It's been awhile

[Poppy47]

I am ABSOLUTELY 18 weeks NC.

 

We all forget what normal is like. I go to bed and sleep 9 hours now.

 

I used to sleep very badly during the A.

 

It feels better in every way.

I am happy with everyday routine and small things. The desire for the excitement and drama has disappeared.

 

Keep going.

Poppy.

[Patrice]

Get some paper - outline, why you are cutting him off. How about this? He made you feel like feces, he lies, he is sneaky, you didn't feel good about yourself when you were involved with him. Now, onto YOU. Why did you allow this person to do this to you? You are worth more than to be treated like a 2nd fiddle. You deserve to be happy, loved in full daylight and with all the benefits of being a number 1. You deserve honesty. You deserve love.

[Ronnie33]

I have to vent. It's been two weeks since I had any contact with my AP. He's getting married in two weeks and I told him not to text me anymore. It finally has to be over.

 

What I can't get over is that he's marrying her. The girl who he didn't see a future with when our affair started. The girl he wished was me. Yes I was married and it took me two years to leave my husband,but if he really wanted to be with me, how the hell can you fall in love with the same girl you didn't want to be with. We were friends for a year before the affair started. I was there when he started dating her but was in love with me. That went on for a year and then all of a sudden he loves her and sees a future but doesn't want to stop seeing me because he cares for me too. How?? Maybe if I can understand then I can move on.

 

3 years for nothing.

 

I just don't get it.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I have to vent. It's been two weeks since I had any contact with my AP. He's getting married in two weeks and I told him not to text me anymore. It finally has to be over.

 

What I can't get over is that he's marrying her. The girl who he didn't see a future with when our affair started. The girl he wished was me. Yes I was married and it took me two years to leave my husband,but if he really wanted to be with me, how the hell can you fall in love with the same girl you didn't want to be with. We were friends for a year before the affair started. I was there when he started dating her but was in love with me. That went on for a year and then all of a sudden he loves her and sees a future but doesn't want to stop seeing me because he cares for me too. How?? Maybe if I can understand then I can move on.

 

3 years for nothing.

 

I just don't get it.

 

I say this with kindness. He was not going to marry a woman who cheated on her husband with him. He probably does love you but it is not the same love with which a man loves his wife. What can I tell you, these guys, they hold different standards for the women they marry. We are good enough for the side piece, the fun piece, the hot, sexy piece- but not the marrying piece. I'm just using marrying, I know you didn't want to up and marry him, neither did I. I'm quoting from all the posts I see here from guys. I have read it here over and over, it must be true.

 

Listen, I have a guy friend. He had an affair while married. It did end but they kept in contact. A year later he filed for divorce for reasons having nothing to do with this woman. The OW actually filed for divorce too, her own reasons as well. But my friend? He chose a young, single woman to date. He did not want the OW because she reminded him of the dark days of his life. Plus he knew if they got together, it would be a serious relationship. He wanted fun and light and new. The OW did not do anything wrong, she played it perfectly. No demands, acted cool, and is very pretty, I've seen pics. But he just wanted a fresh start. Oh and he did sleep with the OW a few times because that is how guys are. And he's a nice guy, honestly. Men are men. Just because they are the nicest guys in the world does not mean they have your best interests at heart - they have their own.

 

I reread the older posts, and saw my own. I can't believe no one gave you this advice. Good grief woman, go out and have some fun of your own. You want to know how to get over a man? Go meet a new one.

 

Haven't you suffered long enough over this guy? Don't you deserve some happiness?

 

Oh and as for your original question, it goes away. I have zero attraction and have no idea what I saw in him. In fact I did not recognize my post from a month ago. I was in the fog, but I'm in the sun now. I'm rooting for you Ronnie! Come into the sun.

[Grey Cloud]

It's always hard letting go when you don't have the answers.

 

Maybe his relationship with you has always been messy, in secret etc. You were still with your husband when he wanted to be with you and then when you were single he was with his now finacee. Maybe to the outside world the appearance of boy meets unattached girl, falls in love and gets married is a better image to uphold?

 

There is no doubt he cares for you and has strong feelings for you that he can't let go of but ultimately he has made his decision. Surely he must be coming to grips with the fact that he can't have two women in his life moving forwards? If there was a d-day his whole life would be turned on its head.

