he won't have sex with me unless i give him money ...i'm addicted to him ...

[meta.morphate]

I was crying last night . I already said I'm not doing "no contact" with this guy because I feel like in order to be fully done with him, I have to be able to respond and say "no" ... or else not answer because I chose not to answer, but not because he's blocked.

 

 

He wanted me to give him money last night to get bud, and he's been really mean to me all week, I've tried explaining to him why I'm not seeing him, what I don't like about this situation, etc. I still haven't seen him since Father's day. A week and a half. His responses have made me more mad and have just ... elevated my blood pressure and causes me mental distress, when previously I was chilling and I've been feeling stronger and better. I even told my best friend I've been feeling happier without him. And my friend at work and I are keeping a tally on a sticky note that we titled "empowerment" of how long we have both been staying away from the toxic males in our lives.

 

 

Anyways, I started giving this dude really short and concise answers when he texts me, and only making "I" statements, so he can't really argue with anything because I'm not talking about HIM, I'm talking about ME, but last night ... he wanted me to do some scheme with him that involved me taking out $100 from my account and buying yay with it and selling $60 of it to someone else, so I would only technically be "losing" $40 ..... and I refused, and he stated talking so bad to me.

 

 

He was saying there are plenty of you's and don't get mad when I'm ****ing the next girl and don't need you for anything, and lets see what kind of booty call you end up with, and just so many mean things that came so unexpectedly. As much as I've described how much of a jerk he is, he has never spoken to me like that. Like so savage and mean. I told him, "Don't contact me again. Stay away from me and out of my life." He said he won't and he is blocking me and he better not get any private calls from my psycho ass (I don't even call him) ... then he messages me like an hour later saying, "It was never just about the money, I could get money anywhere, by scheming or doing whatever, it's just that I would rather be with you ...there are plenty of people to hang out with and spend time with, and I've always rathered it be you."

 

 

SO I don't know I just feel crappy sort of.

[BluesPower]

You understand... that he is just a no good thug don't you?

 

Everything he is doing and saying is just to manipulate you and control you.

 

It really should not matter how good the guy is in the sack, he is just a total creep. You deserve so much better that this jerk.

[don't talk to me]

I was crying last night . I already said I'm not doing "no contact" with this guy because I feel like in order to be fully done with him, I have to be able to respond and say "no" ... or else not answer because I chose not to answer, but not because he's blocked.

 

 

He wanted me to give him money last night to get bud, and he's been really mean to me all week, I've tried explaining to him why I'm not seeing him, what I don't like about this situation, etc. I still haven't seen him since Father's day. A week and a half. His responses have made me more mad and have just ... elevated my blood pressure and causes me mental distress, when previously I was chilling and I've been feeling stronger and better. I even told my best friend I've been feeling happier without him. And my friend at work and I are keeping a tally on a sticky note that we titled "empowerment" of how long we have both been staying away from the toxic males in our lives.

 

 

Anyways, I started giving this dude really short and concise answers when he texts me, and only making "I" statements, so he can't really argue with anything because I'm not talking about HIM, I'm talking about ME, but last night ... he wanted me to do some scheme with him that involved me taking out $100 from my account and buying yay with it and selling $60 of it to someone else, so I would only technically be "losing" $40 ..... and I refused, and he stated talking so bad to me.

 

 

He was saying there are plenty of you's and don't get mad when I'm ****ing the next girl and don't need you for anything, and lets see what kind of booty call you end up with, and just so many mean things that came so unexpectedly. As much as I've described how much of a jerk he is, he has never spoken to me like that. Like so savage and mean. I told him, "Don't contact me again. Stay away from me and out of my life." He said he won't and he is blocking me and he better not get any private calls from my psycho ass (I don't even call him) ... then he messages me like an hour later saying, "It was never just about the money, I could get money anywhere, by scheming or doing whatever, it's just that I would rather be with you ...there are plenty of people to hang out with and spend time with, and I've always rathered it be you."

 

 

SO I don't know I just feel crappy sort of.

 

yuck, he sucks. you did very well, keep at it. i promise it will get better.

[d0nnivain]

Go NC. Make this as easy on yourself as possible.

 

 

You are stronger every day you stay away.

 

 

Do get into therapy. the therapist won't judge. The therapist will help you figure out why you let this guy do this to you in the first place. Knowing that will help you stay strong & prevent it from happening again.

 

 

Meanwhile keep yourself busy, Lots of girls' nights. Posting here. Exercise. Do whatever you have to do to stay away from him. He's awful.

[meta.morphate]

The girls nights have been helping. I missed so many nights with my friends because I was hiding in my house with him ... I went out with the girls last Thursday, played cards and chilled with friends Friday, went to the beach Sunday ... its been so nice to be with my REAL friends.

