Engaged but needs time...

[Steelers10]

Hello,

First ever post here and appreciate your help.

 

My fiancée (23yrs) and I (31yrs) have been together for 2.5 years now. Engaged for about 16mos. We are planning to get married in September and the other day she came home and stated that she's not happy and needs to find herself. I asked her what that means and she just said that she's scared and needs to find out who she is.

 

I asked her if she wanted me to back off a little bit and she said no that she still loves me and wants to be with me but she may want to push the wedding back. I told her last night that I'm willing to do whatever she needs to make it work. I would rather wait 6 months or a year for whatever she needs to be together forever than get married and have her have regrets and lose her.

 

I'm going to back it off and let her start conersations via text or call and still be open with her at the house, we do live together.

 

Any advice or help you guys have for me would be greatly appreciated. We are also meeting with a pastor at our church for guidance as well.

[Gaeta]

She is 23 she is just a kid. She has been dating you since she's what 20-21? She has not even turn into the woman she is meant to be. Before sharing yourself with someone in a marriage you first need to know who you are as a person and as a woman.

 

If I were you I would not delay the wedding, I would cancel it. I would also break the engagement. You can continue dating but as GF-BF. Take away ALL pressure by taking your engagement ring back. You can propose again when she's 25.

[Gr8fuln2020]

She is 23 she is just a kid. She has been dating you since she's what 20-21? She has not even turn into the woman she is meant to be. Before sharing yourself with someone in a marriage you first need to know who you are as a person and as a woman.

 

If I were you I would not delay the wedding, I would cancel it. I would also break the engagement. You can continue dating but as GF-BF. Take away ALL pressure by taking your engagement ring back. You can propose again when she's 25.

 

I need to agree, unfortunately.

 

Her asking for a postponement of the wedding doesn't seem to mean a whole lot to me. I don't know how that will help her to 'find' herself by simply postponing the wedding. I hate to say this, but I really believe she wants to tell you that she doesn't wanted to get married right now or near future.

 

I like what Gaeta has to say. Go back to dating again w/o the specter or a wedding looming over her.

[Gr8fuln2020]

...specter OF a wedding...

[amurb]

Hello,

First ever post here and appreciate your help.

 

My fiancée (23yrs) and I (31yrs) have been together for 2.5 years now. Engaged for about 16mos. We are planning to get married in September and the other day she came home and stated that she's not happy and needs to find herself. I asked her what that means and she just said that she's scared and needs to find out who she is.

 

I asked her if she wanted me to back off a little bit and she said no that she still loves me and wants to be with me but she may want to push the wedding back. I told her last night that I'm willing to do whatever she needs to make it work. I would rather wait 6 months or a year for whatever she needs to be together forever than get married and have her have regrets and lose her.

 

I'm going to back it off and let her start conersations via text or call and still be open with her at the house, we do live together.

 

Any advice or help you guys have for me would be greatly appreciated. We are also meeting with a pastor at our church for guidance as well.

 

I am very sorry this is going on. I am glad you two are still trying to make a go of things and that you are wiling to wait. Patience is a great tool in marriage. Also it's great you are getting counseling too, that will be very helpful. I wish you guys good luck, maybe she is worried about the date coming so quickly, maybe it is something else, just give her what she needs and work on yourself and let things happen naturally. Good luck

[jacekszefunio]

ok come on... why somebody told that she is young? if it really matters? sometimes 17th years girl can be more mature than 39th women. In my opinion you should let her go for while. Maybe she thinks that wants something different but after some days she will find out that being with you is everything what she wants if not... also should let her go.

[PegNosePete]

she's not happy and needs to find herself

Tell her to look in a mirror.

 

99% of the time, anyone who uses this phrase, is cheating on you. Did she use the other common one yet, she loves you but is not in love with you? If not, it's coming soon, believe me.

 

The other 1% of the time she isn't cheating yet but is wondering if there's other guys out there that she could be happier with, and isn't ready to "settle" with you until she's checked the other options.

 

As for what to do. Here is what I would do. Cancel the wedding, get a refund on anything you've paid so far, if you've sent invitations then tell everyone it's off for now so they can get refunds for travel and accommodation etc. Tell her that you know there's more to the story than "finding herself" and if she doesn't tell you the full story then you're calling the wedding off for good.

[Gaeta]

ok come on... why somebody told that she is young? if it really matters? sometimes 17th years girl can be more mature than 39th women. In my opinion you should let her go for while. Maybe she thinks that wants something different but after some days she will find out that being with you is everything what she wants if not... also should let her go.

 

And I know 12 years old who are mature but it does not mean they are ready to marry !

[Miss Peach]

I was about the same age when I met my XH and I married him around the same time. I changed a lot between early 20s and 30. Looking back I wish I would have thought about that myself. I don't think it necessarily means cheating but it does sound like cold feet at the idea of spending 60 years with someone.

 

The age difference wasn't what broke us up (I was the more mature one in the marriage). But if she's worried she doesn't know herself that is a concern going into a marriage and being able to make that type of commitment.

