It's been awhile

[Ronnie33]

Im startingnthisbthread because im curious and others input. I've been NC now since Thursday. It's already been non stop thoughts of him in my mind. The thoughts are all sexual though. My back story is here but it was a three year affair. We were friends for a year before it started and became very close.

 

We have insane chemistry between us and the everything for the past three years has been rawly intense, to say the least. Everytime we have gone NC I have missed him and the friendship but the fantasies over take me. I can't stop replaying everything we did. I know this is why affairs are so addicting, because you are stuck in this limerance stage.

 

Anyway I guess what I'm getting at is that no matter how much I think I love him, I'm way more addicted to him and the feeling he gives me. I haven't been able to get it anywhere else. How do you stop your mind from thinking about it?

When you ended the affair did you crave this person? And if yes how did you eventually get over it. I feel like I'm withdrawing from a drug and it's only been a few days.

[Blu72]

I can relate and I wish I had the answers. I am day 14 no contact and I still feel this way. Some days are better than others. We never really ended it or said we were going no contact, but neither one of us has reached out to one another during this time and I have no plans to reach out. Since the end of June (the last time we saw each other) we communicated once and that was the last time 14

Days ago. I've removed my self from social media and have gone silent and I plan on keeping it that way. But yes, its addicting and unfortunately we allow it to have too much power over us. The fantasies, the memories, the feelings - but its all really a twisted illusion we need to break free of. Hang in there.

[Chica80]

I'm sorry you are having a rough time....I know the feeling.

 

Think about why are you doing this? Why are you going NC. Why are you ending things. Tell yourself those things when you feel sad...

 

Try to stay busy. Eat healthy, Excercise, watch funny movies or shows. Spend time w family and friends.

 

I'm having a hard time w the thoughts the constant in my head. Then I tell myself why do I allow him so much space so much influence and power in my life?

[RedOlive]

Ronnie, hang in there. You can do this.

 

I had exactly the same experience when we first went NC. Obsessive fantasies were almost unbearable. I'm here to tell you it does get better. I'm over 2 month NC and last night I realized: "Hey, I have not thought about my xMM at all all day!". I did a little celebration dance.

 

The thing is, everyone griefs and heals differently. For me keeping busy and filling my schedule didn't really work. I guess my brain is really good at obsessive multitasking! What does seem to help is time. After over 2 month of absolute mental torture I'm slowly getting bored with it. Instead of being intoxicating the memories of xMM are starting to get annoying.

 

Trust me, if someone told me two weeks ago I'd be writing this i'd never believe them. At the moment your memories and desires are just too intense to see any hope pass them. It does come though. Stay strong, keep on your journey and remember why you gave up this toxic relationship at the first place. Good luck to you and ((( hugs )))

[imperfectangel]

I just kept repeating to myself "he's where he wants to be with who he wants to be with", though My a has since restarted I was genuinely getting over it.

 

It sounds cheesy and it's frustrating but it is TIME. Set up a fake email and send all your thoughts there, any emails you want to send mm send them there. I found if I was really thinking about him if I did this it really helped.

 

I think bottling it all up makes it 10000% harder

[MidnightBlue1980]

Im startingnthisbthread because im curious and others input. I've been NC now since Thursday. It's already been non stop thoughts of him in my mind. The thoughts are all sexual though. My back story is here but it was a three year affair. We were friends for a year before it started and became very close.

 

We have insane chemistry between us and the everything for the past three years has been rawly intense, to say the least. Everytime we have gone NC I have missed him and the friendship but the fantasies over take me. I can't stop replaying everything we did. I know this is why affairs are so addicting, because you are stuck in this limerance stage.

 

Anyway I guess what I'm getting at is that no matter how much I think I love him, I'm way more addicted to him and the feeling he gives me. I haven't been able to get it anywhere else. How do you stop your mind from thinking about it?

When you ended the affair did you crave this person? And if yes how did you eventually get over it. I feel like I'm withdrawing from a drug and it's only been a few days.