 

 

 

Oh, and gym tonight:) We're doing a weight loss challenge at work, first prize three hundred dollars ... I'm setting my sights on that. So at least if I have nothing else to think about or distract myself, there's that.

 

And posting here helps. I've always written in a notebook, and I started writing in my notebook this morning but decided to post about last night here instead, and its so much better because I actually get responses and it's not just me talking to myself all the time.

[stillafool]

Loveshack is nice but you need a professional to help you understand why you accept this treatment from men. The therapist will answer your questions right away also. You will never get over him if you continue to communicate with him. I don't think you want to stop hearing from him.

[meta.morphate]

I don't think you want to stop hearing from him.

 

 

In a way, this is true. I feel anxious when he doesn't hit me up, but then when he does hit me up, I feel panicked because I know I'm not ready to see him or not wanting to see him or not in a place where I'm okay to see him ... but its hard for me to resist him. So it's like I'm more at peace when I'm not seeing him, but more anxious about not hearing from him ... it's just this crazy cluster **** that makes no sense no matter what way I look at it.

 

 

But then it's like ... I don't know what I'm expecting to hear from him. The absolute best case scenario would be , he says he wants to be with me - and not only would he never do that, but that could never happen and that's not even what I would want. I could never bring him around my friends or family, he would cheat on me for sure because he's just like that ... I know he's not for me. So I don't know what he could possibly say that I need to hear.

[meta.morphate]

I just contacted someone to try to get an appointment for therapy. I feel terrified. I am getting my Master's in Social Work and also work in an adult mental health program, so I know and spend time with a lot of therapists ... and because I DID therapy at my internship this past year, and I know what a mess I am, I question whether anyone can help me. I need to try though so fingers crossed that this lady calls me back. I literally feel terrified.

[BaileyB]

It takes such courage to make the call - good for you!

 

You have probably made the best decision you could make! The best decision that you have made in a very long time! Have faith, everything will work out. You just need a little help to sort things out. There is no shame in that. I believe that you will get there...

[spiderowl]

Somehow this situation developed because you were vulnerable and needed someone close. This guy exploited you and it gradually became a situation where you were so immersed in it, it was hard to see what was happening. I am glad your instincts showed you that it was so harmful to you and that they have enabled you to be strong and start the process of disentangling yourself. You are literally finding your way to a whole new reality and seeing the past relationship for what it was.

 

I think you are doing incredibly well. I worry that his abusiveness will drag you down, yet at the same time I can see why you have not cut him off completely. Cutting someone off does not necessarily make things make sense. Sometimes it actually helps to see in clear daylight what one has been dealing with. But, if you feel it is harmful to you, then please protect yourself but going no contact. It does make it easier to get over someone if they are not in contact or just about to be in contact. It can leave a hollow but that gradually fades so it is worth it in the long run. Something to consider anyway.

 

Is it possible that at some level you like someone to tell you what to do? Many people would have just said no when he started asking for money or being unfaithful. It could be lack of self-esteem that made you feel you could not expect better from him, but it seems like you were unduly influenced by him. You have shown now how you do not need him bossing you about and how clear-headed you can be. Something within you has decided to resist him. This must come from your unconscious mind and that makes it a very powerful force. I wonder what changed? Can you identify anything that made you suddenly feel differently about what was happening?

 

I think you are on the path out of this painful situation. It was a mixture of pleasure and pain. Bear in mind that with the right person in future you could have pleasure without the pain. That is the goal. You don't have to tolerate misery in order to get something good for a short time. I can see you going from strength to strength here. You just have to make sure that whatever allowed you to fall under his influence will never be able to do that again. You do not want your next relationship to be so harmful.

[preraph]

Don't be afraid of therapy. This is a great gift to yourself. Now after a few visits if you feel you're talking to a wall, you can switch therapists. I had one who didn't have enough life experience to counsel me. You might see if anyone you know has any recommendations or even just look on google and your town and searching for psychologists and then read the reviews, but keep in mind some people only post if they're mad. Good luck. This is a step in the right direction.

[meta.morphate]

Somehow this situation developed because you were vulnerable and needed someone close. This guy exploited you and it gradually became a situation where you were so immersed in it, it was hard to see what was happening. I am glad your instincts showed you that it was so harmful to you and that they have enabled you to be strong and start the process of disentangling yourself. You are literally finding your way to a whole new reality and seeing the past relationship for what it was.

 

I think you are doing incredibly well. I worry that his abusiveness will drag you down, yet at the same time I can see why you have not cut him off completely. Cutting someone off does not necessarily make things make sense. Sometimes it actually helps to see in clear daylight what one has been dealing with. But, if you feel it is harmful to you, then please protect yourself but going no contact. It does make it easier to get over someone if they are not in contact or just about to be in contact. It can leave a hollow but that gradually fades so it is worth it in the long run. Something to consider anyway.