 

That's all I can think of - he has feelings for two women but chose the 'easier' path?

 

Editing to add that I just saw midnight's post. That makes complete sense - they never really choose the OW because she was willing to cheat and so they ultimately will never trust her. It's a complete double standard but the truth. Which goes back to the point I was trying to make - his relationship with you is messy. His relationship with his soon to be wife is more clean cut.

Edited September 8, 2016 by Grey Cloud

[Ronnie33]

I don't think me cheating was the reason he moved on with her. He waited a year for me, if me being a cheater bothered him then he wouldn't have. Plus he was cheating on his gf with me.

 

I do think that she was the safer option and once he got more involved with her, he realized how much more complicated a relationship with me we would have been.

 

It would be have been nicer if he realized this sooner.

[Lostgirl186]

Im startingnthisbthread because im curious and others input. I've been NC now since Thursday. It's already been non stop thoughts of him in my mind. The thoughts are all sexual though. My back story is here but it was a three year affair. We were friends for a year before it started and became very close.

 

We have insane chemistry between us and the everything for the past three years has been rawly intense, to say the least. Everytime we have gone NC I have missed him and the friendship but the fantasies over take me. I can't stop replaying everything we did. I know this is why affairs are so addicting, because you are stuck in this limerance stage.

 

Anyway I guess what I'm getting at is that no matter how much I think I love him, I'm way more addicted to him and the feeling he gives me. I haven't been able to get it anywhere else. How do you stop your mind from thinking about it?

When you ended the affair did you crave this person? And if yes how did you eventually get over it. I feel like I'm withdrawing from a drug and it's only been a few days.

 

 

This sounds like me.. Day 8 forced NC - he blocked me after latest physical encounter..instead of being angry and focusing on all the pain, I replay the physical things in my mind- how good it felt, how good it could feel etc.. I agree I think it's the addiction

[Chica80]

I don't think me cheating was the reason he moved on with her. He waited a year for me, if me being a cheater bothered him then he wouldn't have. Plus he was cheating on his gf with me.

 

I do think that she was the safer option and once he got more involved with her, he realized how much more complicated a relationship with me we would have been.

 

It would be have been nicer if he realized this sooner.

 

Ronnie I do think he loved you, but I think the longer he was with her the more he fell in love with her. She's new and a "fresh start"......

However I don't think this is the end. I think he will try to come back because he thinks he can.

The last time as soon as he saw you, you said he kissed you.

It's hurtful I understand. But if he wanted to be with you. HE would be with you. Not keep you a secret.

[Lobe]

 

My WH said he would never have had a real relationship with his AP because he would never have bene able to look at her without feeling the guilt and shame of how the relationship started and what it did to me and his children. As always, it's important to make a distinction between exit affairs and opportunistic affairs - in an exit affair, chances are good the marriage was really over before the affair started whereas ones that happen only because of circumstances conducive to making poor life choices.

 

I understand that a lot of WSs say to their AP, "I feel like I'm more myself with you than I am with my BS," but that is code for, "You make me feel shiny and new," not, "I want my marriage to end." Always remember this: whatever version of the "truth" you are getting from the WS is at best half the story, and at that only the half the WS wants you to know. Even if their marriage is on the cusp of completely deteriorating, if they are having an affair, they are lying to their BS which means you are nothing more than the dirty little secret.

 

Ronnie, whether your AP loved you or not is irrelevant - actions speak louder than words. If he was truly unhappy about getting married to his fiancee, if he really felt like he wanted it to be YOU and not her, he would make that happen. You clung to hope and allowed him to string you along - OWN THAT, because there is power in not letting yourself feel like a hapless victim. Find that anger you so desperately need to slam the door on this and find someone who not only deserved but actually values the love and commitment you want to give.

[Ronnie33]

I haven't posted here in about a year but my story is on here. Last time I posted my AP was getting married and I was trying to end the affair. Well, he got married, we didn't speak for over a months and then as youbcan guess, he came back, and like an idiot I went back. I am now divorced from my ex husband who never found out about the affair. I have dated and been interested in a few men but am always drawn back to my AP. Im so over it. It's not like we have sex often. It's mostly us speaking everyday and seeing eachother when we can. I can't believe it's been 4 years. Today I told him I need a break and he got mad and said I do this every few months. I still care for him deeply but I finally see it for what it is. Two flawed people who are now just cake eating. I believe we love eachother on some level, I think after four years you would have to be a sociopath not to.

