Ex having Sleepovers w/ BF's

[sour_pikle]

I'm sure this has been discussed before but I need to Ask.

 

 

I currently have my son 50/50 Shared custody with his mother. We have been separated for close to 2 years.

 

 

I have recently found out that his mother is dating someone new (shes dated a few other from what I have been told). The new BF has been around for approximately a month.

 

 

This weekend my son told me (5 yrs Old) that Moms new BF has been sleeping over during her time. I need to be clear there is no jealousy regarding her dating. my concern is that she has dated more than one guy in the last 6 months and had them spending the night while my son is there. More disturbingly she has my son sleeping in the same bed as them.

 

 

To be fair to her, she has know this fella from high school so he's not a complete stranger to her. My concerns is that my son is bringing this up to me because it bothers him in some way.

 

 

Any thoughts or words of wisdom in this situation would be great.

[RecentChange]

Wow, as someone who grew up in a broken home (yes Mom was dating) I think this is seriously not cool.

 

She shouldn't be including men in her child's life until she is certain that it is going to be a long term thing (need more than a month to determine that) otherwise you will end up having men come and go in your son's life which is not okay at such a young age.

 

Sharing the bed!?! Where the hell are the boundaries!?

[LivingWaterPlease]

sour_pikle, good for you listening to your son. It bothers me, too, although you and your son are strangers, that she is having her bf's sleep in the same bed as your 5-year-old son. That needs to stop, like, yesterday. It's not healthy at all even if the bf just goes to sleep.

 

Your son needs to know his bed is his alone and learn that is a boundary not to be crossed until he is an adult and should wish to share it with someone else.

 

 

I don't know of your relationship with your ex. Can you ask/tell her not to do this and feel sure she'll respect your wishes? If not, I'd take her to court and get a ruling on it. It's that big a deal.

 

Grown men shouldn't be sleeping with five-year-olds who are not their own children. And to be clear, they shouldn't sleep with their five-year-old daughters unless there is some unusual reason to be doing so temporarily.

[GorillaTheater]

More disturbingly she has my son sleeping in the same bed as them.

 

 

It would be a very reasonable and appropriate move for you to consult with an attorney about this. There may well be a legal remedy.

[sour_pikle]

sour_pikle, good for you listening to your son. It bothers me, too, although you and your son are strangers, that she is having her bf's sleep in the same bed as your 5-year-old son. That needs to stop, like, yesterday. It's not healthy at all even if the bf just goes to sleep.

 

Your son needs to know his bed is his alone and learn that is a boundary not to be crossed until he is an adult and should wish to share it with someone else.

 

 

I don't know of your relationship with your ex. Can you ask/tell her not to do this and feel sure she'll respect your wishes? If not, I'd take her to court and get a ruling on it. It's that big a deal.

 

Grown men shouldn't be sleeping with five-year-olds who are not their own children. And to be clear, they shouldn't sleep with their five-year-old daughters unless there is some unusual reason to be doing so temporarily.

 

I tried to have a conversation about it with her but it just lead to her telling me that "it's none of my business, she is very happy with this guy and he's not going anywhere, my son loves him, and to butt out". essentially she thought I was jealous of her new relationship and ignored the actual issue.

 

 

My son I very out going and not shy with new people at all so I don't doubt he likes the new bf. however, I can be certain he has no real understanding of what is going on.

[sour_pikle]

Wow, as someone who grew up in a broken home (yes Mom was dating) I think this is seriously not cool.

 

She shouldn't be including men in her child's life until she is certain that it is going to be a long term thing (need more than a month to determine that) otherwise you will end up having men come and go in your son's life which is not okay at such a young age.

 

Sharing the bed!?! Where the hell are the boundaries!?

 

 

 

He's already asking why he cant go visit the last bf that didn't work out. This all has me fairly concerned about what goes on in his head.

[RecentChange]

He's already asking why he cant go visit the last bf that didn't work out. This all has me fairly concerned about what goes on in his head.

 

It's NOT OKAY. Honestly my mother is completely estranged from my sister due to this sort of BS.

 

Would both of you be open to some family / co-parenting counseling? Perhaps a professional could help her understand what healthy boundaries are - because she appears to have no F'ing clue.

[sour_pikle]

It's NOT OKAY. Honestly my mother is completely estranged from my sister due to this sort of BS.

 

Would both of you be open to some family / co-parenting counseling? Perhaps a professional could help her understand what healthy boundaries are - because she appears to have no F'ing clue.

