Career vs. Kids

[Stone]

We are getting a new home in the country in the next couple weeks and I am extatic about it I am happy my children will have a nice home to grow up in because so far Noah has moved alot but it is comming with a pretty big price at the moment. Our mortgage will be 3X our rent so I MUST get a job working at home isn't going to cut it anymore, I am an Insurance Sales Rep and usually do pretty well but leads have been slow and I am nolonger motivated

 

I thought I would just get a night job Bartending or something so I could be home to get Noah off the bus and stay with Ally in the daytime, and can prospect clients durring the day this way we will also save on childcare ( $160.00 a week) yikes! But just to see whats out there I posted my resume on MONSTER Wendsday night and it's only Friday morning and I have 15 companies requesting interviews.. AG Edwards an investment company and AM SOUTH Bank a few home builders and others. My goal is to become a FInancial Consultant / Stock Broker one day and some of these companies will make this happen and pay for me to further my education. It is EXTREAMLY important to me that I become sucessful in my career and by posting my resume I just proved to myself that I have potential to go far in the Financial Feild. BUT My little princess is only 5 weeks, putting her in daycare will kill me and Noah needs me, at the same time I am a HORRIBLE stay at home mom I am not orginized, I am a horrible cook and I don't clean for crap. Plus staying home puts alot of pressure on my relationship because I require to much attention from Greg when he is home I passed up a job for Meryl Linch last year I don't want to comprimise kids vs career forever. I was a high school drop out, young single mother and I busted my arse to get where I am now it is extreamly important to me that I suceed more than money, I think I just need to prove something to myself

_________________

[laRubiaBonita]

Could you do a parttime thing and work into a full time?

 

you could always ask at the interviews, even though it may not be the easiest or the most desirable schedule, at least you might be with your kids a few day a week....and then when princess is maybe a few months old you could swing into full time gear.

[Outcast]

If you're not a good homemaker, then I think your answer is to take the job that allows you to make enough money to afford help at home. Your kids deserve order and cleanliness and regular meals, etc.

 

People make a huge deal about staying at home to be with the children when they are young, but kids remember very little before they are school-aged anyway. They will remember (maybe) one or two instances of Mommy tucking them into bed and playing with them on the weekend and even that won't happen until they're about 4. So you can in clear conscience hire a nanny for them (with all due diligence of course) and pursue your career vigorously. If you work it right, you'll have enough income/investments that you'll be able to spend more time with them as they get older and as your influence is more likely to be remembered.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Originally posted by Outcast

If you're not a good homemaker, then I think your answer is to take the job that allows you to make enough money to afford help at home. Your kids deserve order and cleanliness and regular meals, etc.

 

People make a huge deal about staying at home to be with the children when they are young, but kids remember very little before they are school-aged anyway. They will remember (maybe) one or two instances of Mommy tucking them into bed and playing with them on the weekend and even that won't happen until they're about 4. So you can in clear conscience hire a nanny for them (with all due diligence of course) and pursue your career vigorously. If you work it right, you'll have enough income/investments that you'll be able to spend more time with them as they get older and as your influence is more likely to be remembered.

 

HUGELY disagree but let's not get into that. I won't ask if you have kids Outkast.

 

Hold out until you find the job that is right for you and your home situation. I still can't get over how in the US you only get six weeks mat leave. Here in Canada you can take a whole year off, collect unemployment (up to 55% of your regular wage) and get your old job back. You don't have to take the full year because you can split the time with your spouse.

 

Things will be tight for you financially, but I'm sure you can find other ways to cut corners and spend more quality time with your kids while working part time or working at home.

[Outcast]

Plenty of kids go into daycare and have nannies and they're doing fine. You may not like it, but that's only your opinion.

[brashgal]

I have kids and I would probably have gone completely off the deep end if I had had to stay home with them. My older son is in college, drug-free, well-adjusted which I credit to good daycare, good schools and my keeping my sanity by working outside the home. I know plenty of young adults whose moms stayed home who are pissing away their lives - you just can't generalize about childrearing.

 

You have to do what will make you happy, sounds like staying home just to save on day care, working at night and trying to get financial clients on the side may be too much for you since your daughter is so young and your son is special needs. As long as you found a job that had regular hours (not a lot of overtime, 8-5, not a lot of travel) I think you'd find more time to spend with your kids AND enjoy it.