 

We ended the conversation with me cursing him out, which is something I never do. He told me "you know how to reach me". I haven't seen him in two weeks but I know how NC goes. The beginning isn't too bad but then after a few weeks it gets rough. If this isn't insanity I don't know what is.

 

I don't really have a question, just wanted to update while I sit here shaking my head at myself for staying on this hamster wheel.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I haven't posted here in about a year but my story is on here. Last time I posted my AP was getting married and I was trying to end the affair. Well, he got married, we didn't speak for over a months and then as youbcan guess, he came back, and like an idiot I went back. I am now divorced from my ex husband who never found out about the affair. I have dated and been interested in a few men but am always drawn back to my AP. Im so over it. It's not like we have sex often. It's mostly us speaking everyday and seeing eachother when we can. I can't believe it's been 4 years. Today I told him I need a break and he got mad and said I do this every few months. I still care for him deeply but I finally see it for what it is. Two flawed people who are now just cake eating. I believe we love eachother on some level, I think after four years you would have to be a sociopath not to.

 

We ended the conversation with me cursing him out, which is something I never do. He told me "you know how to reach me". I haven't seen him in two weeks but I know how NC goes. The beginning isn't too bad but then after a few weeks it gets rough. If this isn't insanity I don't know what is.

 

I don't really have a question, just wanted to update while I sit here shaking my head at myself for staying on this hamster wheel.

 

Ronnie. This is a blast from the past. It is good to hear from you.

 

I'm still here. I'm over 6 months NC and 1.5 years out of it and I have to tell you, I feel nothing and it is sweet.

 

I was in such a hole for 2 years and I'm out. No one is putting me back in.

 

I'm glad you are at least free to now meet other men and move on . Move on and don't look back here.

[rumblefish12]

Ronnie: Mine was 4 years plus with NC so many times I've lost count. The last NC was 8 months. Then, right back into the daily contact and same morass. We were only together once in the couple of months back in contact. And now NC once again. It has been 10 days. This time was a little different in that there were no proclamations or pronouncements, just a fade. It has a different feel. Hopefully it's for good, but you're right about the first couple of weeks and then you start thinking of just the good times. It's a unique torture.

I always said it was like that move Pet Cemetery, where every time something came back from the dead it was slightly more warped and askew. That's the repetition of NC. Until your A is a full on zombie. LOL. Hang in there, with me and the rest of us gluttons for punishment.

[Chica80]

RONNIE!!!! I've thought of you so often and how you were...

 

I figured you were still in.

 

It sucks I'm sorry.....not any better here..

 

Rumble is that you?

All we need is OUT, and some others of that long lost thread.....

 

It's awful the emotions, the feelings the pulls, the pain, and somehow the toxic comfort in a way of the "known"

[Aqulesco]

this is so sad to read. i read all your other threads too. in five years you will be five years older, lonely and unable to have a real relationship because this sociopath narcissistic jerk will keep stringing you along.

 

when a man in a committed relatioship/marriage grooms an affair partner it is someone he sees as disposable. you feed his ego and you give him extra sex. even though you say you dont have sex all the time and appreciate his conversations Im sure hes always dropping sexual innuendos at you. This is toxic. he is evil

[Ronnie33]

Ronnie. This is a blast from the past. It is good to hear from you.

 

I'm still here. I'm over 6 months NC and 1.5 years out of it and I have to tell you, I feel nothing and it is sweet.

 

I was in such a hole for 2 years and I'm out. No one is putting me back in.

 

I'm glad you are at least free to now meet other men and move on . Move on and don't look back here.

 

Im so happy you are over it. I have met other men and seen a few I really liked. I'm not waiting for AP at all and I'm not limiting myself. It's just so hard to once and for all say I'm totally done and never look back. I hate him one day and don't the next.

[Ronnie33]

Ronnie: Mine was 4 years plus with NC so many times I've lost count. The last NC was 8 months. Then, right back into the daily contact and same morass. We were only together once in the couple of months back in contact. And now NC once again. It has been 10 days. This time was a little different in that there were no proclamations or pronouncements, just a fade. It has a different feel. Hopefully it's for good, but you're right about the first couple of weeks and then you start thinking of just the good times. It's a unique torture.