 

Is it possible that at some level you like someone to tell you what to do? Many people would have just said no when he started asking for money or being unfaithful. It could be lack of self-esteem that made you feel you could not expect better from him, but it seems like you were unduly influenced by him. You have shown now how you do not need him bossing you about and how clear-headed you can be. Something within you has decided to resist him. This must come from your unconscious mind and that makes it a very powerful force. I wonder what changed? Can you identify anything that made you suddenly feel differently about what was happening?

 

I think you are on the path out of this painful situation. It was a mixture of pleasure and pain. Bear in mind that with the right person in future you could have pleasure without the pain. That is the goal. You don't have to tolerate misery in order to get something good for a short time. I can see you going from strength to strength here. You just have to make sure that whatever allowed you to fall under his influence will never be able to do that again. You do not want your next relationship to be so harmful.

 

I think that way back when this thing started, this guy seemed like a new and improved version of my boyfriend at the time. I was on the way out of my relationship with my boyfriend, but wasn't ready to leave him yet because I felt like I needed to justify in my head why I didn't want to be with him (because he had no ambition, couldn't make things happen, was always playing the victim of circumstance, had kids he didn't really take care of but felt like he did, no car, menial job that he complied about but wouldn't look for a new one, was emotional and needy and clingy and would have been possessive if he had had the wearwithal to actually follow me around or control me). THIS guy had a good job (same as me), a car, seemed to take care of his kids, showered interest in me, was definitely the hottest guy in the office that me and the other girl I worked with were crushing on - and I felt happy back then, that he 'picked' me - he just seemed like what I wanted. Plus, it was exciting to creep around, at first. But of course, I got attached - especially when I broke up with my man, and this guy was my main distraction, I started craving him more and more.

 

 

I haven't really thought about liking someone telling me what to do - because I would say I am exactly the opposite - but I do let this guy tell me what to do. I am a very argumentative person, and he is as well, and I think he enjoys arguing with me (I don't even mean real fighting, I mean bantering back and forth, even though it gets irritating, I really do think he likes it, and in a way ... I prefer that to a guy who is clingy and needy and 'too nice'). He seems like he's big and ... like powerful, maybe, not really anymore because now he has no job and no car (ha, like my ex) but he always has seemed that way. Kind of.

 

 

I used to think he was "better" than me or MORE than me somehow. I know now that he's not.

 

 

And I hate to say it .... I saw him last night. I gave in. I don't know why. I wanted sex I guess but more than that, I wanted someone to be close with him because I'm used to it ... and we had a good conversation actually, and he gave me a massage ... it was one of the "good" times where we really got along. And he told me , again, he can get money anywhere and its not like I give him a lot and he's winning the lottery, so he "chooses" to spend time with me. Which is bull**** when I step back and look at it, but I also wonder if maybe it's true ... and I also wonder too if maybe I'm too scared to really like, stand up to him, and maybe he's just using that power he had over me because he knows I won't say no, but maybe he really would still come around if I didn't give him anything but he wants me to think he won't. He could be bluffing and I have never been strong enough or brave enough to find out.

 

 

Its a mess, I'm a mess, but I don't feel bad right now.

[BaileyB]

If he could get money anywhere and he doesn't need your money, why does he continue to accept it? He does this, because he is an *********.

 

He "chooses" to spend time with you. Like, you are "lucky" to have him. That's bull$$$$. This man exploits you time and time again, with no remorse.

 

This guy is seriously the lowest of the low. He is a truly terrible person for doing this to you. And, I have absolutely no idea why you allow it to continue...

Edited July 3, 2017 by BaileyB

[darkmoon]

ask him for money - please just do it

 

if he is back in your life...

[meta.morphate]

He will never change. No matter how good the good times seem, they will always be taken away from me and I will have to start from the beginning of getting over it all again, and feeling strong again.

 

 

I called him out on lying. I gave him direct examples of times that he has lied in the past, relative to what we were talking about at the time ... I told him he's a sociopath, and he said, "that's not true, but if it was, what does that make you?" And I said, "What does it make me?" He said, "Crazy. Nuts."

 

 

I said, "What would it make me if I believed the things you say, given the number of times you've lied to me in the past?"

 

 

And he said, "You're just an idiot. Plain and simple. You also have some kind of mental issue. Like you're there but not all the way. I don't understand you sometimes."

 

 

 

 

I feel like that **** is true. So here I am again. Starting over again. It's been four days since that interaction ... haven't seen him since. He tried to hang out yesterday, tried to be nice, but I know he's not. I know that the nice times are not real and will be taken away soon after. I told him, "I'm not playing this game anymore." And he said, "Ok me neither."

 

 

That's all.

[anna121]

Did you give him money again?

[meta.morphate]

Yes.

 

And then all of that stuff that I wrote about earlier happened, the next day after we were together - that was just an interaction through text that I wrote earlier.

