Ex having Sleepovers w/ BF's

[Cephalopod]

I tried to have a conversation about it with her but it just lead to her telling me that "it's none of my business, she is very happy with this guy and he's not going anywhere, my son loves him, and to butt out". essentially she thought I was jealous of her new relationship and ignored the actual issue.

 

 

My son I very out going and not shy with new people at all so I don't doubt he likes the new bf. however, I can be certain he has no real understanding of what is going on.

 

You are still legally her husband. It is your business who she brings around your child.

 

Why are you not divorced?

[sour_pikle]

You are still legally her husband. It is your business who she brings around your child.

 

Why are you not divorced?

 

We were never married only common law for over six years. Regardless, I do think it is my business who she brings around my son. She keeps trying to make this about me being jealous about her having a bf and continuously tries to rub it in my face like I'm supposed to be upset.

 

 

"IM in a very stable relationship with a WONDERFUL man, who my family loves so butt out!"

 

 

She has been dating him for a month so how you call that a relationship let alone a stable one I'm not sure. However, I'm not debating how happy the two of them are. My concern is my son and nothing more. I asked that she date him for minimum six month's before having him sleep over and that he never sleep in bed with my son.

 

 

Of course that fell on deaf ears and the only response I got back was "He's not going anywhere for a long time :)"

[sour_pikle]

I agree it's not good for men or women to bring new people around kids until it's at least been a few months of getting to know them -- but she already knows this guy. Not only that but she knows others who know him. She has a handle on who he is. My opinion, the kid shouldn't be sleeping with the two of them, no. I grew up sharing a bed with one person and another in my household and I had problems with being scared to sleep alone as an adult that it took me years and a dog and leaving on lights to get past. So in general, kids need to learn that not just their parents bed is safe, but the whole house is safe so they will be safe in their own bed in their own room. Usually a young kid wanting to sleep with a parent is nothing more than a bid for unending attention anyway, but it soon develops into real fears of being alone.

 

She knows the guy. The only talk her should be about the child not sleeping in bed with them.

 

I'll put this in perspective for you and see if you still have the same opinion...

 

 

First, when I say she knows him, it's from high school party day 12 years ago. This guy also hasn't been in her life since then so im assuming hes not the same person he was 12 years ago.

 

 

Second, her family knows him because he has dated a cousin in her family for the last 5 or so years and just got out of that relationship 2 months ago, from what I've been told it ended due to alcohol abuse.

 

 

Third, she has essentially had my son around him since the day she fist made physical contact with this guy a month ago.

 

 

Forth, this is the second guy she has dated and had sleeping over and hanging around my son in since January.

 

 

Fifth, my son has been sleeping in bed with her almost exclusively in her bed with her like hes a comfort teddy bear for her. He is not scared to sleep alone what so ever at my hose and has done so for the last two years.

 

 

Is any of this sounding a little bit like selfish parenting to you?

[sour_pikle]

I'll put this in perspective for you and see if you still have the same opinion...

 

 

First, when I say she knows him, it's from high school party day 12 years ago. This guy also hasn't been in her life since then so im assuming hes not the same person he was 12 years ago.

 

 

Second, her family knows him because he has dated a cousin in her family for the last 5 or so years and just got out of that relationship 2 months ago, from what I've been told it ended due to alcohol abuse.

 

 

Third, she has essentially had my son around him since the day she fist made physical contact with this guy a month ago.

 

 

Forth, this is the second guy she has dated and had sleeping over and hanging around my son in since January.

 

 

Fifth, my son has been sleeping in bed with her almost exclusively in her bed with her like hes a comfort teddy bear for her. He is not scared to sleep alone what so ever at my hose and has done so for the last two years.

 

 

Is any of this sounding a little bit like selfish parenting to you?

 

 

 

I was hoping to get a response from PRERPH regarding my added information to your post???

[d0nnivain]

More disturbingly she has my son sleeping in the same bed as them.

 

Oh hell no! Call your lawyer immediately & call child protective services.

[d0nnivain]

Fifth, my son has been sleeping in bed with her almost exclusively in her bed with her like hes a comfort teddy bear for her. He is not scared to sleep alone what so ever at my hose and has done so for the last two years.

 

 

Is any of this sounding a little bit like selfish parenting to you?

 

No it sounds like child abuse.

 

Call CPS immediately! This will damage your son long term. You have to get him out of there.

[Jersey born raised]

Your situation screams Oedipus complex. Seek a psychiatrist (they have an MD) for help. Then seek a lawyer. Do not share with ex until shemis served.

 

A five year old should not routinely share a parents bed.

