Can't leave it go

[Over thinker]

Hi,

Long one here bear with me..

Me and girlfriend have been together for nearly 8 years. We started going out when I was 20 and she was 16. It's been a great relationship for the most part and we have been living together for 2 years now.

About 3 years she had attempted to go on a break from me. She was only 20 at the time and felt she needed space alone as we had been together since she was very young. I could barely cope and broke down and she decided to stay based of my reaction. A similar situation happened a few weeks later.

A few months after this I came with the ridiculous plan to try and get engaged. I basically thought by doing this I would somehow protect the relationship and save it. She realised what I was doing on holiday and in a nice way told me how she wasn't ready for something like that (obviously after wanting a break a few months earlier !). The summer came then and 4 months later we were getting on well and we moved in together. Since then things have been great and she openly talks about she wants to spend the rest of our lives together.

Now for the **** part. A friend told me 2 and a half years ago that he heard my GF had been seen kissing a couple of guys at different times in the town we are from. That night I confronted her about it and she broke down and admitted the truth. At the time when she wanted to go on a break she had kissed a couple of guys while drunk. After the proposal attempt it happened 3 more times that Summer. Her head as justifiably all over there place and she obviously needed to be on her own then but I was so angry. She had decided before we moved in together that she was happy to spend her life with me and left those drunken mistakes behind her. She hadn't told me what had happened when it did as she had seen how I had reacted to going on a break before and couldn't do it to me.

She is an amazing person she really is and if I had given her space I don't think any of this would be an issue, but I struggle so much even all these years later thinking about it or ruminating on it. Completely hypocritically I have made similar lapses (drunk kisses) and she would not waste 2 seconds forgiving me.

No relationships really make it from the ages we started going out (especially in her case) and she deservedly needed space at the age she was, so why am I struggling so much here.

Do people agree it's an extremely forgivable situation ? Thanks for any advice.

[preraph]

Yeah. I mean, she did try to break up, which is the right thing, rather than going behind your back. I hope she's well settled now, but she may not be. People do need some years on their own before they settle down happily. So not sure how solid things are. You've done the same thing but probably not even tried to break up first. It's obvious you are more mature now than back then and I think if she came to you again needing to break up, you'd be wise enough to do that. It's hard to keep being attracted to someone who is kind of holding you captive by making it hard to leave. I don't know what the answer is except maybe you can open the subject with her again and just see how she's feeling from time to time. Also my other suggestion is to try to make your life unpredictable and exciting. Young people need that exploration, so try to keep her satisfied by taking her travelling, even if it's only inexpensive camping or a night in the big city or to the beach or lake or river. Keep finding new things to do with her and new places and maybe that will satisfy some of her need to just live life and explore.

[Over thinker]

Thanks for the reply preraph.

Ya things are completely different now. She is in a really good place and I guess our relationship is now everything I ever hoped it would be. Kissing other people is a millions miles away to be honest.

I beat myself up a lot for not moving past this, it feels like I would be thorowing away something special but my head is so stuck and always dredges stuff up and gets me down.

If I ever see one of those lads it drives me into overdrive. I just can't seem to leave it where it belongs (in the past) even though I do believe the whole situation is very forgivable.

If a similar situation involving a break came up again I would definitely not repeat my previous displays! She is 24 now me 28, and there's definitely a new found maturity with us the last few years.

I just hate the thought of people knowing and stuff even if they were just kisses.

[Sprince92]

MArriage makes everything harder... thats when the problems become bigger and brighter.

 

Its for the best that she did not agree.

 

I had to make a decision like that last week, my ex offered to get married to fix all of our issues and i declined. it enlarges the problems not makes them disappear

[Over thinker]

Oh 100%. I can see knowhow crazy it was to even consider marriage. I was purely trying to stop her from leaving and she was 21!

I guess I still just hate the fact she kissed quite a few guys at that time, even if unlike a lot of cheating examples she had multiple reasons and her head was obviously not in the place for a committed relationship.

How I wish I just gave her the space when she wanted it. I don't think I would be going over and over this if I had.

I hate the fact others don't realise our problems at the time in a way, and just class her as a person who kissed other people while we were together..

[lolablue17]

I have no news for you my dear fried. As an "over thinker" my self, just much older than you, I can testify that this "over thinking" nature does not go away in time. I'm still the same as I used to be when I was 20. Well maybe 10% improvement...

 

No news also from the actual scene. Your Gf will always feel she may have missed something, will always wonder how is it like to be with other guys. The only unknown thing is will she cheat or not. I have no statistics on that, but I've known many couples that were the firsts for each other.

 

My guess is that you need to be a unique unusual woman, in order to never cheat. Not because all women cheat, but because a woman who experienced few things in life BEFORE she settles, is much more reliable than a woman like your Gf, who has an urge to the outside world, an urge that right now ends up with only kissings, but imagine when she has children, and all insufficiency that comes with it... well, I don't know. I hope the best for you.