 

Earlier today, he tried to tell me he's "sexually frustrated" and wants to hang out later ... I reminded him of what he'd said, about I'm an idiot and mentally ill, and he just said, "Why are you always looking for a reason to be upset? You're always on the bs and I get the **** end of the stick from your attitude. If you want to get up (insert explicit comments here) then lmk."

 

I told him he is invested in not looking at himself or how his behavior affects my attitude or mental issue and this is why I'm not ****ing with him, and I deserve better.

 

He hasn't responded.

[doyathinkso]

What would the name be for a female version of a "John", ... a "Jean"?

[meta.morphate]

^^ Yeah, I get it.

 

 

As the person involved in the situation, its not as simple as that. It's not as easy to get out of the situation and look at it from that perspective.

[meta.morphate]

I'm writing here as an effort to not speak to him, to not give in to him when he speaks to me ... not because I don't know the situation is messed up and that its my fault.

[Zahara]

I'm writing here as an effort to not speak to him, to not give in to him when he speaks to me ... not because I don't know the situation is messed up and that its my fault.

 

It's not as simple but at some point it takes effort and commitment to want to get over this. It's a choice. Taking those difficult steps is the only way. Writing here to keep away from him isn't going to work.

 

Blocking him. Then going through the painful withdrawals. First step.

 

You can't get over this addiction to him unless you detox and that means removing him completely. He is like a drug and keeping yourself accessible is your means of getting that fix -- validation of any kind is still attention, even when it's despicable. And you need it, those bits of attention because you see nothing of value in yourself. His validation, even at its worse is a warped sense of you feeling worthy.

 

Block him. Suffer the pain of the withdrawals. Seek counseling. At this point any pain is much more tolerable than the disgusting and humiliating way he treats you.

Edited July 11, 2017 by Zahara

[stillafool]

I just contacted someone to try to get an appointment for therapy. I feel terrified. I am getting my Master's in Social Work and also work in an adult mental health program, so I know and spend time with a lot of therapists ... and because I DID therapy at my internship this past year, and I know what a mess I am, I question whether anyone can help me. I need to try though so fingers crossed that this lady calls me back. I literally feel terrified.

 

What is the progress on getting a therapist? You need to do this right away. A good therapist can help you more than LoveShack.

[meta.morphate]

It's not as simple but at some point it takes effort and commitment to want to get over this. It's a choice. Taking those difficult steps is the only way. Writing here to keep away from him isn't going to work.

 

Blocking him. Then going through the painful withdrawals. First step.

 

You can't get over this addiction to him unless you detox and that means removing him completely. He is like a drug and keeping yourself accessible is your means of getting that fix -- validation of any kind is still attention, even when it's despicable. And you need it, those bits of attention because you see nothing of value in yourself. His validation, even at its worse is a warped sense of you feeling worthy.

 

Block him. Suffer the pain of the withdrawals. Seek counseling. At this point any pain is much more tolerable than the disgusting and humiliating way he treats you.

 

 

You're right, I know you are. I don't know why I have this mental block about blocking him ... I guess it is because I want the validation of knowing he's trying to contact me, even when I'm not responding to him ... but also, as I mentioned in another post, when he DOES contact me, it immediately puts me in a higher-stress mode than I'm in when he's not hitting me up ...

 

 

So I'm gunna do it today. Kinda like a drug addiction, just for today. And just see how it goes. That's how I kicked my cocaine habit, and there were times that I had to remind myself, I can always go back to that life if I feel like the way I'm living now isn't better. I never would, and I never have .

 

 

It feels hard and scary. But for today, I will block him.

 

 

His response to me yesterday, when I told him that I deserve better, is , "I didn't do anything jeez." I didn't even have words for that.

 

 

So yes, when I leave for work in an hour, he'll be blocked for today and I'll go from there.

 

 

 

 

I have not yet gotten a therapist so I need to get on that - I contacted two people who supposedly are accepting new patients, but didn't get a response, but that was last week during fourth of July week so possibly they're on vacation ... but I plan on contacting others today if I have time and if not, tomorrow on my day off. I don't want to go back to the therapist I've had all my life because I feel like .. she knows me too well maybe? She blames everything on my ADHD, and I think she would blame this on that too, I want someone who doesn't know me at all to just hear my story and give me a new perspective.

[BaileyB]

That sounds like a good plan. I wish you well.

[meta.morphate]

I feel like.. weird and uncomfortable. It was easier when I was at work. I forgot my phone in the car half the day anyways, and I was with my clients, with my co-workers, distracted ...

 

 

now I'm home ... it's raining ... I'm watching Dance Mom's ... I made a sandwich, walked to the store ... read a book for a little ... I'm drinking some wine ...

 

 

But I feel like I don't even know myself. Like now I'm left here ...and what?