[sour_pikle]

I have sought out a lawyer and they say there is nothing that can be done in this situation.

 

 

The Canadian Family legal system is useless to fathers in almost all situations. She would essentially have to be a convicted murderer for them to do anything.

[somanymistakes]

You might get better support from a dedicated shared-parenting forum than from here on LS where we're very overenthusiastic about scolding the misbehavers.

 

One of the most commonly emphasized messages in some of those communities is that you cannot control how the other person parents. You just can't. Fuss and complain all you like, feel that your partner is damaging your kid's development all you like (and maybe they are), but unless the parent is actively abusing the kid or is unable to provide for the child's basic needs, it's a difference of opinion and not a court matter.

 

This isn't about being useless to fathers, the same goes for mothers who are exasperated at the way their xH's behave with the child.

 

It's not practical for the courts to try and legislate every little difference of opinion. One parent may think that 'forcing' a child to join a religion at a young age is incredibly damaging to their mental development while the other might think that NOT taking them to church is equally damaging. One might think that allowing children to keep sucking their thumbs is destroying their teeth and their social prospects, the other might think that using treatments to try and break that habit is abusive. Do we really want the overburdened legal system trying to resolve every difference along those lines?

 

If she or her boyfriends are actually touching the kid in inappropriate ways then you can get the law involved. If she's just a bad parent, unfortunately being a bad parent isn't illegal.

[sour_pikle]

any recommendations for a good co parenting forum?

[knabe]

You might get better support from a dedicated shared-parenting forum than from here on LS where we're very overenthusiastic about scolding the misbehavers.

 

One of the most commonly emphasized messages in some of those communities is that you cannot control how the other person parents. You just can't. Fuss and complain all you like, feel that your partner is damaging your kid's development all you like (and maybe they are), but unless the parent is actively abusing the kid or is unable to provide for the child's basic needs, it's a difference of opinion and not a court matter.

 

This isn't about being useless to fathers, the same goes for mothers who are exasperated at the way their xH's behave with the child.

 

It's not practical for the courts to try and legislate every little difference of opinion. One parent may think that 'forcing' a child to join a religion at a young age is incredibly damaging to their mental development while the other might think that NOT taking them to church is equally damaging. One might think that allowing children to keep sucking their thumbs is destroying their teeth and their social prospects, the other might think that using treatments to try and break that habit is abusive. Do we really want the overburdened legal system trying to resolve every difference along those lines?

 

If she or her boyfriends are actually touching the kid in inappropriate ways then you can get the law involved. If she's just a bad parent, unfortunately being a bad parent isn't illegal.

 

A legal system that doesn't see danger in a child sharing a bed with a stranger isn't a very good legal system.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I have sought out a lawyer and they say there is nothing that can be done in this situation.

 

 

The Canadian Family legal system is useless to fathers in almost all situations. She would essentially have to be a convicted murderer for them to do anything.

 

Can't recall whether or not you and your ex are able to communicate civilly. If so, why not do some research about situations that pertain boundaries for kids and share it with her letting her know before you share it that you're appreciative of the fact you're both concerned about your son and that you can communicate with her about his well being.

 

At some point during the discussion she may reveal her opinion that there is no other place for the boy to sleep. When she does this possibly you can offer to help with solutions.

 

If you were to buy him his own bed to sleep in while there it'd be cheaper and less invasive in your life than taking her to court about it anyway.

 

Try to find some way to help your son be able to keep healthy boundaries. Also, have a talk with him if you haven't already about people honoring his personal physical (emotional, etc) boundaries and what to do if they don't.

[lolablue17]

I'm not familiar with the Canadian law. But I do know that judges find it difficult to ignore documentation.

 

If you go to court, equiped with a document, signed by a psychologist, (better a well known, experienced, and respected one), saying that your child experiences child abuse, no judge can ignore it.

 

I you don't find any respected psychologist that thinks its an abuse for a strange man to be sleeping in the same ben with your child, than it's probably OK for your child.

 

I think that sleeping in the same bed is the issue here, not the sleeping over. Because when a man is sleeping in the same ben with a child, there's always the fear of sexual abuse.

 

If you manage to deliver a signed document, It's gonna be very hard for your wife to find any other psychologist to sign the opposite and assure that it is 100% safe for a strange man to sleep with your child in the same ben.

 

If you arm yourself with the right documents, you have a good chance to get what you want. Now ask yourself what happens if the court will force your ex a rule on that matter. Will she try to get some revenge? Will she try to hurt you? Because it's a long journey, and to win a battle is not always the best way to deal with conflicts.

Edited July 22, 2017 by lolablue17