 

I do stress that you need to make the decision that is right for you. And heck, at your age trying something for a few months and then changing your mind is not a career death sentence - feel free to change your mind.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

So why have kids if you don't want to spend the time it takes to raise them? They grow up fast.

 

And for the record, I have two, and they were in daycare part time. I missed so much of my son's first year while I worked full time and the went back to work part time after my daughter was born and stayed part time until they started school.

 

Sure some of the kids turn out fine but wouldn't you feel better if it was you yourself who raised them and not a nanny or daycare? I can see if you don't have a choice, and have to work to make ends meet, but there are other ways to cut back on finances, and sacrificing those early years with your children IN MY OPINION is not worth tripling your mortgage, or buying a third vehicle, or taking a caribbean vacation....

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by MWC_LifeBeginsAt40

So why have kids if you don't want to spend the time it takes to raise them?

I wanted to ask the same stupid question. Why did you decide to have another baby when you're not organized? It's too late to talk about it and I am sure you had your reasons.

I am also not well organized but it's easy for me now when my twins are almost 7 y.o. They play together all the time, my ex takes them if I need free time, and unfortunately, but luckily they eat like 10 things and I don't have much problem with preparing food for them.

But when they were babies... OMG I had to peal and cook all kinds of veggies, meat, and make fruit salad for them every day. Then feeding, changing diapers, cleaning the apartment, laundry, my ass hole ex-husband and his daughter, it was a nightmare.

I was also clingy and not much of the stay-at-home mommy.

 

So I decided that next time when/if I have a baby, I will make sure that I am emotionally stable enough to take the responsibility. That means my husband loves me and treats me good, no financial problems, no regrets for pausing in the career, enough time for everything and help from others.

 

Your schedule sounds hectic. Two jobs with a little baby? Good luck to you! If you're not a lazy person then you will succeed and I wish you to keep your sanity. It's hard now but it will be much better in a few years.

 

So where is your BF in this whole story? Does he help you around Ally? I was wondering how much you can actually earn from bar-tending and how you would feel doing that job.

 

Excellent post, MWC! Stone, I also believe that your kids would be happier if they had their mom in a small home than have a great house without their mom their in the evenings.

[Outcast]

Well isn't it nice that two such utterly perfect women think it's fine to slang Stone for having a baby. IF you'd read the whole story of this baby, you'd realize that she didn't plan to have a baby just now.

 

I have two, and they were in daycare part time

 

So you're a fine one to talk, then aren't you? Why push your regrets onto Stone?

 

I was also clingy and not much of the stay-at-home mommy.

 

And here's another one. You both admit that you didn't stay at home but for some reason have decided that was bad so project your guilt onto someone else. Nice.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by Outcast

So you're a fine one to talk, then aren't you? Why push your regrets onto Stone?

 

And here's another one. You both admit that you didn't stay at home but for some reason have decided that was bad so project your guilt onto someone else. Nice.

 

First of all, I don't have any regrets and I WAS a stay-at-home mom. Still am. I work from home and sometimes at nights out of home (a few times a month).

 

Secondly, we didn't mean to criticize Stone. She is not the only one reading this thread. We want to pass our experience and thoughts. My goal on LS (and overall) is NOT to bash people whatsoever but help them. Hence my comment that it's a stupid rhetoric question "why she had the baby."

 

I "love" it when people pull out one sentence out of the whole context.

 

Stone, I hope you understand what I was saying. I only want to help the best way I can.

[Outcast]

That's not a rhetorical question. It is, however, a moot point.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by Outcast

That's not a rhetorical question. It is, however, a moot point.

 

Moot, shmoot... if you want to argue, go find another victim! I said what I had to say. So there..

[HokeyReligions]

Go for the career. Think long-term.

 

Both my children died when they were teenagers and they were my focus. I put my education on a back-burner and worked at low-pay jobs. After they died I went to school but I was older and beginning to have health problems and then had problems with hubby. Now I'm experiencing a health crisis (mine, my husband, and my mother--who is dieing) and even though I went back to school, I jumped around from job to job so much that I am out of work now and taking whatever I can to make the housepayment, including low-end clericle jobs. The money stress was there when my kids were little and believe me, they felt it no matter how much I tried to protect them. If I had focused on education and a secure career - even sacrificing some time with them - we would not have had the problems we did and if they were alive now I might have even been able to put them through college and I would have been a better role model for them.