[Popsicle]

She's not into you. Sorry.

[MJJean]

ok come on... why somebody told that she is young? if it really matters? sometimes 17th years girl can be more mature than 39th women. In my opinion you should let her go for while. Maybe she thinks that wants something different but after some days she will find out that being with you is everything what she wants if not... also should let her go.

 

 

Sorry, science doesn't agree. Until​ about age 25 the human brain is literally still physically developing. Pre age 25 we think primarily with our amagdala, the emotional section of the brain. Once the neural connections finish establishing, we switch to thinking with the prefrontal cortex, which is the logic section.

 

So, until about age 25, we're literally not finished developing mentally.

[Gaeta]

I was about the same age when I met my XH and I married him around the same time. I changed a lot between early 20s and 30. Looking back I wish I would have thought about that myself. I don't think it necessarily means cheating but it does sound like cold feet at the idea of spending 60 years with someone.

 

The age difference wasn't what broke us up (I was the more mature one in the marriage). But if she's worried she doesn't know herself that is a concern going into a marriage and being able to make that type of commitment.

 

I married at 20 and it's one of my biggest regrets. I had no clue what I was doing.

[No_Go]

It is interesting... The top fertility years are 20-25. Only in the past few decades people has started marrying past age 20-25.

 

Moreover, at OP's fiancees age (23) people for centuries have been raising families, households, have been in the army, have been leading companies, have been governing countries. And now we treat 23 year olds as kids because their brain is not ready??

 

IDK, at 23 I was working on my PhD thesis, certainly more complicated than getting married... I actually regret I didn't spend time looking for a partner for marriage then, when I was still young and not pressured with the inevitable consequences of aging, and burdened with life experiences.

 

Honestly at 23 after few years relationship saying that she's not ready is not because she's 'young'. She's just not into him... He is better to cut his losses now.

 

Sorry, science doesn't agree. Until​ about age 25 the human brain is literally still physically developing. Pre age 25 we think primarily with our amagdala, the emotional section of the brain. Once the neural connections finish establishing, we switch to thinking with the prefrontal cortex, which is the logic section.

 

So, until about age 25, we're literally not finished developing mentally.

[Miss Peach]

I married at 20 and it's one of my biggest regrets. I had no clue what I was doing.

 

Same here. If I had been wiser to what a good relationship looks like I would have left him before getting married. I had all the signs before we got engaged.

[Gr8fuln2020]

It is interesting... The top fertility years are 20-25. Only in the past few decades people has started marrying past age 20-25.

 

Moreover, at OP's fiancees age (23) people for centuries have been raising families, households, have been in the army, have been leading companies, have been governing countries. And now we treat 23 year olds as kids because their brain is not ready??

 

IDK, at 23 I was working on my PhD thesis, certainly more complicated than getting married... I actually regret I didn't spend time looking for a partner for marriage then, when I was still young and not pressured with the inevitable consequences of aging, and burdened with life experiences.

 

Honestly at 23 after few years relationship saying that she's not ready is not because she's 'young'. She's just not into him... He is better to cut his losses now.

 

Absolutely. All of the RECENT studies of 20-somethings having brains that are not FULLY matured is very odd to me. When I grew up, young in HS and college, the vast majority of my peers were responsible. Now, it sounds like every other teen or 20-something is doing something rash and it's b/c of their brain??? Even today, I still don't see most teens or 20-somethings doing irresponsible things. Nature vs. Nurture. How teens and 20-somethings behave is, in my opinion, overwhelmingly influenced by Nurture, not these scans of 'under-developed' brains. How were you raised, by whom, who are your peers, etc.

 

Also, as you mention, far more people married in their 20s and many are now divorcing in their late 30s and 40s. Those are some lengthy marriages. Not forever, but it seems to me that for the 15-25 years of marriage, they new what they were doing.

 

I simply think the OP's gf is feeling that she is missing out. She wants to explore before settling. I know plenty of ladies who are dating in their 40s who regret not having done (travel, etc.) more before getting married. Their exes didn't provide the adventure they didn't know they wanted and now in their 40s, etc. they are looking for someone to help them catch up.

 

Anyway...

[No_Go]

Absolutely. All of the RECENT studies of 20-somethings having brains that are not FULLY matured is very odd to me.

 

This ^ is a result of reading popular science and ignoring the actual one. Things get lost in translation. To be media-appropriate flashy titles that do not correspond to reality are put to popular science article. When I asked (over and over here and elsewhere) to show me *original* studies I was referred to popular studies... Well that's for the 'science behind'.

 

20 years old were, are and will be fully matured adults, if someone wants to excuse their own mistakes with their brain development, fine;)

 

OP's GF indeed is getting cold feet for settling and even if she was 53 - same thing could have happened. Marriage is just a life-changing event so people get scared.

[elaine567]

Happens all the time.

Older guy finds teenager/early twenties woman. He is looking for wife material and thinks he has found the perfect specimen.

Few years later he is ready for marriage.

She likes the thought of playing house and everything is great. Older guy more money, knows what he is doing, sounds fine

BUT one day she realises that she is getting bored, the age gap is biting, guys her own age are starting to look hotter, they now also have money good jobs, careers and houses, they can show her a good time, and she is stuck with this older guy who doesn't really understand her and he is now talking of tying her down with babies and she hasn't even had a chance to live yet...

She reneges, she moves easily on to the next.

It was just a filler relationship for her anyway.

He is heartbroken, his dreams shattered...

[preraph]

It is interesting... The top fertility years are 20-25. Only in the past few decades people has started marrying past age 20-25.

 

Moreover, at OP's fiancees age (23) people for centuries have been raising families, households, have been in the army, have been leading companies, have been governing countries. And now we treat 23 year olds as kids because their brain is not ready??

 

IDK, at 23 I was working on my PhD thesis, certainly more complicated than getting married... I actually regret I didn't spend time looking for a partner for marriage then, when I was still young and not pressured with the inevitable consequences of aging, and burdened with life experiences.

 

Honestly at 23 after few years relationship saying that she's not ready is not because she's 'young'. She's just not into him... He is better to cut his losses now.

 

The top fertility years were young because before 1960 no one had birth control so that's what happened. Doesn't mean it was the best thing all around, certainly not for the children being raised by children. In the short time since birth control, the upper age women can have babies has skyrocketed.

[No_Go]

Facts are:

 

1) Enovid indeed was FDA approved in 1960 but other forms of contraception (condoms, diaphragms etc) has existed and has been used around the world many centuries before then

 

2) Here is an example of an observational study discussing fertility decline with age:

 

Increased infertility with age in men and women. Obstet Gynecol. 2004 Jan;103(1):51-6. Dunson DB, Baird DD, Colombo B.

 

'The percentage infertility was estimated at 8% for women aged 19–26 years, 13–14% for women aged 27–34 years and 18% for women aged 35–39 years.'

 

3) Here is an example of a study discussing the risk of genetic mutations with advanced maternal age:

 

Rates of chromosome abnormalities at different maternal ages. Obstet Gynecol. 1981 Sep;58(3):282-5. Hook EB.

 

'The estimated rate of all clinically significant cytogenetic abnormalities rises from about 2 per 1000 (1 per 500) at the youngest maternal ages to about 2.6 per 1000 (1 per 270) at age 30, 5.6 per 1000 (1 per 80) at age 35, 15.8 per 1000 (1 per 60) at age 40, and 53.7 per 1000 (1 per 20) at age 45'

 

I think the topic is critical enough to keep the things factual not emotional...

 

The top fertility years were young because before 1960 no one had birth control so that's what happened. Doesn't mean it was the best thing all around, certainly not for the children being raised by children. In the short time since birth control, the upper age women can have babies has skyrocketed.

[preraph]

This ^ is a result of reading popular science and ignoring the actual one. Things get lost in translation. To be media-appropriate flashy titles that do not correspond to reality are put to popular science article. When I asked (over and over here and elsewhere) to show me *original* studies I was referred to popular studies... Well that's for the 'science behind'.

 

20 years old were, are and will be fully matured adults, if someone wants to excuse their own mistakes with their brain development, fine;)

 

OP's GF indeed is getting cold feet for settling and even if she was 53 - same thing could have happened. Marriage is just a life-changing event so people get scared.

 

The part of their brain that can predict consequences of their actions is not fully developed until they are mid-twenties. This is why a 30 year old dating a 20 year old is a huge gap and usually will not work out whereas a 30 year old dating a 40 year old usually isn't a big problem

[O'Malley]

At 23, she's starting to live her own life and to make her own choices and that's what she needs to truly mature as a person (the same emerging independence that helped you to mature in your twenties). Often a significantly younger partner will mature incompatibly with you, most especially if they're still in their twenties. End the engagement and have an honest, painful discussion about your relationship.

[BluEyeL]

Oh but in the past marriages were more "simple", expectations lower, divorce harder to happen, and people lived shorter lives. Marriage was more of a contract, a way to divide labor and raise children, not primarily for personal fulfillment. So "compatibility " and "happiness " weren't really a priority .

 

Now everything is more complicated , people's lives evolve over the years, and life expectancy is mich higher.

 

As for the girl, unfortunately she doesn't love you. Might be cheating or at least flirting with some guy . It's better to break up and find someone who is into you and only into you. I'm sorry .

[No_Go]

The part of their brain that can predict consequences of their actions is not fully developed until they are mid-twenties. This is why a 30 year old dating a 20 year old is a huge gap and usually will not work out whereas a 30 year old dating a 40 year old usually isn't a big problem

 

I won't argue here before gathering enough evidence, but I still stand by my personal opinion that her cold feet have nothing to do with age, she just questions the guy.

[Robert]

One post wonder. Thread closed. ~6