 

How do you stop your mind from craving him? You don't. Just let the thoughts flow. The more you focus your energy on trying not to think about him, the more you will think about him because what ever you focus on, grows. I did the same, replayed everything in my mind over and over and over. It takes a while. I could give you a bunch of advice - stay busy, read, run, but I actually think that avoidance prolongs it. Play sad music, eat ice cream, watch Lifetime TV - immerse yourself in it. Treat it like a breakup, because it is. Be sad. You loved someone, it did not go your way and it's over.

 

It does gets better. If you are not talking, there is just nothing new to think about. If you have anyone IRL who knows, you will eventually get tired of talking about it, rehashing the same old crap. You will not want to type it all out here. You will eventually just get tired of being around yourself. It just gets boring, one day you just cannot stand the sound of your own voice anymore on the topic. Eventually you just forget details, memories, etc. It fades away.

 

That's not to say there are not other feelings that remain from time to time, but that is beyond your post.

[Grey Cloud]

If you are not talking, there is just nothing new to think about.

 

Love this!!! Eventually the old memories will fade and seriously how many times can one re-play the same **** over and over?!! Since I have been in permanent NC with my xMM I have slept so much better because I am not analysing every email, every action and every new thing he has said.

[Englishman]

Hey Ronnie,

I've got no answers but just letting you know I appreciate how your feeling It's so hard letting go, especially when you both still feel the same about each other but you also know the affair is doomed, unworkable, unfeasible and just plain wrong.

 

I did 14 days NC then we had a brief conversation (10 minutes) and I'm now on day 5 of a new NC pact.

Some days are harder than others last time day 13 NC was the easiest and I thought I'd got it cracked but I woke up on day 14 knowing that I'd not make the day without contact.

 

The rational side of me also understands that it's the affair fog or affair addiction making me feel this way but knowing it's a fog doesn't make the feelings of loss or sadness any less painful.

 

There are hundreds of reasons why my affair needs to end and not one reason to keep the affair going but sometimes the no reason seems to outweigh all the right and proper reasons to end it.

 

I wish you the best and trust what people say that it does get better, my goal is to lead a life i'm proud of rather than be ashamed of.

[Daisy2013]

My MM is imprinted in my brain, his face just sits there and it is enough to drive me crazy. I dont even have to be "thinking" of him, his picture just sits there.

 

I bought a kindle book off Amazon, How To Fall Out Of Love." It is a behavioral therapy book. In quick sum, you allow yourself to allow a thought of him to appear, then yell "Stop" and replace it by a good thought, anything that doesn't have him in it. That teaches you how to take control. The author is a practitioner and says it works and gives case studies. Then when the thoughts creep up, you will automatically stop them using this method. There is more, such as building yourself up, but this is the gist of it. I'm trying and thus far he is not gaining head space, but is beginning to be stopped at the "door." You have to have a list of good thoughts ready to step in. The author says soon you won't think of him at all.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Love this!!! Eventually the old memories will fade and seriously how many times can one re-play the same **** over and over?!! Since I have been in permanent NC with my xMM I have slept so much better because I am not analysing every email, every action and every new thing he has said.

 

I agree. I see him so it's more difficult but the positive side is I don't have illusions about who he is- my memory cannot play tricks on me. I have learned the hard way that I cannot have ANY conversation with him or else it's a setback for me. For some reason he has started emailing me (of course because I've gone dark) and it does not bother me to read them. I used to feel bad not responding, respond, he'd ignore me and the cycle would continue. Now do not feel bad and have literally just not responded. In person I literally say nothing to him. It is the only way for me to feel okay and not get sucked back in to the obsessive thoughts, texting and crying.

 

It took me a very long time to get to that point, I'm approaching 8 months out. It takes time.

[Ronnie33]

My AP wasn't a douche bag. We were great friends, he never lied to me. Sometimes I wonder if he was a total asshat it would be easier. We spoke everyday, all day. I know he didn't pick me, he's marrying her but I still want him. I know I can't have him but I still do. I know there was no malicious intent from either side. Our affair wasn't premeditated, we were both going through a rough time and found comfort in eachother. Now his life is perfect and I'm sitting here on Love Shack.

Edited August 8, 2016 by Ronnie33

[Chica80]

My AP wasn't a douche bag. We were great friends, he never lied to me. Now his life is perfect and I'm sitting here on Love Shack.

 

 

Uuugggghhh I feel you!!! I know the feeling

[MidnightBlue1980]

My AP wasn't a douche bag. We were great friends, he never lied to me. Sometimes I wonder if he was a total asshat it would be easier. We spoke everyday, all day. I know he didn't pick me, he's marrying her but I still want him. I know I can't have him but I still do. I know there was no malicious intent from either side. Our affair wasn't premeditated, we were both going through a rough time and found comfort in eachother. Now his life is perfect and I'm sitting here on Love Shack.

 

I doubt his life is perfect but I do get you. I feel I saved xMM's marriage and his life seems pretty perfect. I see him, it's not just in my mind. He does look happy.

 

The only thing I can suggest is to control what you can control, which are your actions. I took myself out of the equation. He was happy with a weird friendship, and that may be coming for you as it makes them feel like they are still a good guy and they get a piece of everything. I know my ignoring him bothers him (because he told me he cannot do NC). I'm ruining his happy perfect life!

 

That makes a little happy and I feel better without contact. I used to think that was wrong, to ignore him, and maybe I seem like a terrible person to people reading this, but at the end of the day, I have to take care of myself.

[ladydesigner]

To stop the non-stop thoughts, for me, was to give them limited time each day and if they reappeared I made an active effort to push them out. Complete and total NC is the only way to go to get rid of the compulsive thinking. Eventually they become few and far between and eventually become a thought that pops up when you hear or read about an A.

[Lobe]

I gave this advice in another thread... There's a rubber band method where you wear the rubber band on your wrist and snap it every time you think of MM fondly - helps develop a negative association lol. Its supposed to be for quitting smoking but hey - if it works...

 

There's also EFT (similar but not self-harming emofree.com/eft-tutorial/tapping-basics/how-to-do-eft.html) and the eyeball one (also not as self-harming hubpages.com/health/How-To-Do-Self-Administered-EMDR-Therapy).

 

I did a bit of reading about PTSD and while I don't think I'd diagnose myself with it, I felt like I ticked off WAY more of the yes boxes than I would have liked to. I remember not being able to stop thinking about the xOW/playing mind movies and googling "how to stop obsessing" and this article was pretty succinct: 7 Ways to Stop Obsessing | World of Psychology

 

For my WH, the advice he got about breaking the addictive thoughts about his AP was when he thought of the xOW and felt sad or anxious, he was supposed to actively replace it with a positive thought about me/us/our family/himself.

 

Essentially, the process is the same in all of these "methods" in that you are making a conscious choice to stop/derail the thoughts that are haunting you instead of succumbing to them.

[Ronnie33]

Today is my second week of NC and it's been really bad. Yesterday I almost text him but literally had a panic attack as I was about to hit send. Yet, here I am again today wanting to again. What the hell is wrong with me.

 

 

I know I want to text him for validation that he still cares and misses me. I know that nothing will change and I'll feel like crap after, but for some reason I can't stop thinking about it.

 

Maybe I should take up smoking again to replace one addiction with the other!!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Today is my second week of NC and it's been really bad. Yesterday I almost text him but literally had a panic attack as I was about to hit send. Yet, here I am again today wanting to again. What the hell is wrong with me.

 

 

I know I want to text him for validation that he still cares and misses me. I know that nothing will change and I'll feel like crap after, but for some reason I can't stop thinking about it.

 

Maybe I should take up smoking again to replace one addiction with the other!!

 

I'm taking a break from LS but I saw your name. What you are feeling is normal, just keep telling yourself - he is about to marry another woman. I am sure he feels the same as he did last week, but as we have said on our thread, what does it matter how much they love us when they are not available?