 

 

 

We are currently in meditation to discuss different arrangements for school in the fall. I spoke with our mediator this morning about it. Because she is trying to stay neutral she seemed to shrug it off and said "it's too late, she's already brought the new bf into his life". She asked me to write it in a letter for his mom to have at the end of our next session so that I cant let her know how concerned I am but not to bring it up during the session because it might cause a break down during our mediation.

[RecentChange]

Is this a court appointed mediator?

 

What about counseling with a licensed family therapist?

 

My family did it post divorce (individual and group counseling, kids included​) and it was a big help.

[NopeNah]

but not to bring it up during the session because it might cause a break down during our mediation.

Isn't that the purpose of mediation? To voice concerns and come to a mutual agreement,without the courts being involved. Sounds like a lazy/coward mediator.

[sour_pikle]

my other big concerns is that my son sleeps in her bed on her time to begin with. On my time he has his own room and own bed and he knows that is where he sleeps when he's with Dad (minus and night or two after a bad dream or something). Now, when she brings men into the picture he's either tossed aside and told to sleep in his own bed out of no where, if not it seems she just has him sleep with her and her BF. The confusion and sense of abandonment for him must be devastating.

 

 

On a side note, his bad dreams are usually "mommy left me and I was scared" related.

 

 

I swear I'm not making any of this up. I need a true and honest opinion here.

[sour_pikle]

Is this a court appointed mediator?

 

What about counseling with a licensed family therapist?

 

My family did it post divorce (individual and group counseling, kids included​) and it was a big help.

 

 

 

I've done my best to avoid court due to my limited financial resources. My money is spent paying for expenses that used to be shared on two incomes lol

 

 

I'm up for anything that will solve these issues for my son's sake. She however is still very resentful and, well, just plain not interested in putting her sons needs before her own. She regularly misses mediation appointments.

[RecentChange]

For your son's sake you can't allow this to go on.

 

You have to man up and protect your son. I can't believe a mediator said this was okay.

 

Time for action - professional counseling or contact an attorney like GT suggested.

[LivingWaterPlease]

If there is one time you need to contact an attorney, this is it. Even if you have to borrow the money. The effects of him sleeping with adults could last a lifetime.

 

I would be on the phone with an attorney this very minute in your place since you've tried to talk with her about it and it did no good. I would take it right into the court system if that's what it took.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sure this has been discussed before but I need to Ask.

 

 

I currently have my son 50/50 Shared custody with his mother. We have been separated for close to 2 years.

 

 

I have recently found out that his mother is dating someone new (shes dated a few other from what I have been told). The new BF has been around for approximately a month.

 

 

This weekend my son told me (5 yrs Old) that Moms new BF has been sleeping over during her time. I need to be clear there is no jealousy regarding her dating. my concern is that she has dated more than one guy in the last 6 months and had them spending the night while my son is there. More disturbingly she has my son sleeping in the same bed as them.

 

 

To be fair to her, she has know this fella from high school so he's not a complete stranger to her. My concerns is that my son is bringing this up to me because it bothers him in some way.

 

 

Any thoughts or words of wisdom in this situation would be great.

 

You and your ex need to talk about this. It's totally inappropriate! Your son should NOT, I repeat NOT be sleeping in the same bed as his mom and her new boyfriend. That is disgusting and crossing a line. He isn't a step father, he barely knows your child. You have every right to be upset about this! It's so wrong and the fact your ex has allowed this just makes me wonder where her head is at? Fact too, you've not met this guy or been formally introduced to him.

 

Get a hold of your lawyer asap.

[testmeasure]

First, I generally agree with contacting an attorney any time something is of significant concern.

 

I'm not an attorney. All I have is personal experience from having been through a high conflict custody situation, and my personal opinion after reading some books and the internet.

 

I also agree that the situation is morally wrong and probably damaging.

 

Unfortunately, from what I've read, the courts would be unlikely to take any action on this. Co-sleeping and when to introduce a significant other are parenting choices your ex is making during her parenting time. They may be bad choices, but from the stories I've seen, it's hard to get the courts to micromanage parenting decisions even when they are much, much worse. (Including situations where new boyfriend are Ex convicts or have a history of physical abuse.)

 

So, on one level the situation is none of your business and there may be nothing you can do about it. However, any time a parenting decision she makes alarms you enough, you should document your concerns. A method I've seen recommended is a registered letter to his mom.

