Falling dangerously back into the regret and "what could have been" depression

[DudeMan27]

I’ve documented my depression and relationship issues on here a bit last year, but I am really really at a low lately. I just turned 35 and its really been hitting me hard about wasting so many of these past few years. I haven’t dated anyone seriously in nearly 6 years, I haven’t been on a date in 5. My social anxiety has ramped up over the past few years or so to where I stress over conversations with people at work. So dating is certainly off the table. I knew years back I had to get myself together both physically and mentally because things got out of hand and it was “too late.” I still let it happen.

 

I’ve managed to allow myself to be in the worst shape of my life since January, I’m barely fitting in my work clothes now. Due to self medication with alcohol and self induced stress, I’ve sped up my hair loss very rapidly. I feel like I look like a completely different person from as recent as Thanksgiving/Christmas.

 

That all combined has got me back into that dangerous obsessing of the “What could have been” with my life and my last true girlfriend. Here I am 35, any looks I had ruined, and even tho I had many chances with women since my breakup, my depression and mental state convinced me I didn’t. I have no idea where I go from here or what is going to happen, if anything. I’m obsessing over where my life would be had this depression not destroyed my relationship. Instead of spending 6 years, doing nothing, sometimes quite literally (entire summers barely leaving the house, no vacations, no swimming, etc) I would have had such a full life. My ex traveled the world and all she wanted was to have those experiences with me. She had a huge loving family, (mine is very very small and somewhat distant) I’ve spent holidays alone, I dread holidays sometimes when I used to love them more than anything. My youth (late 20s, early 30s) have been wasted. Alone. I dream of having photos of the travels she wanted to do being seen by my friends, I think of the wedding day and the happiness, and it all never happened thanks to me. I had a chance to be one of those guys I never thought I would in highschool. Attractive wife, intelligent with a wonderful family and a life full of adventure and happiness. I had it and let it slip away so I could spend it all drinking in a bar or on the couch.

 

I know theres no timeline for life, but I was on such a good path, and it all fell right in my lap. A couple years out of college, I had just started a new job, moved out on my own for the very first time, and met a girl who was about as marriage material as it gets in life. Could have spent the remainder of our 20’s traveling the world, enjoying everything there is in life (she always did and still does) then in our 30s ready to start getting married and building a family. It was all set up so perfectly with the perfect person. And even so, I couldn’t have the self control after it ended to pick myself up, and keep moving forward. My mind convinced me every since I’d never find anyone again. Looking back I realize I had many women who liked me, or could have just at least gone on dates, and I didn’t even know it. Now by the time I finally woke up and realize what my brain has been doing to myself, I sit here 35 years old, going grey from stress and drinking, and not even close to what I looked like even a couple years ago. Who’s going to want that? One little thing goes differently and my entire life changes into something most people only dream of.

[Logo]

I have regrets, too. But we can't bring back the past.

 

You're still young. I know how you feel about 'time lost'. But you have a bright future ahead of you.

 

 

Here's what you need to do. Sit down with yourself and put together a list of things you want to change about yourself, include some accomplishments you want to achieve (Having a loving relationship, for example) etc.

 

 

Then when you're done with the list, start challenging yourself how you can achieve one of those goals. Take it one step at a time. Maybe start with better nutrition, working out and a nice makeover. Get a nice haircut, new clothes. Ask the female employees at the store for their opinion. Pick a few items, and have fun asking for their opinion as to which one looks better on you.

 

 

A makeover will make you feel great. Give it time. But press on. Don't give up.

 

 

As for the social anxiety, start small.

 

 

A good trick is to pretend that any complete stranger you meet is a friend you've known for years. Smile. Be yourself. Don't overthink things or berate yourself.

 

 

Always smile and remind yourself that you are a great person who deserves to be loved and appreciated. Love yourself, know that you have value to offer. We all do in our own unique ways.

 

And lastly, stay away from alcohol. It's a depressant.

[Chilli]

Look at it this way , at least when everyone is getting divorced and screwed around on in10 yrs time from being married so young, you won't be.

 

The drink, just start cutting back.

l did it by getting smaller classes and making a little rule to myself , no more than 3 of those a night. They're only small glasses and 3 of those is really only like just one or two normal drinks and there's nothing wrong with that.

l use to have 6 or 7 or 8 or 9 large glasses.

But if it's a real problem for you and you can't manage that self discipline consistently then you might have to quit. But if you can , problem solved and you can still enjoy a few drinks.

 

The looks thing ,l can tell you , start watching what you eat a bit , knock of excessive booze , groom up better and clothes, lose weight, you'll be amazed. l look 3 times better now than l did 12 yrs ago and probably younger than 12yrs ago too.