[Over thinker]

Thanks for the reply.

I suppose the great thing is she really feels like this was that period of time she needed to be alone and experience life without me. Even though through desperation I didn't officially grant her that time, her head was clearly not in a different place even though she gave in to my begging for her to stay.

I guess I feel like I should be able to get over this especially 2 and a half years later especially when there is so many legit reasons for it happening- age, wanting a break, not moving past Kissing etc that I just want to know would others agree it's a very forgivable form of cheating?

[lolablue17]

Thanks for the reply.

I suppose the great thing is she really feels like this was that period of time she needed to be alone and experience life without me. Even though through desperation I didn't officially grant her that time, her head was clearly not in a different place even though she gave in to my begging for her to stay.

I guess I feel like I should be able to get over this especially 2 and a half years later especially when there is so many legit reasons for it happening- age, wanting a break, not moving past Kissing etc that I just want to know would others agree it's a very forgivable form of cheating?

 

Of course it's forgivable. Sometimes a full cheating (affair) can be forgivable. The question is if you are able to forgive.

[ExpatInItaly]

Does she know you kissed other people too?

[Superchicken]

Hey Over thinker.

 

 

I am going to give you one bit of advice. You need to take it or leave it as you like..

 

 

Before committing with her, you need to sit her down, and tell her, that this will be the only time for her to say the truth about what else happened with the other guys, and be forgiven and her actions forgotten.

 

 

A woman, single too boot, will do more than just kiss. I'm sorry, but, she's not 12..

 

 

So by giving her the chance to come clean, and be honest, and that you will NOT, hold it against her, she may say something.

 

 

Now, if, she keeps silent, and later down the road you find out different, then, you need to get rid of her before you get really hurt further in the future.

 

 

She's partially honest, as she did try and split up, but, the other half (Dishonest), she knew what she wanted to do with the other guys, and knew she would come back to you.

 

 

Anyway, maybe let her think about it over night, and this will put her under the pump a little, as she may think you know something..

 

 

Good luck.

 

 

Ted.

[Over thinker]

Does she know you kissed other people too?

 

No she doesn't. I know she would have forgiven me too but I never did at there time and it feels pointless dragging it up at this stage when the whole situation is in our past.

I know that a lot of that is being selfish too, especially when she had to face the music.

[BluesPower]

Yeah, I was not going to comment...But since SC chimed in I guess I will too.

 

Is there some omnipresent knowledge the you have of these incidents? I mean honestly, what makes you think that she did not take these guys to bed?

 

What makes you think that? And further, is this your first real relationship as well. If you wanted to taste the water would you stop at kissing?

 

This whole situation sounds fishy to me...

[Over thinker]

Hey Over thinker.

 

 

I am going to give you one bit of advice. You need to take it or leave it as you like..

 

 

Before committing with her, you need to sit her down, and tell her, that this will be the only time for her to say the truth about what else happened with the other guys, and be forgiven and her actions forgotten.

 

 

A woman, single too boot, will do more than just kiss. I'm sorry, but, she's not 12..

 

 

So by giving her the chance to come clean, and be honest, and that you will NOT, hold it against her, she may say something.

 

 

Now, if, she keeps silent, and later down the road you find out different, then, you need to get rid of her before you get really hurt further in the future.

 

 

She's partially honest, as she did try and split up, but, the other half (Dishonest), she knew what she wanted to do with the other guys, and knew she would come back to you.

 

 

Anyway, maybe let her think about it over night, and this will put her under the pump a little, as she may think you know something..

 

 

Good luck.

 

 

Ted.

 

I'm actually lucky enough in a way that I know nothing much else happened. I saw the messages she had text these guys the following day, and all their replies were along the lines that nothing much happened and it was just a drunken kiss etc etc.

 

I don't fully believe she did this either because she neccessarily wanted to kiss a few guys, I think a lot of it was she needed space, and when she couldn't get it and with drink involved she made mistakes.

I suppose she never really had much expericience in those type of situations when we started going out when she was 16.

[Over thinker]

Yeah, I was not going to comment...But since SC chimed in I guess I will too.

 

Is there some omnipresent knowledge the you have of these incidents? I mean honestly, what makes you think that she did not take these guys to bed?

 

What makes you think that? And further, is this your first real relationship as well. If you wanted to taste the water would you stop at kissing?

 

This whole situation sounds fishy to me...

 

See above for the answer regarding knowledge of incidents etc in reply to SC.

 

Ya it's my first major relationship too and as I said I have done similar.

 

I guess my points are more along the line that with her age, wanting a break, a crazy proposal attempt that a lot more within that timeframe would have actually still been forgiveable. Luckily things didn't go so far all the same, as if I obsess over this I would hate to see what I would have been like if she was seeing someone behind my back etc