually suppose to fly over on friday but she has a family trip that was planned suddenly which cancelled our plans. in regards to her having another interest she told me that she doesnt we only "split" last friday this is still fairly new.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I was actually suppose to fly over on friday but she has a family trip that was planned suddenly which cancelled our plans. in regards to her having another interest she told me that she doesnt we only "split" last friday this is still fairly new.

 

The break-up may be new, but that doesn't mean she hasn't met someone else who has influenced her decision. Just saying.

[aurelius99]

Consider it a blessing. No woman is worth moving out of state for. I did this 10 years ago. Moved across the country for "true love". Now we are divorced and I'm stuck here because I have children with her.

 

Your relationship has to end unless one of you moves to the other's home. Have you thought about the ramifications of this?

[ExpatInItaly]

As the others have said, most people aren't going to find long-distance very satisfying for very long. Online chats just are not the same as in-person dating. The fact that you had planned a visit which she suddenly canceled and then didn't try to reschedule was a red flag.

 

My guess too is that she has met someone local. In any event, take her at her word that this set-up isn't for her and she's not interested in taking it further.

 

In the future, don't get too ahead of yourself before actually meeting someone. It's not dating if you'be never been on a date.

[Rouik]

It can be very hard to break up with someone, but sometimes its the best thing we can do. If she honestly doesn't want to do the long distance thing anymore you have to find a way to accept that. Honestly as long as you stay in contact with her on a daily bases you will have a very hard time not having feeling for her. You mentioned it was a first love, well its going to be hard to move on but I promise you their are other people out there and maybe even a lot closer to home so you wont have to do the long distance ting. Best of luck.

[central]

I've done LDRs, but they're hard, and unfulfilling. Most don't work out in the long run. IMO, they only work if they're also open relationships - you can date and have sex with others, and if you both still want each other more than anyone else you meet, then get together as an exclusive couple when this becomes possible. Most likely, though, one or both of you will find someone as/more appealing nearby, if you really look.

[MJJean]

A LDR without regular visits and time spent together is more or less a fantasy. You don't even know if you're physically attracted to each other, much less in love. You've never even met!

 

You care about the idea of her. The reality is she's nearly a complete stranger.

[preraph]

She wants to date someone face to face, which is a very good idea for both of you. Not all logistics work out in relationships. If you're not moving and she's not moving, why even say you're dating? You're just going about your separate lives in two different places. If you're not ready to make plans to get in one place, then you both need to stop focusing on each other and date other people.

[Ashl]

Hi Night Night 31.

You didn't say how you met or what the circumstances were when you 'dated'. Do you mean in person?

It sounds like you still have the same relationship even if it's called by another name. You might get the chance to go and visit and then in time who knows. Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

[Novz]

Hi, there! I am in a LDR and I share emphathy with you.

 

I'll begin by saying, you really are luckier to just be in the same country. You have more opportunities since you two are closer than in my relationship where. my distance is Philippines to US.

 

I feel your gf! I mean, distance can be so much. I also got to a point (not breaking up) but suggesting options to my partner that I don't mind not being with him.anymore so long as he and I get married and become legal to have a baby. I told him I can manage raising our baby in a LDR, while he stays.in the US and just go on.vacation in 2-3 yrs like what I am so used to. with these suggestions my fiance said NO. He doesn't want our future family look like that. He told me to wait some more time. He assured me again. I realized I was extremely lonely and missing him when I said that.

 

So, I conceded and keep waiting. He is coming home in 2 mos time.

 

I think you gf wants an assurance. She is telling you indirectly about your concrete plans in the future. Women love to be assured. TWICE MORE for women who are in a LDR.

 

Only the two of you knew your relationship better. and could decide what's best for your relationship.

 

I pray you two will end up in good terms.

[DadaBaba]

Hey NightNight31! I'm sorry to hear about what happened. I hope you're doing good. The thing about LDR is, both people need or want to be actively involved in the relationship. If the other person wants to quit, what else can we do but to give it up? It takes two to tango. Speaking from experience, I suggest that you let her come to you and not to bring up the idea of getting back together if she's not bringing it up. This might affect the only thing that's left between the two of you which is friendship. Give her time to sort her feelings out but at the same time, give yourself a deadline for how long you can wait until she can make up her mind. After which, Go strict NC and Move on.

[preraph]

She made a point of saying she doesn't want to stop communicating with you, but she doesn't want a LDR. She wants to be able to date other guys, which makes sense since you two live in different places.

[Whodatdog]

LDRs are not for everyone. Most of them just dont work. People have to have built an extremely strong connnection of trust and understanding for them to work, which means actually have been physically together for a while. Otherwise you are falling in love with words on a phone screen.

 

There is nothing fulfilling with a long distance relationship. Theres always misunderstandings of what words meant, wondering why someone isnt anwering back, wondering where someone is....

 

Im not saying they never work out, sometimes they do. But most of the time they are doomed from the start. They are not built on any foundation, which strong relationships need.

[Seriousperson]

Hey NightNight31! I'm sorry to hear about what happened. I hope you're doing good. The thing about LDR is, both people need or want to be actively involved in the relationship. If the other person wants to quit, what else can we do but to give it up? It takes two to tango. Speaking from experience, I suggest that you let her come to you and not to bring up the idea of getting back together if she's not bringing it up. This might affect the only thing that's left between the two of you which is friendship. Give her time to sort her feelings out but at the same time, give yourself a deadline for how long you can wait until she can make up her mind. After which, Go strict NC and Move on.

 

In any relationship LDR or close distance, you need two people to make the partnership work. I agree, go NC. That isn't fair to you that she wants to keep the lines open, but not have anything exclusive. Also def red flag that she doesn't want you to come visit, if she truly cared about you as much as she say, she would feel out the visit and see if the LDR is worth doing.

[Popsicle]

So my girlfriend well former girlfriend ...

 

That's right, she is your former-gf or ex-gf, not your gf.

 

It's hard to walk down the street and see people holding hands and doing things together while all you can do it talk about it with your partner. Talk, talk, talk.... so much talking. It gets old.

[Popsicle]

You live in Minnesota. Does she even get snow where she lives in Nevada? Because having grown up in a warm state, the idea of moving to a place that's snowy and super cold is really scary.