 

I came from a blue-collar background and never set my sights very high because I never saw anyone else do that. It was expected that I would get married out of high-school (or drop out) and work as a cashier or on the assembly-line and pop out a bunch of kids. It never occurred to me to do anything different - except I didn't date in high-school and didn't get married until I was in my late 20's. I worked in stores or on assembly-lines and except for a brief period of living on my own, I shared the house with my mother and helped take care of her (she has always had health problems and needed care). Even after selling the house and moving across the country we shared an apartment until she found someone else to live with. Now she lives with me again and it would be so much easier if I had secured a career earlier in my life.

 

You can work - even long-hours and still have quality time with your kids and be a great role-model for them. I think it would be even easier to do it as a single parent then to have one husbban/so who is severely depressed and with mental and physical disabilities to support and care for along with the kids. But that may just be because that was my life and the weight of it on my shoulders broke me.

[Stone]

To awanser a question my b/f has actually come around a HUGE deal, he is a awesome dad and helps with the baby alot. He was a crappy b/f when I was pregnant but he is a great dad and treating me much better... I guess he was scared when I was pregnant

 

I don't regret having my baby, and even though I am a little disorganized my kids are both VERY VERY well taken care of, they get everything under the sun, we have "family days" on Sundays, and did before Ally was born and "CLEAN house" days on Thursdays where Me, B/f and Son go to town cleaning. I am a little unorganized, some toys are not picked up all the time, and I never catch up on my laundry, but I am a really good mother..... ask my 5 year old

 

However I am only 25, I want to succeed in my career for my kids, so I can send them to College, provide them with the best education, and am able to take them on vacations, send them to camps ect. Also like I stated before I am not a good "homemaker" I am not a dirty person or anything but I see a "homemaker" as someone that keeps a spotless home, cooks great meals, and has everything in line. so I feel like a failure when I stay at home. It's just not in my personality to do that, I've tried and tried and it makes me miserable.

 

Posting my resume and getting responses from companies I was intimidated to apply at gave me great confidence, for once I felt proud of myself, like I finally am succeeding in something and all those nights I studies my arse off until 2-3 in the morning while my son was asleep has finally paid off. I don't remember a time where I have ever felt so proud of myself. I think I will wait untill the baby is a few more months old after thinking about it this weekend I know I can be a better mom if I am happy and succeeding in this carrer will make me happy and adventualy give me financial independence where I can do more things with them.

[RecordProducer]

Hey Stone, you sound much like me in the house field! Lemme tell you a secret... organize yourself to do one thing at a time. First work then pleasure. Plus understand that your chores won't be perfectly performed all the time. When I was married with two little babies everything was done (perfectly) on time (it had to), but the price was too high. I became depressed. Now I leave things for tomorrow and guess what - I am relaxed and happy. F the house! Your kids need to get food, that should be number one. In your case changing diapers and many other stuff should be priority too. But it doesn't mean that you can't be late for the lunch for 20 min

Determine the amount of time that you will spend cleaning, doing laundry, etc. and try to do it within that time even if you don't manage to fit in. If you don't - leave it for tomorrow. Make a balance. You're so young. Some things just come with time, experience, and age.

I wish you good luck in your career. Some day you'll be 35 and be successful and have two big kids and a lot of time for yourself and your BFs.

All is cool, don't worry!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

The last thing I would ever stress about is the cleanliness state of my house. If my kids are fed and I am able to give them the attention they need, IE get them away from the TV and computer, then as R-P said F* the housework.

 

I keep the house tidy, but I do get behind....but I also work fulltime now (kids are 8 and 10). When I was staying home with the kids (3 days per week) housework was still at the bottom of the list. Maybe I had an exceptional husband who didn't complain that the house was a mess...he was on my side where the priorities were to make the kids happy first. Take them for walks, go to the park, play outside. That's the only reason I was at home, not so that my house would be clean.

 

I tried to do one thing per day, like maybe clean a bathroom or tidy the kitchen, but I can't imagine having a SO coming home screamin and yellin that I didn't do anything all day. And believe me there were days I did nothing.

