if I'm not in love?

[Retina]

I'm 22, I'm a guy and this is my 3rd serious relationship.

 

I can't seem to be able to love someone, no matter their personality, if I'm not physically attracted to them. And the problem is, I'm very picky in this area.

 

I'm a good looking guy, so I've been told, and I guess I've always dated girls who were not necessarily pretty in my eyes. I go for girls I know are not up to my standards physically due to my natural lack of confidence. When I get in a relationship, this lack of confidence disappears and I seem to attract a lot more woman. What happened in my two past relationships was that this temptation became overwhelming and I cheated on them. With the first one, I just left her without telling her what I did (I was young and dumb). With the second one, I told her everything and she wanted to stay with me but I had to push her away out of guilt.

 

I can feel this pattern repeating itself now. I've been with my girlfriend for 7 months now and it's been pretty hard. She's not my type physically and certain aspects of her personality don't correlate with mine. I've always been honest with her, telling her I didn't want a relationship, telling her she needed to lose weight in order for me to be attracted to her, telling her she needs to stop saying certain things and acting certain ways. Truth is, she is who she is and I can't change that. She didn't give up on me for roughly 4 months before we started dating. After pushing her away and telling her the truth for all that time, I decided to give her a chance because I knew she would love me the way I'd want to be loved and I knew she would never do anything to hurt me. I was attracted by her determination, after all. Told myself I would get used to her body, and that I would stop caring about her bad habits.

 

Since the beginning, I've never really been in love. There have been happier moments than others, but to me there's no "spark." To her, she's found the man of her dreams and wants to be with me forever. She's the type of person which puts 100% of her energy in a relationship. Whereas I'm really busy pursuing my dreams and see her as a weight more to carry.

 

I can't reciprocate her feelings but I tell her that I love her etc because she wants to hear it and I like to see her happy. I'm actually lying because I don't love her. I often question myself if she's just a friend to me. I've had girls chase me in the past and they were always girls I just wanted to be friends with. My girlfriend was the most persistent and that's why I decided to give her a chance after all.

 

I shouldn't have. I should have listened to myself. Now I'm just going to have to break another heart, for the third time. It breaks me to see how attached a girl can get and then I tear it all apart.

 

I know I need to tell her the truth, like I always have. But I don't think she sees this one coming. She's blinded by love. And I just don't know how to break it to her. We have so many plans, we've become so close but to me this is just friendship.

 

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the time I spend with her, most of the time, and she's perfect in many ways, but I don't think I'm ready for a relationship right now. I want to be alone, pursue my dreams, succeed and then look into it.

 

I need someone to talk to. I need advice.

[healing light]

I know you feel guilty and thought maybe you could overcome your lack of attraction, but it's best to leave this relationship. If you decide to be honest as to the reason, I would couch it in general terms like you never felt a spark but tried to give it time to grow, you feel something is missing, or that you love her but are not in love with her, etc. and that she deserves someone who will feel the same way about her as she does them. Just be careful with the phrasing since you don't want to contribute to a body complex at such an impressionable age.

 

I have had a few guy friends do this same thing (full on admit it to me)--to the point of carrying on 5+ year relationships with women who clearly could have used that time to find a more suitable partner who is actually into them. They had fears around emotional intimacy and deliberately seemed to settle or sabotage themselves from falling in love because subconsciously it was too scary and threatening for them.

 

So while I know you are aware there is a confidence issue behind your motivation to seek women you know won't work out, you will want to explore and overcome your fears of rejection/falling in love/or not being good enough that come into play since this is a pattern. You are still young and luckily aware that you do this, but it definitely is worth potentially talking out with a therapist.

 

Take some time for yourself and build your hobbies and dreams so that your confidence is not determined by the woman who comes into your life. I know you feel badly, but it's breaking up is necessary. Honestly, it's a gift to set her free to find someone who is into her. Know you're far from alone in your pattern but you're also cheating everyone involved when you act it out--yourself, her, and women that actually are compatible with you.

[somanymistakes]

You're not a bad person just because you can't be attracted to everybody. Most people have things that they can or can't handle. Those things won't always be the same. Some women might be completely grossed out by a hairy chest while others think it's hot, etc. It is natural to have preferences.

 

But yeah, it's tough if nice people keep pursuing you even when you tell them it won't work. Still, you know you have to end it, it will only get worse for both of you if you don't.

 

It's also possible, though not certain, that you are not cut out for love. If you've never really been In Love, it might be because you're picky and haven't found the right person yet, or it might be that you're not really wired for it. Not everyone is. Some people prefer friendships and casual relationships for the entirety of their lives.