 

A letter given to her at the end of a mediation session in the presence of a mediator or dispute resolution person sounds pretty similar to that. So, I think you got good advice.

 

From what I've read, the court isn't going to intervene unless there is imminent danger. The best you can do is document your concerns and that you've communicated them to the mom. That way if the situation does go down a path where there is imminent danger you don't have to start out proving it from scratch.

 

If I'm right about this, the letter should be written expressing concerns, with the child's best interest in mind. It should not be written telling her what to do on her parenting time. In other words, write it as if you recognize this is her decision to make, but explain why you think she is making the wrong choice.

 

The current opinion of the legal and psychological professions seems to be that one good parent is enough for the child to turn out alright. They're the professionals. I've only just had my one experience and done some reading. The down side is, the court probably isn't going to intervene.

 

The up side is there are books and online courses about high conflict co-parenting and co-parenting with "toxic" people. Hopefully resulting in the one good parent actually being enough.

 

A common theme is to discourage the child from talking about either parent's parenting decisions during the other parent's time. This is designed to avoid parental alienation. (Don't encourage the child to complain about the other parent.) I'm no expert on this, but in this case with a serious concern, I don't think I'd take that approach.

 

Another common theme when the child brings up a problem is to get the child to express how it made them feel, and then validate that feeling. So, it would be something along the lines of asking your son how that made him feel and validating that feeling. But, then maybe go on to say that's during your moms time. Have you told her how you feel about it? If you feel that way you should tell her.

 

This shows you're respecting the mom's parenting decisions while at the same time taking your son's feelings about her parenting decisions seriously.

 

Beyond that, document, document, document. Consult an attorney periodically, or if there are any new developments. Only a local attorney with knowledge of the judges in your county could properly tell you when things have reached a point where your local courts would be likely to take action.

 

Hopefully in the end the experts are right, and one good parent is enough. If you treat the child's feelings seriously, validate them, and make it clear this is mom's time, so he need to take this to her... hopefully that's enough for your son, and then just keep documenting just in case. And, you do need the opinion of a local attorney.

[IndigoNight]

(Before anyone flames on me, I completely agree that the mother should insist that the son should sleep in his own bed whether or not she has company over. Bad dreams, sick child, are of course reasonable exceptions, when she is ALONE)

 

Have you asked your son "Why don't you sleep in your bed at your mom's, like you sleep in your bed when you are here with me?" Your son may have gotten into the habit of sleeping with his mom so he wasn't alone. If that is the case, you can talk to your son about sleeping in his own bed like a "big boy" and see if it helps.

 

Your son having bad dreams that mommy abandoned him is concerning. He may have a fear of sleeping alone at his mother's house, and that would need to be addressed. Asking him what would make him feel safe, etc. Many parents use night lights, fish tanks, favorite toys or other items to comfort their child.

 

Just try talking to your son first, without judging his mom, and maybe the issue can be resolved without lawyers and court orders. I am not minimizing the inappropriateness of what it going on, just suggesting that before you break out the big guns, ask your son why he sleeps where he does.

 

If he says mommy wants him to sleep in her bed, or won't let him sleep in his bed, then call a lawyer, or ask the court for a new mediator and an adjustment to your custody agreement. You can actually have it ordered that your child is to have his own bedroom, and sleep in his own bed, in your custody arrangement.

[sour_pikle]

Thanks so much for the detailed reply's.

 

 

I agree most of what she chooses to do is none of my business unless it involves decisions like this. I really try to keep my nose out her business. I go so far as to tell mutual friends that letting me know what she is up to is not require nor appreciated.

 

 

I have tried both telephone conversation as well as a txt message regarding the issue, both of which have been ignored. We have mediation today so I think I'll whip up a letter with some "I Feel" and "please consider" language to her regarding this and see if that gets me anywhere.

[MJJean]

Yes, your son should be sleeping in his own bed. And, yes, the court will likely not intervene. Co-sleeping seems to be something few judges want to rule on. However, some judges will allow a morals clause in the divorce stating no unrelated adults are to stay over while the child is in residence. This would apply to both of you if you could get a judge to sign off on it. I've seen judges go both ways.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Some are saying the court won't intervene but I believe it probably will. Most any judge will realize this is damaging.

Edited July 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
OP request ~T

[sour_pikle]

Well I tried to talk to her, gave her the letter, and she took it upon herself to have her BF sleepover again last night on her over nigh during the week and ignore all my concerns completely.

 

 

I guess its off to a lawyer ASAP.

 

 

Some people I tell you!