I always said it was like that move Pet Cemetery, where every time something came back from the dead it was slightly more warped and askew. That's the repetition of NC. Until your A is a full on zombie. LOL. Hang in there, with me and the rest of us gluttons for punishment.

 

I looked back and remember your story. A year later and we are both back here. Pet cemetery is right, lol.

 

Good luck.

[Ronnie33]

RONNIE!!!! I've thought of you so often and how you were...

 

I figured you were still in.

 

It sucks I'm sorry.....not any better here..

 

Rumble is that you?

All we need is OUT, and some others of that long lost thread.....

 

It's awful the emotions, the feelings the pulls, the pain, and somehow the toxic comfort in a way of the "known"

 

Thank you sunshine. Our stories had a lot in common and here we still are. The thing is, I'm over it in so many ways. I just don't know hot to totally let go. Four years is a long time. Despite how wrong it is, it becomes a normal part of your life. You get used to the dysfunction and the pain. You become numb to it at times. Its the hamster wheel of hell.

[Ronnie33]

this is so sad to read. i read all your other threads too. in five years you will be five years older, lonely and unable to have a real relationship because this sociopath narcissistic jerk will keep stringing you along.

 

when a man in a committed relatioship/marriage grooms an affair partner it is someone he sees as disposable. you feed his ego and you give him extra sex. even though you say you dont have sex all the time and appreciate his conversations Im sure hes always dropping sexual innuendos at you. This is toxic. he is evil

 

He didn't groom me. I was married, he was single when this started. Yes, now it has gone so far beyond what I ever thought possible, but there was no secret planning in the beginning. We were just two lonely people who entered into the perfect storm. **** happens. Now I just need to get out of it. I'm not sitting home waiting for him. I'm divorced, I date, but I'm comfortable with him and trust him. I know it's hard to understand, but it's not just sex. We have been through a lot together the past few years. We were good friends for at year before this started. Yes, the sex is great but that came two years after the affair started. It was highly emotional before anything physical started.

Edited June 21, 2017 by Ronnie33

[Grey Cloud]

Ronnie - even though I have not been physical with my xMM for over a year, we have slowly got back to almost daily contact for the last 5 months. I thought I was doing well before then and thought I had moved on. But it didn't take much to regress. I went NC today. I am slowly losing my sanity (again) and becoming jealous and irrational (again). I am addicted to the whole twisted thing and I really need to break free completely once and for all.

[Grey Cloud]

Thank you sunshine. Our stories had a lot in common and here we still are. The thing is, I'm over it in so many ways. I just don't know hot to totally let go. Four years is a long time. Despite how wrong it is, it becomes a normal part of your life. You get used to the dysfunction and the pain. You become numb to it at times. Its the hamster wheel of hell.

 

Couldn't agree more.

[rumblefish12]

It's like we are getting the band back together!

 

I hope all of you have an obsession free day.

[rumblefish12]

GC: I know exactly what you mean. This last time around, NC for 8 months! Then very quickly got back into daily contact for maybe 2 months. In that two months, only together physically once for about an hour. You would think without the physical contact that we'd be less susceptible to all the NC withdrawals ... NOPE. So twisted. Time to be free. Think how much more life we have to live and how much time is wasted stewing about this BS.

[Ronnie33]

It's like we are getting the band back together!

 

I hope all of you have an obsession free day.

 

This made me laugh so hard!

[Ronnie33]

My AP and I went through phases where we didn't touch for months. It didn't make the intensity any less. It really is a mental addiction. I can just think of him and get turned on, instantly. I can also think of him and want to punch him and at the same time want to touch him.

 

We fill a void in eachother that's missing. I'm trying to figure out for myself what exactly that is.

[Transitions12]

RONNIE your story is the same as mine!! Thank you for sharing...its been 2 years...Im married, he was single, now he has a live in gf. I dont plan on divorcing any time soon, but the way you describe the cycle is amazingingly ON POINT. I hate him, i tell him off, we go NC , then we get back into again, rinse repeat. I am on day 6 NC and I saw him last night as he went to my gym time.So I started back the contact again, after he ignored me completely. THe contact did not end well it ended with him telling me he was tired of me and I said good im glad. IM TIRED OF THIS situation. The fantasies of sex when im without him are crazy, like you describe!! an addiction. I hate that I keep going back. Its been 3 weeks since sex. I plan on it being the end this time.