 

You are young Stone, and have accomplished ALOT and you should be proud. But you are also way too young to be stressed out over finances, or to be working low-paying jobs with long hours. Take the time off to do what you need to do for your kids, and get some experience in your field (part-time?) and then in a year or two go out and find your dream job. Please don't rush, these years are so precious and your kids will appreciate all you did for them when they're older.

 

It sounds like you have already been through all this in your son's first five years, while you were studying. Take what you've learned, good and bad, and do differently what you always said you would if you had another chance. Only you know what's right for you.

[Shana]

You were too young to have your first child, and still young to have had your new baby.

 

I do not think that your b/f was "Scared" as you put it when you were pregnant, I also think it is wrong for you to say "He is getting better", better at what? Being a boyfriend to you? You don't need him. I think there is more to the b/f story then your telling.

 

GO TO WORK. Hate to say it but you will regret it when your kids are 25 and have a better job then you ever will. Make them proud of you now so that you are & can be there for them when they reaaaalllly need you (the teen years)... I think you are sacrificing too much of your life ...

[Outcast]

They aren't going to remember anything about anything you do until they are at least five so now is the perfect time to spend a little extra time on your career so that you can afford to spend more time with them during the years when their memories will stay with them.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Originally posted by Outcast

They aren't going to remember anything about anything you do until they are at least five so now is the perfect time to spend a little extra time on your career so that you can afford to spend more time with them during the years when their memories will stay with them.

 

Outkast, do you even have kids? My kids remember very well the things we did when they were preschoolers and talk about the good ol' days all the time. We have a lot of good memories of the different parks we visited, the crafts we did, the games we played, the songs we sang, the people we met, swimming, skating, movies, oh and we saw Barney!!!

 

You don't know what you're talking about. Maybe YOU don't remember when you were a toddler, but I for one remember walking back and forth in my crib singing when I was barely 2 years old, and that was 38 years ago!

[Stone]

Originally posted by Shana

You were too young to have your first child, and still young to have had your new baby.

 

I do not think that your b/f was "Scared" as you put it when you were pregnant, I also think it is wrong for you to say "He is getting better", better at what? Being a boyfriend to you? You don't need him. I think there is more to the b/f story then your telling.

 

To young? Why? I am glad I had my children young age has nothing to do with parenting skills. Plus my b/f was scared as I put it, we talk about it all the time, there is more to the b/f story but I've posted that in other threads

[quankanne]

I see a "homemaker" as someone that keeps a spotless home, cooks great meals, and has everything in line

 

 

that's a scary thought! lol ... I don't have any kids, but believe you me, it's still a challenge to be able to run a household and work full-time even through DH is retired. Fortunately, he doesn't give a rat's *ss if there's dust on the TV or that I dedicate one day to doing our laundry, or that I've got half-started projects going on since we moved into our house seven weeks ago. What is important is that there is food in the fridge/pantry, there's a back-up supply of paper towels and toilet paper available, and the house is in decent enough condition that we're not tripping over ourselves getting from one end of it to the other. Noah can probably pitch in, just make a game of picking up his stuff (bribery also works ) -- same with your guy. You shouldn't have to worry about it all being heaped on you to keep the house in shape, you know? Also, remember that you're at the beginning of the new baby period, and that things will settle down nicely. Just hang in there.

 

as for the job: do the interviews, but see who offers the closest to what you want in benefits. Do they offer a flexible schedule? Do they operate a daycare on the premisis? Will they pay for additional schooling? Some of the better companies do those things for their employees because they know this will help foster a greater sense of productivity. My job doesn't pay a whole lot, but believe you me, if a family emergency comes up, that gets top priority with my boss, even as I drag my feet trying to get stuff done before I leave town. So all in all, my job is 10 times worth its weight in gold.

[Outcast]

You don't know what you're talking about. Maybe YOU don't remember when you were a toddler, but I for one remember walking back and forth in my crib singing when I was barely 2 years old, and that was 38 years ago!

 

I'm guessing that you 'remember' what you saw in photos of you and heard in stories. Kids have been studied extensively to figure out how they learn and remember and what they remember and the information that has come out of that is that kids don't remember what happens much before the age of 4. And your kids will be talking about stuff from when they were three - maybe. That gives Stone a few years to get established and, at the rate she's been going, that will do the trick.

 

And Quankanne had a good point; some of the better organizations do have onsite daycare so you can even pop down to visit from time to time.