And l've seen a lot of people do that just by deciding to fix themselves up a bit , dress better, look after themselves better, lose weight. You don't see them for 10 yrs and they look better now than they did back when.

 

And you can easily get yourself fit again too. l started running. Although l have a physical job, l was just turning into a slob. Not looking after myself. l noticed playing with my kids l'd lost all my vigor and couldn't even be bothered climbing a few sand dunes with them and if l did l was stuffed 1/2 way up.

Considering l'd always been a naturally fit and energetic person and l was only 40ish , that was a fkg disgrace. But l thought l must've been just getting old , l didn't realize.

So l started running, just twice a wk, and all that other stuff , and l was amazed. Few mths and l was walking for miles with them , in sand l mean, running, waiting at the top of sand dunes for them to catch up.

The difference was incredible.

 

You can easily turn yourself around. And probably by the time you finish doin that miss right might've showed up anyway.

Good luck

[Aqulesco]

You only have one life and deserve happiness and goodness as much as all the good people on LS. Stop drinking. thats whats putting on pounds. You dont want to solve your clothing problem by going up a size.

 

Exercise daily, even walking, Biking, Hike mountians.

 

Eat right, get lots of water.

 

DO NOT masterbate. It will force your hand socially and the women fell feel the vibe of pent up sexuality; Like a caged animal. The sexual frustration will override your anxiety.

 

Shave your head. It will prevent further baldness and you willl look less bald.

 

Im sorry your going through this but your choices are affecting your appeareance. You need to control this before it gets worse.

[SpecialJ]

While the tips here are good, you're sharing some really serious problems that may take more than a bit of self discipline to turn around. The level of depression and anxiety sounds like part of your makeup, so why do you want to fight to make changes alone? You've gotten yourself to the first solid step, which is great and most important: recognizing where you are not being what you want and so being open to changing it. Please talk to a professional therapist about how to move forward and give yourself the best foundation to do some great work on yourself and move on from past regrets!

Edited June 24, 2017 by SpecialJ

[DudeMan27]

Thanks everyone for the kind words and advice. I know it’s a matter of fighting thru my mind but its so tough to do. I had a really tough weekend and nothing really even happened. I was just drained. Got to the gym for a bit, but, I don’t know, just the energy is not there. Everything feels so heavy. I even tried to just relax and binge watch Netflix and my mind just couldn’t relax. Both Saturday and Sunday were beautiful days and by 3 or 4 in the afternoon I just couldn’t wait until I was tired enough to go to sleep because I was so blah.

 

It’s just really tough because just about everything is and was so self inflicted. And looking back you don’t realize it at all until you have the hindsight. At the time of our breakup, I was convinced I’d never get another girlfriend. Now I look back and see pictures of myself around that time, and I was such a happy, in shape, good looking young guy, theres no way I should be going on 5 years without even being on a date.

 

I know you have to forget and let go of regrets but I just had everything I could have possibly wanted for an amazing life. And I just threw it away. I’m no longer angry at myself as I am feeling pity. Because knowing what I know now, is really is obvious the emotional issues I had due to some form of depression. I just had no idea at the time that could have been it. It was all such a waste. Instead of having that happiness and the life I was lucky enough to fall into, I spent much of the relationship thinking theres no way she could actually like me, and that her friends and family didnt think I was good enough for her. It was all so ridiculous. It kept me from ever being myself. She put up with a lot from me, and still fought and stayed with me, that’s how much this woman liked me, and I broke her down to the point she just couldn’t do it anymore. I know this is a terrible way to think, but that really feels like that was my chance. That was supposed to be it. Instead of living life with a beautiful person by my side, I’ve spent so much time alone and have just kind of deteriorated into this. It was such a waste.

 

I’ve finally getting my insurance kicking in from work, and need to find a new doctor to get on some form of medication, but I don’t even know where to start. And I don’t know if you can just walk into a brand new doctor first time you meet and asked for meds. Seems they would be leary of that. But I really need something, and soon.

 

Anyway, thanks again for at least throwing some advice and encouragement my way.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Many of us feel for you. **BIG HUG**

But how old are you? It is NEVER too late to change. You have to push yourself to make those changes.

Listen to SpecialJ and get some professional help.

Your depression sounds more serious than most.

Your new doctor would need your records from your old doctor.

[Funny bunny]

35 is not too bad!! Just go on YouTube and find some exercise routines to start with or get a gym membership and make a schedule to go. Talk to us here on loveshack every day if you have to to pick yourself up. I am going through a breakup myself where I ask myself " why didn't I do this or say that?" I had my relationship and destroyed it with my insecurities. You are not alone! Go shopping with any woman you know so she can tell you what you look handsome in. Start with the exercise though. Exercise prevents diabetes, makes you think clearer, makes you feel good and look good too. Try to be kind to all the people around and be kind to yourself.

[DudeMan27]

Thank you lonelyplanetmoon. Thank you funny bunny. Thanks again to everyone, for the advice and bits of encouragement. I really never know what to say, or how to explain things any better than I do. But I certainly appreciate your time and thoughts.

 

It’s just so, so difficult not only when you’re feeling this bad and depressed, that you can look back on that time and see how you acted and how your thinking patterns were, and see how the depression was screwing with your head the entire time. It makes things hurt even worse now seeing that there was no reason for it, and I destroyed what should have been my own happiness.

 

I really don’t want to sound conceited or vein when I talk about looks. But I now know I had a huge complex and maybe some body dysmorphia. That’s why I was so obsessed over it. I look back now at some photos of the year after we broke up and really, there was no reason for me to have zero confidence to the point I go 5 years without a girlfriend and barely dating. Great shape, nice teeth, nice hair. But I still had ZERO confidence. If I didn’t feel like my hair looked nice, or something, I wasn’t myself. I remember thinking her friends probably don’t think I’m good looking enough for her. I also remember thinking at one point that her two younger sisters probably asked each other “what the hell is she doing with this guy.” There were points I didn’t think her parents (who were the 2 nicest people I’ve ever met) liked me. I can now see how ridiculous and destructive that is. All they knew was I made their beautiful friend/daughter happy and that’s why they liked me.

I wont go on and repeat things I did in my initial post, but that’s just an example of one of the many many issues I can now spot, and its way too late. 4th of July weekend has always been a trigger for me since the breakup. So its always hard, especially since I will probably have nothing to do again. I used to spend it with my friends and have a great time, and still can, but they’re ALL with their wives and kids and it just makes me feel so bad.

 

Again, it was all just so self inflicted. Now some other guy gets to show off this beautiful woman, and be apart of that huge, amazing family of hers. And travel the world, instead of me when right off the bat she asked me to get my passport cuz that was her passion. She has friends at all points of the country, and world, and he gets to go visit them. All while I have nothing to do but either sit at home or in some bar in my small boring down. I just handed all that to someone else, when all I had to do was wake up and see how she felt about me and be happy, and the normal progression of life. No idea where I’d be now, but it’d sure be a lot happier place than here just going thru the motions day after day after day.

[SpecialJ]

I know this can be difficult, but is there any way for you to take some time to focus on what you need right now, without judging your past against it? Any way to put your thoughts about your ex aside? You're going to need to forgive yourself for the last few years, when you're ready, but maybe it's a better next step to take your next steps, even if they're small. Is there anything you can think of that you need in the present, knowing that there will also be plenty of time to rehash the past? I'm rooting for you to take a next step after acknowledgement of your issues and not get mired down by regret before moving forward and breaking the pattern of thinking.

 

If your next step is writing it all out and processing here, that's okay too! I just don't want you to get lost in a self-derogatory thought pattern when you're making progress

[DudeMan27]

I know this can be difficult, but is there any way for you to take some time to focus on what you need right now, without judging your past against it? Any way to put your thoughts about your ex aside? You're going to need to forgive yourself for the last few years, when you're ready, but maybe it's a better next step to take your next steps, even if they're small. Is there anything you can think of that you need in the present, knowing that there will also be plenty of time to rehash the past? I'm rooting for you to take a next step after acknowledgement of your issues and not get mired down by regret before moving forward and breaking the pattern of thinking.

 

If your next step is writing it all out and processing here, that's okay too! I just don't want you to get lost in a self-derogatory thought pattern when you're making progress

 

Well what I need in the present, the obvious thing is my physical health. Last night I weighed myself at 233lbs, the biggest I’ve ever been. Last summer I was 210lb and I felt overweight. Its just been so tough when I go to the gym, I have the energy, but I feel like my body has about 25 extra pounds of weight on it (Not from actual weight, but I know its that depression that does it)

 

Speaking of small steps, went the last two nights without drinking and went to the gym both nights. Will be a 3rd tonight. I honestly think I’ve gone 5 total days in 2017 without at least having a drink. I feel HARD at the beginning of the year, and that’s whats contributed to a 25lb weight gain over 5 months along with rapid hair loss. I KNOW getting back to where I was physically even 2 years ago would help my depression a ton, but I have that voice in my head that now that I’m already 35 balding, whats the point? I know that’s stupid, but it holds me back. It really does. I hope to at least thin my face out. I look much better and maybe the shorter hair will look better with a thin face, and no bloatednessys. I guess 2 days in a row without drinking can be seen as a victory.

 

This weekend is tough tho. Always has been. Everyone having fun in the sun, at beaches and pools, holding their woman during the fireworks. The last time I had someone on 4th weekend was her. She took me to her Aunts beach house. Had a giant dinner, and fun all weekend. A freakin free beach house I could be at this weekend, instead I have no plans and may spend another holiday weekend holed up in my house, bored.

[Goodguy05]

I’ve documented my depression and relationship issues on here a bit last year, but I am really really at a low lately. I just turned 35 and its really been hitting me hard about wasting so many of these past few years. I haven’t dated anyone seriously in nearly 6 years, I haven’t been on a date in 5. My social anxiety has ramped up over the past few years or so to where I stress over conversations with people at work. So dating is certainly off the table. I knew years back I had to get myself together both physically and mentally because things got out of hand and it was “too late.” I still let it happen.

 

I’ve managed to allow myself to be in the worst shape of my life since January, I’m barely fitting in my work clothes now. Due to self medication with alcohol and self induced stress, I’ve sped up my hair loss very rapidly. I feel like I look like a completely different person from as recent as Thanksgiving/Christmas.

 

That all combined has got me back into that dangerous obsessing of the “What could have been” with my life and my last true girlfriend. Here I am 35, any looks I had ruined, and even tho I had many chances with women since my breakup, my depression and mental state convinced me I didn’t. I have no idea where I go from here or what is going to happen, if anything. I’m obsessing over where my life would be had this depression not destroyed my relationship. Instead of spending 6 years, doing nothing, sometimes quite literally (entire summers barely leaving the house, no vacations, no swimming, etc) I would have had such a full life. My ex traveled the world and all she wanted was to have those experiences with me. She had a huge loving family, (mine is very very small and somewhat distant) I’ve spent holidays alone, I dread holidays sometimes when I used to love them more than anything. My youth (late 20s, early 30s) have been wasted. Alone. I dream of having photos of the travels she wanted to do being seen by my friends, I think of the wedding day and the happiness, and it all never happened thanks to me. I had a chance to be one of those guys I never thought I would in highschool. Attractive wife, intelligent with a wonderful family and a life full of adventure and happiness. I had it and let it slip away so I could spend it all drinking in a bar or on the couch.

 

I know theres no timeline for life, but I was on such a good path, and it all fell right in my lap. A couple years out of college, I had just started a new job, moved out on my own for the very first time, and met a girl who was about as marriage material as it gets in life. Could have spent the remainder of our 20’s traveling the world, enjoying everything there is in life (she always did and still does) then in our 30s ready to start getting married and building a family. It was all set up so perfectly with the perfect person. And even so, I couldn’t have the self control after it ended to pick myself up, and keep moving forward. My mind convinced me every since I’d never find anyone again. Looking back I realize I had many women who liked me, or could have just at least gone on dates, and I didn’t even know it. Now by the time I finally woke up and realize what my brain has been doing to myself, I sit here 35 years old, going grey from stress and drinking, and not even close to what I looked like even a couple years ago. Who’s going to want that? One little thing goes differently and my entire life changes into something most people only dream of.

 

I feel I need to share my story which is similar to ures accept I was 24.

 

I too was losing hair went obese I use to be very fit was in the top 10 road cyclists in the country only a cpl yrs prior.

 

The wake up call for me was one night wen I rolled over on my side and I cld feel my gut just rolled over there i vowed to do something about it. 1st thing I wanted to address was the weight. I went to Jenny Craig and lost almost 30 kilos in 6 mths it really wss the catalyst for my turn Around. Met a new girl even though that didn't work I looked good. Trimmed my hair to zero wich suited my look. Fast forward 10 yrs and again I let myself go. Then again lost the weight now I'm stable again minus a relationship wat I've learnt from this is wen life deals u lemons u really have to fight to be successful and not let ureself go because it becomes very hard to get out of that cycle. So now wen I notice the weight creeping up i nail it back quickly or if work slips behind I focus on that. The lesson for me and u is keep things in check but u can do this I would suggest start wth the weight loss first then get fit trim ur hair and then work on other things like fitness and Career. U can do this start wth the weight loss I would highly recommend Jenny Craig it's hard at 1st but if u really want a change u can do it u lose a kilo a week and that's weather u exercise or not. U can do this dude. Turn it around

Edited July 1, 2017 by Goodguy05

[SpecialJ]

That's terrific that you've been getting to the gym instead of drinking! That's going to be the fastest way to start losing weight and drop the bloated look, if you can cut back on the alcohol. Incidentally, there's never an age that it's just worth letting yourself go -- there are women who are really attracted to bald men, so 35 and losing hair is not a good enough justification!

 

However, I still hope you'll look into some professional help from someone who is an expert with depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. That stuff is frequently comorbid, which means people are trained to help with all the issues. It sounds like you're at a turning point to take your health seriously, which is great. Caring for your mental and emotional health will be just as important as physical, and will probably result in you looking more like you want to faster.