 

This guy is even worse as he is actively making the conscious choice to marry another woman - he can still stop this from happening. If he really wanted to be with you, he would break the engagement. He's not even married yet. He could do it.

 

I am sorry to say that. I know it is tough to read. You just deserve a whole lot better. If there is a chance at all, you must stay NC, otherwise he will think he can get married and have both.

 

Stay strong!

[Ronnie33]

You're right and I know. It's so pointless but feels so overwhelming.

[imsosad]

Ugh.

I remember the horrible,sinking,panicky feeling.

At 2 weeks NC I was such a mess, so broken and lost.

You must remember that more contact only holds more pain for you. It will bring very temporary relief and then it will hurt worse. If you break nc, you will lose faith in your own strength and determination. If are not cool.with being a disposal second best, fight it. Fight it. The urge to break nc is like a wave. Let it wash over and go away. Breathe through it and remember your end point, your goal. Being some engaged man's mistress is not it.

Be strong, i know it hurts. You can do it.

[Lobe]

You're right and I know. It's so pointless but feels so overwhelming.

 

Do you have anything you can do (besides smoking lol) to occupy your time? Do you write? Paint? Surf? Ride a bike? Is there something you gave up that you think you'd like to take up again? I hear macrame plant hangers and owls are making a comeback...

[Ronnie33]

Do you have anything you can do (besides smoking lol) to occupy your time? Do you write? Paint? Surf? Ride a bike? Is there something you gave up that you think you'd like to take up again? I hear macrame plant hangers and owls are making a comeback...

 

You make me laugh Lobe.

 

Being at work is a huge trigger because this is when we would talk. I have work to do but it's not helping.

 

Once I'm home I'm ok because we never talked once we were out of work.

Edited August 24, 2016 by Ronnie33

[Lobe]

You make me laugh Lobe.

 

Being at work is a huge trigger because this is when we would talk. I have work to do but it's not helping.

 

Once I'm home I'm ok because we never talked once we were out of work.

 

So, uh - I'm assuming you're not independently wealthy and can just quit your job then... bummer.

 

There's that rubber band thing - you put one on your wrist and every time you think about it, you snap the band. Apparently it creates a negative association (and no I'm not making that up - it's a real thing lol.) I suppose you could get a bat and smack yourself on the shin, too, if a rubber band was proving too lightweight.

 

Just remember that this is about YOU putting yourself first. Think about it as empowering yourself. You're frickin' She-ra today.

[Ronnie33]

So, uh - I'm assuming you're not independently wealthy and can just quit your job then... bummer.

 

There's that rubber band thing - you put one on your wrist and every time you think about it, you snap the band. Apparently it creates a negative association (and no I'm not making that up - it's a real thing lol.) I suppose you could get a bat and smack yourself on the shin, too, if a rubber band was proving too lightweight.

 

Just remember that this is about YOU putting yourself first. Think about it as empowering yourself. You're frickin' She-ra today.

 

No, quitting my job is not an option lol.

 

I'm just going to punch myself in the face everytime I think of him, that should do the trick.

[Lobe]

No, quitting my job is not an option lol.

 

I'm just going to punch myself in the face everytime I think of him, that should do the trick.

 

"The first rule about NC club, is there is no NC club..."

[Grey Cloud]

I'm 5 weeks NC and I fight the urge to contact him everyday. It takes time for the addiction to stop and re-build the neural pathways in the brain so you don't get a dopamine hit when contacting him. The first three weeks are the hardest as it takes 21 days to build a new habit but it can take months or longer to break an addiction.

 

Just keep reminding yourself that breaking NC won't achieve anything and won't change anything. He will still be getting married. Are you friends on Facebook? I would block him on FB if you are - you don't need triggers right now. The less you know about his life the better.

 

Keep taking baby steps forward. If you stick to NC imagine in a year from now how much better you will feel, how much stronger you will be and you may even have met someone new where you can be in a real relationship and not somebody's secret. Hang in there!!