[preraph]

I agree it's not good for men or women to bring new people around kids until it's at least been a few months of getting to know them -- but she already knows this guy. Not only that but she knows others who know him. She has a handle on who he is. My opinion, the kid shouldn't be sleeping with the two of them, no. I grew up sharing a bed with one person and another in my household and I had problems with being scared to sleep alone as an adult that it took me years and a dog and leaving on lights to get past. So in general, kids need to learn that not just their parents bed is safe, but the whole house is safe so they will be safe in their own bed in their own room. Usually a young kid wanting to sleep with a parent is nothing more than a bid for unending attention anyway, but it soon develops into real fears of being alone.

 

She knows the guy. The only talk her should be about the child not sleeping in bed with them.

[whichwayisup]

Well I tried to talk to her, gave her the letter, and she took it upon herself to have her BF sleepover again last night on her over nigh during the week and ignore all my concerns completely.

 

 

I guess its off to a lawyer ASAP.

 

 

Some people I tell you!

 

This is so wrong of her and she isn't thinking of what is best for your child. She's putting her selfish needs ahead of her own son! Get the lawyer, go to court and sort this out. In the meantime tell your son it's okay for him to tell his mom that he doesn't want to sleep in her bed. Or is he wanting to and scared to sleep on his own? When he's with you does he sleep in his own bed?

[sour_pikle]

I agree it's not good for men or women to bring new people around kids until it's at least been a few months of getting to know them -- but she already knows this guy. Not only that but she knows others who know him. She has a handle on who he is. My opinion, the kid shouldn't be sleeping with the two of them, no. I grew up sharing a bed with one person and another in my household and I had problems with being scared to sleep alone as an adult that it took me years and a dog and leaving on lights to get past. So in general, kids need to learn that not just their parents bed is safe, but the whole house is safe so they will be safe in their own bed in their own room. Usually a young kid wanting to sleep with a parent is nothing more than a bid for unending attention anyway, but it soon develops into real fears of being alone.

 

She knows the guy. The only talk her should be about the child not sleeping in bed with them.

Sorry, I should have been more clear. They slept in bed together with the bf. I very much mind my own business regarding these things. Funny you mention other know this guy too, I've been informed he's and alcoholic and drug user...to what extent I do not know.

 

 

As a side note..my son sleeps in his own bed during my custody 98% of the time. This was a problem with him sleeping in his moms bed al the time before with or without a bf being there. Now its just gotten pretty out of hand and I feel helpless to stop it.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Well, obviously you're wisely going to contact an attorney about this. Good for you.

 

Since he's been sleeping with his mom before the divorce and after, too, here's an idea for you if you should at all have any input into what happens there. I'm sharing this with you in the event your attorney assigns a guardian ad litem to your son to oversee this process as they sometimes do.

 

Your son may possibly have a little anxiety sleeping by himself over at his mom's house since he's been accustomed to sleeping with her for so long and since the two of you have divorced. However, there are some things you may possibly have opportunity to suggest, I don't know, to a guardian ad litem if the court assigns one.

 

My son had never slept with me before his dad and I divorced but after the divorce he wanted to and for a short time would try to come into my bed or ask me to sleep with him. I knew this wasn't a good idea for a boy. So, I did several things that really helped him feel secure sleeping in his own bed alone.

 

1. I bought him a new comforter (kind of an indian design but very thick) and quite a few matching pillows so that the bed was piled high with fluffiness for extra comfort yet had a masculine appearance that I knew would appeal to him.

 

2. I also got a device for him to listen to Bible stories as he went to sleep. This was very comforting for him. The stories were dramatized and quite interesting. He learned a lot about the Bible and about becoming a person of integrity from them. And they reminded him of God's presence and that a person could trust God. So this gave him comfort and security. Every single night he'd go to sleep listening to them.

 

3. And for awhile, until he become comfortable going to sleep by himself, I would lie down next to him on top of the comforter until he went to sleep. Obviously he was between the sheets with the comforter over him so there was that boundary between us. Then I'd leave and go to my own room. I believe I did this for a few months to a year until he was pretty comfortable in his own room with his stories on.

 

I realize you can't dictate how things are done at his mom's house but even if you got some soothing stories (obviously not scary or exciting ones) for him to listen to while going to sleep there may come a time when he'd like to take them with him to his mom's house and at his suggestion it could become part of the routine over there and possibly comfort him making it easier to sleep without being in bed with mom.

Edited June 23, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease