Transitions12 Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 My AP and I went through phases where we didn't touch for months. It didn't make the intensity any less. It really is a mental addiction. I can just think of him and get turned on, instantly. I can also think of him and want to punch him and at the same time want to touch him. We fill a void in eachother that's missing. I'm trying to figure out for myself what exactly that is. SAME same same 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronnie33 Posted June 21, 2017 Author Share Posted June 21, 2017 Transition....It is a viscious cycle. My AP and I were good friends for a year before the affair started. I helped him through a very rough time and during that period my marriage was falling apart and we fell for eachother. The perfect storm they say....anyway, he wanted to be with me and leave my husband but my son was young at the time and I was scared. He moved on with someone else but never fully. Now he's married, I'm divorced and here we are...still. I can't believe it has been this long. We hardly ever fight and he never says hurtful things to me. I am much more the "emotional" one. Hes very calm and that's what I always loved about him but now I almost like it better when he gets upset about things, at least I know he's feeling things too. These relationships are so insane and will just make you lose your mind. It's not worth it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Transitions12 Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 Transition....It is a viscious cycle. My AP and I were good friends for a year before the affair started. I helped him through a very rough time and during that period my marriage was falling apart and we fell for eachother. The perfect storm they say....anyway, he wanted to be with me and leave my husband but my son was young at the time and I was scared. He moved on with someone else but never fully. Now he's married, I'm divorced and here we are...still. I can't believe it has been this long. We hardly ever fight and he never says hurtful things to me. I am much more the "emotional" one. Hes very calm and that's what I always loved about him but now I almost like it better when he gets upset about things, at least I know he's feeling things too. These relationships are so insane and will just make you lose your mind. It's not worth it. So true, yours sounds nice. Mine is a butthole...seriously. Hes never said anything nice really to me. He is very guarded . I dont know why I even stayed this long, but the connection and sex are amazing. BUt he does not give me anything really emotionally. I just got attached bc I guess I have no self worth. Reading your story really helped me, I hope you can move on, heck I hope we both can move on!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 Im so happy you are over it. I have met other men and seen a few I really liked. I'm not waiting for AP at all and I'm not limiting myself. It's just so hard to once and for all say I'm totally done and never look back. I hate him one day and don't the next. I don't know if you read my story at the end but it really was out of my control. His wife saw my email saying I was blocking him and leave me alone, and it all unraveled for him. She removed him as he was tormenting me and that was that. It was really painful for me...until one day, it was just gone. No one in my real life can understand but it was like I was in this hole for 2 years - 2 years! - and I couldn't get out of it. I tried everything. It was the contact, even though it was long over. It feels so good to be out of the hole and I am not letting anyone put me back in. I've since removed people from my life without hesitation, mainly guy friends who are inappropriate but also women who don't add anything positive to my life. I finally feel free, I'm out of the hole. And I'm never going back in. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 (edited) So true, yours sounds nice. Mine is a butthole...seriously. Hes never said anything nice really to me. He is very guarded . I dont know why I even stayed this long, but the connection and sex are amazing. BUt he does not give me anything really emotionally. I just got attached bc I guess I have no self worth. Reading your story really helped me, I hope you can move on, heck I hope we both can move on!!! Slightly off topic, but I once read an article that stated a relationship like you describe (not affairs all relationships) is really a person trying to fix a past relationship normally with a parent that had the same pitfalls.that a normally secure confident person can find themselves insecure as they push to make up for that lost connection. If you had an abusive father you would likely stay in an abusive relationship. Thinking this time I can fix it. Edited June 21, 2017 by DKT3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rumblefish12 Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 That's interesting. I would add that you always think the prior problems with the same relationship can be resolved THIS time around. It never works that way in my experience. It seems I compare everything to a movie, but it's like that movie Edge of Tomorrow, where they keep living the same events over and over trying to get it just right, standing in the right place at the right time, saying/doing just the right thing. Over and over in a time loop. Yeah, that's an A ... except our movies don't end well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 That's interesting. I would add that you always think the prior problems with the same relationship can be resolved THIS time around. It never works that way in my experience. It seems I compare everything to a movie, but it's like that movie Edge of Tomorrow, where they keep living the same events over and over trying to get it just right, standing in the right place at the right time, saying/doing just the right thing. Over and over in a time loop. Yeah, that's an A ... except our movies don't end well. Yup........ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grey Cloud Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Rumble - crazy to think after 8 months of no contact one can still fall back in! It shows how easy it is to regress. Ronnie - my thoughts are all sexual as well and I have not been physical with him for soooooo long! So I know it's all mental/fantasy on my part. There is part of my brain that can rationally stand back from the whole thing and see it for what it really is and see him for who he is really is and then the other part of my brain takes over that craves contact. And most of the time I get disappointed even with that! So I know this "thing" that has a hold on me is not even close to anything real or amazing or special. Just a stupid addiction that brings no real reward nor benefit 3 Link to post Share on other sites
rumblefish12 Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Rumble - crazy to think after 8 months of no contact one can still fall back in! It shows how easy it is to regress. Ronnie - my thoughts are all sexual as well and I have not been physical with him for soooooo long! So I know it's all mental/fantasy on my part. There is part of my brain that can rationally stand back from the whole thing and see it for what it really is and see him for who he is really is and then the other part of my brain takes over that craves contact. And most of the time I get disappointed even with that! So I know this "thing" that has a hold on me is not even close to anything real or amazing or special. Just a stupid addiction that brings no real reward nor benefit GC - knowledge/awareness is half the battle. It's the other half of the battle that sucks so bad. LOL 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronnie33 Posted June 22, 2017 Author Share Posted June 22, 2017 Rumble - crazy to think after 8 months of no contact one can still fall back in! It shows how easy it is to regress. Ronnie - my thoughts are all sexual as well and I have not been physical with him for soooooo long! So I know it's all mental/fantasy on my part. There is part of my brain that can rationally stand back from the whole thing and see it for what it really is and see him for who he is really is and then the other part of my brain takes over that craves contact. And most of the time I get disappointed even with that! So I know this "thing" that has a hold on me is not even close to anything real or amazing or special. Just a stupid addiction that brings no real reward nor benefit Our sex is great but I know it's the affair that makes it that way. I am not saying that we wouldn't have great sex in a regular relationship, because we would, our sexual techniques and preferences are the same. But I do know that after 4 years on a regular relationship that the intensity and passion of the sex would lessen a lot. It's natural in any long term relationship. However in affairs younstay in that "new and passionate phase forever" and that's what so addicting. I know this and I realize this and still haven't been able to walk away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
deadsoul Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 Rumble - crazy to think after 8 months of no contact one can still fall back in! It shows how easy it is to regress. Ronnie - my thoughts are all sexual as well and I have not been physical with him for soooooo long! So I know it's all mental/fantasy on my part. There is part of my brain that can rationally stand back from the whole thing and see it for what it really is and see him for who he is really is and then the other part of my brain takes over that craves contact. And most of the time I get disappointed even with that! So I know this "thing" that has a hold on me is not even close to anything real or amazing or special. Just a stupid addiction that brings no real reward nor benefit Grey... I remember reading your story when I was in my A... did you ever end up confessing? I hope you're able to remain NC. Look forward, not back. One day at a time. You can do it. What happened to Outofmysystem? Did anyone stay in contact? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deadsoul Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I don't know if you read my story at the end but it really was out of my control. His wife saw my email saying I was blocking him and leave me alone, and it all unraveled for him. She removed him as he was tormenting me and that was that. It was really painful for me...until one day, it was just gone. No one in my real life can understand but it was like I was in this hole for 2 years - 2 years! - and I couldn't get out of it. I tried everything. It was the contact, even though it was long over. It feels so good to be out of the hole and I am not letting anyone put me back in. I've since removed people from my life without hesitation, mainly guy friends who are inappropriate but also women who don't add anything positive to my life. I finally feel free, I'm out of the hole. And I'm never going back in. I look forward to the day I can say that it is all gone and I'm free. I'm working hard to get there, I know it's going to take time. I am already in a way better place than I was. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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