knabe Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 I'm a female, and I agree this is too soon. 4 months is too soon for most people, unless they are just...very closely enmashed with their family. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 (edited) Like Ctpinsano said it's cultural. OP and his GF should consider what is *normal* for both of them and their family and meet in the middle. Obviously I come from a close-knitted family so my advice reflects that. I remember years ago my youngest brother had a new girlfriend each x-mas. It wasn't a big deal to us. We are very inclusive and open. After 4 months dating maybe OP will discover he is not on the same page as his GF on many things. It's part of getting to know each other. If she is family oriented and he's not, chances are it's not gonna work. It's very hard for someone family oriented to deal with someone that is not. In my past I dated men that were not into spending time with family and it was frustrating and painful for me. I made sure this time around my bf understood that. When I asked him at 4 months dating to drive 900km to spend Easter with my parents he said yes with no hesitation. When we came back from that weekend our relationship took a turn. We became closer and it's from there we started seeing each other every day. I always thought my bf made a turn around after that weekend because he liked what he saw, he learn a great deal about me and my background during that weekend with my parents. Edited June 22, 2017 by Gaeta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 It has a lot to do with the age of the couple . . . younger men and women are often more influenced by family pressures than an older, more mature, independent, secure people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Having someone meet the WHOLE family only 4-months into a relationship has nothing to do with 'manning up!' If the OP is not ready, he is not ready. As per never hearing of people waiting until they are engaged....well, that happens often....personally and many other people in this big world. Also, no one suggested that the OP needed to wait until he was engaged only that his relationship and HE is ready for such an important move. Meeting the entire family is NO small event and should not be considered so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 It has a lot to do with the age of the couple . . . younger men and women are often more influenced by family pressures than an older, more mature, independent, secure people. Must be it because I don't see the big deal. You go meet a bunch of people, you do fun stuff, you visit the area, and you come back. End of it. When my brother celebrated his 50th birthday we were 40 family members all gathered. One of our cousin brought his brand new gf of 2 months. She had a blast!! Like I said it's just people! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Must be it because I don't see the big deal. You go meet a bunch of people, you do fun stuff, you visit the area, and you come back. End of it. When my brother celebrated his 50th birthday we were 40 family members all gathered. One of our cousin brought his brand new gf of 2 months. She had a blast!! Like I said it's just people! I'm in the same boat. What is the problem, where is the harm? Granted, I'm from a small town myself, and many times I stayed and was having a chat with the family after I dropped off a girl after the date. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Or to be more specific, attending social events with your date is a core benefit of dating to me. You show up at family or corporate events so that your date doesn't have to explain herself/himself on why he/she is there alone. You take a lot off the table if you are not willing to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 I'm in the same boat. What is the problem, where is the harm? Granted, I'm from a small town myself, and many times I stayed and was having a chat with the family after I dropped off a girl after the date. The OP is not ready to meet the family. It's plain and simple. It may not be a big deal for you or others or myself, but the OP is not ready or willing. This is not about those of you who think this a harmless event, it's about what and how the OP is feeling. Again, OP, you know what you need to do. Talk to her about waiting until YOU are ready and more comfortable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 The OP is not ready to meet the family. It's plain and simple. It may not be a big deal for you or others or myself, but the OP is not ready or willing. This is not about those of you who think this a harmless event, it's about what and how the OP is feeling. That is fine, as long he accepts that his date may feel different about it and had a reason to invite him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Forsome families, meeting a date or boyfriend/girfriend is no biggie. They're just "an invited guest" of their child/sibling/niece/etc. It was that way in my family. Pretty much everyone I dated at least came for dinner to my parents' house, etc. The only people who attended, say, the family Christmas, were my two fiances, however (no, not at the same time lol). Of course, a big family 4th of July bash? Pretty much whoever you were dating at the moment could come. For some families, meeting the WHOLE family is code for "if they approve, you're the one." That's a pretty big thing. Just like family oriented people need family, for those who see meeting EXTENDED family as a big step, that should be considered too. Implying that the OP "doesn't value family" just because he doesn;t want an overnight with ALL her family at this stage is a bit ridiculous. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Bastile Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 The OP is not ready to meet the family. It's plain and simple. It may not be a big deal for you or others or myself, but the OP is not ready or willing. This is not about those of you who think this a harmless event, it's about what and how the OP is feeling. Again, OP, you know what you need to do. Talk to her about waiting until YOU are ready and more comfortable. I agree. A boundary is a boundary at the end of the day. He doesn't want to travel and see her family, that is that. That is fine, as long he accepts that his date may feel different about it and had a reason to invite him. She doesn't need to be happy about it. In fact she probably won't. She just needs to accept it. Hence why I would just give the excuse of being busy rather than get into some sort of argument/discussion/negotiation over it. It's a non-negotiable thing. I did the same thing at Christmas when someone was escalating things in a way that I didn't like. In life, you can't always make everyone happy. In fact, putting yourself first, you quite often won't. That's just how it is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 That is fine, as long he accepts that his date may feel different about it and had a reason to invite him. Of course. He'll have to take whatever lumps that may come with his decision. I only hope that his gf understands as his feelings are reasonable. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Implying that the OP "doesn't value family" just because he doesn;t want an overnight with ALL her family at this stage is a bit ridiculous. I have not read anyone saying he is not valuing family. Some of us are just saying he is putting way too much importance in the meaning of meeting the family. Especially meeting at a gathering with nothing formal to it. I think there is something underneath this OP is not sharing. If he is this put off by making a little road trip to spend a couple of days celebrating a National holiday I think he is not into this relationship as much as she is and he is afraid he'll be misleading her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 AND I would like to add again. His GF agreed to move abroad with him but he is not invested enough in this relationship to meet her family?? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 OP - You have every right to do what you want but have you talked about what's behind it and what it might mean with her? My BF wanted to take me to Thanksgiving Christmas only a few months in. I was worried about what it meant to him and to his family since he's inexperienced and hasn't brought many women over. I felt better about going after our talk. Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 AND I would like to add again. His GF agreed to move abroad with him but he is not invested enough in this relationship to meet her family?? I missed this. OP, did she volunteer to go with you, or did you ask or encourage her to go? That would make a difference. If someone said, "Hey, I want to come with you," that's one thing. But if you asked or encouraged her to uproot and go with you, then I would kind of see you meeting her family as reciprocation of a sort. Link to post Share on other sites
Bastile Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 (edited) I didn't know what Gaeta was talking about, so I briefly read his other thread. Basically, he was in a relationship with this girl, but wanted to move. She tried to stop him, and so he decided to break up with her. Quote: Yeah I won't give up my dreams and goals for any woman! She eventually changed her mind and decided to tag along. It's pretty clear the dynamics of the relationship. I think it's dodgy territory when people expect others to do things they don't want to do, based on their own actions. You'll often end up disappointed in that. Especially when you overinvest to the extent that his girlfriend seems to have. She wanted to move with him. He does not want to go back to hang out with her family. One action does not make the other inevitable by any means. Edited June 22, 2017 by Bastile 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 It's pretty clear the dynamics of the relationship. I think it's dodgy territory when people expect others to do things they don't want to do, based on their own actions. You'll often end up disappointed in that. Especially when you overinvest to the extent that his girlfriend seems to have. She's voiced her wishes and is obviously in love with him, or at least infatuated. He has other priorities and instead of breaking up with her is stringing her along. Dodgy territory, indeed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author js_77 Posted June 22, 2017 Author Share Posted June 22, 2017 AND I would like to add again. His GF agreed to move abroad with him but he is not invested enough in this relationship to meet her family?? Actually she's didn't, she lied to me! And now we're almost breaking up because we don't have the same goals in life as I want to move abroad and she doesn't! I'm done! Link to post Share on other sites
Author js_77 Posted June 22, 2017 Author Share Posted June 22, 2017 About visiting the rest of her family in their small town, I wont go because I don't want to! Anyway she told me maybe the won't go this weekend but if they're going, I won't go, it doesn't matter! Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Actually she's didn't, she lied to me! And now we're almost breaking up because we don't have the same goals in life as I want to move abroad and she doesn't! I'm done! Then it doesn't seem like a good time to be meeting the family at all if your relationship is on shaky ground. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 She's voiced her wishes and is obviously in love with him, or at least infatuated. He has other priorities and instead of breaking up with her is stringing her along. Dodgy territory, indeed. If he was stringing her along he would be playing "happy family" like her. I was hurt in a past breakup and recall asking him why he agreed to meet my family when he had been having doubts about our relationship. I saw the fact that he met my family as a sign that the relationship was going well and progressing. This was 7 months in. I think it is fine to be a little iffy at 4 months and that given the OPs feeling.. bad idea to meet the family right now. Sort the problems out first. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Actually she's didn't, she lied to me! And now we're almost breaking up because we don't have the same goals in life as I want to move abroad and she doesn't! I'm done! Then this whole thread is useless. Break up already. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 About visiting the rest of her family in their small town, I wont go because I don't want to! Anyway she told me maybe the won't go this weekend but if they're going, I won't go, it doesn't matter! i wouldnt want to move abroad with any guy who wasnt willing to meet my family first....plain and simple...you dont move abroad with a guy who isnt known to your family...its a huge risk ...and rather stupid......as a sole parent to three women...if the bf didnt want to meet me and planned on taking my daughter abroad to live...i would be stepping up to him.....i would travel...to meet him....i dont blame the woman at all for not wanting to move abroad with you.moving away from her kin and friends...... she hardly knows you and you are unknown to her parents and her family.......smart girl....she wasnt right for you....and i feel you should seriously consider what you do ask or expect from a woman in a relationship make it known...and be willing to compromise......i wish you well .....deb Link to post Share on other sites
Bastile Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 (edited) She's voiced her wishes and is obviously in love with him, or at least infatuated. Quite possibly due to his drive, and his unwillingness to compromise on his goals and ambitions. He has other priorities and instead of breaking up with her is stringing her along. Dodgy territory, indeed. The responsibility is on the person who is not getting their needs met in a relationship to end it. If they don't, it's usually because needs are being met. It's not the smartest thing to expect that by compromising ourselves, we are deserving of other's compromising of themselves as standard - or as a result of it being "the right thing to do". That's entitlement. I remember that addressed as a "Law of power". Law of power #13 - appeal to peoples self-interest. Never to their mercy or gratitude. For what it's worth, I don't necessarily agree with what he's doing. It's not about agreement. I'm saying that a moral argument here isn't worth much. As it's limited, and completely ignores the desires and motivations from both people. It's rarely about "villains and victims". More often about people getting their needs met. Edited June 23, 2017 by Bastile Link to post Share on other sites
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